Author: Jessica Duenas

Tomorrow I will have 30 months of continuous sobriety, AND it took me fourteen months of repeatedly trying to quit (this includes lots of trips to facilities) before I finally stopped. All the times that I kept slipping and falling, things made zero sense for me, and they didn’t either for my sister, who was my biggest cheerleader and support in the process. 

“She asked me why I kept supporting you even though you kept relapsing.” We were grabbing some coffee in the kitchen when my sister, Sofia, shared a previous conversation with a colleague about me from my days of active addiction. Her coworker knew I was repeatedly ending up in hospitals because I kept drinking. In 2020, I would be set for a week or so only to crash and end up back in the hospital with a blood alcohol level of .3-.4. This colleague said she would not have kept helping me if I had been her sister.

“So I told her I understand that choice for her, but I saw you still trying, and as long as you were trying, I said I was going to be there for you, and look at you now.” Sofia looked at me and smiled as she finished pouring her cup of coffee and walked back to her office with her tiny little old man dog trailing behind her. 

My sister’s decision to continue to support me was her choice. Had she decided not to remain there for me in the throws of my struggles, she would have been within every right to do so, too.

So, what about you?

You have options. 

1. You can’t do it alone. In the same way that people with addiction suffer in silence when they don’t talk about what they are going through, you also need to speak to at least one other human being (pets don’t count) about what you’re dealing with. Countless people are touched by addiction either directly or because they love someone dealing with it.
2. You can join a support group for people who have loved ones with addiction. For example, there is Al-Anon, a 12 Step support group for loved ones. The Reframe App also has a weekly support group meeting on Wednesday nights for loved ones, and SMART Recovery Family & Friends also has a support program. I’m sure there are other resources, too. 
3. Remember that someone else’s addiction is not to be taken personally by you, even if you have a role in their history where they may be some past unresolved trauma. The compulsive decision for someone to drink or do drugs over and over is a state that your loved one is in because their body has been hijacked by addiction. Regardless of how and why they started, why they remain where they are is the dark side of neuroscience, plain and simple. 
4. Become informed and empowered: An excellent text that explains the neuroscience of addiction while remaining an easy read is The Biology of Desire by Marc Lewis. You can watch him give a talk here. 
5. The boundaries you set with your loved one may not be the same as someone else’s, which is okay. My sister allowed me to stay in her house when someone else may have kicked me out. You have to set the boundaries that are going to work for you.

Give yourself grace. This is hard for anyone involved; you don’t have to do it alone as your loved one navigates this journey.

Updates

1. Free Writing for Healing Workshop – July 8th
2. Support Group Meeting for Educators – August 3rd
3. Listen to my latest interview on The Sober Butterly Podcast and on The Reframe App’s Reframeable Podcast

“The older I get, the more I realize that time doesn’t heal all wounds. There will be things in life that will always hurt or be tender. I am releasing the idea that I must get over things to find happiness. I can be happy and still have some things in my life that hurt.

The older I get, the more I realize that everything doesn’t happen for a reason. Some things will happen senselessly and be completely devastating. I do not have to make something good out of something terrible. Toxic positivity isn’t helpful to my growth or healing.

The older I get, the more I realize that love isn’t always enough in relationships. I also need honesty, patience, compassion, boundaries, and consistency. There are so many moving parts that have to be tapped into and considered when creating a connection rooted in love.

The older I get, the more I realize that I can decide who I want in my life. I need the company I keep to be nourishing, supportive, and kind. I do not have to invest my time or energy in relationships that are the opposite, no matter how long I’ve known the person. I am learning to release the idea that I have to stay in relationships because of “time spent” in each other’s lives.

The older I get, the more I realize that some people will not change. It’s not my responsibility to “make” anyone into who I want or think they should be. My job is to accept people for how they are. If I’m unable to do that, I can adjust my behavior accordingly. Change happens on an individual level. It cannot and should not be forced.”

-Alex Elle,  Instagram .

The first two parts, “I am releasing the idea that I must get over things to find happiness” and “Some things will happen senselessly and be completely devastating. I do not have to make something good out of something terrible,” really stuck with me.

Since childhood, I often heard the saying, “Time heals all wounds,” but with time actually passing, I have found myself frustrated and wondering what was wrong with me when time did not, in fact, heal many of my wounds.

