Thank you for trusting me with your time and your attention. That has never been something I take lightly.
This chapter of the podcast is closing, but the work and the conversation continues in other ways.
You can find me sharing more day-to-day over on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jessicaduenas24/
And for deeper storytelling and reflection, you’re always welcome to join me on Substack: https://jessicaduenas.substack.com/
In this episode:
I talk about the physical warning signs I ignored while drinking, including my experience with alcoholic liver disease, and the stories I told myself to keep drinking. I share how sobriety forced me to actually listen to my body instead of overriding it with fear, minimization, or control.
Resources:
Watch Jessica’s TEDx Talk – What’s Success Without Self-Worth
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas: Hey everyone, welcome back to Bottomless is Sober. I needed a little break, so it is good to be back here with you all.
Jessica Dueñas: Today, I want to talk about this message that I feel like so many of us grew up with, and the message basically sounds like this, right? If you have enough to be grateful for, you don’t get to be sad.
Jessica Dueñas: Or, maybe on the flip side of it, it might be…
Jessica Dueñas: you’re depressed, what do you have to be depressed for? You have a job, you have a roof over your head, your basic needs are met.
Jessica Dueñas: Right? Something along those lines. And I want to start here, because…
Jessica Dueñas: Again, I feel like this belief is so common, and it’s really harmful, especially if you are someone in recovery. So today, we’re talking about gratitude, pain, and honestly, the lie that says that we can only feel one of them at a time.
Jessica Dueñas: So, where the message began for me…
Jessica Dueñas: I’m a first-generation American. My mother, at one point, she was undocumented, she was from Costa Rica, and my father was from Cuba.
Jessica Dueñas: And I share that not to kind of, like, make it all about where they’re from, but to give you all context as
Jessica Dueñas: to regard to the home that I grew up in, right? So, in my house, pretty much emotions, if they weren’t some sort of an expression of joy, they were pretty much shut down. I’ll never forget, there was this moment in high school where I just kept crying. Like, for some reason, my dad was home.
Jessica Dueñas: and my mom was working, and I couldn’t just get over this heavy sadness that was coming over me. And honestly, it was probably the beginning of me struggling with my mental health.
Jessica Dueñas: But I just didn’t have language for that yet, right? And my dad looked at me, and he was very genuinely concerned. And he was like, que paso, you know, what happened?
Jessica Dueñas: And when I told them that I was just sad.
Jessica Dueñas: he really took it to heart. You know, he, you know, he had responded to me in Spanish, but basically, you know, saying, like, I’ve sacrificed so much for you to have everything I didn’t have in Cuba. You have a house, you have clothes, you do well in school, you’re safe. What more could you want? And…
Jessica Dueñas: at that moment, I learned something very clearly and very quickly, that my range of emotions, they were not meant to be shared.
Jessica Dueñas: And for a long time, especially earlier on in my sobriety, I would blame my parents for a lot of my struggles with drinking. I mean, just listen to old episodes of this podcast, and you will definitely see, some of that perspective and that blame still there, right?
Jessica Dueñas: Today, both of them have transitioned.
Jessica Dueñas: And the more that I reflect, the more that I can also hold compassion for them, right? When I think about where they came from and the context in which they lived, they were coming out of survival mode, right? They were living in places and experiencing circumstances where expressing emotions wasn’t
Jessica Dueñas: wasn’t a luxury they could even access, because that wasn’t what they needed to survive. My father, when he asked for permission to leave from Cuba, from the Cuban government, this was in the late 60s.
Jessica Dueñas: as some sort of a punishment, he would explain to me, he was sent from Havana, being a city boy, right, into Oriente, which is, like, the kind of, like, the countryside in Cuba, to go cut sugar cane without pay for 2 years. And then he was released to go to the U.S.
Jessica Dueñas: What that means to me is that my dad didn’t have the space to be talking about his feelings, because he had to make sure that he was cutting sugar cane and cutting it without cutting himself, right? My mother, on the flip side, was a single mother with several children, and she could barely put food on the table, and had to go from place to place, finding places to stay with her and her kids.
Jessica Dueñas: Right? And then she made the decision to come to the U.S,
Jessica Dueñas: leave my older siblings behind, and again, work really hard to just find any dollar she could to put food on the table back in Costa Rica. She did not have the space to be talking about her emotions.
Jessica Dueñas: the way that I am privileged enough to do so, right? For both of my parents, they did not have time to pause and reflect. There was a lot of work that they had to do, like, literal labor.
Jessica Dueñas: And they had to find safety, they had to maintain that safety, and there was pretty much a never-ending pressure to keep moving. The concept of paid time off.
Jessica Dueñas: non-existent for my parents, right? Just embedded days off, no, a day off meant a day without pay. There was no sick leave for them, right? And so.
Jessica Dueñas: In their context, emotions were definitely a luxury, right?
Jessica Dueñas: And… The flip side of that, though, come to me, come to my generation, is that
Jessica Dueñas: I have to recognize and express my emotions. It’s not a luxury, right? For me, it’s an absolute survival necessity. I have to. If I don’t express my emotions, they’re not going to magically disappear.
Jessica Dueñas: Right? Essentially, for me, unexpressed emotions, they go underground, they’re gonna come out sideways, and they’re gonna find alcohol, or they’re gonna find some other behavior, or some other distraction with which to come out.
Jessica Dueñas: And that was a big cycle that I had to break, and that was a big table that I had to turn, essentially.
Jessica Dueñas: Now, I do want to pause for a second and recognize that gratitude
Jessica Dueñas: It is backed by research, right? And gratitude practices, they do support mental health. And I always teach my clients, my coaching clients, that gratitude is a practice to help maintain sobriety.
Jessica Dueñas: However… When gratitude is used to shut someone down.
Jessica Dueñas: and say, no, no, no, your pain doesn’t matter because you have all of this that you need to be grateful for. When people do that.
Jessica Dueñas: Harm is caused, right?
Jessica Dueñas: Someone is silenced. Someone feels alone, someone feels isolated.
Jessica Dueñas: Gratitude does support healing. Silence doesn’t. And what we need to understand is that gratitude and pain, they can absolutely coexist.
Jessica Dueñas: You’ll always hear me saying, two things can be true at once, and this is definitely one of them. I can say the truth about how I feel, and I can still be grateful.
Jessica Dueñas: It means that I’m being honest, it means that I’m finding ways to stay regulated, and it means that I’m figuring out a way to stay sober.
Jessica Dueñas: So, I’ll leave you with this reflection question, which is…
Jessica Dueñas: Take a minute and think, what emotions did you learn that were not allowed growing up? And how might honoring those emotions today be a part of your healing journey? You don’t have to choose between gratitude and your truth. You’re definitely allowed to hold both spaces.
Jessica Dueñas: And if this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who needs permission to feel what they need to feel.
Jessica Dueñas: And if you’re navigating sobriety, recovery, emotional healing, and you are looking for additional support in the new year, I am opening back up to taking on new clients, so feel free to check out my website, bottomless sober.com.
Jessica Dueñas: And, hopefully I’ll see you. Take care.
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In this episode:
In this episode of Bottomless to Sober, I talk with trauma-informed life coach and author Priscilla María Gutiérrez about breaking generational cycles and healing from trauma in sobriety. We dive into what recovery looks like beyond putting down the bottle—unpacking childhood abuse, eating disorders, and the pressures of the American Dream. We also explore Latina body image, self-worth, and the courage it takes to choose yourself. If you’re a cycle breaker or someone healing from generational trauma, this conversation is for you.
Resources:
Get Priscilla’s Book – Break the Cycle Before It Breaks You
In this episode:
In this episode of Bottomless to Sober, I open up about navigating grief during the holidays while staying committed to my sobriety. After losing my mother earlier this year and experiencing past losses connected to pregnancy, partnership, and family—I share the tools that have helped me stay grounded, present, and alcohol-free.
Resources:
Watch Jessica’s TEDx Talk – What’s Success Without Self-Worth
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas: Hey everyone, welcome back to Bottomless to Sober.
Jessica Dueñas: Today, I want to talk about something that feels especially present.
Jessica Dueñas: Definitely kind of heavy as we start to move through the holidays, and that is navigating grief and sobriety.
Jessica Dueñas: You might be grieving a parent, a partner, a pregnancy, a loved one, or, I don’t know, even an old version of yourself.
Jessica Dueñas: And this season can bring up a lot.
Jessica Dueñas: Sometimes more than what we expect, and to protect our sobriety, to protect our peace.
Jessica Dueñas: it is good to be prepared and equip ourselves with some tools and some strategies. And so, I’ll share a little bit about what this past year has been like for me, and what’s been helping me move through the grief, especially with the recent loss of my mother, and again, hopefully some practices that might help you as well.
Jessica Dueñas: So, I was talking with my sister and thinking about the fact that a year ago.
Jessica Dueñas: My mother, who at that point was 85 years old, she fell and broke her hip.
