In this episode:
In this episode of Bottomless to Sober, I open up about navigating grief during the holidays while staying committed to my sobriety. After losing my mother earlier this year and experiencing past losses connected to pregnancy, partnership, and family—I share the tools that have helped me stay grounded, present, and alcohol-free.
Resources:
Watch Jessica’s TEDx Talk – What’s Success Without Self-Worth
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas: Hey everyone, welcome back to Bottomless to Sober.
Jessica Dueñas: Today, I want to talk about something that feels especially present.
Jessica Dueñas: Definitely kind of heavy as we start to move through the holidays, and that is navigating grief and sobriety.
Jessica Dueñas: You might be grieving a parent, a partner, a pregnancy, a loved one, or, I don’t know, even an old version of yourself.
Jessica Dueñas: And this season can bring up a lot.
Jessica Dueñas: Sometimes more than what we expect, and to protect our sobriety, to protect our peace.
Jessica Dueñas: it is good to be prepared and equip ourselves with some tools and some strategies. And so, I’ll share a little bit about what this past year has been like for me, and what’s been helping me move through the grief, especially with the recent loss of my mother, and again, hopefully some practices that might help you as well.
Jessica Dueñas: So, I was talking with my sister and thinking about the fact that a year ago.
Jessica Dueñas: My mother, who at that point was 85 years old, she fell and broke her hip.
Jessica Dueñas: I was pregnant, and I remember as soon as I got the news that she had fallen and broken her hip, before anyone could say anything out loud.
Jessica Dueñas: I understood what a broken hip meant for her.
Jessica Dueñas: I knew it meant that my mother was dying.
Jessica Dueñas: And my body, I think, really knew it, too.
Jessica Dueñas: And so at every OB appointment, my blood pressure was just starting to creep up. And the doctors would talk to me about monitoring for preeclampsia, and I remember thinking, doesn’t it count that my mother is dying? Isn’t… isn’t that what you’re seeing in the numbers?
Jessica Dueñas: But it didn’t matter, right? At the end of the day, my blood pressure was going up, and…
Jessica Dueñas: Yes, my daughter was delivered safely on December 21st, but… I knew.
Jessica Dueñas: And not long after that, on January 25th, my mother did, in fact, pass away.
Jessica Dueñas: And here’s the thing.
Jessica Dueñas: Grief has been woven through my entire sobriety journey.
Jessica Dueñas: I entered sobriety after losing a partner directly to his own addiction.
Jessica Dueñas: My father had passed away in 2018, right before I won the Teacher of the Year award.
Jessica Dueñas: before I carried Amara, I had experienced the pregnancy loss.
Jessica Dueñas: And then… came my mother.
Jessica Dueñas: And for a long time, before getting sober, I really believed that grief was the one emotion on this planet that was just unbearable. Too heavy, too much.
Jessica Dueñas: Something that would break me if I let myself feel it.
Jessica Dueñas: And so I used to drink to outrun it, to… to try to soften it, to distract myself from it.
Jessica Dueñas: But sobriety taught me otherwise.
Jessica Dueñas: Sobriety taught me that.
Jessica Dueñas: grief… is heavy.
Jessica Dueñas: But it’s many other things, too.
Jessica Dueñas: yes, it can be a testament to the love that there was, and a lot of times, the people that we lose are also very complex, right? And we have these complex relationships with them. So grief is also…
Jessica Dueñas: The good memories, the hard memories, the things that are familiar, Joy, tenderness.
Jessica Dueñas: Complicated moments. Charged interactions.
Jessica Dueñas: And ultimately, it’s the entire history that existed between the two of you.
Jessica Dueñas: But it’s also the loss of any future memories, right? Of any future interactions. I remember…
Jessica Dueñas: clearly envisioning how I thought my mother meeting Amara would go.
Jessica Dueñas: In that moment that my mother broke her hip.
Jessica Dueñas: I remember placing my hand on my belly.
