In this episode:
In this episode, I sit down with Abigail Teixeira for a powerful conversation on sobriety, generational healing, and parenting with intention. Abigail opens up about the courage it took to share the parts of her story that had been “silenced for too long” and what reclamation and decolonization look like in her daily life. In our conversation, we address breaking cycles of trauma and addiction, how recovery connects to healing our lineage, and the ways imperfection and vulnerability shape how we show up as mothers. This conversation is an honest reminder that sobriety is about more than not drinking, it’s about reclaiming your voice, breaking cycles, and living in alignment.
Resources:
About Abigail Teixeira:
Abigail Teixeira is a trauma recovery coach, international speaker, and 3x best-selling author devoted to helping cycle-breaking women heal their trauma and rise into leadership. A former nurse turned decolonized business mentor, Abigail blends over 17 years of clinical experience with deep lived experience, ancestral wisdom, human design, nervous system healing, and woman-centered coaching.
Abby empowers mothers and creatives to rewrite their stories, reclaim their voice, and lead with purpose. Her mission is to end cycles of pain by building legacies rooted in love, sovereignty, and truth.
With four children and a thriving coaching business, Abigail shows that sacred boundaries, bold vision, and healing are the foundation of true success. She believes that our deepest pain often holds the key to our greatest power—and that healing ourselves is how we heal the world.
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Jessica’s Links:
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Recording Transcript
Jessica Dueñas: Hey, everyone, welcome back. Well, I am super excited to be in conversation today with Abby Teixera. Abby is someone who I’ve been following maybe for years, I don’t even know how long it’s been, but I saw her first in conversation with another good friend of mine named Priscilla, and Abby really just captured my attention. She is a mother of four, I believe.
Jessica Dueñas: A coach, I know an author, an entrepreneur.
Jessica Dueñas: kind of all the things, but really, some of the things that really struck me about you, Abby, and why I’m so glad that you’re here, is, just kind of seeing how you talk about parenting. I know you are in recovery. I know that from your post, that you have survived some trauma in Europe history and addiction as well, and, that you also have a community for mothers, right? I think the Healing Mama Collective.
Jessica Dueñas: So really, I just wanted to bring you on to kind of expose folks to the good work that you’re doing, in case anybody is looking for support in their own healing journey, in their motherhood journey. Again, there’s so much that you do that always inspires me, so I would just love to learn more from you. But before I just kind of introduce you, do you want to tell people who you are, and formally what you do?
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much, Jessica, for having me. I am so excited to chat with you. I’ve also been following you as well at the… I think the same time that you started following me, I started following you too, and it was through our mutual friend, Priscilla, who I love and admire her so much.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And, you’re also a fellow Latina, which I love, always supporting. I am, like you said, all the things… I am a mama for, the age ranges is from 7 is my oldest, 1 is my youngest, and 4 and 5 are my middle 2, so very intense, full life, that’s for sure. I’m also a coach, I’m a trauma recovery coach, a feminine business mentor.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): I’m a speaker, an author, my fourth book is actually about to launch next week, and it’s actually about parenting. It’s called Parent… The Art of Parenting. It wasn’t in the manual, and it’s a co-authored book, and so,
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): my chapter specifically on my journey through postpartum depression, and really breaking the stigma and the silence around, what that journey can look like. Interesting with that, a little off the cuff here, I actually reached out to my community on Instagram, when I got this opportunity to write this chapter, and I did a poll in my stories asking, you know, different topics that people wanted to
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): To hear from me, like, write about.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And, that’s the one that won by a landslide, postpartum… my journey through postpartum depression, which was interesting, because I’ve never written about it fully, and so it was really good to be able to go back there, and then now it’s being launched, and, you know, that’ll come out into the world.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): But yeah, like you said, I am in recovery, 11 years coming up here in October, recovering from addiction to alcohol. I’m also a childhood trauma survivor, complex trauma survivor, and advocate now.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And, yeah, those are the things that are my passions, these are the things that I live for, I speak for, I write, and, you know, these kind of opportunities to have conversations like this just fill me up so much, because I know
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): What it was like for me in… whether it was the early days of my recovery journey, or in my parenting journey.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): just looking for others, you know, looking for others who sounded like me, who look like me, who had similar stories, because one of the biggest things that I find.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): that many women struggle with is that feeling of isolation and loneliness, right? That, like, we’re the only ones, nobody gets it, all of that kind of stuff, right? And so I think we just need more voices speaking out about these real-life experiences, especially breaking cycles, right? When we come from families that…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): you know, they did the best they could, but unfortunately it wasn’t good enough, you know, and it left many of us with trauma. And then we have to rewrite, you know, kind of that script, and learn as we go.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): it can be very daunting. It can be very daunting, right? And so I think it’s really important to be able to share openly about these things so that others can see themselves, and they have hope. They know that, you know, healing is possible, and that we can do this.