Jessica Dueñas: I was pregnant, and I remember as soon as I got the news that she had fallen and broken her hip, before anyone could say anything out loud.
Jessica Dueñas: I understood what a broken hip meant for her.
Jessica Dueñas: I knew it meant that my mother was dying.
Jessica Dueñas: And my body, I think, really knew it, too.
Jessica Dueñas: And so at every OB appointment, my blood pressure was just starting to creep up. And the doctors would talk to me about monitoring for preeclampsia, and I remember thinking, doesn’t it count that my mother is dying? Isn’t… isn’t that what you’re seeing in the numbers?
Jessica Dueñas: But it didn’t matter, right? At the end of the day, my blood pressure was going up, and…
Jessica Dueñas: Yes, my daughter was delivered safely on December 21st, but… I knew.
Jessica Dueñas: And not long after that, on January 25th, my mother did, in fact, pass away.
Jessica Dueñas: And here’s the thing.
Jessica Dueñas: Grief has been woven through my entire sobriety journey.
Jessica Dueñas: I entered sobriety after losing a partner directly to his own addiction.
Jessica Dueñas: My father had passed away in 2018, right before I won the Teacher of the Year award.
Jessica Dueñas: before I carried Amara, I had experienced the pregnancy loss.
Jessica Dueñas: And then… came my mother.
Jessica Dueñas: And for a long time, before getting sober, I really believed that grief was the one emotion on this planet that was just unbearable. Too heavy, too much.
Jessica Dueñas: Something that would break me if I let myself feel it.
Jessica Dueñas: And so I used to drink to outrun it, to… to try to soften it, to distract myself from it.
Jessica Dueñas: But sobriety taught me otherwise.
Jessica Dueñas: Sobriety taught me that.
Jessica Dueñas: grief… is heavy.
Jessica Dueñas: But it’s many other things, too.
Jessica Dueñas: yes, it can be a testament to the love that there was, and a lot of times, the people that we lose are also very complex, right? And we have these complex relationships with them. So grief is also…
Jessica Dueñas: The good memories, the hard memories, the things that are familiar, Joy, tenderness.
Jessica Dueñas: Complicated moments. Charged interactions.
Jessica Dueñas: And ultimately, it’s the entire history that existed between the two of you.
Jessica Dueñas: But it’s also the loss of any future memories, right? Of any future interactions. I remember…
Jessica Dueñas: clearly envisioning how I thought my mother meeting Amara would go.
Jessica Dueñas: In that moment that my mother broke her hip.
Jessica Dueñas: I remember placing my hand on my belly.
Jessica Dueñas: Just knowing that that interaction was gone.
Jessica Dueñas: Right.
Jessica Dueñas: And so…
Jessica Dueñas: grief really just carries this weight of how much you cared about this connection with all its flaws, with all its beauty, and…
Jessica Dueñas: Now there’s just this empty space.
Jessica Dueñas: One strategy that has helped me sit with grief, especially when it hits me hard, is pairing it with gratitude.
Jessica Dueñas: And you might be listening to me and thinking, what the hell, Jess? What do you mean, gratitude and grief? So, hear me out. When a wave of…
Jessica Dueñas: of, like, grief hits me, I look for moments of love in my memories, moments of connection, or moments of joy.
Jessica Dueñas: Why? Because it helps to balance the pain, right? And that pain is a reminder of what mattered, but the joy, the grief, and the connection can make me grateful for the fact that I got to experience it in the first place.
Jessica Dueñas: Yes, it can be incredibly hurtful to think about these difficult moments, but the pain is also a reminder that this love was very real. And when we’re able to
Jessica Dueñas: Find a moment of joy, find a moment of celebration, find a moment of gratitude for the fact that this person crossed the planet and was a part of our lives.
Jessica Dueñas: That can help soften that ache.
Jessica Dueñas: So, one of the memories that’s been helping me this season is,
Jessica Dueñas: this memory of my mom. Years ago. I mean, this was so long ago, I was married in my 20s, just for context, right? And I’m now 40. I’ll be 41 in February, so it’s been a long time. But years ago, I had a car wreck, and I needed a car.
Jessica Dueñas: And my ex did not want me to buy a new car with our joint funds. And when I say a new car, you know, a new-to-us kind of car. Just… I was not supposed to have another car because I had had this accident.
Jessica Dueñas: And I remember I was… Feeling really stuck, really powerless, honestly also very pissed off.
Jessica Dueñas: And I had called my mother crying about it, and…
Jessica Dueñas: I didn’t even ask her for help, I just happened to call her and was crying and frustrated. And without me asking, she immediately just said, right? Like, I’ll send you some money so you can get yourself a car.
Jessica Dueñas: In that one sentence, without me even asking for the support, She gave it to me.
Jessica Dueñas: more than what I was expecting. And she also empowered me to have a little independence, right? A little bit of wiggle room when someone else was telling me that, no, I couldn’t do this. She said, yes, you can, here you go.
Jessica Dueñas: There were no questions on her part, there was no judgment.
Jessica Dueñas: And for her, she was not mushy, so this was her act of love. This was her act of empowerment to protect her child.
Jessica Dueñas: And when I told this memory recently, I was telling my partner this, you know, my sister was there, and she jumped in, you know, to say that, that was mommy, that no matter how grown we were.
Jessica Dueñas: Our mother always had our backs. And sitting with that memory explains why the grief does feel so heavy this year, because regardless of our history, the love between my mother and I was incredibly deep, and
Jessica Dueñas: she had my back until she cognitively couldn’t. And her generosity?
Jessica Dueñas: was constant. If she had the shirt on her back and you needed a shirt, she would take it off and pass it on to you. And when I remember that, and when I remember her in that way, that is one of my biggest sources of comfort in this time of the holiday season without a mother.
Jessica Dueñas: So, if you’re navigating grief right now.
Jessica Dueñas: Here are a few practices that have been helping me, in addition to what I just mentioned.
Jessica Dueñas: So, like I said, number one, pair the pain with gratitude. I just gave you an example. When your grief rises, look for the memory that is underneath that, and let that love explain why this is so heavy.
Jessica Dueñas: Number two, Let multiple emotions exist at once.
Jessica Dueñas: Give yourself permission to laugh and grieve in the same breath.
Jessica Dueñas: you are human, you are not one-dimensional. You can absolutely enjoy a present moment and still miss someone. So if someone comes at you trying to say that you’re grieving the wrong way, or that you don’t look like you’re grieving, please ignore whatever they are saying, and remember that
Jessica Dueñas: There is no right way to do this. You’re existing, therefore you’re doing it right.
Jessica Dueñas: Number 3, notice the traits of your loved ones that still live on in you.
Jessica Dueñas: I love thinking about this. I remember one time in a staff meeting, I said that my guilty pleasure is noticing the parts of me that remind me of my mom, especially when I am with my sister, Sophia, because mommy had a sharp tongue.
Jessica Dueñas: And she… she did not hold back. And I definitely inherited that sharpness of the tongue. However, I’m sober, I’m in recovery, I gotta practice that pause, right? But sometimes what I will do after I practice the pause and, you know.
Jessica Dueñas: held my breath. I will run to my sister, and I will say to her, let me tell you what I would have said in this situation. And then the two of us have a good old laugh.
Jessica Dueñas: And in those moments.
Jessica Dueñas: my mother feels close. She feels like she’s here because I feel like I’m carrying her on with me. Just, you know, in a careful manner.
Jessica Dueñas: But number four, allow grief to change over time.
Jessica Dueñas: The first holiday without someone is hard.
Jessica Dueñas: The second one might be different. It might still be hard. We don’t know. Your grief might get softer, your grief might get heavier, your grief might surprise you. Let it do whatever it’s going to do without judgment. Just get curious, just observe, and roll with it.
Jessica Dueñas: And as I moved through this first holiday season without my mom.
Jessica Dueñas: you know, I was just joking earlier about kind of inheriting her tongue, right? But I do keep an eye out for the things that she passed down to me, the ones that I’m very grateful to have and to carry forward.
Jessica Dueñas: Number one, my mom was a very generous person. If she had it, she shared it. And I… I’ve come to realize that
Jessica Dueñas: that’s in me, too. Sometimes I’m not going to be the mushiest person. I am mushier than my mom, though, but I definitely have a streak of sharing when I feel…
Jessica Dueñas: Grateful and connected to others.
Jessica Dueñas: My mom was brilliant with numbers. She could budget, save, and plan with ease, and do a lot with a little. And now that I’m a mom, now that I’m a business owner, I’m starting to feel those instincts in me, right? The math…
Jessica Dueñas: I enjoy doing a budget, which sounds really weird, but I really… I love budgeting, and I think that that comes from her.
Jessica Dueñas: And then my mom’s loyalty.
Jessica Dueñas: She keeps a small circle, or she kept a small circle.
