In this episode:
In this episode, I unpack the sneaky ways dopamine keeps us chasing more, whether it’s achievements, shopping, or relationships, and why it never actually brings peace. I share personal stories from my own recovery and offer reflection questions to help you step off the treadmill of ‘never enough.’
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Transcript:
Hey y’all, welcome back to Bottomless to Sober.
Today we’re actually going to dive into something that I think every single one of us in recovery—or honestly, just in life—has experienced and can totally relate to: the chase.
You know what I’m talking about—thinking that the next drink, the next relationship, the next Amazon cart full of stuff, or the next accomplishment is going to finally make you feel okay.
Well, fun fact: our brains are actually kind of set up to trick us into believing that—even when it’s not true.
I recently shared the following quote in a sobriety support meeting, and it’s so powerful I had to bring it here too. I’m currently leading a book study on The Molecule of More by Daniel Lieberman and Michael Long. If you haven’t read it, I definitely recommend picking it up—it’s full of valuable insights.
Here’s the quote:
“Giving in to craving doesn’t necessarily lead to pleasure, because wanting is different from liking. Dopamine makes promises that it is in no position to keep. ‘If you buy these shoes, your life will change,’ says the desire circuit. And it just might happen—but not because dopamine made you feel it.”
Let that sink in. I want to unpack it a little.
Dopamine—it’s the brain chemical we all have. It drives desire, ambition, and craving. It motivates us to go after things. For a long time, people thought dopamine was linked to pleasure, but it’s actually not. It’s about the chase. The wanting. The desire.
So basically, dopamine says to your brain, “Hey! Look over there! That’s the answer to your emptiness.”
But what dopamine can’t do is deliver satisfaction. So once you get the thing you were chasing, you actually feel kind of flat. It doesn’t bring you peace. It doesn’t give you a sense of enoughness, even though you were sure it would.
Now, in active addiction, this is obvious. You crave a drink, you get the drink, and maybe for a split second—like 15 or 20 minutes—you feel relief. But it never lasts. And usually, you end up feeling worse.
What I’ve learned—and maybe you have too—is that just because we quit drinking doesn’t mean that pattern goes away. That behavior doesn’t magically disappear in sobriety.
Instead, the bottle often gets replaced with other dopamine-driven habits. We might find ourselves overeating—or obsessing over what we’re going to eat. Some of us fall into serial dating, desperate to feel wanted. Others go on shopping sprees they later regret. Or we overwork, overhelp, overachieve… even chase perfect recovery. (And if that last one resonates, check out my episode from last week!)
Here’s the thing: this dopamine-driven chase doesn’t just live in our past. It shows up in our present in really quiet, sneaky ways.
Let me paint a few pictures.
Dating apps.
You’re lying in bed at night, swiping through profiles. You’re not even sure what you’re looking for. You just want to feel something. Maybe it’s the buzz of a match or the ping of attention. But how do you feel after the date? Or after that fifth match fizzles out? You might actually feel lonelier.
Because what you wanted wasn’t just attention—you wanted connection.
And dopamine can’t give you that.
Achievement highs.
You’re doing great at work or school. You get that praise or encouraging message from your boss or professor. It feels amazing—for 10 minutes. Then you’re already spiraling about your next deadline. You don’t even get to enjoy your win because you’re already chasing what’s next.
Shopping spirals.
You’ve been two years sober. You’ve had a rough week. You walk into Target for one thing… and end up with a cart full of candles, notebooks, throw pillows—all promising comfort. But after checkout, loading up your car, you feel like crap. Like something’s still missing.
These are all examples of dopamine doing its job—pushing us toward more, pushing us toward the chase. But once we attain these things, they don’t bring us peace.
Because peace doesn’t live in the chase.
When we’re chasing, we’re not practicing gratitude.
We’re not practicing mindfulness.
We’re not present.
In my own life, a few months into early sobriety, I was convinced that if I could just get everything together, I’d feel better. Like, if I could become the most high-functioning sober woman ever, maybe I’d finally be okay.
So I started doing everything I saw other people doing: waking up at 5 a.m., journaling, meditating, exercising, eating clean, being of service, doing great at work—all while healing deep wounds from trauma and grief.
That’s… a lot. A lot, a lot.
And on paper, it looked like I was thriving. I was proud of myself. But I still felt exhausted and disconnected—almost like I did when I was drinking. Because I was trying to outrun my shame with sober achievements.
But I was still lonely. Still sad.
That’s when it hit me—especially after learning more about dopamine.
“Oh. I’m chasing that high. I’m chasing the gold stars.”
But none of it means anything if I don’t feel present in my own life.
If I can’t just sit with myself without trying to earn my worth, I’ll always struggle.
At the end of the day, I had to realize that:
Wanting is not the same as liking.
How many times have we wanted something badly, only to feel “meh” once we got it? Or worse, it didn’t fill the void at all?
That’s dopamine. Making promises it can’t keep.
But here’s the good news: once we recognize the pattern, we can interrupt it.
We can pause and ask:
“Does this feel urgent because it’s real?
Or is this just the high of the chase talking?”
When we start asking those questions, we can come back to ourselves.
And we can also ask, “How can I tell when I’ve actually had enough?”
For me, it’s in the quiet moments:
My daughter—she’s almost six months old now—has started laughing. And when she laughs, she doesn’t care about what she looks like or what anyone thinks. She’s just present.
Or when my dog Cruz curls up next to me.
Or when I write, just to get things off my chest—not to prove anything.
Or when I’m with people who love me, no matter what.
Those moments don’t spike my dopamine.
They anchor me.
They keep me grounded.
And look—it’s okay to want things.
Dopamine isn’t bad. It’s good to have goals. It’s good to feel motivated.
But it’s also important to remember: dopamine won’t give you peace.
Peace comes from being present.
From letting ourselves be enough right now.
Dopamine is future-based.
Peace is present-based.
So before we wrap up, here are a few questions for you to reflect on. If you’re journaling, feel free to pause and write them down:
- Can you think of a time—either in active addiction or recovery—when chasing something left you feeling more empty than fulfilled? (It doesn’t have to be alcohol or your substance of choice.)
- How do you notice the difference between wanting something and truly enjoying it?
- What helps you recognize when you’ve already had enough? And how do you stay grounded in that feeling?
I hope those questions offer some guidance.
Thank you so much for spending time with me today.
And remember: if you’ve ever felt like you’re stuck on a treadmill of achievement or caught in the loop of “once I get this, then I’ll feel better”—you are not alone.
That is not a personal failure.
That’s just some funky brain chemistry.
But the good news is: you can get off the treadmill.
You can pause.
You can practice presence.
It takes effort—it’s not natural—but that’s where freedom lives.
Until next time, take care of yourselves.
Have a wonderful week. Bye.
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