Jessica Dueñas: I love that, Abby. I know there’s times that I’ve seen you post about the concept of reclamation, and I was curious if you could speak to that, because I was going to ask you what’s the importance of sharing your story, but you already hit on that, which is beautiful, right? And it is so important for us to feel seen, it is so important for us to realize that we are not alone in the struggles that we share. But as you talk about healing, I’ve heard you talk about
Jessica Dueñas: reclamation, I’ve heard you talk about decolonization of our minds, and I’m so curious if you can speak a little bit to that, and what that might look like for you in your daily life.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Absolutely. So, like I mentioned, as a Latina woman, my parents are from El Salvador, I was born in Mexico, and, what I’ve learned in my healing and recovery journey is that
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): When we look on a spiritual level, a lot of the things that we carry, yes, you know, our environment, how we grew up, the things that we were exposed to have a really big part, and they play a big role in shaping us.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): But also, it goes a lot deeper than that. There’s actually intergenerational patterns, trauma, things that we are carrying that come from, you know, ancestors. You know, and when I think about, a couple of years ago, I started getting really curious about my roots.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And about, you know, who are the people in my lineage? Because, like I said, when I took on this role of the cycle breaker in my family.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And I started to really look at the lineages I come from, my paternal and maternal. I started to see, as far as I could see, there was a lot of war, poverty, addiction, abuse, like, on both sides. Both of my grandfathers on both sides died of alcoholism at some point, like, as a result, you know, in addition to other things that were going on.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): But they had problems with addiction, that kind of a thing. And I started getting really curious about, you know, this whole lineage thing, and, you know, they say that
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): As a woman, when we step into healing and recovery, we’re actually healing 7 generations before us, and 7 generations after us.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And I found that statement so impactful, so that’s what really kind of sparked my curiosity to start digging into, you know, my history, my lineage, and so I ended up doing, like, an ancestry DNA testing, just to kind of see, you know, what was my mix, you know, in terms of, like, bloodlines, I guess.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And it was very interesting, because when, it came out, it actually turned out that I was, genetically 51% indigenous. It said Indigenous.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): At Maya, and and then the other was, like, mixed, 39% European, so, like, Spanish, Portuguese, and then a whole bunch of, like, all these little mixtures in there as well. And that was really eye-opening for me, because
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): you know, it’s… it was the… when I started to really explore about lineage and… and decolonization, which is really what decolonization is, to me, it’s about unlearning the colonial ways of thinking and being that happen to many of us as Latinas.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Right? Like, we come from these long lineages that are very mixed, and where that mixture happened was, you know, at one point in time in the… for example, in the land that I come from, you know, Mexico, El Salvador.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): There was Indigenous people that lived there, and then, you know, the Europeans came, they colonized it in a very brutal, horrific way, basically almost erasing. There was 100 million Indigenous,
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): people that were massacred, right? And so, it was, like, this whole thing that got me diving into all of that. And that… what happened during those times deeply affected our bloodlines, right? Our ancestors that survived those times.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): they had no way of processing what they had just experienced, right? They were seeing the wiping out of their culture, their languages, their systems, all of that kind of stuff, right? And a lot of our practices, all of that kind of stuff was banned, was not allowed, and what happens when, you know, the ones that were most affected were the children having to witness all of this and not being able to process
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): and grieve, and so the way it’s been put to me is that when you have no way of processing the grief, the pain, the loss of seeing your culture literally being almost banished.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): it goes into your blood memory. And so that blood memory and the, like, into our bones, basically, that’s what… that’s genetically what gets passed down. And so that’s where intergenerational trauma starts to happen.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And so that’s when you have the violence and, you know, the addictions and all of that kind of stuff to try to soothe.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, this feeling that many of us are born with, you know? You were gonna say something?
Jessica Dueñas: Oh, yeah, I was going to ask, well, this makes me think, and I’m curious if it’s the kind of like the same thing, when I think about epigenetics and how I’ve read about how epigenetics is the study of, you know, how the environment or things that happen literally impact your genes, right? And so I’m curious if that’s kind of, like, what this basically is.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Exactly, exactly. So, just like…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): you know, this deeply affected our genetic makeup of our ancestors. We have the power to reverse that, in a sense, and change it for our future, right? And so the things I’m healing from, my children won’t have to heal from, right? And it takes one person in the lineage to literally stop and say, you know, I’m no longer passing this stuff down. I’m no longer… it’s not okay for me to parent in this way, the way it was done for me.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): That kind of a thing, right? And so… but it’s a deep, deep process, because these are things that are hardwired in us, and also, you know, we’ve… we… we develop these coping mechanisms, so for me,
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): you know, growing up, like I said, like, in a violent alcoholic home, you know, lots of abuse, lots of just really crazy things happening, I developed these, like, kind of, coping mechanisms to deal with it, because nobody was there to teach me, like, you know, this is what grief is, this is what loss is, you know, this is how you process anger or sadness, and, you know, I was just told, like, many of our, you know, kind of culturally, is just, you know.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): kind of shut it down, sweep it under the rug, move on, you know, and you don’t have to think about it. But obviously, it manifests itself in different ways. Depression, anxiety, addiction, all of these kind of things.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And so these are hardwired in us, not only in our environment, but also, like I said, ancestrally, right? And so that really took me down that route of really discovering about, you know, my lineage, and just how deep it runs.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And the ancestral ways of healing, of being, and living, and all of that kind of stuff, and unlearning the colonial mindset, which is, you know, hustle culture, which is disconnection from self.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): disconnection from each other, you know, this individualistic mindset that, you know, we all doing… we’re all doing things on our own, we don’t need anyone, all of that kind of stuff. Whereas, you know, our ancestors deeply, revered community. You know, we all healed in community, we grieved in community. Even as mothers, there was, you know, the village, the idea of the village coming around you, taking care of you when you had your children, all of that kind of stuff.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): That all kind of dissolved when colonialism came.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): into play, and it was all about survival, right? It was about survival, and really having that disconnection to not only ourselves, but also the Earth, you know, which is what decolonization really is.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): it’s about learning to reconnect with ourselves, and then with our Great Mother Earth, right? And then just going deep… deeper into all of those kind of things. That’s in a very nutshell kind of way, describing it, because it’s deep, it’s deep stuff, right? But, you know, that’s the work that I’ve been really diving into recently, and it’s life-changing. It really is life-changing, you know, and it’s things that I’m now passing down to my children.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): They’re seeing me doing certain things, and they have questions, they’re curious, and they want to come and do things with me, and I’m explaining to them and sharing with them. And that in itself is, you know, breaking cycles, because one of the cycles that I’m very proud to break from my lineage is the cycle of silence.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, where we don’t speak up about things. You know, we don’t talk about things, feelings, emotions, what are those? We don’t, you know, like, especially coming from children, and it’s like, you know, in my home, all emotions are welcome, we talk about them.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): you know, anger is okay. You know, I always tell my 5-year-old, my 5-year-old’s a very intense little boy, and when he gets upset, you know, like, he goes, like, 0 to 100 with anger, and, you know, I tell him, like, Papa, it’s okay for you to be, you know, angry, but it’s not okay for you to be mean, you know, if you’re angry.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And then I show him ways to be able to process that anger in a way that’s healthy, instead of suppressing it and shutting it down and saying, like, you know, smacking him, or like, you know, those kind of things that I grew up with.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, and so, yeah, so it’s been like a whole journey and new discovery, and it’s really allowed for me to start coming home to myself and remembering. So that’s what reclamation is. I’m remembering who I’m actually… who I actually am beneath all of the trauma, beneath all of the conditioning and the programming and all of that kind of stuff.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And who my ancestors were. You know, I’m able to be now the voice that they weren’t allowed to have, right? And especially as a woman. And so, so yeah, so like I said, in a nutshell, you know, that’s what…
Jessica Dueñas: Love it.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Decolonization and reclamation is.
Jessica Dueñas: So, I think that’s so incredibly powerful, and as you were giving the example about your son.
