In this episode:
I share Chris’s story, one of the first people I interviewed for Bottomless to Sober. Chris’s early beginnings, marked by being born into addiction and later adopted, set the stage for a life of searching and self-discovery. His challenges with substance use, identity, and the moments of connecting with his biological parents, offer a raw glimpse into the complexities of healing. His unique approach to sobriety, diverging from the traditional AA path and embracing personal rituals, serves as a powerful reminder that the journey to recovery is deeply personal and distinctly individual.
Resources:
New Book Study for It Didn’t Start With You Coming June 1st
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
00:00 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey, before you listen to today’s episode, I wanted to give you a heads up that there is strong language describing drug use. Thank you. I’m Jessica Duenas, and this is Bottomless to Sober, the podcast where I talk about anything and everything related to life since my transition from bottomless drinking to a sober life. Related to life since my transition from bottomless drinking to a sober life. Hey, everyone, for today’s episode, I wanted to share an old story that I had shared back in 2021. Early on in my recovery, I came across an online friend who I’ve actually lost touch with since, but his name is Chris and he had shared a story with me back when Bottomless Sober was only a blog, and I remember that one of the things that really touched me and struck me about his story was the fact that he was in recovery but he didn’t go to AA meetings. He was definitely the first individual who I met who was not spiraling in active addiction and identified as being in recovery without going to AA. Early on in my recovery, I definitely believed that the only way to get sober was through the 12-step pathway, and so for me, anybody who was addicted to anything and was recovering outside of those spaces I genuinely believe that they would probably perish, right. And so I met Chris and he was sort of like the first person to plant that seed in me that there’s multiple ways to recover and it really falls on the individual to find what works best for them, right, like we’re responsible to find peace and happiness in our own journeys. So, anyway, when I started the blog, I asked him if he would be willing to share his story with me, and I just recently thought of him, so I decided to pull up this story and share it here on the podcast, cause I do think that his story, wherever he is, is a powerful one and for anybody who is sort of just struggling with finding their way, anyone who is struggling with just like navigating previous childhood trauma that they’ve been through. You know, here’s the story of someone who had been through hard things and found a way to recover that works for them, and so, again, I’ll just go ahead and I’ll share it. And, chris, if you are out there and you hear this, go ahead and I’ll share it. And, chris, if you are out there and you hear this, I’d love to hear from you. With that being said, this is it’s my recovery and my journey Chris’s story From the beginning. I was born prematurely, four to five months premature. Apparently I was full of crack cocaine, survived that, went into foster care and was adopted at 18 months. Chris was so casual as if being born addicted to drugs and being placed in the foster care system was no big deal. Then I reflected on the stories I’ve heard about my own story even and realized that maybe the ability to be one step removed emotionally from our own story is a trait we all carry for the sake of surviving.
03:10
Chris was raised by his adoptive Black family in Dallas-Fort Worth. Childhood was great and he described his environment as warm and he felt like he fit right in. Then he learned that he was adopted. So what changed the environment? I asked. No, it was me, he replied.
03:31
There was a change, a shift in Chris. When he was six, his parents sat him down to let him know that his sister was on the way and she was joining the family exactly as he did through an adoption. His perception of the world around him was forever altered. The court had to make sure his home was safe for another child. There were proceedings, meetings and home visits. He was soon a big brother. Did his behavior change at this age. No, however, chris had discovered the world was not as it had seemed. He was adopted. Parents put children up for adoption. These were new realizations.
04:13
Chris asked himself what else is there? What else don’t I know? He started to wonder where, who, why, what? He said All the wondering really so. Did you ever find your parents or look for them? I asked. I did. Chris said he was 29.
04:36
He attained unsealed records from his entire adoption process, including his birth records. He was able to read through those. I found the names. I went to Facebook. There they were.
