Month: November 2025

Link to Spotify

In this episode:

In this episode of Bottomless to Sober, I open up about navigating grief during the holidays while staying committed to my sobriety. After losing my mother earlier this year and experiencing past losses connected to pregnancy, partnership, and family—I share the tools that have helped me stay grounded, present, and alcohol-free.

Resources:

Watch Jessica’s TEDx Talk – What’s Success Without Self-Worth

⁠Follow Jessica on Instagram

⁠Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠⁠

Transcript:

Jessica Dueñas: Hey everyone, welcome back to Bottomless to Sober.

Jessica Dueñas: Today, I want to talk about something that feels especially present.

Jessica Dueñas: Definitely kind of heavy as we start to move through the holidays, and that is navigating grief and sobriety.

Jessica Dueñas: You might be grieving a parent, a partner, a pregnancy, a loved one, or, I don’t know, even an old version of yourself.

Jessica Dueñas: And this season can bring up a lot.

Jessica Dueñas: Sometimes more than what we expect, and to protect our sobriety, to protect our peace.

Jessica Dueñas: it is good to be prepared and equip ourselves with some tools and some strategies. And so, I’ll share a little bit about what this past year has been like for me, and what’s been helping me move through the grief, especially with the recent loss of my mother, and again, hopefully some practices that might help you as well.

Jessica Dueñas: So, I was talking with my sister and thinking about the fact that a year ago.

Jessica Dueñas: My mother, who at that point was 85 years old, she fell and broke her hip.

Jessica Dueñas: I was pregnant, and I remember as soon as I got the news that she had fallen and broken her hip, before anyone could say anything out loud.

Jessica Dueñas: I understood what a broken hip meant for her.

Jessica Dueñas: I knew it meant that my mother was dying.

Jessica Dueñas: And my body, I think, really knew it, too.

Jessica Dueñas: And so at every OB appointment, my blood pressure was just starting to creep up. And the doctors would talk to me about monitoring for preeclampsia, and I remember thinking, doesn’t it count that my mother is dying? Isn’t… isn’t that what you’re seeing in the numbers?

Jessica Dueñas: But it didn’t matter, right? At the end of the day, my blood pressure was going up, and…

Jessica Dueñas: Yes, my daughter was delivered safely on December 21st, but… I knew.

Jessica Dueñas: And not long after that, on January 25th, my mother did, in fact, pass away.

Jessica Dueñas: And here’s the thing.

Jessica Dueñas: Grief has been woven through my entire sobriety journey.

Jessica Dueñas: I entered sobriety after losing a partner directly to his own addiction.

Jessica Dueñas: My father had passed away in 2018, right before I won the Teacher of the Year award.

Jessica Dueñas: before I carried Amara, I had experienced the pregnancy loss.

Jessica Dueñas: And then… came my mother.

Jessica Dueñas: And for a long time, before getting sober, I really believed that grief was the one emotion on this planet that was just unbearable. Too heavy, too much.

Jessica Dueñas: Something that would break me if I let myself feel it.

Jessica Dueñas: And so I used to drink to outrun it, to… to try to soften it, to distract myself from it.

Jessica Dueñas: But sobriety taught me otherwise.

Jessica Dueñas: Sobriety taught me that.

Jessica Dueñas: grief… is heavy.

Jessica Dueñas: But it’s many other things, too.

Jessica Dueñas: yes, it can be a testament to the love that there was, and a lot of times, the people that we lose are also very complex, right? And we have these complex relationships with them. So grief is also…

Jessica Dueñas: The good memories, the hard memories, the things that are familiar, Joy, tenderness.

Jessica Dueñas: Complicated moments. Charged interactions.

Jessica Dueñas: And ultimately, it’s the entire history that existed between the two of you.

Jessica Dueñas: But it’s also the loss of any future memories, right? Of any future interactions. I remember…

Jessica Dueñas: clearly envisioning how I thought my mother meeting Amara would go.

Jessica Dueñas: In that moment that my mother broke her hip.

Jessica Dueñas: I remember placing my hand on my belly.

Jessica Dueñas: Just knowing that that interaction was gone.

Jessica Dueñas: Right.

Jessica Dueñas: And so…

Jessica Dueñas: grief really just carries this weight of how much you cared about this connection with all its flaws, with all its beauty, and…

Jessica Dueñas: Now there’s just this empty space.

Jessica Dueñas: One strategy that has helped me sit with grief, especially when it hits me hard, is pairing it with gratitude.

