In this episode:
In this episode of Bottomless to Sober, I talk about why “rock bottom” is a myth and how recovery doesn’t have to wait for a crisis. I share how I kept finding new lows in my own journey and what it really means to stop digging and start healing. I also offer guidance for those watching someone they love struggle—how to protect your peace when their “bottom” isn’t enough for them to change.
Resources:
Watch Jessica’s TEDx Talk – What’s Success Without Self-Worth
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas: Hey everyone, welcome back to Bottomless to Sober. I wanted to start today’s question with… or today’s question. I wanted to start today’s episode with a question.
Jessica Dueñas: And that question is, if any of you have ever said to yourselves.
Jessica Dueñas: This has to be it. This is my rock bottom.
Jessica Dueñas: Only to find that somehow there… there’s still more, right? There’s still something way below that, and then another level below that. And it kind of just keeps going to infinity. And no, the honest truth is it doesn’t go till infinity, because
Jessica Dueñas: Really, when we’re talking about situations such as addiction, right, the ultimate bottom is the loss of life.
Jessica Dueñas: But there are many levels of bottoms that a person can hit before getting to that point, to that point of tragedy.
Jessica Dueñas: Going back to that question, though, right, like…
Jessica Dueñas: Have any of you ever said to yourselves, this is it, this is my rock bottom? I’ll be the first one to say, I have been there many times.
Jessica Dueñas: I don’t even know how many times I’ve experienced something that I did as a result of my drinking, and then I convinced myself that that was my bottom, and I would never do it again, only to then land in the exact same position, if not worse.
Jessica Dueñas: I mean, there was my blackout and hospital stay in , very early on in my complicated journey with alcohol.
Jessica Dueñas: Years later, as we start to approach when I eventually get sober, my diagnosis of alcoholic liver disease in …
Jessica Dueñas: Mind you, that was the same year that I was supposed to give a TED-Ed talk for the first time, but instead I had to check myself into rehab, so I didn’t get to give that talk.
Jessica Dueñas: And here’s the thing, even after all of that, I still relapsed.
Jessica Dueñas: I remember in one of my spirals, under the influence, I ran back to an ex’s house. This ex was definitely not a safe person.
Jessica Dueñas: And I was sort of in just this entangled space.
Jessica Dueñas: with my romance… with my romantic life at the time. And there was a journalist who had also kind of caught my eye, and I had texted the reporter, and I was like, hey, I’m in this really bad spot, I need you to come save me.
Jessica Dueñas: And he did. You know, he came, he pulled me out of that ex’s home.
Jessica Dueñas: And even got the police involved, and that was so messy. Like, I remember just being in tears.
Jessica Dueñas: drunk, I don’t even know what I was wearing, you know, whatever I was on, barely clothed, I feel, if I really think about that memory. And I was just shattered.
Jessica Dueñas: And I thought, that was my bottom.
Jessica Dueñas: And then I drank again.
Jessica Dueñas: And then I went into rehab again.
Jessica Dueñas: And here’s the thing…
Jessica Dueñas: I used to definitely think that rock bottom was one single moment, and that whether it was for me or for anyone else experiencing a so-called bottom, that… that would be the moment where the light bulb will go off and, you know, I would suddenly be scared straight.
Jessica Dueñas: But… that’s just not the case. And so, you know, I hear people say, I hit rock bottom often.
Jessica Dueñas: But my… my thought really is, I don’t know that a bottom really exists, honestly.
Jessica Dueñas: And so, with that said, I feel like the truth is that
Jessica Dueñas: We’re digging, we’re digging ourselves deeper every time that we continue to pick up and continue to use or continue to drink, and that eventually we… we…
Jessica Dueñas: We are the ones that have that choice.
Jessica Dueñas: to…
Jessica Dueñas: recognize that maybe we need to seek help, right? That we don’t have to keep digging before we decide to seek help to help us stop.
Jessica Dueñas: And so I want to think about that a little bit.
Jessica Dueñas: Like, I don’t know, maybe you are someone who has sworn that this will be the last time that you wake up hungover.
Jessica Dueñas: And you just find yourself drinking a few days later.
Jessica Dueñas: Maybe you’re like me, and you promised yourself you would never go back to your ex, and then the loneliness mixed in with a little alcohol convinced you otherwise.
Jessica Dueñas: or… maybe you’ve watched someone else, maybe someone you love, like I did with my boyfriend Ian.
Jessica Dueñas: Truly believed that they had hit a bottom.
Jessica Dueñas: Only to find themselves slipping right back into the same pain they swore they’d escaped.
Jessica Dueñas: And I will say, Ian, he did hit a bottom, right? He… he did not… Outlive his addiction.
Jessica Dueñas: And so I say that to say that
Jessica Dueñas: A true bottom for me, like I said earlier, is a loss of life. But in the meantime.
Jessica Dueñas: There’s lots of digging that we can do before we get to that point, and
Jessica Dueñas: it’s so important to recognize that we don’t have to keep digging, right? If we find ourselves having a repeated
Jessica Dueñas: back-to-back breaking point, or a back-to-back setback. It doesn’t mean that we’re hopeless.
Jessica Dueñas: But it does mean that we’re human, right? Because this recovery journey, this growth journey that we’re all on, it’s not linear. And so, sometimes it’s going to take more than one massive setback before we finally are just
Jessica Dueñas: tapping out and saying, that’s it, I’m done, I really need some help.
Jessica Dueñas: I remember in , when I ended up in that hospital bed, I was recently married, and we recently got a house, and I was just so excited for our future together.
Jessica Dueñas: And everything came to a pause when I found myself in that hospital bed, because immediately, I wondered if I was worthy of my marriage, if I was worthy of this relationship, if I was worthy of everything that I had, because I judged myself so harshly.
