TW: death, substance use, relapse
Hi, my name is Jessica Dueñas. I’m a recovering alcoholic/person with alcohol use disorder/you can insert any other label in there. I care little about the title and more about my story, especially if you, as the reader, can relate and find some hope in it. I decided to answer a few questions I get asked a lot with the hopes that this is helpful for you or someone you love.
I was a teacher and was such a successful teacher that I was named Kentucky’s State Teacher of the Year in 2019. At the same time that I won that award for all of my work at the school and community level, I struggled profoundly with alcohol use. I drank a fifth of alcohol a day in secret to the point where I was diagnosed with alcoholic liver disease. At 34, I was told I would develop cirrhosis if I didn’t stop. I quit drinking for a brief time until the tragic death by overdose of my then-boyfriend Ian on April 28th, 2020.
After seeing his body for the last time as it was carried away from his apartment by the coroner, I set off on a months-long bender that almost killed me. My heart had been shattered into a million pieces that I believed never would have found their way back to each other. Between April and November, I was in a dangerous car wreck, almost bought a gun to kill myself with, blew nearly a .5 blood alcohol level a few times, and stayed in rehab facilities and hospitals eight times before I finally stopped drinking on November 28th, 2020.
By November, I had gotten so tired of fighting. I felt like I was dying but could not die, and I knew I could no longer continue living how I was living, so I gave up fighting and accepted help. I’ve been alcohol-free since November 28th, 2020, which at the time of writing this, is a full two years.
Why did it take me so long to accept help from others?
As a first-generation American and first-generation college student, it was instilled in me to push through all difficulties because the generations before me over came their challenges, too. To admit to having a problem with alcohol or having mental health needs was equated with being weak, and that was a part of the stigma I did not want to be associated with. Throughout my life, I had, in fact, been successful at anything I tried to achieve (school, college, professional success) so I assumed that getting sober would be just as easy. I was wrong. I knew early on that there was something disordered about how I drank, but I was ashamed and thought if I ignored my problems that they would go away. They didn’t.
How could I keep my drinking a secret when I drank so much?
I didn’t drink a fifth of liquor overnight. My drinking started with wine. Then when one bottle of wine wasn’t enough, I began to drink smaller liquor bottles. As my tolerance went up, I drank more. To someone without the tolerance that I had developed, a whole fifth would likely be incredibly dangerous, if not deadly, I was used to it, and my body had adapted to allow me to function. I didn’t drink until I had taken care of all of my responsibilities, and since I lived alone, once I finished checking in over the phone with my loved ones, I drank myself into a nightly blackout. Heavy alcohol consumption disrupts sleep, so I would wake up by 2 or 3 AM which gave me time to recover and get myself ready for the next day and repeat the vicious cycle.
How did you actually stop after so much back and forth?
I believe it was a combination of factors that aligned perfectly for me. I will share them in no particular order of importance. First, I will say that I used psychiatric medication after years of being totally resistant to them. Though I no longer take medication and have not for some time, I used the medicine for the first 1.5 years of my recovery to help stabilize me because my body chemistry had been drastically affected by alcohol consumption. Now that I am two years in and have been doing a lot of healing work on myself, I feel more comfortable fully facing the sensations I used to need to escape. Second, as much as I loved teaching, I quit. Teaching was incredibly stressful, and I knew I could not both dedicate time to healing myself and teaching children well. Third, I decided to rip the band-aid off and come out openly to the public about the struggles I had been having. I decided to recover out loud because so many struggling individuals need folks like me to speak up. Hell, I needed me to speak up and be my own self-advocate for all the years I silently suffered. Fourth, I built a support group of people both in and out of recovery who either knew exactly what I was dealing with or could empathize and be supportive even if they didn’t get it. Fifth, I moved cities to get a fresh start. Oh, and sixth, I go to therapy, workout, watch my nutrition, and generally try to practice an overall healthy lifestyle.
Do you participate in a program?
I don’t. In the beginning, I was a part of a twelve-step program, but by about the six-month point, I became more active in connecting with others online and being a part of online communities and working closely with a therapist and coach. Everyone has to really examine what works for them. If it brings you joy and peace, stick with it. If you aren’t growing, go where you’ll grow.
What do you do now?
After I quit teaching, I started working for a private tutoring company. Earlier this year, I became a certified coach and have been working with people on their own life goals and facilitating support group meetings for alcohol reduction and alcohol abstinence. It’s been great!
What happened to your liver?
The human body’s ability to heal is phenomenal, and I’m grateful to share that my liver is perfectly healthy again.
Last thoughts?
“If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.” – Paulo Coelho
I love this quote because it’s a reminder that giving up drinking can be terrifying. It can set off its own grieving process, but if you can say goodbye to alcohol, the new hellos waiting for you, personally, professionally, romantically, mentally, and health-wise, are unimaginable.
If you’re needing help, contact me to get started, email me: jessica@bottomlesstosober.com