Jessica Dueñas: I thought about how I grew up as well, and some feelings were allowed, like, if I was happy, that wasn’t a problem. But yes, if I was frustrated, if I was upset, if I was getting emotional, there’s the classic, I’ll give you something to cry about, you know, you know, that kind of language, I feel like is very pervasive in a lot of…
Jessica Dueñas: cultures, and definitely, like, you know, my family, my father was from Cuba, my mother was from Costa Rica, and, you know, I definitely experienced a lot of that, too. I’m curious, how early on did you start having these conversations with your children? I mean, because all of your kiddos, they’re young, and so I’m curious, like, was it as soon as they were verbal that you were having these conversations about feelings? Like, when did you start to set that stage with them that
Jessica Dueñas: Whatever they’re feeling, it’s okay, and then giving them guidance for how to, like, manage the feelings.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Yeah, that’s a great question. So, for me, it was really, the moment that I became a mom, I was already… I want to say I was about…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): about 4 years into my healing and recovery journey. So I felt like I had a pretty stable foundation, you know, going into becoming a mom. But nothing prepares you, truly prepares you, to becoming… to entering into, you know, motherhood. And,
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): you know, what happens is, as a cycle breaker, you enter into this process of what’s called reparenting. So what reparenting is, is that
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): We think about an inner child, which lives in all of us. We all have this spirit that lives inside of us, this inner little, you know, that when we close our eyes, you know, is very present there, right? Even though externally we are, like, whatever age, you know, and we’re at this kind of level, internally, we have this inner child that lives within all of us.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): that, there were certain things for me, personally, that, weren’t given to me, you know, as a child, weren’t, like I mentioned earlier, certain emotions, certain, things that I was not taught how to process.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And so what I have to do in order to be able to do that to my kids, like, help them learn to process, I have to teach myself how to process my own emotions, and go into this kind of reparenting, while parenting kind of journey. And so…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): what happened was, you know, I had a journey of postpartum depression early on in my first two pregnancies at postpartum with both of them.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): I learned a lot through that. And, you know, the early stages, they don’t really talk, you know, they’re just kind of doing stuff, they’re babies, they’re, you know, it’s manageable. But then they started reaching the ages where it was very triggering for me, and I didn’t know why. There were certain things that…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): They were, they were starting to do that would trigger me deeply, like, on a very reactive level.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And I started getting super curious, and this is where the foundation that I had before becoming a mom was really vital for me, because I had already…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): I kind of… I had these tools. I had tools and resources that I can lean into when I came across these situations where I was kind of stumped, and I was like, what is happening here? You know, and one of the biggest tools was leaning into curiosity.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): One of my coaches talks about becoming curious over defeated. And there were times when I was very defeated, because, you know, I would, so, for example.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, when kids start reaching the age of toddler, they start, you know, kind of, having a little bit of a voice, you know, they start kind of having a little power struggle, they start having these meltdowns and big, big emotions, big feelings, and that was super triggering for me, because
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): I really felt lost how to deal with them in a way that wasn’t, scary, in a way that wasn’t abusive, because for me, as a child, what I discovered, the reason why I was becoming triggered when they were starting to express themselves in these ways, is because I… when I was witnessing them doing this.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): It brought me back to a time when I was their age, and it wasn’t safe for me to express myself in those ways.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And so, you know, it was… and so it was my inner child, you know, kind of in this, like, fight-or-flight kind of survival mode, that, you know, if I… if I screamed too much, or if I… if I, you know, had a meltdown, or all that kind of stuff, like, it would… I would get, like, physically attacked for those kind of things, right? And that was something that was a non-negotiable for me. I was not gonna repeat that with my kids.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): But, it was scary because, well, you know, I would react, right? They would do something, and it would startle me, and I would react. And, like, you know, the most common thing that would happen is, like, I would yell, right? And I could see…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): in them, when I would react that way, that they were scared. Like, I would see the fear in their eyes.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And that crushed me as a mom, you know? Like, I was… because I recognized that fear, I recognized, you know, that reaction in them, and so I kind of took a step back, and… and I was like, what is going on here? You know, getting really curious about that. And then that’s when I discovered it was because, you know, this is triggering for me, because it wasn’t safe in my nervous system to witness them acting in ways that I was not allowed to act.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Right? And so then that’s when I had to learn different ways.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): you know, taking, like, lots of… so many different things. I, many different modalities, like EFT tapping, breathwork.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): you know, going out for a little timeout when I’m feeling activated. I started to also start naming things, vocally with my kids, so if I was feeling overwhelmed, I would say, mama’s feeling overwhelmed right now, I just need a minute. I’m gonna step away. You know, and I would go to, like, the bathroom, or, you know, wherever was the case, or I would summon my husband and kind of tag team with him, and I was like, I need a moment, I need to collect myself, because I’m just in this, like.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): this state, right, that I know… that I’m not… I don’t feel in control right now, right? And so…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And then, of course, I have other supports. I have…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): lots and lots of, like, incredible resources and tools that I’ve picked up along my journey that I leaned on, you know, including others who were doing the same journey as me, who I knew were also trauma survivors, who I knew were parents that now had teenagers, had adult children, and I started asking them questions, like, how do you navigate this? Like, how do you do this? Like, really, really humbling myself and asking those who are a little bit further down the path than me.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): For their support and their advice and their tips. And so, so yeah, so those are some of the things that I started to really implement. And now, to this day, I am, you know, like, it’s a messy journey, but I am very much, and I talked a lot about this in my content,
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): I don’t pretend like I know it all with my kids, you know, whereas, like, growing up, my parents had all the answers, you know, like, and if they didn’t, like, you know, it’s like, you don’t question them. Like, it’s just, like, it’s just the way it is, right? Like, they are the all-knowing, they had them on a pedestal, all that kind of stuff.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): when I don’t know things, I tell them, mama doesn’t know, let me… let me find out, or let me… let’s learn together, those kind of things. I name emotions in my house, so my kids know what overwhelm is, they know what anger is, they know what sadness, frustration, all of those kind of things, because I name it to them, you know, when I’m experiencing those things. And then when they’re experiencing things, I also give it name, so that they’re not so confused, and they’re like, you know, because they’re just learning, you know, they’re…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): they’re growing, and they’re feeling these things that they’ve never felt before, and it’s very overwhelming for them, right? And so then we learn to co-regulate together, right? Where I’m learning to regulate myself, my emotions, my nervous system, at the same time showing them, you know, how they can learn as well, right? But it’s messy. It’s messy. It’s not perfect, you know? It definitely… there’s days, you know, when it’s
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): doesn’t go as planned, you know? But then this is when, you know, again, the cycle breaking happens, and then I go into repair mode, right? There is never a time
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): when I have done something, said something, reacted in a way where I felt remorseful and regretful, where they didn’t hear about it after. You know, and it’s gotten to the point now where they call me out, you know? Like, sometimes, you know, I’ll say something, and it’ll hurt my, sort of, for example, my 4-year-old, and a few hours later, he’ll come to me, he’s like, Mama, you hurt my feelings.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And I’m like, okay, buddy, let’s talk about it, right? And we sit down, we talk about it, and like, you know, I have this conversation with him and stuff, and, you know, and I tell him, you know, Mama sorry, I’m sorry that I spoke to you that way, you don’t deserve to be spoken to that way. I want you to know that, you know, and Mama sorry, and I’m gonna try my best.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): So that this doesn’t happen again, do you forgive me? You know, and he looks at me, he’s like, yeah, I forgive you, you know, and he gives me a hug, and, you know, and so we do that, and so I will never get tired, be too prideful, you know, to, like, apologize and own up and take responsibility for when my actions hurt them, you know, which is completely different than what was done to me, you know?