Jessica Dueñas: And there was a lot of love in that small circle, and that’s… that’s me. I thrive in small circles, I don’t have large friend groups, and…
Jessica Dueñas: I’m good with that.
Jessica Dueñas: So, with that said, if you feel ready, or even curious.
Jessica Dueñas: I want to invite you to reflect on a few questions about a loved one.
Jessica Dueñas: what were some qualities that your loved one brought into the world, right? How are they a gift to others?
Jessica Dueñas: Which of those qualities are you still carrying, or can you nurture?
Jessica Dueñas: And how does it feel when you notice that quality rise up in you?
Jessica Dueñas: I’m not going to lie, these questions are not going to get rid of the pain, but…
Jessica Dueñas: they can help you reframe everything, right? And sometimes that’s the most tender thing that we can offer ourselves, is a reframe.
Jessica Dueñas: So, if you’re carrying grief this season, you all, thank you again for listening. If you’re carrying this grief in sobriety.
Jessica Dueñas: I want you to know you’re not alone.
Jessica Dueñas: Your grief does not make you weak.
Jessica Dueñas: It means that you love deeply. It means that you’re human.
Jessica Dueñas: And it means that you’re… you’re on a healing journey.
Jessica Dueñas: So, thanks for being here with me. If the episode resonated, feel free to share it with someone who might need it. Until next time, thanks.
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Link to Spotify
In this episode:
In this episode of Bottomless to Sober, I’m talking about how to say no to alcohol during the holidays and protect your boundaries when others don’t respect them. In my near five years sober, I’ve been to countless parties, family gatherings, and work events where alcohol was front and center—and I know how uncomfortable it can feel when people question your choices or push you to drink. I’ll share how I navigate those moments with confidence and self-respect, without needing to overexplain or defend my sobriety. Whether you’re new to recovery, sober curious, or simply choosing an alcohol-free lifestyle, this episode will help you protect your peace and enjoy the holidays on your own terms.
Resources:
Watch Jessica’s TEDx Talk – What’s Success Without Self-Worth
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas: Hey everyone, welcome back to Bottomless to Sober. For today’s episode, I want to discuss the idea of how to say no to alcohol during the holidays, and in addition to that, how to hold the boundary when people don’t listen.
Jessica Dueñas: Because here’s the thing. As holidays roll in, what are you going to start getting? A ton of invitations, right? Potentially. Sometimes it’s from workplaces, sometimes it’s from friends, sometimes it’s from family. And what often comes up with these invitations, once you’re physically in these spaces.
Jessica Dueñas: is that classic question, can I get you a drink?
Jessica Dueñas: And here’s the other thing.
Jessica Dueñas: I’m an open book about my addiction and recovery.
Jessica Dueñas: At the same time, I also recognize that, number one, not everyone wants to
Jessica Dueñas: tell their story, and number two, not everyone needs to share their story, right? Like, that is totally fine. Whatever your reasons are for not drinking, they’re valid, and they are yours to hold, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Jessica Dueñas: But with that said, it can be really helpful to have a few phrases ready, especially if you’re not in a space to dive into your life story every time someone offers you a drink.
Jessica Dueñas: So, here are a few ways to decline a drink this season.
Jessica Dueñas: Number one, I’m not drinking tonight.
Jessica Dueñas: No, as you’ve probably heard a bunch of times, it’s a complete sentence. It’s a good enough response.
Jessica Dueñas: And I know you’ve heard that before, but if you’re listening to this, chances are that you might still also be looking for what else to say, so keep listening.
Jessica Dueñas: Number two, I noticed even one drink really messes with my sleep.
Jessica Dueñas: And listen, at this point in our lives, no one’s arguing with better sleep, okay?
Jessica Dueñas: Number 3.
Jessica Dueñas: I started a new medication and can’t drink with it. This one’s a great one, except you just be warned that sometimes someone might still be nosy and ask, oh, what is your medication for? So really only use this one if you’re comfortable.
Jessica Dueñas: Number 4?
Jessica Dueñas: Even one drink gives me a headache lately. And here’s the thing, you’ll probably get a few, you know, responses saying, same here with that one. The older people get as time passes.
Jessica Dueñas: our bodies are not meant to be digesting alcohol, and so we do start to get bigger side effects as time passes. So you’ll probably have folks say, yeah, I get really bad headaches too. Another example, alcohol just hasn’t felt good lately, so I’m taking 30 days off to see how I feel.
Jessica Dueñas: What I like about this is that it’s low pressure, but it still communicates intentionality.
Jessica Dueñas: And then in the last two that I have, I’m driving tonight.
Jessica Dueñas: That one is very simple. That one’s practical, and I mean, that one’s really questioned. If someone is trying to get you to drink, knowing that you have to drive.
Jessica Dueñas: you kind of have to give that person a side-eye at this point, because it takes very little alcohol to be over the legal limit or close to it. It, you know, drinking and driving is never, ever safe.
Jessica Dueñas: And then lastly, I’m focusing on my health right now. This keeps it grounded, it keeps it general.
Jessica Dueñas: What I will say, though, to be honest, and my experience, is that most of the time, people don’t actually care what we are drinking.
Jessica Dueñas: But, every now and then, our decision not to drink can definitely activate something in others. Sometimes it activates curiosity, sometimes it activates some defensiveness, or even pressure.
Jessica Dueñas: And what I want you to recognize is that if someone does care so much about your drinking or not drinking, that they’re pushy or they’re dismissive, that often says.
Jessica Dueñas: relationship with alcohol.
Jessica Dueñas: Than yours with not drinking.
Jessica Dueñas: Now, please don’t go to the next person and say, oh.
Jessica Dueñas: Is my decision to get sober impacting you? Please don’t. But what I am saying is that there might be something there, right? And we never know what other people are going through. And that’s the thing. Sometimes our choice to abstain holds up a mirror that others are not ready to look into. And guess what? That is not yours to manage. That is their issue. You don’t own other people’s responses.
Jessica Dueñas: To your decision not to drink.
Jessica Dueñas: So, that’s honestly why it helps to know what you want to say before you’re in the moment.
Jessica Dueñas: Grab a mirror, practice a few of these out loud so that they can feel natural rolling off your tongue, and decide which one is best for you. You might be surprised at how empowered you feel when you protect your piece with some confidence.
Jessica Dueñas: Now, let’s talk about what happens when someone does not take your no seriously.
Jessica Dueñas: This is the opportunity that you get to actually practice holding a boundary.
Jessica Dueñas: When we talk about boundaries, I… it’s super important to remember that boundaries are not about controlling other people.
Jessica Dueñas: We cannot make anyone else do anything. But what you can do is take action when someone crosses the line. And essentially, that is what a boundary is. You have a limit if someone… you communicate what the limit is. When that limit is passed or crossed by another individual.
Jessica Dueñas: What do you do to protect that limit? That is what setting and holding a boundary looks like.
Jessica Dueñas: Melissa Urban, who is the author of the Book of Boundaries, she uses something called a stoplight model, which I love because it’s a very simple and effective way to think about escalating boundary actions to protect your boundary. So, let’s break it down.
Jessica Dueñas: When we talk about the stoplight model, right, think about the green light, it’s level one. It’s a gentle reminder to someone else that, hey, I said this was my limit, and just a friendly reminder, this is my limit. So this might sound like, hey, I said I’m not drinking tonight. I’d love for you to respect that.
Jessica Dueñas: Right? Low level, nothing escalating here. It’s light, it’s calm, it gives the other person a chance to course correct and honor your limit.
Jessica Dueñas: But let’s say they’re a little hard-headed, so they continue, and now we move up to a yellow light, so we’re at level 2.
Jessica Dueñas: Here, you’re giving a clear warning.
Jessica Dueñas: paired with the consequence of what you are prepared to do. You’re basically letting them know what will happen. So, here, it might sound like…
Jessica Dueñas: If you offer me a drink again, I’m going to have to step away from this conversation.
Jessica Dueñas: Again, you’re making it clear what you are prepared to do if they don’t respect your boundary.
Jessica Dueñas: You’re not telling that other person, I need you to stop drinking, right?
Jessica Dueñas: Level 3…
Jessica Dueñas: here we are at the red light. The person still is insisting that you need to have this drink for whatever reason. And so, this is your opportunity to take action, this is where you follow through, hold your boundary, and pass on the message to others that you are protecting yourself. So at this point.
Jessica Dueñas: if this individual were to keep pushing, you have to take the action you already mentioned. So, in this conversation, it would look like the person going ahead and walking away, I’ll talk… since you’re going to continue offering me alcohol, I’ll talk to you later, right? Something like that.
Jessica Dueñas: So maybe it is leaving the conversation. Maybe it is moving to another part of the room. Maybe it is heading home early.
Jessica Dueñas: The… the key here is…
Jessica Dueñas: integrity, right? Or I wouldn’t even say integrity, I feel like that’s not a good word choice, but the key is that your actions have to match with what you say. So, only name consequences
Jessica Dueñas: That you are genuinely willing to follow through on, because what happens is, if you are consistent in that you do what you say you’re going to do, that’s going to build self-trust for yourself.
