Link to Spotify
In this episode:
In this episode of Bottomless to Sober, I’m talking about how to say no to alcohol during the holidays and protect your boundaries when others don’t respect them. In my near five years sober, I’ve been to countless parties, family gatherings, and work events where alcohol was front and center—and I know how uncomfortable it can feel when people question your choices or push you to drink. I’ll share how I navigate those moments with confidence and self-respect, without needing to overexplain or defend my sobriety. Whether you’re new to recovery, sober curious, or simply choosing an alcohol-free lifestyle, this episode will help you protect your peace and enjoy the holidays on your own terms.
Resources:
Watch Jessica’s TEDx Talk – What’s Success Without Self-Worth
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas: Hey everyone, welcome back to Bottomless to Sober. For today’s episode, I want to discuss the idea of how to say no to alcohol during the holidays, and in addition to that, how to hold the boundary when people don’t listen.
Jessica Dueñas: Because here’s the thing. As holidays roll in, what are you going to start getting? A ton of invitations, right? Potentially. Sometimes it’s from workplaces, sometimes it’s from friends, sometimes it’s from family. And what often comes up with these invitations, once you’re physically in these spaces.
Jessica Dueñas: is that classic question, can I get you a drink?
Jessica Dueñas: And here’s the other thing.
Jessica Dueñas: I’m an open book about my addiction and recovery.
Jessica Dueñas: At the same time, I also recognize that, number one, not everyone wants to
Jessica Dueñas: tell their story, and number two, not everyone needs to share their story, right? Like, that is totally fine. Whatever your reasons are for not drinking, they’re valid, and they are yours to hold, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Jessica Dueñas: But with that said, it can be really helpful to have a few phrases ready, especially if you’re not in a space to dive into your life story every time someone offers you a drink.
Jessica Dueñas: So, here are a few ways to decline a drink this season.
Jessica Dueñas: Number one, I’m not drinking tonight.
Jessica Dueñas: No, as you’ve probably heard a bunch of times, it’s a complete sentence. It’s a good enough response.
Jessica Dueñas: And I know you’ve heard that before, but if you’re listening to this, chances are that you might still also be looking for what else to say, so keep listening.
Jessica Dueñas: Number two, I noticed even one drink really messes with my sleep.
Jessica Dueñas: And listen, at this point in our lives, no one’s arguing with better sleep, okay?
Jessica Dueñas: Number 3.
Jessica Dueñas: I started a new medication and can’t drink with it. This one’s a great one, except you just be warned that sometimes someone might still be nosy and ask, oh, what is your medication for? So really only use this one if you’re comfortable.
Jessica Dueñas: Number 4?
Jessica Dueñas: Even one drink gives me a headache lately. And here’s the thing, you’ll probably get a few, you know, responses saying, same here with that one. The older people get as time passes.
Jessica Dueñas: our bodies are not meant to be digesting alcohol, and so we do start to get bigger side effects as time passes. So you’ll probably have folks say, yeah, I get really bad headaches too. Another example, alcohol just hasn’t felt good lately, so I’m taking 30 days off to see how I feel.
Jessica Dueñas: What I like about this is that it’s low pressure, but it still communicates intentionality.
Jessica Dueñas: And then in the last two that I have, I’m driving tonight.
Jessica Dueñas: That one is very simple. That one’s practical, and I mean, that one’s really questioned. If someone is trying to get you to drink, knowing that you have to drive.
Jessica Dueñas: you kind of have to give that person a side-eye at this point, because it takes very little alcohol to be over the legal limit or close to it. It, you know, drinking and driving is never, ever safe.
Jessica Dueñas: And then lastly, I’m focusing on my health right now. This keeps it grounded, it keeps it general.
Jessica Dueñas: What I will say, though, to be honest, and my experience, is that most of the time, people don’t actually care what we are drinking.
Jessica Dueñas: But, every now and then, our decision not to drink can definitely activate something in others. Sometimes it activates curiosity, sometimes it activates some defensiveness, or even pressure.
Jessica Dueñas: And what I want you to recognize is that if someone does care so much about your drinking or not drinking, that they’re pushy or they’re dismissive, that often says.
Jessica Dueñas: relationship with alcohol.
Jessica Dueñas: Than yours with not drinking.
Jessica Dueñas: Now, please don’t go to the next person and say, oh.
Jessica Dueñas: Is my decision to get sober impacting you? Please don’t. But what I am saying is that there might be something there, right? And we never know what other people are going through. And that’s the thing. Sometimes our choice to abstain holds up a mirror that others are not ready to look into. And guess what? That is not yours to manage. That is their issue. You don’t own other people’s responses.
Jessica Dueñas: To your decision not to drink.
Jessica Dueñas: So, that’s honestly why it helps to know what you want to say before you’re in the moment.
Jessica Dueñas: Grab a mirror, practice a few of these out loud so that they can feel natural rolling off your tongue, and decide which one is best for you. You might be surprised at how empowered you feel when you protect your piece with some confidence.
Jessica Dueñas: Now, let’s talk about what happens when someone does not take your no seriously.
Jessica Dueñas: This is the opportunity that you get to actually practice holding a boundary.
Jessica Dueñas: When we talk about boundaries, I… it’s super important to remember that boundaries are not about controlling other people.