Jessica Dueñas: And you might be listening to me and thinking, what the hell, Jess? What do you mean, gratitude and grief? So, hear me out. When a wave of…

Jessica Dueñas: of, like, grief hits me, I look for moments of love in my memories, moments of connection, or moments of joy.

Jessica Dueñas: Why? Because it helps to balance the pain, right? And that pain is a reminder of what mattered, but the joy, the grief, and the connection can make me grateful for the fact that I got to experience it in the first place.

Jessica Dueñas: Yes, it can be incredibly hurtful to think about these difficult moments, but the pain is also a reminder that this love was very real. And when we’re able to

Jessica Dueñas: Find a moment of joy, find a moment of celebration, find a moment of gratitude for the fact that this person crossed the planet and was a part of our lives.

Jessica Dueñas: That can help soften that ache.

Jessica Dueñas: So, one of the memories that’s been helping me this season is,

Jessica Dueñas: this memory of my mom. Years ago. I mean, this was so long ago, I was married in my 20s, just for context, right? And I’m now 40. I’ll be 41 in February, so it’s been a long time. But years ago, I had a car wreck, and I needed a car.

Jessica Dueñas: And my ex did not want me to buy a new car with our joint funds. And when I say a new car, you know, a new-to-us kind of car. Just… I was not supposed to have another car because I had had this accident.

Jessica Dueñas: And I remember I was… Feeling really stuck, really powerless, honestly also very pissed off.

Jessica Dueñas: And I had called my mother crying about it, and…

Jessica Dueñas: I didn’t even ask her for help, I just happened to call her and was crying and frustrated. And without me asking, she immediately just said, right? Like, I’ll send you some money so you can get yourself a car.

Jessica Dueñas: In that one sentence, without me even asking for the support, She gave it to me.

Jessica Dueñas: more than what I was expecting. And she also empowered me to have a little independence, right? A little bit of wiggle room when someone else was telling me that, no, I couldn’t do this. She said, yes, you can, here you go.

Jessica Dueñas: There were no questions on her part, there was no judgment.

Jessica Dueñas: And for her, she was not mushy, so this was her act of love. This was her act of empowerment to protect her child.

Jessica Dueñas: And when I told this memory recently, I was telling my partner this, you know, my sister was there, and she jumped in, you know, to say that, that was mommy, that no matter how grown we were.

Jessica Dueñas: Our mother always had our backs. And sitting with that memory explains why the grief does feel so heavy this year, because regardless of our history, the love between my mother and I was incredibly deep, and

Jessica Dueñas: she had my back until she cognitively couldn’t. And her generosity?

Jessica Dueñas: was constant. If she had the shirt on her back and you needed a shirt, she would take it off and pass it on to you. And when I remember that, and when I remember her in that way, that is one of my biggest sources of comfort in this time of the holiday season without a mother.

Jessica Dueñas: So, if you’re navigating grief right now.

Jessica Dueñas: Here are a few practices that have been helping me, in addition to what I just mentioned.

Jessica Dueñas: So, like I said, number one, pair the pain with gratitude. I just gave you an example. When your grief rises, look for the memory that is underneath that, and let that love explain why this is so heavy.

Jessica Dueñas: Number two, Let multiple emotions exist at once.

Jessica Dueñas: Give yourself permission to laugh and grieve in the same breath.

Jessica Dueñas: you are human, you are not one-dimensional. You can absolutely enjoy a present moment and still miss someone. So if someone comes at you trying to say that you’re grieving the wrong way, or that you don’t look like you’re grieving, please ignore whatever they are saying, and remember that

Jessica Dueñas: There is no right way to do this. You’re existing, therefore you’re doing it right.

Jessica Dueñas: Number 3, notice the traits of your loved ones that still live on in you.

Jessica Dueñas: I love thinking about this. I remember one time in a staff meeting, I said that my guilty pleasure is noticing the parts of me that remind me of my mom, especially when I am with my sister, Sophia, because mommy had a sharp tongue.

Jessica Dueñas: And she… she did not hold back. And I definitely inherited that sharpness of the tongue. However, I’m sober, I’m in recovery, I gotta practice that pause, right? But sometimes what I will do after I practice the pause and, you know.

Jessica Dueñas: held my breath. I will run to my sister, and I will say to her, let me tell you what I would have said in this situation. And then the two of us have a good old laugh.

Jessica Dueñas: And in those moments.

Jessica Dueñas: my mother feels close. She feels like she’s here because I feel like I’m carrying her on with me. Just, you know, in a careful manner.

Jessica Dueñas: But number four, allow grief to change over time.

