Month: May 2023

Stop Cooking, Keep Drinking

Posted on by Jessica Duenas in Recovery Stories, Written by Jessica

I narrowly opened my eyes to find a man I had never seen standing over me. I gasped as I jumped up, only to feel the rip of smoke down my throat and in my chest. Dread filled my stomach. Oh no, what did I do? 

“Maam, you left your oven on, and your smoke detector’s been going off for I don’t know how long. I got the call to come in and see what was going on and see if we needed to call the fire department. It’s gonna stink in here for a while, but are you okay? I, uh, I can’t believe none of this woke you up.” The maintenance worker from my old apartment in Louisville kept eyeing the bourbon bottle lying within my arm’s reach. He knew what happened.

“Uh, yeah. I’m so embarrassed, and I’m so sorry. Am I going to get in trouble?” I asked him as I held back tears. 

“Maam, that’s outside my pay grade. You take care of yourself now.” He nodded, stepped back into the hallway, and left. 

I only remember that it was dark out, and the following day, I got a letter from the apartment complex’s management office informing me that if I caused another fire hazard, they would break my lease. I would have to leave immediately. 

Something had to change so that I wouldn’t lose my home. Was it my drinking? I WAS drinking up to a fifth of alcohol at this point. Nah, I thought, Let me just stop trying to cook altogether so I don’t start fires. I will order food delivery instead. What???

My alcohol addiction had distorted my thinking to the point that the “obvious” solution to me not burning down my apartment complex was to stop cooking and order takeout rather than examine my relationship with alcohol. Dopamine had entirely hijacked my brain to make it believe that I needed alcohol over all things to survive, so when deciding between making food or drinking alcohol, I effectively chose to drink alcohol instead. 

Some takeaways for you from this are:

  1. If you are trapped in a spiral of poor decision-making because of dealing with addiction, I know your brain wants you to hate yourself, so you can continue to spiral and feed your addiction, but it’s not you. Neurologically, it makes sense. I recommend this brief YouTube video if you prefer watching a video over reading an entire book. It’s not you. It’s the substance you’re addicted you.
  2. If you’re reading my story and thinking, “At least I didn’t do THAT,” remember that it’s really about any choices that you may be making that are problematic. Maybe it’s not that you’re almost causing a fire, but you’re driving, blacking out, getting sick, missing work, etc. 
  3. There is support out there. There are free programs, paid programs, mentors, sponsors, and coaches. You don’t have to go through this alone. You can reach out to me for a consultation for coaching here.

When your loved one is still addicted

Posted on by Jessica Duenas in Current Recovery Challenges, Written by Jessica

Tomorrow I will have 30 months of continuous sobriety, AND it took me fourteen months of repeatedly trying to quit (this includes lots of trips to facilities) before I finally stopped. All the times that I kept slipping and falling, things made zero sense for me, and they didn’t either for my sister, who was my biggest cheerleader and support in the process. 

“She asked me why I kept supporting you even though you kept relapsing.” We were grabbing some coffee in the kitchen when my sister, Sofia, shared a previous conversation with a colleague about me from my days of active addiction. Her coworker knew I was repeatedly ending up in hospitals because I kept drinking. In 2020, I would be set for a week or so only to crash and end up back in the hospital with a blood alcohol level of .3-.4. This colleague said she would not have kept helping me if I had been her sister.

“So I told her I understand that choice for her, but I saw you still trying, and as long as you were trying, I said I was going to be there for you, and look at you now.” Sofia looked at me and smiled as she finished pouring her cup of coffee and walked back to her office with her tiny little old man dog trailing behind her. 

My sister’s decision to continue to support me was her choice. Had she decided not to remain there for me in the throws of my struggles, she would have been within every right to do so, too.

So, what about you?

You have options. 

  1. You can’t do it alone. In the same way that people with addiction suffer in silence when they don’t talk about what they are going through, you also need to speak to at least one other human being (pets don’t count) about what you’re dealing with. Countless people are touched by addiction either directly or because they love someone dealing with it.
  2. You can join a support group for people who have loved ones with addiction. For example, there is Al-Anon, a 12 Step support group for loved ones. The Reframe App also has a weekly support group meeting on Wednesday nights for loved ones, and SMART Recovery Family & Friends also has a support program. I’m sure there are other resources, too. 
  3. Remember that someone else’s addiction is not to be taken personally by you, even if you have a role in their history where they may be some past unresolved trauma. The compulsive decision for someone to drink or do drugs over and over is a state that your loved one is in because their body has been hijacked by addiction. Regardless of how and why they started, why they remain where they are is the dark side of neuroscience, plain and simple. 
  4. Become informed and empowered: An excellent text that explains the neuroscience of addiction while remaining an easy read is The Biology of Desire by Marc Lewis. You can watch him give a talk here. 
  5. The boundaries you set with your loved one may not be the same as someone else’s, which is okay. My sister allowed me to stay in her house when someone else may have kicked me out. You have to set the boundaries that are going to work for you.