04:48
So did you meet them? Were they together? Were they using? Were they sober? What was it like? I stopped myself. Sometimes I don’t realize how quickly I can speak, so I took a breath. I often experienced the frenzied speech behavior that is a part of bipolar disorder, and if I get excited about something, I’ll never stop talking.
05:11
Chris smiled. First I’ll tell you about my mother. She was still using. I mean, I’m not going to lie, it was rough to meet her, but, to be fair, I was extremely drunk at the time as well. No surprise there. I would be too. Who wouldn’t get drunk? Well, I suppose a quote-unquote normal person wouldn’t. I forgot. We’re not all the same. It was the same day that he also met his biological father and no, not at the same time, because of course I asked, but on the same day. His parents are no longer together. His father wasn’t hired drunk, to his blurred memory To be honest, I’m not sure if my father was or is sober. They haven’t spoken in two years. He hasn’t seen his mother since the day they met.
06:05
The conversation went back to the early days of Chris’s using and drinking. Like many high school students, he began drinking on and off in party settings. It started then and it felt like it lasted until forever until I finally stopped. It was still social then. Sometimes the drinks were spiked at parties. Sometimes I was with cousins who had access to the liquor cabinets. My drinking didn’t become heavy until I got to college, so I was around 18. So how heavy is heavy? Thursday through Sunday, every weekend, he said. I remember those weekends, drunken weekends, the weekends that made it easy to blend in, the weekends where an alcoholic or drug addict might still, albeit falsely, feel a part of the group, the good old days when drinking was the norm and no one judged you yet for your awful hangovers or your reckless behavior. And no one judged you yet for your awful hangovers or your reckless behavior. Chris described himself as a lucid drunk during his college years. He never blacked out. Though he wasn’t spiritual then he definitely credits the universe with making sure he got home safely, even when he didn’t remember it.
07:11
His drug use started when he was 19. Touchy, feely, energetic, spacey was how it felt in the beginning for him. Okay, so when did it stop being fun, I asked. Adderall, it’s one of those drugs where you think I can do this until you realize that you can’t stop. You think you’re okay. Then you realize you’re not okay.
07:37
Further, chris realized his drinking was problematic when he couldn’t manage to stop. Once he started, his tolerance was so high that people would give him nonstop drinks, but he wouldn’t get sick and he never threw up. He started coming home drunk, getting some sleep, waking up and then going to class and later work like nothing happened. I didn’t need to be watched while I drank, but, come to think of it, I probably should have, he smiled. What about heroin, as he said? Culturally, as a Black person, needles have always been looked down on. But laughing, he continued. But for all the shit I put into my body. The needle standard was so arbitrary. Sure, he snorted it and got high, but he got sick. It felt like trash and it was one and done. Many first-time heroin users tell a different story, a feeling of intense relief washing over them. For Chris, though, he vomited as if he was possessed by a demon and he never touched heroin again.
08:44
Chris didn’t finish college, but it wasn’t his drinking and drug use, he said. I never did finish, but it’s because I never wanted to start either. He didn’t want to go in the first place, but he was pressured to live up to societal norms and his family’s expectations. I mean, it’s what you do. You graduate from high school, you go to college wherever you get accepted and can afford to go to, you work, then you die. For a lot of people they can live that linear life, but I couldn’t. I was always an adventurer, always an explorer. It’s a part of where the drugs came in. I was always curious about them and I was bipolar. They helped.
09:20
Chris was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 15. He found that the psychiatric medications made him feel horrible. So he stopped taking the medications and, like many others, self-medicated with drugs and alcohol. There wasn’t a drug that was off limits except for heroin. After that one use, his doctors warned him about his drug use, that the manic spikes would be dangerous and the depressive states even more intense given the path he was on. But that didn’t stop him. I understood the feeling when I was told my liver enzymes were dangerously high and that I had alcoholic hepatitis. I should have stopped then, but I didn’t.