Jessica Dueñas: The first holiday without someone is hard.

Jessica Dueñas: The second one might be different. It might still be hard. We don’t know. Your grief might get softer, your grief might get heavier, your grief might surprise you. Let it do whatever it’s going to do without judgment. Just get curious, just observe, and roll with it.

Jessica Dueñas: And as I moved through this first holiday season without my mom.

Jessica Dueñas: you know, I was just joking earlier about kind of inheriting her tongue, right? But I do keep an eye out for the things that she passed down to me, the ones that I’m very grateful to have and to carry forward.

Jessica Dueñas: Number one, my mom was a very generous person. If she had it, she shared it. And I… I’ve come to realize that

Jessica Dueñas: that’s in me, too. Sometimes I’m not going to be the mushiest person. I am mushier than my mom, though, but I definitely have a streak of sharing when I feel…

Jessica Dueñas: Grateful and connected to others.

Jessica Dueñas: My mom was brilliant with numbers. She could budget, save, and plan with ease, and do a lot with a little. And now that I’m a mom, now that I’m a business owner, I’m starting to feel those instincts in me, right? The math…

Jessica Dueñas: I enjoy doing a budget, which sounds really weird, but I really… I love budgeting, and I think that that comes from her.

Jessica Dueñas: And then my mom’s loyalty.

Jessica Dueñas: She keeps a small circle, or she kept a small circle.

Jessica Dueñas: And there was a lot of love in that small circle, and that’s… that’s me. I thrive in small circles, I don’t have large friend groups, and…

Jessica Dueñas: I’m good with that.

Jessica Dueñas: So, with that said, if you feel ready, or even curious.

Jessica Dueñas: I want to invite you to reflect on a few questions about a loved one.

Jessica Dueñas: what were some qualities that your loved one brought into the world, right? How are they a gift to others?

Jessica Dueñas: Which of those qualities are you still carrying, or can you nurture?

Jessica Dueñas: And how does it feel when you notice that quality rise up in you?

Jessica Dueñas: I’m not going to lie, these questions are not going to get rid of the pain, but…

Jessica Dueñas: they can help you reframe everything, right? And sometimes that’s the most tender thing that we can offer ourselves, is a reframe.

Jessica Dueñas: So, if you’re carrying grief this season, you all, thank you again for listening. If you’re carrying this grief in sobriety.

Jessica Dueñas: I want you to know you’re not alone.

Jessica Dueñas: Your grief does not make you weak.

Jessica Dueñas: It means that you love deeply. It means that you’re human.

Jessica Dueñas: And it means that you’re… you’re on a healing journey.

Jessica Dueñas: So, thanks for being here with me. If the episode resonated, feel free to share it with someone who might need it. Until next time, thanks.

---

Return to Podcast Directory

Link to Spotify

In this episode:

In this episode of Bottomless to Sober, I’m talking about how to say no to alcohol during the holidays and protect your boundaries when others don’t respect them. In my near five years sober, I’ve been to countless parties, family gatherings, and work events where alcohol was front and center—and I know how uncomfortable it can feel when people question your choices or push you to drink. I’ll share how I navigate those moments with confidence and self-respect, without needing to overexplain or defend my sobriety. Whether you’re new to recovery, sober curious, or simply choosing an alcohol-free lifestyle, this episode will help you protect your peace and enjoy the holidays on your own terms.

Resources:

Watch Jessica’s TEDx Talk – What’s Success Without Self-Worth

⁠Follow Jessica on Instagram

⁠Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠⁠

Transcript:

Jessica Dueñas: Hey everyone, welcome back to Bottomless to Sober. For today’s episode, I want to discuss the idea of how to say no to alcohol during the holidays, and in addition to that, how to hold the boundary when people don’t listen.

Jessica Dueñas: Because here’s the thing. As holidays roll in, what are you going to start getting? A ton of invitations, right? Potentially. Sometimes it’s from workplaces, sometimes it’s from friends, sometimes it’s from family. And what often comes up with these invitations, once you’re physically in these spaces.

Jessica Dueñas: is that classic question, can I get you a drink?

Jessica Dueñas: And here’s the other thing.

Jessica Dueñas: I’m an open book about my addiction and recovery.

Jessica Dueñas: At the same time, I also recognize that, number one, not everyone wants to

Jessica Dueñas: tell their story, and number two, not everyone needs to share their story, right? Like, that is totally fine. Whatever your reasons are for not drinking, they’re valid, and they are yours to hold, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.