Jessica Dueñas: Just knowing that that interaction was gone.
Jessica Dueñas: Right.
Jessica Dueñas: And so…
Jessica Dueñas: grief really just carries this weight of how much you cared about this connection with all its flaws, with all its beauty, and…
Jessica Dueñas: Now there’s just this empty space.
Jessica Dueñas: One strategy that has helped me sit with grief, especially when it hits me hard, is pairing it with gratitude.
Jessica Dueñas: And you might be listening to me and thinking, what the hell, Jess? What do you mean, gratitude and grief? So, hear me out. When a wave of…
Jessica Dueñas: of, like, grief hits me, I look for moments of love in my memories, moments of connection, or moments of joy.
Jessica Dueñas: Why? Because it helps to balance the pain, right? And that pain is a reminder of what mattered, but the joy, the grief, and the connection can make me grateful for the fact that I got to experience it in the first place.
Jessica Dueñas: Yes, it can be incredibly hurtful to think about these difficult moments, but the pain is also a reminder that this love was very real. And when we’re able to
Jessica Dueñas: Find a moment of joy, find a moment of celebration, find a moment of gratitude for the fact that this person crossed the planet and was a part of our lives.
Jessica Dueñas: That can help soften that ache.
Jessica Dueñas: So, one of the memories that’s been helping me this season is,
Jessica Dueñas: this memory of my mom. Years ago. I mean, this was so long ago, I was married in my 20s, just for context, right? And I’m now 40. I’ll be 41 in February, so it’s been a long time. But years ago, I had a car wreck, and I needed a car.
Jessica Dueñas: And my ex did not want me to buy a new car with our joint funds. And when I say a new car, you know, a new-to-us kind of car. Just… I was not supposed to have another car because I had had this accident.
Jessica Dueñas: And I remember I was… Feeling really stuck, really powerless, honestly also very pissed off.
Jessica Dueñas: And I had called my mother crying about it, and…
Jessica Dueñas: I didn’t even ask her for help, I just happened to call her and was crying and frustrated. And without me asking, she immediately just said, right? Like, I’ll send you some money so you can get yourself a car.
Jessica Dueñas: In that one sentence, without me even asking for the support, She gave it to me.
Jessica Dueñas: more than what I was expecting. And she also empowered me to have a little independence, right? A little bit of wiggle room when someone else was telling me that, no, I couldn’t do this. She said, yes, you can, here you go.
Jessica Dueñas: There were no questions on her part, there was no judgment.
Jessica Dueñas: And for her, she was not mushy, so this was her act of love. This was her act of empowerment to protect her child.
Jessica Dueñas: And when I told this memory recently, I was telling my partner this, you know, my sister was there, and she jumped in, you know, to say that, that was mommy, that no matter how grown we were.
Jessica Dueñas: Our mother always had our backs. And sitting with that memory explains why the grief does feel so heavy this year, because regardless of our history, the love between my mother and I was incredibly deep, and
Jessica Dueñas: she had my back until she cognitively couldn’t. And her generosity?
Jessica Dueñas: was constant. If she had the shirt on her back and you needed a shirt, she would take it off and pass it on to you. And when I remember that, and when I remember her in that way, that is one of my biggest sources of comfort in this time of the holiday season without a mother.
Jessica Dueñas: So, if you’re navigating grief right now.
Jessica Dueñas: Here are a few practices that have been helping me, in addition to what I just mentioned.
Jessica Dueñas: So, like I said, number one, pair the pain with gratitude. I just gave you an example. When your grief rises, look for the memory that is underneath that, and let that love explain why this is so heavy.
Jessica Dueñas: Number two, Let multiple emotions exist at once.
Jessica Dueñas: Give yourself permission to laugh and grieve in the same breath.