Jessica Dueñas: But it’s also going to show other people that when you say, this is my limit, you genuinely mean it. And I guess that’s where I would say the integrity piece comes in, that people will start to see that you say what you mean, and you mean what you say.
Jessica Dueñas: Because here it is.
Jessica Dueñas: Boundaries, they are about protecting your peace. You’re not trying to punish other people, you’re not trying to tell them what to do, but what your boundaries do is that they remind you and the people around you that your no does have legitimate weight.
Jessica Dueñas: And that your well-being matters more than anyone’s temporary discomfort.
Jessica Dueñas: So… Let’s imagine this.
Jessica Dueñas: You are at your office holiday party.
Jessica Dueñas: And a coworker insists.
Jessica Dueñas: Come on, just one drink, it’s the holidays.
Jessica Dueñas: And so you smile, and your level 1 response is, thanks, I’m good with my soda tonight. Right? Again, that’s light, calm, setting the limit, and letting the other person know that you are not engaging with alcohol.
Jessica Dueñas: Now, this coworker turns around and says, ugh, seriously? Don’t be so boring.
Jessica Dueñas: So now, it’s time for your level 2, write the yellow light. I’ve already said no. If you keep asking, I’m gonna step outside for a bit.
Jessica Dueñas: And, if this coworker still doesn’t stop.
Jessica Dueñas: You take that level 3 action. You grab your jacket, you go outside, you take a deep breath, you remind yourself, this is what protecting your piece looks like, maybe this is when you text a friend for accountability or for support, and also, let this be a reminder that you don’t need to stay at the dang party.
Jessica Dueñas: Right? You can go. You can absolutely go.
Jessica Dueñas: So with that, I want to close out with some reflection questions.
Jessica Dueñas: For you to think about and journal with for yourself.
Jessica Dueñas: So number one, when have you felt pressured to explain a personal decision that you didn’t owe anyone?
Jessica Dueñas: Number two, how do you want to feel when you say no to something that is not helpful for you?
Jessica Dueñas: Number three, what are your stoplight level boundaries, right? What are your level 1, your level 2, and your level 3 actions when someone pushes your boundaries this holiday season?
Jessica Dueñas: And most importantly, What does protecting your peace look like for you?
Jessica Dueñas: And I want to remind you…
Jessica Dueñas: that, for this holiday season, saying no to alcohol, I promise you, you are not depriving yourselves. This is about your liberation. You are choosing clarity, you are choosing peace, you are choosing alignment, you are choosing better health.
Jessica Dueñas: And that is a gift that’s gonna go well beyond this holiday season.
Jessica Dueñas: And if this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who might need a little support navigating this season alcohol-free. And as always, thank you for hanging out with me, and I will catch you on the next episode.
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In this episode:
In this deeply moving episode of Bottomless to Sober, I sit down with Navy veteran, men’s coach, and fellow TEDx speaker Alex Lange, a man in recovery who opens up about losing his 18-month-old son, Liam, and how grief reshaped his life. Alex shares his process for healing and how he transformed unimaginable pain into purpose. We also talk about breaking the stigma around death, redefining masculinity through vulnerability, and what it truly means to live fully in the present moment.
Resources:
Watch Alex’s TEDx Talk – Transforming Pain Into Purpose
Jessica’s Links:
Watch Jessica’s TEDx Talk – What’s Success Without Self-Worth
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas: Hey everyone, welcome back to Bottomless to Sober. Appreciate all of you joining.
Jessica Dueñas: Before we start.
Jessica Dueñas: Just a heads up that today’s conversation does come with a heavy content warning, so if this is not the episode for you, I completely understand. But we will be talking about the death of a child, so if you do choose to continue to listen, please take good care of yourself and listen in a way that feels safe for you.
Jessica Dueñas: With that said, I am very honored and excited to be joined by Alex Lang. He is a Navy veteran, a men’s coach, and a speaker. We crossed paths just recently because we were both fellow TEDx speakers, and honestly, you all, his talk on turning pain into purpose, I mean, it left an impression on the audience, but it also really left an impression on me, and so I really want
Jessica Dueñas: wanted to give him some space to share a little bit about himself and his work, in case any of you need to listen to this message today. He and his wife lost their son, Liam.
Jessica Dueñas: at just 18 months to… it was a rare, undetected heart defect that Leanne was born with, and Alex shares his story, honestly, to help others find meaning, connection, and healing in the midst of grief. And a lot of people, struggle with that, and so I’m just so…
Jessica Dueñas: I’m honored to have Alex here and kind of continue that conversation. So, Alex, thanks for joining. Hello, hello.
Alex Lange: Thank you, thank you, thank you. I just want to say first, before I get into this, I told you at the TEDx event that I wholeheartedly do believe that people are put in our life as mirrors.
Alex Lange: And it’s an honor to be on this podcast, because it does hold a place for me, not just personally, within my own recovery and how I was numbing my own pain, but growing up in a broken home with my mother, who was a drug addict, and she passed away from drugs, and then my dad being an alcoholic, so…
Alex Lange: it was… it was a big, integral part of my life, and then just hearing your own story, and how you’ve overcome it, and how you’ve shared, and then you’ve just been welcomed through your sharing, that is healing in itself. So, listening to your talk, I told my… I told my wife, I told my sisters who were there, I was like, hey, this is the talk you need to be at, because she can rel… you know, she shows everything, what we’ve been going through, and just talking about it, so thank you.
Jessica Dueñas: Oh, no, thank you, Alex. And so, for my listeners who may be new to you, can you tell us a little bit about who you are, and share a little bit about your story and Liam’s story?
Alex Lange: Absolutely. So I’m a father, father of five, husband, 13 and a half year Navy veteran, as Jessica said. I live in the Dominican Republic. I am a writer, speaker, podcaster, men’s coach, post-military. And, I just, real quick, as I shined in my childhood.
Alex Lange: I grew up in a broken home, my mother was a drug addict, my father was an alcoholic, and so for me.
Alex Lange: Chaos was what I knew.
Alex Lange: And I am a firm believer as people that we learn… we’re conditioned at a young age from the people that raise us, from those relationships that we’re around, and I learned how to cope effectively a lot with a lot of the challenges that I had in my life. My dad wasn’t there, he was providing, he was a financial provider, but he wasn’t there emotionally, physically, and mentally. And my wife, or excuse me, my wife, my mother was, she was a drug addict, and so…
Alex Lange: we did more parenting to her than she did to us, and I… that’s my whole life, that’s all I knew with regards to my mother as a drug addict.
Alex Lange: That kind of sets the story, because for my whole life, up until Liam, as we talked about, my… I coped through all of the pain that I had in my life.
Alex Lange: And we’ll talk about 2021, which was the breaking point for me and the future here, but Liam…
Alex Lange: being able to sit with it. In February of this year, we were in Cyprus. We were a full-time traveling family. Seven of us traveled around the world, we sold everything, we were traveling Europe, went to Africa, and made our way to Cyprus, which is a small island across from Israel.
Alex Lange: And, we were there for a month, and the last day before we were leaving to go to Turkey, we were packing.
Alex Lange: And my sons, I have 5 kids, as I mentioned, my two oldest sons were playing with their little brother, and they were pushing him on an empty suitcase.
Alex Lange: And they were, they were pushing them around, and there was a doormat.
Alex Lange: And the suitcase got caught up on the doormat, and Liam fell, and he busted his lip. Really bad cut, it went through… it went through his, lip, and you could see it on his chin. And so, my… we took him to my wife, because he was still breastfeeding primarily, and…
Alex Lange: he wasn’t… he wasn’t breastfeeding. And so we… we were like, okay, let’s just give him a little bit of time, we’ll give him some water, do some other, you know, give him some other forms of food to try to see if he’ll… he’ll eat, but he was refusing everything. But he was calm the whole day.
Alex Lange: And so, for 14 and a half hours, he refused to eat consistently, consistently. That night, for the first time in his life, he went to bed without
Alex Lange: a boob, you know, he was breastfeeding, so he went to bed by himself, and we were like, wow, that’s so crazy. Like, that’s interesting.
Alex Lange: You know, we were aware that dehydration is a thing, so we were like, hey, we need to try to get him to eat, especially that we’re traveling the next day.
Alex Lange: And so it was about 11 p.m. at night, and my wife says, because he started crying because he wasn’t eating, my wife said, hey, go to the other room with the boys, and get some sleep, because we have a long travel day. I’ll stay up with him, and I’ll try to get him to eat and take care of him.
Alex Lange: So, I do that, and I just feel like something’s off. I wish I could tell you… I wish I could tell you really what it was, but I knew something internally was off. I started to research.