Give yourself grace. This is hard for anyone involved; you don’t have to do it alone as your loved one navigates this journey.

Updates

  1. Free Writing for Healing Workshop – July 8th
  2. Support Group Meeting for Educators – August 3rd
  3. Listen to my latest interview on The Sober Butterly Podcast and on The Reframe App’s Reframeable Podcast

Time Doesn’t Heal All Wounds

Posted on by Jessica Duenas in Current Recovery Challenges, Written by Jessica

“The older I get, the more I realize that time doesn’t heal all wounds. There will be things in life that will always hurt or be tender. I am releasing the idea that I must get over things to find happiness. I can be happy and still have some things in my life that hurt.

The older I get, the more I realize that everything doesn’t happen for a reason. Some things will happen senselessly and be completely devastating. I do not have to make something good out of something terrible. Toxic positivity isn’t helpful to my growth or healing.

The older I get, the more I realize that love isn’t always enough in relationships. I also need honesty, patience, compassion, boundaries, and consistency. There are so many moving parts that have to be tapped into and considered when creating a connection rooted in love.

The older I get, the more I realize that I can decide who I want in my life. I need the company I keep to be nourishing, supportive, and kind. I do not have to invest my time or energy in relationships that are the opposite, no matter how long I’ve known the person. I am learning to release the idea that I have to stay in relationships because of “time spent” in each other’s lives.

The older I get, the more I realize that some people will not change. It’s not my responsibility to “make” anyone into who I want or think they should be. My job is to accept people for how they are. If I’m unable to do that, I can adjust my behavior accordingly. Change happens on an individual level. It cannot and should not be forced.”

-Alex Elle,  Instagram .

The first two parts, “I am releasing the idea that I must get over things to find happiness” and “Some things will happen senselessly and be completely devastating. I do not have to make something good out of something terrible,” really stuck with me.

Since childhood, I often heard the saying, “Time heals all wounds,” but with time actually passing, I have found myself frustrated and wondering what was wrong with me when time did not, in fact, heal many of my wounds.

When I lost my partner due to his addiction in 2020 and still find myself occasionally suffering with pain years later, I realize that it’s not time that heals wounds, it’s our personal development work that does, and even then, in bits at a time.

Reading Alex Elle’s post reminded me to give myself permission to recognize that sometimes, there is no bright side, and yes, I can still live a happy, healthy life today while recognizing the lack of a bright side to certain events.

So what are some takeaways from this?

  1. If you’re sober and feel like your negative feelings about past actions are holding you back from appreciating your today, your “now,” give yourself permission to cringe at your old actions AND be happy about your new life at the same time. Your power today is knowing that you never need to return to the spaces you came from. Addiction is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to address it.
  2. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Doing the work does. (Well, it helps chip away at them.)
  3. Sayings we’ve heard since childhood deserve genuine examination. If you mindlessly regurgitate some saying you’ve always heard, ask yourself, “Is this always true?”

Curious about coaching? Schedule a 1:1 consultation here.

From Wanting Sobriety To Becoming Willing

Posted on by Jessica Duenas in Current Recovery Challenges, Written by Jessica

There’s a difference between wanting and being willing. Both are closely related, but willingness is a combination of wanting AND effort. When I was in and out of rehab, I wanted to be sober, but I kept putting conditions and limits on what I was willing to do to get there, so I kept drinking.

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If someone asked me, “Jessica, are you willing to consult a psychiatrist to look at possible medical support?” My response would have been, “No, I don’t want to take meds!” Why not? Because I had somehow adopted societal thinking that to take psych meds is a weakness, and that “real sobriety” comes without needing medical assistance. Note that just because I used medication to start my journey doesn’t mean you need it. This is my personal example.

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If someone had asked, “Jessica, what if you talked about your problems with alcohol? Do you think that might help you?” I immediately would have laughed at that person and said, “You’re funny. You think that I, a teacher, an award-winning teacher, can talk about my drinking and let people know I have a problem? I’d rather die.” And seriously, for a long time, I thought I would rather die than let others know I was battling addiction. When a former friend threatened to out me to his nearly 15,000 followers on Twitter, the idea of being caught when I was not ready to disclose hit my body with fear so powerful I wondered if I could stand to live after a betrayal like that. So no, I was definitely NOT willing to talk about it. Note that just because I speak publicly on platforms about my journey doesn’t mean you need to. This is my personal example.