Jessica Dueñas: I mean, I was going to say.
Jessica Dueñas: how safe is that for your children, right? Because, again.
Jessica Dueñas: I think about my family, who did the best that they could, given the circumstances that they had, right? And they didn’t have the privilege to do the self-reflection that, like, a lot of our generation gets to do, right? And do the self-help and get into, like, therapy or coaching, etc. But, you know, I think about the times that
Jessica Dueñas: I, like, I dared to actually try that, right? To say, hey, that hurt my feelings, you know, like, for me, I would get so many comments, specifically, like, body-shaming comments, because I’ve always been in a larger body since I was small. And, and you know, like, I’m tall, I’m, like, 5’9″, you know, so I’ve never been small.
Jessica Dueñas: And there, you know, I think about all the times that I’ve tried to do that voicing, and how quickly it… I was, like, squashed like a little bug, you know? Like, it was…
Jessica Dueñas: that conversation space was not there to express if we were hurt, to express a possible mistake being made, and so I love that your children really can just come to you and say that, and that you don’t come off as threatened either, and I think that that’s really, really big.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Exactly, exactly, and huge, you know, and… and again, this has been a very messy journey, like, I want to emphasize that, because, you know, I have a lot of friends, I lead support circles for parents, all that kind of stuff, right? And they always joke, like, oh, we want to come and live in your house, we want you to be our mom, and like, all this stuff, and like, you know, and I’m like, listen, I’m not perfect, you know, like, but I am trying every single day, right? And I will
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): never give up trying to do better than I did yesterday, right? And I’m not too prideful, too, you know, this or that.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): to admit when my faults, you know, have… when I’ve… when my faults have hurt somebody, especially my children, right? And this has been something that, for me, has been so critical, because I have a parent still to this day that I’m no contact with, because he cannot, to this day, admit his wrongs, admit that he hurt me, admit that, like, anything. Take responsibility for anything, you know? And I know how deeply wounding that is.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And I would never want to pass that down to my kids, right? So I’m intentional about
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): you know, so how am I gonna do this? How am I gonna learn to, like, not repeat these things, right? And then I summon in all and every and all supports, resources, tools that I can, so that it can help me navigate this in a better, safer way, so that I can do a little better for them, and then they will do a little better for their children, right? And then that’s how the lineages start really healing, you know, passing that on. Because even, like, you know, talking about sobriety journey.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, something that I’m super proud of is…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): My parents… my children have never seen me drink. You know, obviously, I have… my oldest is 7, I have 11 years sobriety.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): they haven’t even been around a drunk person, you know, to this day. Like, they’ve never… I wouldn’t even know how to explain to them what a drunk person looks like, you know? And that is so different from, like, what I grew up with, right? By their age, I was already experiencing abuse.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): you know, had a lot of trauma, my dad, you know, witnessing him drink all the time, you know, like, yeah, like, it was just a completely different reality. And, you know, and so it’s like, I look to those examples of what I don’t want to do, and then I figure out how I can, support that decision that I’m not gonna do that, you know, and pass that down.
Jessica Dueñas: I’m so curious to dive into a little bit about, the decision to go no contact. A little bit about my story. So, I wouldn’t say that I experienced… I have mixed feelings, lots of mixed feelings, especially the longer I’m sober and the more that I navigate my childhood. You know, I would say that the biggest thing that I struggled with was, like, yes.
Jessica Dueñas: We had the classic.
Jessica Dueñas: I feel like the classic Latino first-generation home where, yes, you don’t talk about anything, you’re in survival mode, you know, the family’s just working, working, working, things like that. And I dealt with a lot of body shaming, again, because, like I mentioned, I was in a larger body, so I just got the brunt, like, everything that I did with regard to food was, like, like, picked apart, etc. So I would, you know, but I… I always hesitate if I want to say that that
Jessica Dueñas: was, like, my own childhood trauma, but it was. I mean, I would say that that was probably the foundation to my drinking later on, but that’s a whole separate story. I have a family member that I would say never directly traumatized me. However, in my adulthood, I actually chose to go no contact, almost because of their level of entitlement to access to me when they were actually just not present. So it was someone who was not present, and
Jessica Dueñas: So they didn’t hurt me, but they just weren’t there, and now they wanted to be in my life. And I was like, oh, no, I’m sorry, it doesn’t work that way. However, I hear so many different people having so many different responses to the idea of no contact. Like, I’ve seen some people who I highly respect saying that, you know, no contact is this…
Jessica Dueñas: just, it’s the easy way out, supposedly.
Jessica Dueñas: for me, it is the easier way out, because I simply don’t want to deal with this individual, so yes, spot on. I don’t feel like working things out to make it work with this person, but in your case, this was a parent, this was your caregiver, who did cause harm. And so, for anyone who might be listening and kind of, like, debating, do I go no contact with this person from my childhood, or do I try to make it work.
