In this episode:
I talk about my experiences with dating and provide suggestions for managing navigating dating while in recovery. What I won’t do, is tell you to avoid dating in your first year.
Recommended Resources:
Dating While In Recovery Blog Piece by Jessica Dueñas
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Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas:
Hey everyone, so today we’re going to talk about dating, which is always of course a hot topic in the recovery world. And first I’ll start by telling a little story, which I think is probably going to be how I model this podcast, always starting off with a little story. So when I first got sober, if you don’t know, I was single because I had been in a relationship with a boyfriend who passed away.
due to his own addiction. So I was totally like not looking at anybody for a while and then honestly early on in my recovery journey probably about like five six seven months sober I had a an interest but I lived in Tampa and he lived in Louisville, Kentucky and you know, obviously Nothing serious could happen because we were so far away, but at a little over
or almost at my one year mark, I don’t think I had hit a month yet, a year yet. You know, I decided that it felt right for me to pursue a serious relationship. And when I told him that, he wasn’t ready. And that was fine, so I left. Or you know, I like ended things with him. And that was where I first learned the lesson, don’t chase.
and don’t stay waiting around for people who aren’t ready for you. So I always tell that to folks and clients I work with. We, no need, someone who is ready and willing will appear when they’re meant to. So I let him go. But then I had to start, I was like, okay, I want a relationship. I’m feeling good, I’m feeling healthier, I’m feeling like I have a better sense of what I want. I do believe I can love again, et cetera. So I created online profiles.
And I remember one of the very first people I connected with, everything seemed great until I told him my story. And when I told him my story, he was just like, no, that his mom was an alcoholic and he didn’t, he wanted nothing to do with me and he blocked me. I remember I felt so hurt, like so hurt and I cried and I was just like, oh my gosh.
I’m never going to find anybody, like how could I, like how am I going to recover from this? Like I’ve got like a scarlet letter on me, that’s what it felt like. And so I paused for a little bit with dating and did some work on that mindset. And you know, I came to the realization, right, like that other people are allowed to have their preferences. And the same way that other people can have their preferences, so can we.
Because at the end of the day, yes, being in recovery can be a possible turnoff to some people, but it’s not going to be a turnoff to the right person. And everybody’s recovering from something. So just because someone doesn’t have a substance use problem doesn’t mean that they’re automatically this supposed healthy person. So I want you to keep that in mind if you are a person in recovery listening to this, that I really want you to think of being in recovery not as a liability.
but rather as an asset. Because is it humanly possible for us to relapse? Yes, I personally have seen someone relapse and someone pass away as a result of a relapse. So I know how bad a relapse can go. I’m fully aware of that as I say this to you. However, for someone who is really strong in whatever program of recovery they’re practicing, they’re actively involved in their community or with their therapist or their coach or whatever, their church community, whatever keeps you sober.
If you are firm in that, you’re good, as long as you keep doing the work, right? So with that being said, you are a complete asset because to go from the depths of addiction to be freed from a chemical dependency and be like functional and in this society as a human being who contributes regularly to it, that’s huge. So I want you to welcome that thought into your life. Like if you’re sitting there thinking like, oh my gosh, no one’s ever gonna.
date me because I am dealing with addiction, recovery, like no, the right person is going to see your story and see all the value and the knowledge and experience that you carry with you for that. So I want to remind you of that. So with that being said, I want to kind of talk a little bit about that, about mindset with dating, right? So as I already said, being in recovery is not a liability. It is absolutely an asset if you feel firm in it.
If you feel shaky in your own recovery, maybe that’s a sign that you have some work to do. But if you’re feeling strong about your journey, then I want you to embrace it and move forward with it. I also want to encourage you to not settle just because you are in recovery. Because like I said, being in recovery doesn’t make you any less than or better than the person next to you on that date. So it’s so important to understand that.
Recovery does not suddenly give you this excuse to lower your standards because you’re feeling insecure. It absolutely does not. The next thing that I want you to think about also is paying really close attention to your body and trusting yourself when your instincts are telling you something is wrong with the person that you’re seeing. Because again, I think a lot of us are recovering from substance use disorders, whether it’s alcohol or other.
substances, right? We tend to feel really low about ourselves. We think we deserve less than. We think that we’re lucky to be alive and we should just be grateful for whatever human just graces us with their presence. No. Like, let me say that. No. You absolutely deserve to have the standards that you want to hold. You absolutely deserve to have whatever standards it is that you want to hold, right? Like you shouldn’t be…
dealing with someone who feels questionable to you if your body is telling you not to. You’ve got to trust and listen to yourself, okay? I don’t regret anybody who, within the first time that they showed me their true colors, I did not sit there and be like, oh, well, let me make some excuses for them. No, I just said, you know what? This person does not feel good for me, so I’m going to let them go. And I let them go.
and I let them go knowing that like this universe or whatever you wanna call it, there’s eight billion people on this planet. And I knew that if I let one go, there would without a doubt be another person. You have to remember that. If you don’t wanna be all woo and all spiritual, then be a mathematician and do the math. There’s eight billion people on this planet. There’s gotta be at least one person that you can get with. Think about it that way. So in terms of like moving forward and what to do,
Really I encourage you to try different things and see what sticks with you and what doesn’t, right? So like, if you’re doing online dating, maybe for a while, put that you’re sober on your profile and see who you connect with and see how that feels. Or don’t put anything about drinking on your profile and maybe when it’s time to actually meet up, suggest having coffee, suggest going for a walk, suggest going for tea. Or if you decide to meet up at a bar, right?
give them the heads up in advance like, hey, just so you know, I’m gonna be having mocktails, I’m not drinking tonight, or however you wanna frame it. Or just be bold, go crazy, and tell somebody that you’re in recovery and see how they respond to that. Why not? This is literally like a whole experiment, like our lives. Like our lives are like science experiments and we get to try things out.
see the results. If we like the results, we keep doing what we’ve tried. If we don’t like the results, we try something different. And literally, regardless of how you do it, you are, you’re never going to get like a letter from the universe telling you that you did it right, right? So like, you might as well just go try different things and your body and your instincts are going to tell you if you’re doing something that feels right for you or if it doesn’t feel right for you. And eventually you’ll navigate and find what you’re looking for. So really, I don’t, you know,
It’s like, I wish I could have told you, oh, you listen to this podcast episode and I tell you something really specific or like a perfect trick to dating. I don’t have that. It took me almost two years of dating before I met my current partner and it’s all good. I’m grateful for it. I learned a lot from the different people who I went out on dates with and got to know. I’m grateful for all of them because they all taught me something. So with that being said, I wish you all the happy experimenting.
Safe experimenting as you get to know folks. And again, trust yourself. I know you’ve been told for a long time not to trust yourself if you’re someone in recovery because your best decisions got you your addiction. Sure, that’s true, but your best decisions also got you sober and you’re sober, right? So trust yourself. You know exactly what you need. It’s just a matter of trying things out and seeing what sticks and feels right with you. Thanks and I’ll see you in the next one.
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