09:58
For people with bipolar disorder, sobriety can be a delicate balancing game. The extremes lead to self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. The use of the drugs and alcohol create a physical dependency. So when the bipolar person tries to break free from the physical addiction, their medication is gone, their relief is gone. It’s merely a matter of time before a bipolar person gets triggered, falls apart and goes back to drinking or using. According to American Addiction Centers, the rate of co-occurring substance use disorders in individuals diagnosed with bipolar disorder ranges from about 20% to as high as nearly 60%. So Chris dropped all the substances and started going to Bible study.
10:40
Even though he was trying to stay sober, he still didn’t feel whole. So when he started to drink he started to feel the conflict between his need to drink for relief and the persona he created for himself at church. He couldn’t feel through himself, so he ended up heavily drinking and smoking again and before long he was back to hard drugs. So is Chris an alcoholic, since he started to drink first and drugs came after? I know several people in the 12-step community at the time that I wrote this who call themselves alcoholics even though they have had extensive drug use. Why they say that once they drink they can’t stop there.
11:23
Chris, he didn’t need a substance in any particular order in order to want the rest of them. Anything that was mind-altering and brought relief was his substance of choice in that moment. Altering and brought relief was his substance of choice in that moment. His moods dictated what type of relief he was seeking. So for him, the words alcoholic or drug addict are irrelevant. He said that he could do three lines of Coke and suddenly decide to drink, or the other way around.
11:49
For him it was the disease of never enough. And remember, chris, he doesn’t like to fit inside boxes. Right? For some people, the motivation to stop is a significant consequence, a terrifying moment, but for Chris the desire to stop came from within. I’m drinking all the time by myself. I could drink everyone under the table, do drugs all night, stay awake for four or five days. I’m tired of it. It’s not serving me, it’s not benefiting me, it’s just costing me a bunch of money and what for? And that was literally it.
12:25
Chris does face some challenges. Chris was originally known as a source for drugs. I still have friends or distant family who will text me asking if I can help them find this drug or that drug. It was just who I was. It was an entirely different personality I had. And for Chris a 12-step program wouldn’t work. He’s too much of an individual. He likes to blaze his own path. But he’s not against 12-step programs for other people. He said if that would work for you, do it. You have to do what’s right for you.
13:01
In his recovery he has not necessarily abstained 100%, but his life today is drastically different than when it was before. He tells himself not to be so judgy or so hard on himself, but to try his best. For that day he felt going cold turkey would be too difficult because it would make him fixate on wanting it more. He’s not counting days and he’s not putting pressure on himself to say that he’ll never drink or use drugs again. Days, and he’s not putting pressure on himself to say that he’ll never drink or use drugs again. He’s had about two shots of alcohol since last fall and for him it’s important to focus on the fact that it’s two shots compared to the three bottles that he would have slammed in the past. For Chris, it’s harder to deal with the people who are surprised he’s not drinking than it is to not drink. Recently he faced a challenge when he went to a Super Bowl party and didn’t drink and didn’t use.
13:55
So what about? One is too many, and a thousand is never enough For Chris. He feels he could have one, but he always asks himself what am I thinking? How am I feeling? Why would I do it? I already know where it’s going to lead me and how I’m going to be feeling later. After one it’s going to be two, after two it’s going to be three, and at that point I’m just drinking. And it creates a circle. The more aware I become daily, the better I am at stopping those thoughts when they creep up.
14:29
Every morning, chris gets up and looks in the mirror first thing and says to his reflection I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t use. He prays, he meditates, he exercises, and then it’s time to face the world. So again, thank you for listening and, chris, if you are out there, I hope you are well, friend, and I would love to hear from you. Thanks everyone for listening to today’s episode. Hey, if you are enjoying what you are listening to, I invite you to subscribe and share the podcast. But also go to my website, bottomless, to sobercom, and find out other opportunities to work with me, from free workshops to writing classes to one-to-one life coaching opportunities. You can schedule a free consultation for that. Everything is available at bottomlisttosilvercom. See you then.
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