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Here is the thing, in both of these examples, I wanted to stop drinking. I really did, but I was unwilling to do some of the work I needed to do to stop, and I was stuck.

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Can you work toward becoming willing? Yes! That’s the beauty of neuroplasticity!

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So, what can you do to work toward willingness?
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  1. List the action items that are required to be alcohol-free. Be brutally honest.
  2. For each action item, identify the feeling you associate with it. Fear? Anxiety? Worthlessness? Excitement? Joy? Do any of these emotions make you so uncomfortable that you want to throw your device out the window? Good! Those are the ones you need to work up to doing and will help you the most in the long run.
  3. For the action items that create feelings that feel miserable and make you think, “I know I need to do this, but I’m not ready.” Let’s think about baby steps. Maybe in your context, you know you need to talk about your problems with alcohol, but you aren’t ready to bring it up to your family. So a baby step would be, “I’m willing to find at least one other human to confide in.” – What actions go with that? Finding a community space to participate in, creating an anonymous social media handle, getting with a coach (I’m taking new clients here), and the list goes on.
  4. Over time, as you grow your confidence in the baby step, you can reassess your readiness for the “scary” action item and be able to overcome it.
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I’ve included a worksheet to help you if you’re more visual and need support.

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As always, if you want more individualized support with this work, you can schedule a 1:1 consultation here.

Managing Mother’s Day Weekend Triggers

Posted on by Jessica Duenas in Current Recovery Challenges, Written by Jessica

Let’s take a peek at the following circumstance that has been known to position several people I know to drink, myself included.

Situation: “I’m a single woman alone on a Saturday night watching TV.”

There isn’t really anything out of the ordinary about that. I mean, many people watch TV or stream entertainment.

However, that circumstance, “I’m a single woman alone on a Saturday night watching TV,” can be incredibly triggering for some, especially women on Mother’s Day weekend.

If you find yourself in a triggering circumstance, look at your thoughts and examine why they bother you. Why do they make your skin crawl to the point you would want to drink?

Let’s go back to the circumstance I am basing this on, “I’m a single woman alone on a Saturday night watching TV.”

First, the single woman part. Is there something wrong with being a single woman? Why or why not? If you read this and think, “Yes” or “Maybe,” why do you think it’s a problem? Is it because you want to be in a relationship, or have you absorbed societal expectations that women “should” be in relationships? Is it really a problem for you, or have you been taught to think it’s a problem?

Let’s look at the next part, watching TV alone, and add to that the fact that it’s happening on a Saturday night. I’ll ask you the same questions. Is there something actually wrong with that, or is it something you’ve been taught?

Suppose these circumstances are genuinely problems for you and you don’t like them. In that case, I invite you to create a plan to take action so you don’t stay in the situation you dislike. However, if you realize it’s not you, and it’s more that you’ve been taught that you should be in a relationship or that you have been taught it’s not okay to be watching TV alone or doing it on a Saturday night, this is a perfect opportunity to practice new thoughts!

Instead of thinking, “It’s sad to be alone on a Saturday night watching TV as a single woman,” I invite you to think of something different. I’m going to assume (and perhaps incorrectly) that maybe you’ve been busy all week. If that is accurate, an alternative thought might be, “I get to rest this Saturday night” or “I’ve accomplished a lot, and I deserve a night in.”

Notice these are still the same circumstances. We’re still talking about an individual who is a single woman alone on a Saturday night, but this individual has changed their thoughts and is now feeling a lot better about it and way less likely to drink.

What are some other thoughts that come up for you around other circumstances? Examine them. Are they really problematic for you, or has a source outside of yourself taught you to regard those situations as unsuitable? Instead of freaking out next time you’re triggered, slow down and examine your thoughts a little closer. See what you learn about yourself and what new ideas you can try to practice—wishing you all a peaceful Mother’s Day weekend.

Want to talk more about circumstances that apply directly to you? Schedule a free 1:1 coaching consultation here.

Goal Setting After the Fog Clears

Posted on by Jessica Duenas in Uncategorized

“When we drank, goal setting felt impossible because we were so trapped by the ‘now appeal’ of alcohol. All we could think about was where our next drink was coming from, itching to get off work so we could swing by the liquor store. We didn’t have the mental capacity to consider goal setting realistically. Now that you’ve been sober for a few months, you can visualize a future, make plans, and set goals. Isn’t that crazy?”

After I said that mouthful, I grinned at my client. She sheepishly smiled back as she processed that what I was saying was true.