Jessica Dueñas: How do you… Come to that decision.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): I love that you’re asking this question, because this is something that I have started to really, really speak out more about, because exactly what you just shared, it’s so nuanced, it’s so layered, and it’s probably one of the most misunderstood, kind of judged-upon concepts that are out there in the healing space.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And, what I can share is from my own personal lived experience, and kind of the journey to that.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): you know, we don’t become, like, as survivors, we don’t suddenly one day wake up and say, I’m not gonna speak to my dad ever again. You know, like, that’s just not the way it works. This was a decision that came after years upon years upon years of holding onto hope that this person was gonna change.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): that this person was going to not even necessarily change, at least own up and take responsibility for the harm that they had caused. And in my case, that day never came. And in fact, he continued to do even more harm.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, as I continued, as I… as I journeyed through my recovery and healing, and in my heart of hearts, when I entered into my, my journey.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): I had full-on… not just hopes, I had expectations that by me taking this step, me getting better, me, quitting drinking, all of that kind of stuff, because, you know, in my chaos, I know, I know that I had harmed my sisters, I had harmed my family, you know, I was wild, you know? Like, I… from 15 to 29, like, you know, alcohol ruled my life, and when you’re… when that is your number one thing.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): every day, nothing else matters, right? It is a very selfish disease, right? Like, which is all about me numbing myself, not dealing, all of that kind of stuff. And so I knew that I had caused… I had caused harm, you know, from the… my way of coping with the… with the trauma and all of that kind of stuff. And so when I entered into recovery, I was committed, and I also, expected that
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): they would, then follow suit, right? That they would then start looking at themselves, and that they would then, you know, get inspired and start, like, healing themselves, because when you start going into this journey, and you start seeing the benefits in your life.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You want the people that you love the most to have that, too, right? You want them to have peace, you want them to have, you know, the sobriety, you want them to have the connections, you know, the relationships, all of that kind of stuff, all the beautiful things that start to unfold when you do the work and you start to heal. I wanted them so desperately to have that, too.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): But unfortunately, in my case, that wasn’t the case with them. What it actually did was, I was a full-on mirror to them.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And they were not ready to look at themselves, right? They were not ready to face, because by them facing and taking responsibility, that means… that meant they had to take ownership of their own stuff.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Right? And as you know, many of us, you know, culturally, we come from those families where you don’t talk about the family stuff, you know, you don’t share about it publicly, you don’t speak on it, you know, what happened in the past, days in the past, leave it in the past, right? We don’t speak about those things. We, especially publicly. Are you kidding me? Like, that is a big no-no in our
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Right? And all of that was very… it was very detrimental, because I started healing out loud very early on in my journey. I started writing. Writing is super therapeutic for me. I started posting on social media, I started speaking publicly, like, it just really… one thing kind of led to the other, and the thing that kept me going was that
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): every time that I would speak up on these things, I would have people come to me and share their Me Too stories, right? They’re like, oh my goodness, you just put words into, like, my experience, I thought I was the only one. Oh, like, all these kind of things, right? And I so really discovered that it was bigger than me. This whole healing out loud thing was even bigger than me. It was a bigger mission that was actually having ripple effects that were just… that were beyond me, right? And so…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Anyway, so I, you know, continued on my journey and stuff like that, and I made several attempts.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): to try to repair my relationship with my dad, because at the end of the day, and this is what hurts the most, is that, when there’s… when… when I made that decision, there was a deep grief, deep grief, that… that hole in me will never, ever be filled. Like, I can tell you that now, because it’s been several years, and I’ve come to accept that this is something that I’m going to live with. I just learned to manage it, right? And the reason why there is grief
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): There is because there was such deep love.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Right? Because ultimately, even though, you know, my dad was my primary abuser, even though, you know, he’s the one who caused me the most harm in the world, I still loved him. You know, I still wanted to be his little girl. I still wanted to have, you know, this… I held on to hope that one day we would have, you know, this healed relationship.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, and I didn’t ask for much, I just wanted him to acknowledge. You know, to say, like, hey, like, I’m sorry that I, like, I did this to you, I’m sorry, or just even acknowledge that he did stuff, right? But…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, my dad’s also narcissistic, too, so very difficult, you know, when you’re dealing with a narcissist that, you know, can never see his wrong, and everything gets turned on you.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Right? And so, you know, for me, it ended up happening where there was a breaking point. I’m not gonna get into super big details, but, basically, I expected him to really own up. He had done something that was really hurtful to our entire family, and I held the expectation that he was finally going to own up, he was finally going to take responsibility, and he did the exact opposite. And that’s when I had to really draw a line, and I was like, enough.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): I can’t anymore. And so that’s when I made that decision that it just no longer was safe for me. You know, now that I had my own family, it was no longer safe for me to continue holding on to this hope that he was going to become this person, that he was just clearly not becoming. And he had no intention. No intentions of, you know, rectifying the situation or anything like that, right? So, you know, for my own safety, for my own continued healing.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): I made the difficult choice and decision to, just, you know, kind of cut him from my life, right? And, it is still something that is so… it’s deeply painful.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): But I have no regrets, to be honest, because the sense of peace that I now have, you know, is, yeah, like, I just… I’ve finally kind of… that deep wound is healing. There’s a scab there, you know, and one day the scab will peel off, and there’ll be, you know, a scar there that will always remind me of that wound.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): But it doesn’t… it wasn’t something that, you know, I just woke up one day and I was like, oh, I’m not gonna speak to him, because I don’t want to deal with him. No, this was, like, a consistent
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): year after year, trying, trying, holding onto hope, all of that kind of stuff, right? And he just continued to cause not only my self-harm, but my entire family, and continues to do so. Like, to this day. You know, he has lost everything in his life, and he still chooses to walk the path that he’s always walked, where he’s the victim, you know, everyone else is against him, all of that kind of, like, mentality and mindset, right?
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Yeah, it’s a very nuanced, very difficult, very misunderstood,
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): kind of topic, but I’ve actually been speaking out a lot more about it, and again, the conversations I have with others that can really relate have been, like, so validating.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): and also, reminds me how important it is to kind of speak out about these things, right? Because on the outside, if you just hear it and you don’t know the context, it could sound, like, harsh, or, like, people will judge you, like, oh, but you hear all the things, but he’s your dad! Oh, but, like, forgive and forget, oh, like, all these things, right? And it’s like, you, like, you… yes, I’ve… and, you know, I’ve also done, you know, so much to try to, like, salvage this, and it just… there comes a point when you’re the only one
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): that’s paddling the boat, and the other person is just, like, you know, not helping at all. You know, so…
Jessica Dueñas: Yeah, and I mean, you know, I feel like you speak to a couple truths, right? Like, number one, we cannot control other people’s journeys, and if your father has been on whatever journey he’s in, and that’s hurtful to you all.
Jessica Dueñas: you can’t stop him from that. I think the second thing that you said that really jumped out at me was that you didn’t, like, wake up… this wasn’t your dream, right? And I think about, you know, several books that I have, like, recently… well, one book that I’ve recently read, and then another one that I’ve been diving into. I think it was Kelly McDaniel’s Mother Hunger, and then right now I started listening to Ingrid Clayton’s Fawning.
Jessica Dueñas: Both of them talk about the fact that when parents… I mean, you know, mother hunger’s about moms, but when parents are causing harm to their children, their child will literally do everything possible to still justify holding onto a relationship, that it is never this natural instinct for a child. Like, a child will almost choose the harm first for the sake of keeping that relationship with the parent.
Jessica Dueñas: before they end it. So, to get to the point that you said, that you had to let go, you know, it’s like people need to also believe people when they say, like, I made this decision, and you need to trust me in my decision, as opposed to re-traumatizing me by asking me to go into detail about all the things to justify it. You know, it’s like, if people aren’t in your position, they don’t understand it. But I think that it’s so important to validate, and so I do
Jessica Dueñas: appreciate you speaking to that. The other thing I wanted to ask you about that had jumped out from hearing you speak, you talked about the breaking cycles part, and I love how you talked at one point about tag-teaming with your husband when you’re like, you’re like, hey, kids, I’m overwhelmed, mama’s overwhelmed, I need a moment.