Alex Lange: dehydration in kids in the other room. I was on ChatGPT, I was looking up to see how I could help if I needed to, and I ended up falling asleep, and at around 4 AM, my wife just
Alex Lange: busts into the room, and she starts freaking out, and my wife is very calm. If you were to see our relationship, she’s the very calm, level-headed, in the sense of, like, when the kids get hurt, me, I’m like, oh, what’s going on? Let me try to fix, fix, fix, fix.
Alex Lange: She comes in, she’s like, Alex, wake up, wake up. Liam, he’s seizing, he’s seizing, he’s fainting, we need to take him to the ER, I think he’s dehydrated. And so I, without hesitation, because I had already thought about it, I got into the car, we all packed into the car, I woke up our nanny, and said, hey, I have to take my kids, or I have to take Liam, can you please stay and watch the kids? We were in Cyprus, we had a traveling nanny with us.
Alex Lange: get in the car, I don’t even know where the hospital is, I find a police officer on the side of the street, I pull in, they’re asleep, so I bang on their window. I’m like, hey, where’s the nearest emergency room? My son needs to be in the ER right now, like.
Alex Lange: where do we need to go? And they told me 20 minutes that way. So they gave me the name, I typed it in, and it took us about 15 minutes. I was speeding, I was frantic. We get to the ER, and they’re not… they don’t really speak English, they’re speaking Greek.
Alex Lange: There is some broken English that they’re speaking, but long story short, they start doing tests, and I’m telling them, my wife and I are telling them, hey, he hasn’t eaten in 14 hours, he’s probably dehydrated.
Alex Lange: Can you put an IV in? So they’re starting to try to put IVs in, and the woman says, what’s going on with his skin? His skin is a different color. And we’re like, well, when he’s cold, his skin turns a little bluish.
Alex Lange: And and they were like, but feel him, he’s not cold.
Alex Lange: And so we felt him, and he was… he was warm. And that was… that was like, oh, wow, this is something different. Now they started to worry about that, so they took him back to do scans.
Alex Lange: And they said, they came back, and everybody’s frantic at this point. Like, the nurses, the doctors, everybody’s frantic. And they’re like, he’s critical, we have to get him to a hospital, we don’t have the capabilities to take care of him here.
Alex Lange: So I’m… I’m watching them because they start doing an EKG. I… myself, having some medical conditions, I… I was very familiar with the EKG, so I looked, and the EKG had all this crazy terminology that I’ve never seen before on an EKG, and I was like, oh, shh…
Alex Lange: snap, something’s wrong. And…
Alex Lange: they say, hey, he has an enlarged heart, we have to take him to a different hospital. So I have to go run back, I call this… the Airbnb.
Alex Lange: and the people, and said, hey, I couldn’t clean it the way that I wanted to. It’s not dirty, we didn’t leave the place messy, but I just want to let you know my son’s going to the critical care in this town 2 hours away.
Alex Lange: I can’t… I gotta go now. So, I cancel the Airbnb in Cyprus, I cancel our flights, we’re… I pack up all my kids in a car with all the suitcases, our nanny, and I’m…
Alex Lange: Driving behind, behind my wife and my son.
Alex Lange: And my wife, she’s texting me, my son’s… my kids in the car are screaming because I had told them, hey, something’s going on with Liam, it’s very serious, and knowing them, I had… I wanted to make sure that I re… like, I made sure that they were okay with the fact, like, hey, you didn’t hurt your brother, you saved his life.
Alex Lange: You know, they found, they caught something in these scans, you didn’t hurt your brother, you saved his life, because they were worried, like, oh, we heard him, what’s next?
Alex Lange: We get to the hospital, and the doctors tell my wife, go fill out paperwork.
Alex Lange: And, we’ll take… we have to take Liam.
Alex Lange: my wife goes and fills out paperwork, and Liam is… they sedate Liam without asking us anything like that. We come back, I arrive, Liam’s ventilator, he’s all hooked up, and they say that he has a…
Alex Lange: A serious heart condition that, he only was born… he was born with 3 chambers in his heart, but 2 were only functioning.
Alex Lange: He had two left atriums, so he didn’t have a main aorta that was going to his lungs. So his, his, basically, internally, his body had made a way to function, but his heart, if he wanted to live, it was going to be a long process.
Alex Lange: But it was gonna take, like, 3 years after surgeries, after surgeries after surgeries, and the woman, after doing more tests, they were like, there’s nothing that we can do.
Alex Lange: But we’re gonna trans… we’re gonna transport them to Israel, so they… they had gotten an air medevac.
Alex Lange: And they said, we’re gonna transform, and we’re gonna try to do an open-heart surgery. We’re gonna try to put a stent in his heart to his lungs to see if we can kickstart the growth in his lungs. But that doesn’t promise anything. That’s gonna have to be a year long, where we see if it holds, and then we can replace his heart. He’s gonna need a whole new heart.
Alex Lange: And, 18… er, excuse me, 16 hours after he was sedated, he, he passed away. We were walking…
Alex Lange: We were driving in.
Alex Lange: I was dropping my wife off, because she was going to be on the airplane. The medevac was here, they were coming to get him, he was about to leave, and my wife calls me as she gets into the room, and she says, Alex Liam’s in cardiac arrest. I parked my car in the middle of the street.
Alex Lange: I don’t care what’s around, and I sprint as hard as I can.
Alex Lange: And I walk into… a man doing CPR,
Alex Lange: my wife, who I see, she’s so strong, she’s never really been someone to lose it, She’s…
Alex Lange: Screaming and crying on the floor.
Alex Lange: And I’m just… I’m trying to process it all, you know, and…
Alex Lange: after 10 and a half minutes, I know I went long here, but after 10 and a half minutes, the cardiologist pulls me aside, and she says, look, she takes a Doppler monitor from an ultrasound, and she says his heart’s not beating.
Alex Lange: It’s…
Alex Lange: protocol, we have to… the parents have to call it. They have to tell them to stop. Do you want us to stop?
Alex Lange: And I remember… I remember looking at my wife, Looking at the man.
Alex Lange: And… it’s like, what you see in a movie, you’re like, this is never gonna happen to me.
Alex Lange: Yeah. And, I said yes, and that, you know, we’re here…
Alex Lange: And without, you know, one less kid. 18 months old.
Jessica Dueñas: Oh my gosh.
Jessica Dueñas: Alex… Ugh, that is so heavy, and I’m…
Jessica Dueñas: I am so sorry that that is what your family went through.
Jessica Dueñas: And I remember, you know, hearing the short inversion when you did this for TEDx, and I looked over at the audience, and…
Jessica Dueñas: We were all just… Breaking for you.
Jessica Dueñas: that… I can’t imagine it, and… the…
Jessica Dueñas: The fact that you have since… Turned around, and…
Jessica Dueñas: found purpose in this, and meaning in this, is…
Jessica Dueñas: I mean, it brings awe to me, honestly. I was looking at some of, like, your work online that you shared, and one of the things that really struck me
Jessica Dueñas: is you talk about this idea of pain having two sides, right? And there’s either one that can keep you stuck.
Jessica Dueñas: Or one that guides you to a deeper version of yourself. And…
Jessica Dueñas: I… if anybody went through what you went through and stayed stuck, I wouldn’t blame them, and I wouldn’t fault them, because I feel like, wow, what an incredibly human response, right, to… to be…
Jessica Dueñas: Just broken by this and stay… stay down and stay broken.
Jessica Dueñas: So, how did you move into the…
Jessica Dueñas: the deeper version of yourself. How did that happen after such a devastating moment?
Alex Lange: I first want to say every healing journey is different for anybody that’s listening. My… how I’m able to move through this challenging time in my life.
Alex Lange: doesn’t mean that you… that you need to move at the pace that I am, right? You have to move at a pace that works for you, what fits, but I think the framework that I’ll introduce at the end, it’s important to go through those frameworks to then be able to do it on your own time, right? There’s choice. I… I think I…
Alex Lange: I sat with my wife a couple days after, and I said, you know, our daughter… I have a… my oldest daughter, she’s 7 now, but when she was 2 and a half.
Alex Lange: She was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She was having over 10 seizures a day. She had a lot of autistic tendencies, and…
Alex Lange: My life in 2021 was very challenging. I mentioned at the very beginning that I had coped and ran from every challenging moment in my life.
Alex Lange: And I ran through alcohol. I ran through working, overworking. I ran through porn. I watched a lot of porn for a long time. And I’m sitting here in a humble place of telling you, because something that you said, Jessica, that I want a lot of people to realize is that
Alex Lange: Part of our healing journey Is sharing our story.
Alex Lange: And in sharing our stories, it doesn’t just help other people, it helps us through that process. And so in 2021, when my daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor.
Alex Lange: you know, I kept asking, why me? I was stuck in this victim mindset of, like, why did I have to get
Alex Lange: you know, why did someone have to do this to me? And then a few months later.
Alex Lange: I have… I was diagnosed with 5 brain tumors.