Jessica Dueñas: But with that said, it can be really helpful to have a few phrases ready, especially if you’re not in a space to dive into your life story every time someone offers you a drink.

Jessica Dueñas: So, here are a few ways to decline a drink this season.

Jessica Dueñas: Number one, I’m not drinking tonight.

Jessica Dueñas: No, as you’ve probably heard a bunch of times, it’s a complete sentence. It’s a good enough response.

Jessica Dueñas: And I know you’ve heard that before, but if you’re listening to this, chances are that you might still also be looking for what else to say, so keep listening.

Jessica Dueñas: Number two, I noticed even one drink really messes with my sleep.

Jessica Dueñas: And listen, at this point in our lives, no one’s arguing with better sleep, okay?

Jessica Dueñas: Number 3.

Jessica Dueñas: I started a new medication and can’t drink with it. This one’s a great one, except you just be warned that sometimes someone might still be nosy and ask, oh, what is your medication for? So really only use this one if you’re comfortable.

Jessica Dueñas: Number 4?

Jessica Dueñas: Even one drink gives me a headache lately. And here’s the thing, you’ll probably get a few, you know, responses saying, same here with that one. The older people get as time passes.

Jessica Dueñas: our bodies are not meant to be digesting alcohol, and so we do start to get bigger side effects as time passes. So you’ll probably have folks say, yeah, I get really bad headaches too. Another example, alcohol just hasn’t felt good lately, so I’m taking 30 days off to see how I feel.

Jessica Dueñas: What I like about this is that it’s low pressure, but it still communicates intentionality.

Jessica Dueñas: And then in the last two that I have, I’m driving tonight.

Jessica Dueñas: That one is very simple. That one’s practical, and I mean, that one’s really questioned. If someone is trying to get you to drink, knowing that you have to drive.

Jessica Dueñas: you kind of have to give that person a side-eye at this point, because it takes very little alcohol to be over the legal limit or close to it. It, you know, drinking and driving is never, ever safe.

Jessica Dueñas: And then lastly, I’m focusing on my health right now. This keeps it grounded, it keeps it general.

Jessica Dueñas: What I will say, though, to be honest, and my experience, is that most of the time, people don’t actually care what we are drinking.

Jessica Dueñas: But, every now and then, our decision not to drink can definitely activate something in others. Sometimes it activates curiosity, sometimes it activates some defensiveness, or even pressure.

Jessica Dueñas: And what I want you to recognize is that if someone does care so much about your drinking or not drinking, that they’re pushy or they’re dismissive, that often says.

Jessica Dueñas: relationship with alcohol.

Jessica Dueñas: Than yours with not drinking.

Jessica Dueñas: Now, please don’t go to the next person and say, oh.

Jessica Dueñas: Is my decision to get sober impacting you? Please don’t. But what I am saying is that there might be something there, right? And we never know what other people are going through. And that’s the thing. Sometimes our choice to abstain holds up a mirror that others are not ready to look into. And guess what? That is not yours to manage. That is their issue. You don’t own other people’s responses.

Jessica Dueñas: To your decision not to drink.

Jessica Dueñas: So, that’s honestly why it helps to know what you want to say before you’re in the moment.

Jessica Dueñas: Grab a mirror, practice a few of these out loud so that they can feel natural rolling off your tongue, and decide which one is best for you. You might be surprised at how empowered you feel when you protect your piece with some confidence.

Jessica Dueñas: Now, let’s talk about what happens when someone does not take your no seriously.

Jessica Dueñas: This is the opportunity that you get to actually practice holding a boundary.

Jessica Dueñas: When we talk about boundaries, I… it’s super important to remember that boundaries are not about controlling other people.

Jessica Dueñas: We cannot make anyone else do anything. But what you can do is take action when someone crosses the line. And essentially, that is what a boundary is. You have a limit if someone… you communicate what the limit is. When that limit is passed or crossed by another individual.

Jessica Dueñas: What do you do to protect that limit? That is what setting and holding a boundary looks like.

Jessica Dueñas: Melissa Urban, who is the author of the Book of Boundaries, she uses something called a stoplight model, which I love because it’s a very simple and effective way to think about escalating boundary actions to protect your boundary. So, let’s break it down.

Jessica Dueñas: When we talk about the stoplight model, right, think about the green light, it’s level one. It’s a gentle reminder to someone else that, hey, I said this was my limit, and just a friendly reminder, this is my limit. So this might sound like, hey, I said I’m not drinking tonight. I’d love for you to respect that.

