In this episode:
So, what is ego, anyway? In this episode, I talk about how ego shows up in everyday life, especially in recovery, and how choosing presence over control can bring more peace and connection. I share personal insights, a favorite quote, and a few reflection questions to help you soften and stay curious.
Resources:
Six-Week Writing for Healing Program Is Open for Enrollment!
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas:
Hey, everyone, welcome back to Bottomless is Sober. And today I want to talk about something that’s been sitting with me lately. And honestly, it’s a lesson that shows up all over the place, and hopefully you’ll find it helpful, too. So it started with a quote that I actually stumbled on while I was playing around on Substack.
I’ve got a new page on there—definitely follow me or subscribe to my podcast and my Substack, which is also called Bottomless is Sober. I’ll put the link in the show notes for today. But I have really been enjoying using Substack. It’s a great space for writing, storytelling, and reflection.
So, anyway, here is the quote, and it’s a Yung Pueblo quote, and he wrote:
“Ego loves to think that it has a good grasp on everything. But compassion understands that there are more views than one. Taking in more perspectives than just your own, and seeing things from multiple angles is not only a trait of good leadership, but it is a key aspect of wisdom.”
I love that, right? And this quote—it just gave me pause because it speaks directly to something that I’ve been wrestling with, and it is that desire to control things, especially the desire to be right.
I swear I have like this illusion that, years into recovery, still lives with me that says, “If I just manage everything well enough, I’m going to feel safe.” But what I have to come back to is the truth that peace is not coming from controlling everything. It’s really going to come from staying open—especially when we deal with other human beings—staying open to their perspective and their side of things.
Now, before we go further, I do want to take a moment to unpack what I mean by ego, because it’s one of those words that can mean lots of different things depending on where you hear it in the first place. And if you are newer to recovery, if you are newer to personal development, this might be helpful for you.
Some people do associate ego with arrogance, right? Like someone is full of themselves, or someone who thinks they’re better than everyone else. But when we’re talking about personal growth and recovery work, it’s much deeper than that. Like, yes, that’s true, but there’s more to it. So you know I had to—I wanted to get formal definitions, right? So I went to the Cleveland Clinic.
According to them, ego is the part of your personality that helps you stay grounded. It helps you make wise choices. It helps you manage emotions. And it’s basically a middle ground between your impulses and what your moral compass is. Essentially, your ego is going to help you regulate your emotions, handle your relationships, make decisions, and just adapt to anything that life is throwing at you.
When your ego is balanced, it’s going to support you in staying present and rational. But when your ego is out of balance—maybe because you’re dealing with stress or unhealed trauma or old wounds—then it can cause us to deal with overreactions, getting defensive, or falling into old control patterns (which is kind of like where I live right now). But there’s another side to ego, too.
Eckhart Tolle, the spiritual teacher and author of The Power of Now, discusses ego not as our rational mind, but as our false sense of self. It’s an identity that we build through our thoughts, the roles we’ve played, and the past stories. One of his quotes is:
“The ego is the unobserved mind that runs your life when you are not present. It is the voice in your head that pretends to be you.”
So in recovery work—or if I work with a client one-on-one—and they tell me a thought they have and they’re so convinced it’s true, and I follow up with, “What evidence do you have for that?”—that’s usually where we’re kind of living in this ego space. We’re debunking the myths and beliefs we really think are true, and that we think are a part of us, and it turns out—whoops—they’re not.
So when we confuse who we are with what we think… or with what we’ve been through… or how we want others to see us—that is ego, too. And Eckhart Tolle’s perspective reminds us that ego is not just about arrogance, but about disconnection. It disconnects us from presence, from the truth, from each other. So just think: totally disconnected.
But now we’re in recovery, right? So we get the opportunity to learn to reconnect—with everything. With ourselves, with our bodies, even with the present moment. A big part of being connected with our bodies and the now is paying attention to when ego is stepping up, getting in control, getting in that driver’s seat.
For some of us, it might be through overthinking. Others: control, fear, falling into old survival strategies. But if we can choose to soften, stay curious, and let presence lead, that can really help us step into a little more peace in our day-to-day lives.
Again, for me, I am definitely still learning how to recognize when ego is stepping in. Recently, my partner and I were navigating a big decision, and it really brought this to the surface for me, right? Because of course in my head, I have a clear picture of what I think the “right” outcome is. And of course, it’s centered around my perspective.
Then I had to stop and ask myself, “What else could be true? What am I not seeing?” And again, I’m not operating by myself anymore. So like, what does we look like in this situation—not just me?
These are a lot of questions we ask in The Luckiest Club, the sobriety community I’m part of. But really, these questions are anchors for me in sobriety, especially being in a relationship. Because if I want to not just coexist, but actually grow with another human being, I’ve got to soften up.
I have to let go of the need to be the one who’s always right. And I’m telling you, that is very hard. Very humbling. But it’s also the gateway to connection and understanding, emotional maturity, and emotional sobriety—which is one of those terms that can be annoying to hear, but it’s real.
So, anyway, let’s turn it over to you all. Here are a couple of everyday moments where ego might sneak in, and I’m curious if you recognize yourself in any of these:
- Relationship decision:
You and your partner are deciding where to live. You’ve already mapped it out in your head. Then they bring up something unexpected. Your first response might be to shut it down, because ego says, “If I let go of my plan, I’m giving up my vision of safety.” But presence might ask:
Can I trust that shared decisions can also lead to shared joy?
In early recovery, many of us crave control as a substitute for security. But true partnership invites us to build something we couldn’t have imagined alone.
- Family dynamics:
A parent criticizes your career, parenting, or sobriety journey. It hits a nerve. Ego says: They never understand me. I have to prove myself. But presence might ask:
What if I release the need for their approval and stay rooted in my truth?
Our healing might trigger someone else’s discomfort, but we don’t need to carry their fear as our own.
- Workplace friction:
You’re left out of a meeting or event. Ego says: They don’t value me. I need to prove myself. Presence might say:
Can I speak up for myself from a place of worth—not woundedness?
In sobriety, our self-worth becomes internal. We can advocate for ourselves with clarity, not desperation.
- Friendships in transition:
You’re changing in sobriety, setting boundaries, and a friend pulls away. Ego says: I must’ve done something wrong. But presence might say:
What if they are grieving who I used to be?
Not everyone will come with you. People grow apart—and that’s okay. The most loving thing might be to honor the shift.
- A tough day/slip/relapse:
You snap, or regret something. Shame floods in. Ego says: See? You haven’t changed. You’re still broken.
But presence says: This is just a moment—not a sentence. You can return to yourself.
Recovery is not perfection. It is a daily return to compassion.
So these examples are all different moments where, instead of trying to control a situation, we get to practice choosing connection and compassion—whether it’s toward others or ourselves.
Here are a few reflection questions to take with you:
- Where is ego showing up as certainty, and how can I replace it with curiosity?
- What assumptions might I be making without realizing it?
- How can I practice compassion by considering another person’s perspective?
- What else might be true?
That last question stings—but honestly, it’s one of the most important questions I ask myself.
So with all that said, if you are in a season of navigating any kind of relationship dynamic—romantic, family, work, or even the one with yourself—I hope this episode offered something useful. Remember:
Your ego’s job is to protect you—even when you don’t need the protection anymore.
When you’ve done work on yourself, you don’t have to live in protection mode. You get to live in connection mode.
Thanks so much for being here. If this episode resonated, send it to a friend, leave a review, or come find me on Substack. Or come write with me—my writing class starts next week. I’d love to connect with you further.
Until next time, I’ll catch you all. Have a good one.
Return to Podcast Directory