Jessica Dueñas: How has your dynamic with your significant other played into this cycle breaking? Like, is he on a similar healing journey, or is he just supportive? I’m so curious how that dynamic works.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Yeah, great question. Again, so good. So, on the outside looking in, you know, my husband and I come from totally different backgrounds. He came from, you know, a very healthy family.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): hardworking parents, immigrants from Portugal, you know, very, very… worked very hard all their lives.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): But on the extreme on his end, was that growing up, he actually only remembers his parents ever arguing, like, one or two times. That’s it. And, you know, so that brought this other spectrum to him, where he didn’t know how to have healthy conflict.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): He didn’t know how to navigate emotions, because same thing, his parents, all they did was work really hard, and when he was struggling, like, you know, he had a…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): a time in his life when he was being bullied at school, and he told me how painful it was for him to experience that, and he would come home, and he would cry to his mom, and his mom couldn’t comfort him. She didn’t know what to do, right? Because she also came from this lineage of, like, you know, you work hard, you provide for your kids, your kids are everything, right? But emotionals, emotions and, you know, affection? We don’t do that, you know? Like, we give you a roof over your head, food, you know, on the table, clothes.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): all that kind of stuff, right? But, like, that deep connection part?
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): was kind of missing, and so, you know, when we got together and, you know, we… I went on my journey and all of that kind of stuff, because him and I have been together for 16 years now, and so he has seen every version of me, and every version, you know, and we’ve worked through a ton of things together. We’ve gone through… we were together for 10 years before we became parents, so we definitely had a very solid, stable foundation in our relationship.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Before we became parents.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And, and then… but of course, when you get into the journey, it’s totally different, right? Because everything you thought you were going to do suddenly gets challenged, right? Because it’s like, this is real life here. And, he started to also feel triggered when he would experience, you know, the toddler ages is when we both remember that something clicked, that things were starting to become challenging, right? Because it’s these big feelings, and we didn’t know how to hold those feelings.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And so, how do we teach them? You know, we were taught to just, like, it gets smacked out of you, right? If you’re, like, if you’re gonna, like, react that way, all that kind of stuff. And we both knew that that was not what we wanted to do. And so, we both were on… very much on the same page that we were gonna do whatever we could so that we wouldn’t have these same patterns, right? And so, for him, he had to go on his own journey. He’s still on that, like, journey of learning how to,
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): you know, hold his own emotions, process them, you know, especially men, you know, like, European men, like, you know, it’s, like, tough, strong, you know, like, you never see them cry, like, all this kind of stuff, right? And he’s really learned to challenge that in himself, because he also doesn’t want to pass that down, right? Like, the other day, he was playing soccer, he was passing the ball back and forth with our two older boys.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And that night, because we always, like, you know, kind of come together afterwards, and he was telling me, he’s like, you know, I was thinking today, when I was, like, playing soccer with the boys, how my dad never played with me. He’s like, never. You know, he’s like, I was… and he was, like, an only child for the first 7 years of his life, and then his brother came, and then, you know, another 7 years after his little sister came.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And, you know, he said, like, he remembers, like, how lonely it felt, and how he wanted, like, that, you know, kind of fatherly love, and like, you know, we grow up in North America, we see.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): on TV, these, like, perfect TV families, and, like, all this stuff, and we’re like, wait a minute, like, that’s not my family, you know? Like, and you start wanting, craving what you see, but you’re not getting that, right? And so, you know, so things like that started to really, like, he became aware of, that he was like, no, I want to be able to, like.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): give my kids what I was never given, right? And so he’s cycle breaking in his own way, right? Even though it’s not from, like, abuse, addiction, things like that I experienced in my life.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, he has his own things that he’s working through, and we’re a team. We are a complete team when it comes to our parenting and in life. Like, we truly have, you know, and again, this didn’t come easy. This is not, you know, that, like, natural for us. We have help. We have resources, we have supports that we lean on to be able to help us, you know, as a couple, individually, and as parents, so that we can
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): do better for our kids, right? And we are both breaking cycles in different ways, in different ways, and we still, you know, we have deep talks sometimes. At the end of the day, after, like, an intense day, because, like I said, now my kids are… there’s four of them, my baby, he’s almost two now, he’s walking, he’s, like, getting into things, right? They have lots of, like… and they feel so incredibly safe at home.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): that they just lose their marbles. You know, like, they are just in high energy and tense.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): all the feelings, because they feel safe. They know that they can be that way, right, around us. And, you know, at the end of the day, sometimes, like, we debrief with each other, and we have these really beautiful, long discussions about, like, you know, our struggles and things that, like, the shame that comes, and all that kind of stuff, and we, like, help each other out, right? And, like, and remind each other how good we’re both doing, and highlight the things that we’re actually noticing of each other, all of that kind of stuff, right?
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): and it really is a partnership, and in order for it to be that way. We do have slight parenting, like, different styles, but, you know, it kind of complements it, right? Like, I’m more of, like, you know.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): like, more, like, like, more structured, more like, you know, I, like, I’m very, like, you know, kind of, in a sense, disciplined.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, where dad is, like, you know, kind of fun dad, he’s like, you know, like, it’s just different dynamics, right? But it complements it well, right? Yeah, it’s a really beautiful journey, and it’s something that is very humbling. Very humbling.
Jessica Dueñas: Yeah, well, I love that you mentioned, kind of, like, pushing back against shame when you’re debriefing, because I am curious, you know, since you are both obviously part of Greater Family Systems, do you ever deal with any, say, either family members or just people in general being judgy towards you for your choice in parenting style? Because, you know, for example, you’ve never used the term gentle parenting, and I’m not saying that what you are
Jessica Dueñas: doing is quote-unquote gentle parenting, but, you know, I see the jokes on social media when you have
Jessica Dueñas: old-school parents who are criticizing people who are doing things differently. So I’m curious how you deal with that if it comes up in your lives.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): All the time. All the time. And I love that you brought up gentle parenting. It is kind of like this, like, trendy term, you know, and I consider what we’re doing, rather than gentle parenting, it’s conscious parenting, right?