When I lost my partner due to his addiction in 2020 and still find myself occasionally suffering with pain years later, I realize that it’s not time that heals wounds, it’s our personal development work that does, and even then, in bits at a time.

Reading Alex Elle’s post reminded me to give myself permission to recognize that sometimes, there is no bright side, and yes, I can still live a happy, healthy life today while recognizing the lack of a bright side to certain events.

So what are some takeaways from this?

1. If you’re sober and feel like your negative feelings about past actions are holding you back from appreciating your today, your “now,” give yourself permission to cringe at your old actions AND be happy about your new life at the same time. Your power today is knowing that you never need to return to the spaces you came from. Addiction is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to address it.
2. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Doing the work does. (Well, it helps chip away at them.)
3. Sayings we’ve heard since childhood deserve genuine examination. If you mindlessly regurgitate some saying you’ve always heard, ask yourself, “Is this always true?”

Curious about coaching? Schedule a 1:1 consultation here.

There’s a difference between wanting and being willing. Both are closely related, but willingness is a combination of wanting AND effort. When I was in and out of rehab, I wanted to be sober, but I kept putting conditions and limits on what I was willing to do to get there, so I kept drinking.

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If someone asked me, “Jessica, are you willing to consult a psychiatrist to look at possible medical support?” My response would have been, “No, I don’t want to take meds!” Why not? Because I had somehow adopted societal thinking that to take psych meds is a weakness, and that “real sobriety” comes without needing medical assistance. Note that just because I used medication to start my journey doesn’t mean you need it. This is my personal example.

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If someone had asked, “Jessica, what if you talked about your problems with alcohol? Do you think that might help you?” I immediately would have laughed at that person and said, “You’re funny. You think that I, a teacher, an award-winning teacher, can talk about my drinking and let people know I have a problem? I’d rather die.” And seriously, for a long time, I thought I would rather die than let others know I was battling addiction. When a former friend threatened to out me to his nearly 15,000 followers on Twitter, the idea of being caught when I was not ready to disclose hit my body with fear so powerful I wondered if I could stand to live after a betrayal like that. So no, I was definitely NOT willing to talk about it. Note that just because I speak publicly on platforms about my journey doesn’t mean you need to. This is my personal example.

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Here is the thing, in both of these examples, I wanted to stop drinking. I really did, but I was unwilling to do some of the work I needed to do to stop, and I was stuck.

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Can you work toward becoming willing? Yes! That’s the beauty of neuroplasticity!

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So, what can you do to work toward willingness?
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1. List the action items that are required to be alcohol-free. Be brutally honest.
2. For each action item, identify the feeling you associate with it. Fear? Anxiety? Worthlessness? Excitement? Joy? Do any of these emotions make you so uncomfortable that you want to throw your device out the window? Good! Those are the ones you need to work up to doing and will help you the most in the long run.
3. For the action items that create feelings that feel miserable and make you think, “I know I need to do this, but I’m not ready.” Let’s think about baby steps. Maybe in your context, you know you need to talk about your problems with alcohol, but you aren’t ready to bring it up to your family. So a baby step would be, “I’m willing to find at least one other human to confide in.” – What actions go with that? Finding a community space to participate in, creating an anonymous social media handle, getting with a coach (I’m taking new clients here), and the list goes on.
4. Over time, as you grow your confidence in the baby step, you can reassess your readiness for the “scary” action item and be able to overcome it.
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I’ve included a worksheet to help you if you’re more visual and need support.

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As always, if you want more individualized support with this work, you can schedule a 1:1 consultation here.

Let’s take a peek at the following circumstance that has been known to position several people I know to drink, myself included.

Situation: “I’m a single woman alone on a Saturday night watching TV.”

There isn’t really anything out of the ordinary about that. I mean, many people watch TV or stream entertainment.

However, that circumstance, “I’m a single woman alone on a Saturday night watching TV,” can be incredibly triggering for some, especially women on Mother’s Day weekend.

If you find yourself in a triggering circumstance, look at your thoughts and examine why they bother you. Why do they make your skin crawl to the point you would want to drink?

Let’s go back to the circumstance I am basing this on, “I’m a single woman alone on a Saturday night watching TV.”

First, the single woman part. Is there something wrong with being a single woman? Why or why not? If you read this and think, “Yes” or “Maybe,” why do you think it’s a problem? Is it because you want to be in a relationship, or have you absorbed societal expectations that women “should” be in relationships? Is it really a problem for you, or have you been taught to think it’s a problem?