Alex Lange: And then I’m sitting here, like, why? Like, why am I getting hit with this?
Alex Lange: And then my wife, you know, because I had coped and ran from everything in my life.
Alex Lange: my relationship wasn’t good. You know, externally.
Alex Lange: In the Navy, I was a hard charger, what they call a hard charger. I made Chief Petty Officer, which is a high senior enlisted rank, in 7 years. I was very successful at my job, but my identity outside of the uniform, I had no clue.
Alex Lange: I’d get home, and I’d scroll, I’d watch porn, I’d drink, I would busy myself staying away from
Alex Lange: what was really going on. So my wife asked for a divorce. She had an abortion that we had, it was a 12-week-old baby boy. When she passed the baby. You could see that it was a boy. And so it was like, I went through a lot of these things.
Alex Lange: And that was my wake-up point, is I had to ask myself, at what point do I stop running?
Alex Lange: And I just stay with it.
Alex Lange: I don’t need to do anything, I don’t need to distract myself, I just need to stay with it.
Alex Lange: And so I started to just…
Alex Lange: sit in the pain. I stopped drinking because of the medical… the brain tumors. I realized that my relationship with my wife was broken because of my porn usage, like, the intimacy is affected, like, how you relate in the world to people is affected.
Alex Lange: I realized that I had a lot of childhood trauma, and still do. Like, I want to make sure people understand that a healing journey is a lifelong journey, especially anybody that has been an addict knows that it is a lifelong
Alex Lange: journey. Every day is a new day. And so, for me, I had to… I had to wake up and accept these things.
Alex Lange: So I sat with it.
Alex Lange: And… within sitting with it, I realized that there was some wisdom in the emotions. New thoughts were coming up.
Alex Lange: And with those thoughts, emotions were coming up. I started to really feel and lean into these emotions.
Alex Lange: And then I surrounded myself with men that were doing the work.
Alex Lange: And that’s very important within the healing journey, and I’m sure you could speak on this too, is when you surround yourself with people, like-minded people that are taking steps in that process, it helps so much.
Alex Lange: And so I started to see that other men were going through the same things that I was going through. And where I was isolating myself and thinking that I was the only one that was having the problem, there were other people that were going through the same thing, and hearing their stories, and hearing their perspectives.
Alex Lange: I was going back to my wife and being a totally different person because I could see how people were showing up in the world and what they were struggling with that were just like me.
Alex Lange: And so through that process, when Liam came, I had already built this foundation. I didn’t have a name for it. I didn’t have a name for this framework. I just knew that, hey, Liam died.
Alex Lange: And I needed to be… I needed to allow this to stay with me.
Alex Lange: I can’t numb it through scrolling, or working, or anything that I’ve done in the past.
Alex Lange: I gotta stay with it.
Alex Lange: And I cultivated that environment for my kids as well. I think that’s what helped me, because we were traveling, and so it was just our family.
Alex Lange: I didn’t have any external distractions, I didn’t have going to be a football coach, or a basketball coach, or the Navy, or things that were pulling me away, because I had committed that year, you know, that time frame to being fully leaned in, full-time dad, full-time partner, you know.
Alex Lange: For me, when I got kicked out of the military, I got a pension.
Alex Lange: for all the medical things that I was going through. And so that was what was our… that’s our passive income. So we just decided to reallocate our budget. Instead of having a mortgage, and a car payment, and all these other things, we decided, hey, you know what, let’s live the… let’s… let’s live. Let’s fully…
Alex Lange: See different cultures, let’s be present with each other, let’s silence… silence the external noise.
Alex Lange: And let’s… let’s really connect with each other.
Alex Lange: And so when Liam passed away, that was… being in that space and having that availability to just be with myself.
Alex Lange: And then when the emotions came up, and then asking the questions, instead of being in a victim mindset, and getting curious of what this is here to teach me… and I know that’s a challenging process when you’ve lost a child, or a partner, or, you know, you’re struggling with alcohol, or drugs, or whatever the battle is, or whatever the challenge is, I know it’s challenging.
Alex Lange: But if you can just get curious on, okay, what is this here to teach me?
Alex Lange: Why is it in my life?
Alex Lange: And that’s where I started to see a lot of change.
Jessica Dueñas: Ugh, that’s incredibly powerful, and, you know, I’m…
Jessica Dueñas: I’m so grateful that you were able to kind of get into community before all of this happened, because one of the things I’ve noticed, again, just from kind of, like, looking at all of your stuff and slightly stalking, especially in preparation to talk today, right? What I did notice is that you share very openly, and you share very vulnerably, and
Jessica Dueñas: 100%. I mean, I see it in being in recovery from alcohol, and in the sobriety community that I’m a part of, the Luckiest Club, right, that…
Jessica Dueñas: When people open up, when they share vulnerably, they break down that narrative in our heads that we’re the only one. And… because the truth is, we… we’re never the only one. And what I’ve seen in response to a lot of what you’ve shared about your story, specifically about Liam, are other people who have
Jessica Dueñas: experienced something similar, saying a version of, like, Me Too. What I’ve also seen, I have seen some people who push back, and they’re like, why are you doing this? And I’m curious, what is your… your mindset around the people who push back, and they’re like, you shouldn’t be doing this, you shouldn’t be posting this, etc?
Alex Lange: Well, I first want to say that I’ve never been the type of person that attacks the other side, like, in anything. I’m a big firm believer of education and then choice. So, you know, if we all have the same information and you make a different choice than me, then cool. Like, I respect it.
Alex Lange: It’s been… that’s been an interesting… I’m glad you brought this up, because this is something I’ve sat with the last few days, because I’ve received more backlash of, like, why are you being… like, why are you showing this? Your son just died, why are you taking a video or a picture? And at one point, I believed the same thing that they did.
Alex Lange: I’m like, this is a vulnerable moment that needs to be shared… that needs to be, like, quiet. Why are we sharing this? And…
Alex Lange: I feel like we’ve, as a society, gotten conditioned that there’s only perfection. Like, life is only, you know, if you work hard enough, if you have the big things, you know, you’re successful, we talk about success, that’s priority. And then on social media, we push the success picture.
Alex Lange: No one shares the challenges. So then, when we share the challenges, it becomes taboo. You know, like, it’s… it’s…
Alex Lange: It’s uncomfortable for some people. Death is uncomfortable for people. And
Alex Lange: I think that’s where I’m leaning into a lot, is to really say, you know what?
Alex Lange: This is my opportunity to help people realize that it’s a normal process of life.
Alex Lange: And everybody’s gonna die.
Alex Lange: We’re not able to escape that. Unless they find some miracle for us to live eternally, right? Everybody’s gonna die, and so I… in my own process, as I’ve been vulnerable and shared.
Alex Lange: I’ve heard so many beautiful stories, and that’s what I’m leaning into.
Alex Lange: You know, the positive of listening to a woman who had a 6-month-old child that passed away of the same condition.
Alex Lange: And how she got to spend so much time with him, and they knew because they got an ultrasound at 20 weeks. You know, just to back a little bit, the reason why we didn’t know Liam had a heart condition was because my wife gave birth at home and had no ultrasounds at all.
Alex Lange: And so, the doctor, when Liam passed away, she said that he was a medical miracle. He shouldn’t have lived past a few days. And so I lean into that as well, you know, where people have hit me on that, like, you guys are careless, you didn’t get your kid checked out, like, I hear it. I respect your opinion, but I also know
Alex Lange: that this happened for a reason, and he lived long, that he lived a longer life because of what we… like, of how we brought him into the world, and we got to have all these beautiful memories. So I… I tell them, these people thank you, right? Like, I don’t want anybody that comes to my page, and I’ve said this before.
Alex Lange: Everybody has an opinion. Now, for me, my opportunity is when someone hits me in the chest with something that I don’t like, how can I just acknowledge it.
Alex Lange: Thank you for your opinion, and you can… you can continue to carry on just like I’m gonna carry on.
Alex Lange: Because the… the medicine, the story, which is the medicine, It’s so much more powerful
Alex Lange: than the onesies or the twosies, the people that come hit me and say, hey.
Alex Lange: Why did you record your son?
Alex Lange: And that’s all I have, though. You know, like, those are the only… those are the last memories, and yes, he’s dead, but being able to see him…
Alex Lange: Still… I wish I could explain it to you, but it’s just… those are memories now.
Jessica Dueñas: Yeah, and you know, the thing I’m hearing
Jessica Dueñas: some of the arguments, and I remember seeing some of that posted in, like, response to some of your content, you know, we can’t change the outcomes of things in life, right? Like, if you would have
Jessica Dueñas: done… if you all would have known earlier on, you know, the timing was his timing. The other thing that I think about, too, quality of life, you know, it looks like Liam had a really beautiful life, and, like, you all did so many awesome things, and, you know.