Jessica Dueñas: for… Having a problem with alcohol.
Jessica Dueñas: I genuinely believe that I was less than because of it, and I was so ashamed.
Jessica Dueñas: And I remember in my head thinking, like, how could I possibly get here? Like, how could I possibly black out, have my then-husband find me, and call ? Because I blacked out and passed out, right? And he was terrified for me.
Jessica Dueñas: how could I do that? I’ll never do that again. That’s what I said back then, in . My sobriety date is November 28th, , so that goes to show you that we might say one thing, but what we actually end up doing can be entirely different.
Jessica Dueñas: That moment… That was supposed to be my rock bottom.
Jessica Dueñas: But it wasn’t.
Jessica Dueñas: And what I’ve learned between my experiences and those of all the people I work with in sobriety meeting groups and in coaching people one-on-one is that
Jessica Dueñas: the rock bottom idea, it’s not even about how far you fall, but really, it’s about when you decide to stop digging yourself deeper, right? It’s that moment that you decide that
Jessica Dueñas: You’re gonna start building.
Jessica Dueñas: And, you know, when I look back at the young woman that ended up in the hospital, Terrified.
Jessica Dueñas: I’m not even mad at her.
Jessica Dueñas: You know, she was doing the best that she could with what she had. She was stressed out, no way to cope, no education on how to cope in a healthy way. So, she was doing the best with the tools that she had.
Jessica Dueñas: And I know some of you might be listening right now, you know, trying to survive yourselves.
Jessica Dueñas: Even when you are breaking your own promises. And so I hope that you hear me when I say this, that you are not broken, you are not alone.
Jessica Dueñas: when you have a setback, when you hit yet a new level of rock bottom, consider that the invitation to try again. Consider that an invitation to ask yourself, what have I not tried in order to get sober?
Jessica Dueñas: Because what I promise you is this.
Jessica Dueñas: When you think that you’ve hit a rock bottom.
Jessica Dueñas: If you’re still here, if you’re still alive, if you are still breathing, the unfortunate truth is that things can get worse, right? But they really don’t have to.
Jessica Dueñas: And so, you don’t have to wait for another heartbreak as a result of your alcohol or drug use. You don’t have to wait for another fall, or another hospital visit, or another trip to rehab. You don’t have to wait until you get a scary diagnosis as a result of your drinking. You don’t.
Jessica Dueñas: You, you can stop digging right now.
Jessica Dueñas: And you can start building.
Jessica Dueñas: Even from the middle of a mess.
Jessica Dueñas: And I hope that if you remember even just one thing from this episode of me rambling, that it’s just this. You don’t have to wait for things to get worse.
Jessica Dueñas: Before you start to make them better.
Jessica Dueñas: And so, before we wrap up, I just want to speak to those of you who might be
Jessica Dueñas: Watching someone that you love struggle.
Jessica Dueñas: someone who, maybe, according to you, has hit what you thought would be a rock bottom, and you’re like, alright, well, now they’re gonna go get their… get their lives together. But…
Jessica Dueñas: your loved one doesn’t see that they hit a so-called rock bottom, right? Maybe they got a DUI, and they’re still out there drinking. And you’re like, what? How is this not, like, clicking for them?
Jessica Dueñas: I know how painful that is. Trust me. It is so hard to watch someone drown while you are standing there on the shore.
Jessica Dueñas: Screaming for them to… swim towards you, right? It’s one of the hardest forms of heartbreak.
Jessica Dueñas: I…
Jessica Dueñas: I can’t even tell you how hard it is to love someone who is not ready to save themselves.
Jessica Dueñas: And what I’ve learned…
Jessica Dueñas: Both from being that person who’s drowning, but also from loving others who have been there.
Jessica Dueñas: Is that you… you can’t make someone see their bottom, and you cannot drag them into clarity.
Jessica Dueñas: What you can do is stand in truth.
Jessica Dueñas: What you can do is be compassionate.
Jessica Dueñas: And sometimes, support looks like you needing to set a boundary that protects your own peace.
Jessica Dueñas: Or maybe it looks like you refusing to participate in their chaos?
Jessica Dueñas: And sometimes you do have to remove yourself, right? Sometimes you might have to say, I love you too much to watch you destroy yourself.
Jessica Dueñas: Love does not always mean rescue, and sometimes love means stepping back.
Jessica Dueñas: So they can finally feel the ground for themselves.
Jessica Dueñas: we… we can’t force people to believe that they’ve hit a bottom, and everyone’s path is different, everyone is… everyone’s journey is different. We don’t know when they’re going to finally say enough.
Jessica Dueñas: But we can model what it looks like to live differently, right? We can show them what hope looks like, and when they’re ready.
Jessica Dueñas: They can remember the person who stood in compassion without losing themselves.
Jessica Dueñas: And so, if you want some reflection questions, feel free to grab a notebook and press pause if you need to, but here’s just some reflection questions to take with you for…
Jessica Dueñas: Until the next episode.
Jessica Dueñas: So my first question is, when was the last time that you thought, this has to be my bottom? And what did that moment feel like in your body?
Jessica Dueñas: What was your body trying to tell you?
Jessica Dueñas: What small whisper inside you knows when it’s time to change? And do you listen to it, or do you quiet that whisper?
Jessica Dueñas: And what would it look like to take one small step toward healing today?
Jessica Dueñas: But anyway…
Jessica Dueñas: I would like to thank you all for spending this time with me. If this episode spoke to you, please share it with someone who might need to hear that they are not alone, and again, remember, you do not have to wait to hit
Jessica Dueñas: Any kind of so-called bottom before you decide to start to get back up.
Jessica Dueñas: Thanks, everyone. Appreciate your time today. Have a good one.
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