Jessica Dueñas: Right? Low level, nothing escalating here. It’s light, it’s calm, it gives the other person a chance to course correct and honor your limit.

Jessica Dueñas: But let’s say they’re a little hard-headed, so they continue, and now we move up to a yellow light, so we’re at level 2.

Jessica Dueñas: Here, you’re giving a clear warning.

Jessica Dueñas: paired with the consequence of what you are prepared to do. You’re basically letting them know what will happen. So, here, it might sound like…

Jessica Dueñas: If you offer me a drink again, I’m going to have to step away from this conversation.

Jessica Dueñas: Again, you’re making it clear what you are prepared to do if they don’t respect your boundary.

Jessica Dueñas: You’re not telling that other person, I need you to stop drinking, right?

Jessica Dueñas: Level 3…

Jessica Dueñas: here we are at the red light. The person still is insisting that you need to have this drink for whatever reason. And so, this is your opportunity to take action, this is where you follow through, hold your boundary, and pass on the message to others that you are protecting yourself. So at this point.

Jessica Dueñas: if this individual were to keep pushing, you have to take the action you already mentioned. So, in this conversation, it would look like the person going ahead and walking away, I’ll talk… since you’re going to continue offering me alcohol, I’ll talk to you later, right? Something like that.

Jessica Dueñas: So maybe it is leaving the conversation. Maybe it is moving to another part of the room. Maybe it is heading home early.

Jessica Dueñas: The… the key here is…

Jessica Dueñas: integrity, right? Or I wouldn’t even say integrity, I feel like that’s not a good word choice, but the key is that your actions have to match with what you say. So, only name consequences

Jessica Dueñas: That you are genuinely willing to follow through on, because what happens is, if you are consistent in that you do what you say you’re going to do, that’s going to build self-trust for yourself.

Jessica Dueñas: But it’s also going to show other people that when you say, this is my limit, you genuinely mean it. And I guess that’s where I would say the integrity piece comes in, that people will start to see that you say what you mean, and you mean what you say.

Jessica Dueñas: Because here it is.

Jessica Dueñas: Boundaries, they are about protecting your peace. You’re not trying to punish other people, you’re not trying to tell them what to do, but what your boundaries do is that they remind you and the people around you that your no does have legitimate weight.

Jessica Dueñas: And that your well-being matters more than anyone’s temporary discomfort.

Jessica Dueñas: So… Let’s imagine this.

Jessica Dueñas: You are at your office holiday party.

Jessica Dueñas: And a coworker insists.

Jessica Dueñas: Come on, just one drink, it’s the holidays.

Jessica Dueñas: And so you smile, and your level 1 response is, thanks, I’m good with my soda tonight. Right? Again, that’s light, calm, setting the limit, and letting the other person know that you are not engaging with alcohol.

Jessica Dueñas: Now, this coworker turns around and says, ugh, seriously? Don’t be so boring.

Jessica Dueñas: So now, it’s time for your level 2, write the yellow light. I’ve already said no. If you keep asking, I’m gonna step outside for a bit.

Jessica Dueñas: And, if this coworker still doesn’t stop.

Jessica Dueñas: You take that level 3 action. You grab your jacket, you go outside, you take a deep breath, you remind yourself, this is what protecting your piece looks like, maybe this is when you text a friend for accountability or for support, and also, let this be a reminder that you don’t need to stay at the dang party.

Jessica Dueñas: Right? You can go. You can absolutely go.

Jessica Dueñas: So with that, I want to close out with some reflection questions.

Jessica Dueñas: For you to think about and journal with for yourself.

Jessica Dueñas: So number one, when have you felt pressured to explain a personal decision that you didn’t owe anyone?

Jessica Dueñas: Number two, how do you want to feel when you say no to something that is not helpful for you?

Jessica Dueñas: Number three, what are your stoplight level boundaries, right? What are your level 1, your level 2, and your level 3 actions when someone pushes your boundaries this holiday season?

Jessica Dueñas: And most importantly, What does protecting your peace look like for you?

Jessica Dueñas: And I want to remind you…

Jessica Dueñas: that, for this holiday season, saying no to alcohol, I promise you, you are not depriving yourselves. This is about your liberation. You are choosing clarity, you are choosing peace, you are choosing alignment, you are choosing better health.

Jessica Dueñas: And that is a gift that’s gonna go well beyond this holiday season.

Jessica Dueñas: And if this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who might need a little support navigating this season alcohol-free. And as always, thank you for hanging out with me, and I will catch you on the next episode.

---

Return to Podcast Directory