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): The difference is, is that
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): we are very conscious, we are very present and aware of, like, what we are doing, right? And we have to be that way in order for us to be able to then repair, right? When we mess up and all of that kind of stuff, right? When we’re unconscious, and we are just operating from a way of, kind of automatic, you know, autopilot, all of that kind of stuff, or disconnection, you know, like dissociation, a lot of parents who, you know, come from trauma.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): they’re very dissociated most of our child, like, the childhood, right? They don’t even remember when you ask them, like, well, what was this like when we were kids? They’re like, I don’t know. And it’s because they were in survival mode. You know, like, that’s when, you know, you’re repeating the cycles. You’re repeating, like, the reactions, all of that kind of stuff. So rather than
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): you know, gentle parenting, and I see the memes too, like, like, you know, like, people talk about gentle parenting, but my kids aren’t gentle, like, those kind of things.
Jessica Dueñas: Yeah, yeah.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): But, yeah, it is definitely a conversation that we have, and we have to have firm boundaries with our families, because they love to come and tell us, you know, like, oh, you know, like.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): like, their opinions of how we should be parenting our children, right? And sometimes I have to be brave on my end, and I have to stand up for my kids, because, you know, certain family members will talk to them in ways that are not okay. You know, like, it’s like that, we don’t talk to our kids that way, like, you know, please don’t speak to them that way, right? And then they come with backlash, oh, you’re spoiling them, that’s why this and this and that. I’m like, no, like, for me, this is abuse, and…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): abuse is not tolerated in our home. We’re learning ways, you know, of navigating, you know, our parenting with them, and it’s different, right? It’s different, and we’ve had to have many, many, many, many conversations. You know, like my in-laws, there are,
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): some of our primary caregivers, and we love that. We love the relationship that they have with our kids. It’s so close. They love them. They’re there, like, twice a week, you know, and they’re… and they’re… they’ve semi-raised them, in a sense, right? But there have been things that we notice
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): That we need to nip in the butt right away, right? Like, certain things that, I can’t think of, like, a specific example, but certain things that we just, like, we’re like, no, we don’t like that, you know, and so we have to… we have to, like, stand up to them in a gentle way, and express to them that, you know, hey, like, this is not okay, like, this is not how we’re raising them, right? And then you just have to kind of put up with, you know, the comments that you’re gonna get, right? Like, oh, you’re… you’re spoiling them, oh, you know, at their age.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Or, oh, like, this, this, and that, and like, it’s like, okay, that’s fine. You know, and one of the things is that,
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): and this is something I had to overcome, I personally had to overcome this, is getting upset with kids for kids being kids. You know, children are children. You know, they’re loud, they’re rambunctious, they have energy, you know, they love to, like, run and play and jump and do all these things, right? They’re… they’re kids, and, like, one of the modalities that I’m deeply, like, passionate about is human design, and when we learn about the human design of our children, it makes so much sense.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And so, without going into full-on details about that, because that could be a whole other podcast.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Many of my children are, energy, like, they’re energy beings, and so, they are, from the moment they wake up, their batteries are full, to the end of the day when their batteries are drained, and they go to bed immediately. Their head hits the pillow, and they are drained, right? And I’m also an energy being, so is Nelson.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And my husband. And for them, they need a lot of movement and stimulation and, like, you know, and things like that. And so learning about that with them has been a big game changer, and I don’t want to shut that down in them, because that’s how they are designed.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Right? And so, for our families, it may look like they’re just out of control and wild, but it’s like, they’re just being kids.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, like, they’re just being kids, and I’m not gonna shut them down for being kids, because I was shut down for being a kid.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, I was shut down for, like, having this, like, energy burst, and, like, doing all these crazy things, and, like, you know, bouncing off the walls, all of that kind of stuff, right? It’s like, no, like, I had to really decondition myself from getting upset at them for being kids.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, like, a common example is.
Jessica Dueñas: You know, and this is, like, a big test, is, like.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): you know, when you’re at the dinner table, and one of them, you know, this always happens, the minute that we bring out an open cup, there’s gonna be a spill, you know? And so, like, one of them will, like, have, like, you know, water in their cup, and then they spill it, right? Because they’re just, like, flailing, and this and that. And that’s a true test of, like, you know, growing up, I would, like… it was a big deal if I made a mess. It was, like, yelling, you know.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): what did you do? Look what you did, blah blah blah blah blah, you know? And, like, this, like, reaction, right? And, like, the amount of restraint it takes for me to, like.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): It’s like, okay, they’re a kid, it was an accident, you know, they didn’t mean to, like, do that because, like, you know, they’re just being kids, right? And so really restraining and being like, okay, like, it was an accident, buddy, let’s clean it up together, you know, let’s grab a cloth and, like, those kind of things, right? They’re just being kids, you know, where it’s like, they don’t need discipline over that, like, it was an accident, you know, like, and so things like that is just, like, it’s so much…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): like I said, conscious parenting. We’re conscious of it, right? We’re aware, we’re present with them, and we know that this is just, like, you know, like, we can’t be upset with them for being kids, you know, this is… because what happens is that when you…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): when you’re… when you kind of shut them down, they shut down, and then that’s when the conditioning and the programming starts happening, where, you know, they start to silence themselves, they start to self-censor, they start to… they can’t be safe to be who they are, and then that’s what leads to a whole slew of things in adulthood, right? People-pleasing, depression, anxiety, all of these things, because they were never allowed to be who they are, right? It was not okay, they would get in trouble.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, and so things like that are definitely a journey that both of us are very mindful of, very conscious of, and it’s not easy. It’s not easy.
Jessica Dueñas: Yeah. You know, the cup thing, too, going back to the good old social media, like, I’ve seen these reels that joke about that same moment, right? That the cup is spilled, and, like, let’s say if it was me spilling the cup, and how would my mom respond versus to, like, the baby, and, like, how now if they spill it, it’s like, oh, it’s okay, but then, you know, back in the day, spilling the cup was, like, the end of it all, right? But, I mean, you speak of real truth, and I think about…
Jessica Dueñas: How even in adulthood, if I’ve done anything like that, like accidentally knock something over, and even me, myself, bracing as if, like, other grown adults are going to get just so angry with me over something so innocent, but it is, you get conditioned over time to, like.
Jessica Dueñas: to not make mistakes, and if you make a mistake, that it’s really not okay, and it really… I mean, it’s rooted deep in. And so, I’m so glad that you brought that up.
Jessica Dueñas: So, speaking of your kids, I feel like, kind of like a last big question I kind of have is, what have your children taught you about healing?
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Or the reclamation process, that you didn’t.