Jessica Dueñas: We cannot make anyone else do anything. But what you can do is take action when someone crosses the line. And essentially, that is what a boundary is. You have a limit if someone… you communicate what the limit is. When that limit is passed or crossed by another individual.
Jessica Dueñas: What do you do to protect that limit? That is what setting and holding a boundary looks like.
Jessica Dueñas: Melissa Urban, who is the author of the Book of Boundaries, she uses something called a stoplight model, which I love because it’s a very simple and effective way to think about escalating boundary actions to protect your boundary. So, let’s break it down.
Jessica Dueñas: When we talk about the stoplight model, right, think about the green light, it’s level one. It’s a gentle reminder to someone else that, hey, I said this was my limit, and just a friendly reminder, this is my limit. So this might sound like, hey, I said I’m not drinking tonight. I’d love for you to respect that.
Jessica Dueñas: Right? Low level, nothing escalating here. It’s light, it’s calm, it gives the other person a chance to course correct and honor your limit.
Jessica Dueñas: But let’s say they’re a little hard-headed, so they continue, and now we move up to a yellow light, so we’re at level 2.
Jessica Dueñas: Here, you’re giving a clear warning.
Jessica Dueñas: paired with the consequence of what you are prepared to do. You’re basically letting them know what will happen. So, here, it might sound like…
Jessica Dueñas: If you offer me a drink again, I’m going to have to step away from this conversation.
Jessica Dueñas: Again, you’re making it clear what you are prepared to do if they don’t respect your boundary.
Jessica Dueñas: You’re not telling that other person, I need you to stop drinking, right?
Jessica Dueñas: Level 3…
Jessica Dueñas: here we are at the red light. The person still is insisting that you need to have this drink for whatever reason. And so, this is your opportunity to take action, this is where you follow through, hold your boundary, and pass on the message to others that you are protecting yourself. So at this point.
Jessica Dueñas: if this individual were to keep pushing, you have to take the action you already mentioned. So, in this conversation, it would look like the person going ahead and walking away, I’ll talk… since you’re going to continue offering me alcohol, I’ll talk to you later, right? Something like that.
Jessica Dueñas: So maybe it is leaving the conversation. Maybe it is moving to another part of the room. Maybe it is heading home early.
Jessica Dueñas: The… the key here is…
Jessica Dueñas: integrity, right? Or I wouldn’t even say integrity, I feel like that’s not a good word choice, but the key is that your actions have to match with what you say. So, only name consequences
Jessica Dueñas: That you are genuinely willing to follow through on, because what happens is, if you are consistent in that you do what you say you’re going to do, that’s going to build self-trust for yourself.
Jessica Dueñas: But it’s also going to show other people that when you say, this is my limit, you genuinely mean it. And I guess that’s where I would say the integrity piece comes in, that people will start to see that you say what you mean, and you mean what you say.
Jessica Dueñas: Because here it is.
Jessica Dueñas: Boundaries, they are about protecting your peace. You’re not trying to punish other people, you’re not trying to tell them what to do, but what your boundaries do is that they remind you and the people around you that your no does have legitimate weight.
Jessica Dueñas: And that your well-being matters more than anyone’s temporary discomfort.
Jessica Dueñas: So… Let’s imagine this.
Jessica Dueñas: You are at your office holiday party.
Jessica Dueñas: And a coworker insists.
Jessica Dueñas: Come on, just one drink, it’s the holidays.
Jessica Dueñas: And so you smile, and your level 1 response is, thanks, I’m good with my soda tonight. Right? Again, that’s light, calm, setting the limit, and letting the other person know that you are not engaging with alcohol.
Jessica Dueñas: Now, this coworker turns around and says, ugh, seriously? Don’t be so boring.
Jessica Dueñas: So now, it’s time for your level 2, write the yellow light. I’ve already said no. If you keep asking, I’m gonna step outside for a bit.
Jessica Dueñas: And, if this coworker still doesn’t stop.
Jessica Dueñas: You take that level 3 action. You grab your jacket, you go outside, you take a deep breath, you remind yourself, this is what protecting your piece looks like, maybe this is when you text a friend for accountability or for support, and also, let this be a reminder that you don’t need to stay at the dang party.
Jessica Dueñas: Right? You can go. You can absolutely go.
Jessica Dueñas: So with that, I want to close out with some reflection questions.
Jessica Dueñas: For you to think about and journal with for yourself.
Jessica Dueñas: So number one, when have you felt pressured to explain a personal decision that you didn’t owe anyone?
Jessica Dueñas: Number two, how do you want to feel when you say no to something that is not helpful for you?
Jessica Dueñas: Number three, what are your stoplight level boundaries, right? What are your level 1, your level 2, and your level 3 actions when someone pushes your boundaries this holiday season?
Jessica Dueñas: And most importantly, What does protecting your peace look like for you?
Jessica Dueñas: And I want to remind you…
Jessica Dueñas: that, for this holiday season, saying no to alcohol, I promise you, you are not depriving yourselves. This is about your liberation. You are choosing clarity, you are choosing peace, you are choosing alignment, you are choosing better health.
Jessica Dueñas: And that is a gift that’s gonna go well beyond this holiday season.
Jessica Dueñas: And if this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who might need a little support navigating this season alcohol-free. And as always, thank you for hanging out with me, and I will catch you on the next episode.
Return to Podcast Directory