Jessica Dueñas: I wonder what his life would have looked like if you had known that, you know, there was this heart defect going on, right? Like, would he have just been in the hospital his entire existence until his passing, and then what kind of life would that have been? You know, so it’s like, I see what those folks are saying, but at the end of the day, like, this was his lived experience, and it sounds like he did live a beautiful life with his siblings and you all until his time came, and so.
Alex Lange: So, it’s so difficult, right? And I think, like.
Jessica Dueñas: there’s so many different things that people are bringing with them when they’re making those charged comments, right? Like, their own stories, their own experiences that make them feel like their way is right. And so, I… I love that you just kind of use that as an invitation to just practice, like, alright, you can have your thought, you can carry on, and I’m gonna carry on.
Alex Lange: Can I say one thing, too.
Jessica Dueñas: Yeah.
Alex Lange: You made me think about, most people suffer in any situation, any challenge, most people suffer because they’re either thinking about the future, or they’re thinking about the past.
Alex Lange: And in this healing journey for me, I’ve really found solace in staying in the present moment as much as possible. Like, when I acknowledge, when I start to see myself thinking about the future, or I start to think about, what if we did this? What if we did that?
Alex Lange: And I feel the emotions, I take it… I stop and I take a deep breath.
Alex Lange: And I’m like, okay.
Alex Lange: Where am I at right now?
Alex Lange: Am I safe? Am I okay? Like, I start to ask myself these questions, because…
Alex Lange: That’s how… it’s so interesting how the brain works, because it’s going to take us to this what-if scenario, or this, and especially in the future, if we’re thinking about something in the future, but it hasn’t even happened, why are we anxious about it? Why are we freaking out about it? Now we have to go through that process twice.
Alex Lange: But if we can just stay in the moment and control the controllables for us.
Alex Lange: We can look at how we can control ourselves and how we show up in the world.
Alex Lange: When that moment comes, then we… then we navigate through it.
Jessica Dueñas: Yeah, and you know, when you talk about controlling the controllables, like, the only thing we’re in control of is ourselves.
Alex Lange: Yeah.
Jessica Dueñas: how do we choose to respond to things? Like, even that first emotion we’re not in control of, right? It’s really, like, we’re just in control of the decisions and, you know, what thoughts we choose to continue to, like, cycle through our minds versus not. I’m curious, I know that you do coach people, and…
Jessica Dueñas: how have you helped others, aside from sharing your story, which I think is incredibly important, and it breaks down shame, and it helps to build community.
Jessica Dueñas: how else do you support others who are grieving when they… when they share, like, hey, me too, like, what help, what… what do I do with this pain?
Alex Lange: So I created this framework. I went back and I looked at my own life as I progressed through 2021, and then the coaching clients that I had, like I said, I didn’t have a name for this process, but then as I was writing the TEDx.
Alex Lange: you know, Dr. R kept telling me, hey, I need you to create, like, some type of framework that people can take away, something tangible.
Alex Lange: So then, I thought about my son, and I’m like, hey, what a good way to honor him with the Liam process. And this process, what I do with… and I coach mostly men, so I’m not saying that I don’t take women, I’m in a different phase of my life, I was hardcore men for a long time, but…
Alex Lange: The big thing is listening. So just being there, asking them to sit with what’s going on.
Alex Lange: Not scrolling, not coping with whatever their coping mechanism is, listening to what’s going on.
Alex Lange: And then, having them write it down, I either have them write it down, so journaling, voice memos, some form of getting it out, because the thoughts that are in our head, we close the loop when we get them on a piece of paper. If we just… we… they’re there, and we just keep pushing them, they’re gonna recycle.
Alex Lange: And so with my clients, I have them do a lot of either writing, which I know is something that I saw on your page. You do a form of writing with regards to coaching. And then, I’m a big speaker, I love speaking, I love connecting to people, so I really relate with people on the voice, so I have them do a lot of voice connection, if that… voice processing, if that relates to them.
Alex Lange: And then the action piece is action to self.
Alex Lange: So…
Alex Lange: you acknowledge, or I skipped the I, the integration. So the feelings, listening to the feelings, listening to what’s coming up, and then integrating it into your life.
Alex Lange: So, not acting like it’s never happened to you, like you don’t have something going on, acknowledging it, giving it a place, giving it a name, face, whatever you need to do.
Alex Lange: Integrate it.
Alex Lange: And then let’s act with it. And that action, once again, can be as simple as a walk, it could be a phone call, it could be a journal entry, a voice memo.
Alex Lange: starting to get movement from the body, because somatically, movement is medicine for the mind. So when we start to move around, when we start to take action within what we’re going through.
Alex Lange: Other things start to flow. Ideas, thoughts.
Alex Lange: And then part of this framework that I’ve asked people to do is service to others.
Alex Lange: Now, it doesn’t mean, like, you have to go out and be so insert, like, being a servant to other people and lose focus of yourself, but the service to others is sharing your story and talking about it.
Alex Lange: Because this is the… this is the thing with regards to self-worth, is when these things happen to us, we don’t think that we’re worthy. We don’t feel like we belong in the room.
Alex Lange: And the mental part of this all, that’s more than half the battle.
Alex Lange: So I say, hey, let’s go share your story. I want you to share your story to a few people.
Alex Lange: Like, let… whatever… however… whatever platform, it doesn’t have to be Instagram or TEDx, or… but maybe it’s someone that you know that you just… that they don’t know what you’re going through. Share it.
Alex Lange: And a lot of times, the people come back and they’re like, man.
Alex Lange: I didn’t know this person was going through this, too.
Alex Lange: And especially working with men, that’s the constant theme that I get, is because we leave it… we keep it so internal, because we feel like we’re the only ones going through it. When they start to open up to other men.
Alex Lange: They… they realize that other men are going through the same thing, and then they…
Alex Lange: They stop believing that it’s… it’s not manly.
Alex Lange: It’s, it’s not manly to, to open up.
Alex Lange: You know, I think that we’ve been conditioned as men to… to keep it in, to suck it up, to… to push through it.
Alex Lange: But human beings are not meant to just always do, they’re meant to be as well.
Alex Lange: And so, we have to create a space for that.
Jessica Dueñas: Yeah, and I mean, I think it’s so important that you bring that up, because that can be such a block for men’s mental health. Like, the idea that, you know, it’s manly to not express your emotions, and then, you know, you keep all of this bottled up, and I mean, eventually, it’s like a pressure cooker, right? Like, you’ve got to let these feelings out, you’ve got to find a way to process them, otherwise it’s gonna be like an explosion, and that
Jessica Dueñas: Helps no one. Literally, it helps no one.
Alex Lange: Absolutely.
Jessica Dueñas: So I’m so glad that you’re creating, and, you know, having these spaces, having these conversations for men to really get in touch with their feelings, because it needs to be, like, we need to change the narrative socially, that it’s okay for men to carry these emotions, and to be impacted, and to name it. Again, you know, they don’t have to be suffering in silence.
Jessica Dueñas: The other thing that you had mentioned earlier that I wanted to come back to that I think is really important is With regard to, like, looking at death as a transition point.
Jessica Dueñas: I… I wanted to talk about that a little bit, only because…
Jessica Dueñas: what I’ve noticed is a lot of people are incredibly uncomfortable with speaking about death, when the reality is, is that
Jessica Dueñas: you said it yourself, everyone is going to pass away. It’s guaranteed, as much as being born is a guarantee, so is the fact that one day we all transition off of this earth. And I’m curious,
Jessica Dueñas: How you perceive death, or, like, how you aim to break the stigma around that with the work that you do as well.
Alex Lange: Yeah, I…
Alex Lange: I feel, in my own journey, this is an I statement because it starts with me, anything that I say here, it’s something that I’ve done, but I do believe that it relates with a lot of people. I was scared of death for so long because I didn’t like the life that I was living.
Alex Lange: So many people are in a job that they hate.
Alex Lange: They’re chasing the dreams of other people, they’re building the dreams of other people, they’re doing things that they don’t like to do, but because they have to financially. And so I think that they’re… in my own experience, when I ask myself, why was I so scared, it’s because I’m not living a life that I’m really enjoying.
Alex Lange: So, I am hoping, as I share more, and, you know, I talk about
Alex Lange: inspiring families to live with purpose. You know, post Liam, it’s about inspiring families to live with purpose, inspiring people to do things that they want to do.
Alex Lange: And it doesn’t have to look like mine, right? It just requires you to sit, to say, okay, what is it that I really want in the world? What is it… what fills my cup?
Alex Lange: Because a lot of times, we lose focus of that. We’re doing things because we have to do them, or we’re told to do them.
Alex Lange: Maybe, maybe you’re listening to this, and, you know, you’ve been told that, hey, you need to go this career path.
Alex Lange: You know, I was in the military for 13 and a half years, and the majority of the reason why I was in the military was because
Alex Lange: I didn’t have a relationship with my dad.
Alex Lange: Until I joined the military. My dad was a retired… he was in the military for 20 years, and he retired. And I went to the military because I didn’t really have any other options that were gonna push me up into being a productive human, and he was like, listen, you have to… you either get… you get out of my house.