Marc Lewis, in The Biology of Desire: Why Addiction is Not a Disease, talks about “now appeal,” which is the idea that choosing our substance of choice instead of abstaining at a moment of craving is driven by dopamine uptake, so immediate rewards (the alcohol and/or the other drugs you want to consume) are more compelling than long-term rewards (not pissing off your partner who you love dearly for the 10th time). Now appeal explains why when you have a craving, you feel like you will die if you don’t drink right then and there because alcohol hijacked your brain. Your brain mistakenly thinks you need alcohol to live instead of essentials like food, so it goes into survival mode and freaks out if you don’t have alcohol now.

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Once you’re sober for some time, your brain starts to rewire itself, and this panicked need for a drink eases up. You can come up for air and look out onto the horizon, and what do you see? Your future. What a gift.

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Once sober, you can start to set goals for anything you want, which is my favorite thing to do with clients. If we were able to stop drinking one of the world’s most addictive substances, we can absolutely do anything.

Speaking of goals, here is a worksheet to help you walk through goal setting and of course, if you want further support, schedule a consultation for 1:1 coaching with me here.

Post-traumatic growth? I never heard of that.

Posted on by Jessica Dueñas in Written by Jessica
Audio of text if you prefer to listen.

Post-traumatic growth? My ears perked up, and I thought, I never heard of that. I decided I wanted to really focus on what I was about to hear, so I slowed my packing and sat down to take in this episode of Kara Loewentheil’s podcast, Uf*ck Your Brain.

Kara featured a guest, a grief coach for widowed moms, Krista St. Germain, who explained a concept I have clearly been living, but never heard of, post-traumatic growth. 

Essentially, it is the idea that after a loss, the grieving individual propels themselves forward. So instead of returning to “normal,” for lack of better words, this person is now doing way better than before. For women, however, this can be difficult to do and avoid guilt, especially if the event was a partner’s death.

A great way to visualize it was Krista’s example, where she likened post-traumatic growth to the experience of rebuilding a home after a tornado hits.

She said, “If you’ve been living in a house for a long period of time and a tornado comes and knocks down your house, you’re going to have to rebuild your house, you’re going to have to find somewhere to live. You could try to rebuild that house as closely as possible to the house that you lived in. That wouldn’t be right or wrong or good or bad.

But if you lived there for a while, you probably learned some things about what you liked about that house and what you didn’t like. So if you’re going to build a house, you could also take advantage of that wisdom and experience and update the design and add more windows or add more electrical outlets or whatever. That’s post-traumatic growth. It’s like, can we leverage what we’ve learned from life experiences to create even more of what we want? It doesn’t make us better. It’s not morally superior. It’s just an option.”

After hearing Krista’s explanation of post-traumatic growth, I saw this concept in my life. Suddenly, my brain flashed to instances of each time someone hasn’t seen me since I quit drinking, and then they do. Without a doubt, they see the glow I never had back in the day, so of course, when they see me, they react with, “What’s your secret?” 

In general, my response is to smile and reply, “I quit drinking.” 

When you stop consuming alcohol after drinking heavily in secret for years, you look better. But in reality, my glow’s source is so much more complex than that. 

If I were being brutally honest, my response would be, “My boyfriend died from a drug overdose, and though that shit was one of the most horrific experiences of my life and completely shattered me, it allowed me to pick up the pieces of my life to structure it how I want it to be today, so I definitely look better. Thanks for noticing!”

That’s difficult to say, and it’s painful to write because, of course, as a woman, I’m programmed to put others first, even those no longer on this planet. I mean, how dare I have a glow-up after the death of a partner? Not only that, but I DO hate the loss that happened. It was an absolute tragedy that broke my heart. So, who am I to dare use his death as a reason to better myself? But that’s exactly what I did. 

I’ve thought about this repeatedly, and I promise you I cannot think of any other circumstance that would have launched me into doing the work I have done on my personal development as that tragedy did. 

My boyfriend’s death knocked me from the tightrope where I delicately walked while balancing my career in one hand and my addiction to alcohol in the other. For years, shame kept everything separate and neatly in place, never allowing me to seek help, or talk about what I was dealing with. Shame allowed me to maintain the status quo of that hellish harmony between my work and my drinking.

His death was the only thing in my life more forceful than the balancing power of shame, so when I fell from that tightrope and landed flat on my back, the only way to get back up was to let go of the alcohol and the job and piece myself together as a brand new person.

I wrote in the local newspaper outing my alcoholism, left my job, moved out of the state, sold my house, and started a new life. I did everything old-school sober folks say not to do in your first year of sobriety and everything my immigrant family culture says not to do concerning discussing addiction and mental health. I didn’t care anymore. I finally allowed myself to make my own rules and evolve as needed. THAT is the source of my glow.