Jessica Dueñas: actually expect.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Hmm.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Yeah, I mean, the whole… the whole journey has taught me everything, like, really how they are just, like, a reflection of little me, you know? Like…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Anytime that I have a really big reaction, I almost, like.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): I depersonalize it in the sense that it’s, like, it’s not really grown-up me having that reaction, it’s actually little me having that reaction, you know, inside, because of, like, you know, it wasn’t safe at one time, and all of that kind of stuff. They truly are my mirrors, every single day, you know, and the other thing is that…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): just like many of us, we were told so many things growing up, right? We were, like, preached upon, we were, like, you know, like, told ad nauseam certain things.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): But then the actions were so different, right? There was this cognitive dissonance growing up, where, like, for example, my dad had this thing about us, like, swearing, but meanwhile, every other word that he spoke was a swear word, you know? Like, these, like, kind of, like, weird things like that, right? And, like, for us, time and time again, it’s proven that we can tell them anything.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): But they are not gonna listen, they are gonna watch us. They’re gonna watch what we’re doing, they’re gonna watch how we’re handling life, they’re gonna watch how, you know, even in our interactions, like, with each other, me and Nelson.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): if we have disagreements with each other, you know, like, they see it, right? And they come, they’re like, you know, they’re, like, very, like,
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): they get very nervous about that, because they don’t see that. Like, me and Nelson, we do not, like, scream at each other, like, it’s just… that’s… we have a mutual deep love and respect towards each other that we don’t, like, argue that way, right? But, you know, we’re human, and sometimes, you know, we’re gonna have bad days and things like that.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And we allow for them to kind of witness, you know, kind of a little bit of a…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): of a fracture happen, and then the repair happened, right? And we open the questions up, right? And so, really, really knowing that
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): they are watching us, right? And they’re watching what we’re doing every day, and that’s what’s the blueprint that’s gonna be for them, of how they’re gonna treat, you know, their significant others when they’re older, right? It’s not what we’re telling them every day, it’s really the example that we’re giving them, and that, for me, was…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): a really big wake-up call, right? Because I could say all the right things, you know, but if I’m doing, like, a totally different thing, they’re gonna pick up on the things, you know, that they’re actually witnessing, right? And so, yeah, they are my greatest teachers, my biggest mirrors, you know, and also my biggest why. It’s the reason why I do what I do.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): you know, I just have to look at them, you know, like, for a second, and I get tears in my eyes, so I’m just like, oh my gosh, these are my babies. Like, even last night, they all crawled into our bed, you know, and I just, like, turn and look, and there they are with me, you know, and safe, and sleeping, and I’m just, like, I get so emotional, you know, because it’s, like, little simple things like that, that I know that they’re just so tender, and that they feel safe.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And that, we’re able to, you know, provide them a healthy, happy, real home. You know, it’s not perfect.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, but it’s real. It’s real, and it’s tender, and, you know, we’re doing it together, and they’re healing alongside me, you know, the generations. It’s something that they’re picking up on, too, right? Because these are the things that they’re going to pass down to their kids, right? So, how important that is.
Jessica Dueñas: I love that, Abby. It’s just, like, it makes my heart all warm and fuzzy. It’s seriously so beautiful to hear, and it makes me excited to continue my journey with my daughter, since, you know, I’ve only been doing this for 9 months, so it’s really exciting just hearing you and your experience speak to this. So, Abby, I guess anything that you would say to anybody who is looking to start? I think about, you know.
Jessica Dueñas: You had mentioned earlier that you’d been in this journey, right? You’d been sober for about 4 years before you became a mother, so you kind of had some background in some of this work before stepping into parenthood.
Jessica Dueñas: What would you say to maybe the mother who is already a mother, and maybe she’s just now stepping into, like, day one of sobriety, and who’s, like, feeling overwhelmed, might be feeling some shame about the fact that, like, her child has seen her drink, right? Or anything like that. Where… where does she go from here?
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): I will say what I say to all my clients, you know, to, you know, friends, support, support, support. You cannot do this by yourself. You cannot…
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, and you don’t have to. You know, number one, you’re not alone.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): You know, that you’re… there’s nothing wrong… fundamentally wrong with you, you know, that… that you’re not the only one in the world that is experiencing this, and… and all that… that shame that comes, you know, from feeling like I’m the only one, no one gets it, you know, if only they knew, all those kind of things, right? You’re not alone, you’re not the only one, and that support and help is available, you know? And it sometimes is a bit of a journey to find that support and resources, that’s why I do what I do.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): because I became my, like, a resource.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): that I so desperately needed in my early days that I had to hunt and look for and all of that kind of stuff, but it really is a community. It is really leaning in on resources and supports as much as you can, because you cannot do this by yourself. And you won’t, you know? It will just lead to shame and isolation, and you don’t need to. You don’t need to suffer in silence, right? And that’s my biggest message, is that you’re not alone, and that you can… you can
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): will heal. We do recover, you know, and there is hope, but not by yourself.
Jessica Dueñas: Yeah, and also what I always think about, too, like, when I’m facilitating sobriety support meetings, and there are, say, the parents stepping in who… their children have seen them at their worst.
Jessica Dueñas: you know, I’m always like, well, this is an opportunity for your children to also witness what healing looks like, and that we can turn things around, right? And so, yes, they’ve seen you in all your phases, and they can also see you make the decision to be the one that changes things. And so, I think that that’s incredibly powerful, too, for anyone who already has had kids before getting sober, you know, because that’s a lot of people. You know, for me, it’s a gift. I’m so grateful that I got sober
Jessica Dueñas: first, but, you know, I know that that is not the reality for many, many people in sobriety spaces. So, I mean, Abby, thank you so, so, so much for your time today. Again, this has been beautiful, and I could speak to you for hours, but if anybody who was listening did want to follow you, or did want to maybe take part of some of the work that you offer, what are the best ways for people to find you?
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): Yeah, so Instagram is my jam, that’s where I’m mainly present on, and my handle is mavi, so it’s at V-E-E.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And, that’s just what… how you say, Abby in Spanish, abi, that’s, like, it’s kind of a play to my inner child, you know, growing up, because people always ask, like, what does that mean? Like, you know? And then the other thing, yeah, if somebody wants to explore what it would look like to potentially, you know, have me as their support, as their guide, as their mentor, I do offer a complimentary 60-minute call, where we kind of dive into kind of your leadership style.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): in human design, so there’s a mini analysis that I do in there, and I really discover what your unique blueprint is in leading, whether it’s in your home, your communities, in your business.
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): And so I love those kind of sessions, they’re free, and then if it makes sense, then we have an opportunity to explore what it would look like to work deeper in one of my coaching containers.
Jessica Dueñas: Awesome. Well, Abby, thank you again so much. I so appreciate you being here with me. Any last note that you’d like to say to anybody before we jump off?
Abigail Teixeira (she/her/ella): No, thank you so much for your time. You are such a gem, and I’m so honored to be on this path with you, you know, as a recovering, healing Latina woman and a mother. You know, this work is so important, and so I’m really, really honored that, you know, we had this important conversation together, and I look forward to many more connections!
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