Let’s look at the next part, watching TV alone, and add to that the fact that it’s happening on a Saturday night. I’ll ask you the same questions. Is there something actually wrong with that, or is it something you’ve been taught?

Suppose these circumstances are genuinely problems for you and you don’t like them. In that case, I invite you to create a plan to take action so you don’t stay in the situation you dislike. However, if you realize it’s not you, and it’s more that you’ve been taught that you should be in a relationship or that you have been taught it’s not okay to be watching TV alone or doing it on a Saturday night, this is a perfect opportunity to practice new thoughts!

Instead of thinking, “It’s sad to be alone on a Saturday night watching TV as a single woman,” I invite you to think of something different. I’m going to assume (and perhaps incorrectly) that maybe you’ve been busy all week. If that is accurate, an alternative thought might be, “I get to rest this Saturday night” or “I’ve accomplished a lot, and I deserve a night in.”

Notice these are still the same circumstances. We’re still talking about an individual who is a single woman alone on a Saturday night, but this individual has changed their thoughts and is now feeling a lot better about it and way less likely to drink.

What are some other thoughts that come up for you around other circumstances? Examine them. Are they really problematic for you, or has a source outside of yourself taught you to regard those situations as unsuitable? Instead of freaking out next time you’re triggered, slow down and examine your thoughts a little closer. See what you learn about yourself and what new ideas you can try to practice—wishing you all a peaceful Mother’s Day weekend.

Want to talk more about circumstances that apply directly to you? Schedule a free 1:1 coaching consultation here.

“Dopamine pursues more, not morality; to dopamine, force and fraud are nothing more than tools.” – Daniel Z. Lieberman, MD and Michael E. Long in The Molecule of More.

The Reframe Book Club I facilitate is currently reading The Molecule of More: How a Single Chemical in Your Brain Drives Love, Sex, and Creativity—and Will Determine the Fate of the Human Race, and the third chapter, called Domination, covers dopamine-fueled behaviors at length. 

What is fascinating to read in this chapter is that humans can disconnect from their emotions driven by neurotransmitters that are not dopamine in search of dopamine hits. What is difficult for us as individuals in recovery is when we face the fact that many of the things we did to pursue these dopamine hits left us feeling like awful human beings. 

The science in the text explains that when detached from those emotions that foster connection and relationship building, people are susceptible to doing just about anything to reach their next goal, including lying and other harmful behaviors. That is how potent dopamine is. Dopamine puts people in chokeholds and shrieks, “eff you and your values!”

This might look like:

• Skipping meals so you can “enjoy” your drinks. 
• Lying to your partner about running an errand so you can buy liquor.
• The mom sneaking wine in her to-go cup and driving her kids around. 
• Pouring extra drinks when no one is looking, knowing damn well that if you get caught, you’ll have to awkwardly explain what the hell you were doing.
• Stealing from people’s liquor cabinets.
• Spending time with shady people because they give you easy access to whatever you want to consume. 
• Telling yourself you’re not going to drink, only to find yourself an hour later in line at the store. 
• Anything that you look back on and want to facepalm over, I could go on forever, but I decided to stop here. 

By the way, I’ve done most items on this list. Sharing just in case reading that list made you feel sick. I get it. I’ve been there. I still cringe sometimes and do self-coaching to remind myself that I’m not still there. I also create new thoughts to help me overcome the discomfort.

These new, more helpful thoughts include, My addictive behaviors resulted from my brain responding appropriately to an addictive substance. The second thought is the saying, I know better, so now I can do better. When shame and guilt over your prior poor decision-making come up for you, what are some thought statements you can tell yourself?

For my visual learners, a YouTube video linked here does an excellent job of visualizing how dopamine hijacks the brain. It tricks people with addiction into thinking they need more of their substance of choice when they might need food, a hug, or a nap. This is why I always prompt my clients who are in early recovery to eat well, rest, work on tools to manage their emotions and connect with others. The more thoroughly you meet your actual needs, the better your body and brain will be to manage triggers. 

Be kind to yourself. Eat well, nap, and stay connected. Schedule a free coaching consultation with me for additional support if you need it.

Grow your writing with me! Sign up for my Six-Week Writing for Healing Program starting May 10th! Details here!