In this episode:
I share a deeply personal reflection inspired by a quote I saw online: “If you have daughters, you can’t be a bitch to yourself about your looks anymore.” As a sober mom raising my daughter, Amara, I talk about what it means to model peace instead of self-criticism and how recovery has helped me redefine beauty, strength, and worth. This episode is for anyone learning to replace self-judgment with compassion and to say, “I am enough.”
Resources:
The Instagram Post That Inspired This Episode
Watch Jessica’s TEDx Talk – What’s Success Without Self-Worth
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas: Hey everyone, welcome back to Bottomless to Sober. Today, I want to talk about something that’s been really at the top of mind for me since I saw it come up on my feed. It was a post on Instagram, and it said.
Jessica Dueñas: If you have daughters, You can’t be a bitch to yourself about your looks anymore.
Jessica Dueñas: You gotta keep that to yourself.
Jessica Dueñas: That’s right, girls. Mommy is beautiful and perfect.
Jessica Dueñas: The funny thing is that it made me laugh at first, but it also gave me pause.
Jessica Dueñas: Because it’s so true.
Jessica Dueñas: And since I’ve read that post, I really can’t stop thinking about what it really means.
Jessica Dueñas: Amara and I, we just got back from a weekend in Louisville, Kentucky, and I love that place, right? It’s a city that I lived in for 8 years, it’s become a second home to me after New York, and I was so deeply involved in Louisville as the Kentucky State Teacher of the Year.
Jessica Dueñas: It’s also the place where I completely imploded under the weight of my alcohol addiction. And when I left Louisville in 2020,
Jessica Dueñas: That was a part of me getting sober.
Jessica Dueñas: It’s… it’s a special place to me, because again.
Jessica Dueñas: everything I built in my career, I built it there, and that’s also where everything fell apart. But…
Jessica Dueñas: I love to go back there, and especially this time, I mean, I came back very different. I came back to the city that I once broken as a mom, right, with Amara.
Jessica Dueñas: It was only Amara’s second airplane trip, and it’s… it’s so cool watching her experience the world.
Jessica Dueñas: especially these moments of uncertainty that she has, right? She’s only 10 months old, and when she has these moments of… of panic, almost.
Jessica Dueñas: And then I can reassure her, it reminds me of how much of a safe space I’ve become for her.
Jessica Dueñas: There were definitely times when loud noises startled her.
Jessica Dueñas: Or she woke up from a nap completely disoriented, and her little arms were flailing, her eyes went so wide, almost like she wanted to say, Mom, where the F am I, right? But then as soon as her eyes found mine, and we just made eye contact, I would place my hand on her cheek, and I would just say.
Jessica Dueñas: you’re safe.
Jessica Dueñas: I’m here.
Jessica Dueñas: And she would just soften up. Her eyes would soften, her body would relax, and then she’d just plop her head back down on my chest.
Jessica Dueñas: And that’s what I did again and again on this trip.
Jessica Dueñas: I continued to have opportunities to ground her in safety.
Jessica Dueñas: Right? She can’t do it for herself, so I get to do it for her as her mother. And every time I said those words, you’re safe, I’m here, I felt so powerful. I mean, I felt badass. There was just…
Jessica Dueñas: this sense of a deep steadiness that came up in me whenever I had the opportunity to ground her.
Jessica Dueñas: And what I realized is that that steadiness, it’s a feeling that is very familiar to me in sobriety.
Jessica Dueñas: it’s a feeling of being anchored, right? Just that I am grounded enough that my feet are so grounded, I’m so planted, that no one can walk over me, push me down, or make me doubt myself. Almost like being a tree.
Jessica Dueñas: But the truth is… There are other moments for me.
Jessica Dueñas: quieter moments, When I don’t feel so rooted.
Jessica Dueñas: It happens to me when I look in the mirror.
Jessica Dueñas: And instead of appreciating the strength that I have built in these 9 postpartum months, that
Jessica Dueñas: that I’ve been active.
Jessica Dueñas: then my eyes will do something, like, go straight to my stomach, right? And I focus on what’s soft, what’s dimpling, and what lacks definition. And then my hand reaches to grab it.
Jessica Dueñas: And suddenly, That’s not my hand anymore.
Jessica Dueñas: It’s my mother’s.
Jessica Dueñas: And then I hear her voice saying.
Jessica Dueñas: Tienes que revajar y si estas gorda.
Jessica Dueñas: You need to lose weight. You’re fat.
Jessica Dueñas: And just as I am about to agree with that old voice, I think of Amara.
Jessica Dueñas: I think of what she’ll see if she grows up watching her mother pick herself apart.
Jessica Dueñas: How could I tell Amara, she’s perfect as she is.
Jessica Dueñas: if I can’t believe it about myself.
Jessica Dueñas: That’s when I remember the way she looks at me on that plane, how anchored she feels when I tell her, you’re safe, I’m here.
Jessica Dueñas: And I have to remind myself.
Jessica Dueñas: I am enough as I am.
Jessica Dueñas: Because the truth is, that quote, mommy is beautiful and perfect.
Jessica Dueñas: that… it’s not about modeling vanity, right? We’re not here to, you know.
Jessica Dueñas: create big-headed children, so to speak. And if they are, oh well. But it’s not about modeling vanity, it’s about modeling peace, and that’s why that quote stuck with me so much. It’s about modeling peace.
Jessica Dueñas: Because there are some real risks, right, to passing down that sense of not enoughness.
Jessica Dueñas: I know what it’s like to drink to escape myself.
Jessica Dueñas: to numb the belief that I wasn’t acceptable, that something in me was broken.
Jessica Dueñas: And… I want something better for Amara.
Jessica Dueñas: But… What does better look like?
Jessica Dueñas: for me, Better means… I don’t diet.
Jessica Dueñas: Even when my inner critic’s voice is really loud.
Jessica Dueñas: For me, Better means? I move my body for joy.
Jessica Dueñas: Not punishment.
Jessica Dueñas: For me, better means that I listen when my body says, enough.
Jessica Dueñas: And I want to point out.
Jessica Dueñas: That that is discipline in and of itself.
Jessica Dueñas: It’s just a different kind.
Jessica Dueñas: But it also means…
Jessica Dueñas: But I have to monitor my thoughts, and I have to work to catch the comparisons, and I have to work to reframe the criticism. And most days, you all, that’s pretty manageable, but some days, that’s still really damn hard work.
Jessica Dueñas: Because in one way, it’s easier to put down the alcohol and not drink again, because for me, it’s very simple. Either I drink or I don’t, and I don’t need alcohol to live.
Jessica Dueñas: But, my relationship with my body, that’s an everyday thing. That fluctuates. That goes up and down.
Jessica Dueñas: Now, in terms of wanting better for Amara, specifically.
Jessica Dueñas: What I envisioned for her is a life with less noise in the head.
Jessica Dueñas: Right? A quieter mind. I imagine her looking in the mirror someday.
Jessica Dueñas: And maybe her hand lands on her belly.
Jessica Dueñas: And maybe for a moment, that hand on her belly?
Jessica Dueñas: does become mine.
Jessica Dueñas: But instead of criticism, What she gets to feel is gentleness.
Jessica Dueñas: And maybe she’ll hear my voice saying, You’re perfect, as you are.
Jessica Dueñas: And she believes it.
Jessica Dueñas: Little noise. Very little debate.
Jessica Dueñas: Just peace.
Jessica Dueñas: Thanks for listening, y’all, to today’s episode. If it moved you, or if you found that it was helpful for you, please share it with someone else who’s working on healing their relationship with themselves. Until next time, take care, and remember, you are enough.
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