Ever since, I’ve grown exponentially, found new love and work, and I coach others on getting free from their binds to alcohol as well. 

I don’t have gratitude for what happened. The losses I experienced don’t make sense, and I won’t make sense of them. But did I find a way to blossom after life dealt me some blows? I sure did, and I’m proud of myself for finding a way to thrive and not just survive. I’m so glad I did not return to my old “normal,” a state of perpetual secret inebriation. 

That, my friends, is post-traumatic growth. 

Want to work on your own writing? Join my Six-Week Writing Program here. 

Is 1:1 coaching with me a fit for you? Schedule your free consultation with me here. 

What didn’t work out for me wasn’t meant to

Posted on by Jessica Duenas in Uncategorized

I’ve been very open about the losses I’ve been dealt and how, early on, I wondered if I could recover from a broken heart. “Getting sober AND working through grief, ha!” I thought. 

Despite my doubts, I knew that if I trusted the process of getting sober, everything else would fall into place. I just had to stay the course. 

Today I witnessed my partner, a single father who has raised his 12-year-old son by himself, graduate from business school with his MBA. I sat side by side with his son, chatting and taking in the special moment. When the music playing switched to a violin instrumental of Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” I whispered/squealed to his son, “OMG, they’re playing Lady Gaga!” To which he replied, “Lady Caca?” We both covered our mouths to stifle our giggles.

What a silly and precious moment. 

When the moment came that I saw my partner walk the stage, I flashed back to this piece that I wrote that I had written as part of a larger piece I published in the newspaper:

“My dream is to attain long-term sobriety, and I believe one day I will, but just for today, I choose to live in recovery until I fall asleep. I will fight my alcoholism daily…I will live a good life. I will have a family, find peace and STILL be of service to others, just not in the way I had planned.” 

Today is exactly what I wished for years ago when I wrote those words and put my trust that things get better when we recover. Today is part of a continuing to-be-revealed answer to the question I often asked myself, “Why the hell is this not working out?” or “Why is this so difficult?” The things that didn’t work out for me before didn’t work out because they weren’t supposed to. What was meant to work out for me, is revealing itself daily. I just have to stay the course.

If you’re early on in trying to quit or wondering if quitting drinking is worth it, I’m here to tell you that it’s worth it. 

Everything you think you’re going to lose, or everything that you already lost, you only stand to gain it a million times better by taking that leap of faith.

What if being positive just isn’t your thing?

Posted on by Jessica Duenas in Current Recovery Challenges

“Just say all the positive affirmations, and eventually, everything you want will come true” or “Fake it til you make it” is another saying I often hear in recovery spaces.


Obviously, these strategies work for some people. Otherwise, we wouldn’t hear folks repeatedly speaking about the value of positive affirmations.

Photo by Jacqueline Munguía on Unsplash

What if being positive just isn’t your thing?

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My issue was that I struggled with “faking” positivity once I got sober. It felt really unnatural for me to buy into very positive thoughts.

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Eventually, through coaching, I learned about neutral thoughts, which has helped me and my clients make progress on changing beliefs that are otherwise painful.

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For example, we often judge ourselves regarding our past and can nauseate ourselves from the guilt of our past errors. “How could you have done that?” might be our random intrusive thought as we look in the mirror while brushing our teeth. We briefly make eye contact with our reflection only to rapidly look away because we’re THAT uncomfortable with ourselves.

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It would be nice to think, “I understand that I did the best I could with what I had.” Except, we might not buy into that belief yet, and it makes us cringe to say that. So, what is a step in between? What if we gave ourselves the grace to go from mentally shoving a finger in our own face and saying, “How could you have done that?” to “I’m willing to understand that I did the best I could.” You don’t fully believe that you did the best you could, but at least you are willing to try.

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So what action(s) might align with you becoming willing to understand that you did the best you could? It could be learning more about your situation and how it affects your body. Perhaps getting therapy, coaching, reading a book, or taking a class. For someone with alcohol use disorder, though they may not truly believe that their addiction is not their fault, learning more about the neuroscience of addiction might help move their beliefs in that direction.

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What is a thought that causes you to hurt? Name it.

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Now, think about an opposing idea. Does that thought seem far-fetched? If so, that’s fine. Now, find something in the middle that’s more within your comfort zone. Identify the actions aligned with that belief, work on those actions, and watch your thinking travel down the spectrum over time toward that lesser painful sentiment. 

Want to walk through this process in coaching with me? Schedule a free 1:1 coaching consultation here.

My next writing class starts May 10th! Sign up here.