Jessica Dueñas: you are human, you are not one-dimensional. You can absolutely enjoy a present moment and still miss someone. So if someone comes at you trying to say that you’re grieving the wrong way, or that you don’t look like you’re grieving, please ignore whatever they are saying, and remember that
Jessica Dueñas: There is no right way to do this. You’re existing, therefore you’re doing it right.
Jessica Dueñas: Number 3, notice the traits of your loved ones that still live on in you.
Jessica Dueñas: I love thinking about this. I remember one time in a staff meeting, I said that my guilty pleasure is noticing the parts of me that remind me of my mom, especially when I am with my sister, Sophia, because mommy had a sharp tongue.
Jessica Dueñas: And she… she did not hold back. And I definitely inherited that sharpness of the tongue. However, I’m sober, I’m in recovery, I gotta practice that pause, right? But sometimes what I will do after I practice the pause and, you know.
Jessica Dueñas: held my breath. I will run to my sister, and I will say to her, let me tell you what I would have said in this situation. And then the two of us have a good old laugh.
Jessica Dueñas: And in those moments.
Jessica Dueñas: my mother feels close. She feels like she’s here because I feel like I’m carrying her on with me. Just, you know, in a careful manner.
Jessica Dueñas: But number four, allow grief to change over time.
Jessica Dueñas: The first holiday without someone is hard.
Jessica Dueñas: The second one might be different. It might still be hard. We don’t know. Your grief might get softer, your grief might get heavier, your grief might surprise you. Let it do whatever it’s going to do without judgment. Just get curious, just observe, and roll with it.
Jessica Dueñas: And as I moved through this first holiday season without my mom.
Jessica Dueñas: you know, I was just joking earlier about kind of inheriting her tongue, right? But I do keep an eye out for the things that she passed down to me, the ones that I’m very grateful to have and to carry forward.
Jessica Dueñas: Number one, my mom was a very generous person. If she had it, she shared it. And I… I’ve come to realize that
Jessica Dueñas: that’s in me, too. Sometimes I’m not going to be the mushiest person. I am mushier than my mom, though, but I definitely have a streak of sharing when I feel…
Jessica Dueñas: Grateful and connected to others.
Jessica Dueñas: My mom was brilliant with numbers. She could budget, save, and plan with ease, and do a lot with a little. And now that I’m a mom, now that I’m a business owner, I’m starting to feel those instincts in me, right? The math…
Jessica Dueñas: I enjoy doing a budget, which sounds really weird, but I really… I love budgeting, and I think that that comes from her.
Jessica Dueñas: And then my mom’s loyalty.
Jessica Dueñas: She keeps a small circle, or she kept a small circle.
Jessica Dueñas: And there was a lot of love in that small circle, and that’s… that’s me. I thrive in small circles, I don’t have large friend groups, and…
Jessica Dueñas: I’m good with that.
Jessica Dueñas: So, with that said, if you feel ready, or even curious.
Jessica Dueñas: I want to invite you to reflect on a few questions about a loved one.
Jessica Dueñas: what were some qualities that your loved one brought into the world, right? How are they a gift to others?
Jessica Dueñas: Which of those qualities are you still carrying, or can you nurture?
Jessica Dueñas: And how does it feel when you notice that quality rise up in you?
Jessica Dueñas: I’m not going to lie, these questions are not going to get rid of the pain, but…
Jessica Dueñas: they can help you reframe everything, right? And sometimes that’s the most tender thing that we can offer ourselves, is a reframe.
Jessica Dueñas: So, if you’re carrying grief this season, you all, thank you again for listening. If you’re carrying this grief in sobriety.
Jessica Dueñas: I want you to know you’re not alone.
Jessica Dueñas: Your grief does not make you weak.
Jessica Dueñas: It means that you love deeply. It means that you’re human.
Jessica Dueñas: And it means that you’re… you’re on a healing journey.
Jessica Dueñas: So, thanks for being here with me. If the episode resonated, feel free to share it with someone who might need it. Until next time, thanks.
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