Alex Lange: Or you join the military. And I was like, well, I don’t wanna… I don’t know what I’m gonna do with regards to career-wise, I’ll join the military. And so I just sucked it up. I was just continually focusing on building this… this beautiful career within the military. And then I sat back in 2021, like I mentioned, and asked myself.
Alex Lange: What am I doing this for?
Alex Lange: Who am I doing this for? Like, I hated… I loved leading people. I love leading people.
Alex Lange: But my job and being in the military, I was just like, this is not who I want to be. So then I started to take these steps of, okay, what fills my cup?
Alex Lange: What did I like about the military? How can I incorporate that into my life?
Alex Lange: So if you’re listening to this, I would ask you to just have a direction, understand where you want to go as a person.
Alex Lange: Are you in a career that really fills you up? Are you doing a job that really is giving and not just taking?
Alex Lange: If something is just taking from you, how is it serving you?
Alex Lange: And that’s… that’s why, for me, I was afraid of death, was because I’m like, man, I’m not really living a life.
Alex Lange: that I’m… like, if I was to die today, I’d have a lot of… a lot left on the table.
Alex Lange: regret. Resentment towards myself. Like, there would be a lot left on the table. And so now…
Alex Lange: Being able to…
Alex Lange: really redefined success, which I’ve changed that whole narrative in my mind. It’s not the cars, it’s not the six-figure paying job, because I had it all, and I was still struggling internally. For me, success is now about my inner self, like, having self-awareness.
Alex Lange: And then, now that helps me show up in the world differently. So, any challenge that, in my life that happens, I want to make sure I say this, because I’ve been thinking about it as you’ve been speaking.
Alex Lange: For death, when there’s death, there’s rebirth.
Jessica Dueñas: So anything that is no longer serving us that, like, falls off, it, you know, I use the word, maybe it’s a little harsh, but it dies, right?
Alex Lange: There’s a part of you that’s re… like, that’s gonna be rebirthed.
Alex Lange: You know, when forest fires… when there’s forest fires that happen, and they burn all down, the soil is actually more rich with nutrients for new trees to… to birth. So, like, that’s where I’m… where I lean into with death, is like, okay, how can I make the time that I have on Earth
Alex Lange: You know, the dash between the dates that are on the headstone, right? How can I make that dash more meaningful to me, not to others?
Jessica Dueñas: And that’s incredibly powerful, too, because if you’re kind of going off of what you’re saying, if you’re living a life that feels satisfying to you, because you’re defining what that satisfaction, what that success is.
Jessica Dueñas: then when your time comes, there’s kind of, like, that piece of, okay, like, well, I lived a good life, and so…
Jessica Dueñas: now I’m transitioning, as opposed to, like you said, that idea of, like, the stuff on the table, like, all this regret. And, you know, I hear it so much when people talk about, like, interviewing people, like, on their deathbeds, and, you know, like, the list of things that they regret, and I do hope that I’m
Jessica Dueñas: not with a lengthy list by the time that comes for me, whenever that is meant to be. I really hope and pray that I don’t have that experience either.
Jessica Dueñas: So, as we start to kind of, wrap up here, I want to think a little bit about the listener who might be… feel stuck, right, which happens to a lot of us.
Jessica Dueñas: What do you want them to kind of take from your story, or Liam’s life, or even if they get to listen to your TEDx talk? Like, what do you hope the stuck person does next?
Alex Lange: I think it’s important that…
Alex Lange: We take a moment, if you’re really… if you’re struggling in life.
Alex Lange: Possibly, if we could reframe, what if your biggest
Alex Lange: Perceived failures is actually your greatest success.
Alex Lange: So, really, when we are able to sit with ourselves, and just get curious on the emotions, the thoughts that come up, I want you to just give yourself that space.
Alex Lange: It can be… it can be in silence without any type of distraction.
Alex Lange: And this is… this may not be a one-time process. It may be a few weeks, a month’s process.
Alex Lange: But give yourself a space to know a direction that you want to go in.
Alex Lange: I talked about at the very beginning of the podcast, of educating yourself, and then having a choice.
Alex Lange: Most people follow blindly.
Alex Lange: From what the traditional narrative has been.
Alex Lange: They don’t even look into what things, like, the things that are happening in the world, and making a choice for themselves, they just follow blindly. So for yourself, I want you to really…
Alex Lange: And I steal this from a friend that told me after Liam passed, he said, love in all moments.
Alex Lange: Liam, love in all moments. He said, your healing journey, your addiction journey, your… whatever journey you’re going through.
Alex Lange: It’s about being able to love yourself. That’s how you’re going to get through the challenging times.
Alex Lange: And if you’re having a hard time loving yourself, I think it’s very important to surround yourself with people that are in this journey that you are on.
Alex Lange: That are… that are maybe a step ahead of you, or two steps, so on and so forth.
Alex Lange: And then as you’re on that journey, and you’re starting to see you’re able to love yourself more, you’re pouring back into your cup, part of this healing journey is then to look behind you and see the people that are maybe in step 0 or Step 1, and pulling them with you, guiding them.
Alex Lange: And so that’s what I want anybody that’s listening to this, is to give yourself a space to first listen.
Alex Lange: Listen to what’s coming up. Acknowledge it.
Alex Lange: Integrated into your life.
Alex Lange: Feel the feelings.
Alex Lange: Like, if you need to cry, cry.
Alex Lange: If you need to scream, scream. Give it a place, give it a name.
Alex Lange: And then take this action. Love yourself. Fill your cup.
Alex Lange: Identify a list of things that make you feel better, external of the coping mechanism. So, like, I get it, like, for me, you know, for a long time, I thought, okay, alcohol helped me feel better, porn, working, like, that’s what gave me value. But as you sit with yourself, you’re gonna realize, okay, those just took from me.
Alex Lange: What really gives me life? What makes me feel good?
Alex Lange: And when you start to do that for yourself, once again, that multiply.
Alex Lange: Get service to others by sharing your story. Everyone here, when they share their story, gives permission for others to do the same.
Alex Lange: And that’s how we heal the unconscious collective, so to speak.
Alex Lange: Our healing journey is we’re connected, we’re so interconnected as people. And when we suppress things, they come out sideways, through addiction, through drugs, through whatever it may be.
Alex Lange: And that’s why it’s important to have this expression, this creative expression.
Alex Lange: Hopefully that answers your question.
Jessica Dueñas: Yeah, no, it totally does, and when you talk about, like, that, what if your greatest perceived failure is, like, actually, like, your greatest success, or… you said something along those lines.
Jessica Dueñas: You know, it made me think immediately about my relationship with alcohol, and how there was a time when
Jessica Dueñas: I was totally in that, woe is me, why do I have to be the one that’s addicted to this stuff, and now I have to figure out how to get sober when all these people in the world just get to enjoy their casual drink, like, with dinner, I can’t do that. There was so much resentment that I had about the fact that I’m one of the lucky 10% who struggles with, you know, some sort of substance use disorder.
Jessica Dueñas: And at the same time, while I didn’t ask for it, I look around at the life that I have today, and nothing that I have today would have
Jessica Dueñas: been here, like my daughter, my relationship, you know, sort of like this rebirth that I’ve had to experience myself. None of this would be here if I didn’t have the struggle in the first place. Again, you know, resiliency, that’s a tough one because we become resilient when we go through really hard things.
Jessica Dueñas: But I’m really glad that I am a resilient person at this point, and I… I am so grateful that there isn’t anything in this world
Jessica Dueñas: that I don’t believe I can’t face, if that makes sense, you know? And the confidence that I have, and a lot of that is because
Jessica Dueñas: I overcame the struggles that I had with alcohol and continue on a daily basis. I make that choice every day to stay sober, to work to protect that sobriety. I… it is my greatest success. Everything that I have today is because of my sobriety, even though…
Jessica Dueñas: you know, would I have asked for this, you know, lot in life? Sure, no, of course not. Like, nobody wants to go through those struggles, but I did it, and here I am. So, I definitely think that it’s hard, because in those moments, when we’re in the thick of it, we don’t see the way out, but if we can just, like you said, be in community and see that there’s other people who were in our shoes, and they got through it, and trust that if other humans can do it.
Jessica Dueñas: I can too. That can really, really take us a long way. So, thank you for that point. So, Alex, before we wrap up, how can people connect with you? How can people find you, follow your work, or learn more about what you do?
Alex Lange: Absolutely. So, you can find me right now, I do a lot of more of sharing my writings, and just being vulnerable on Instagram, at alexlang22. I am not official in the sense of having a website, I do have a substack, but I’m very infant in the speaking journey. That’s been a dream of mine.
Alex Lange: And when Liam passed away, I said, hey, you know what? The reason why I did a TEDx was because Liam passed away. And I’ve been holding my own dreams off.
Alex Lange: And I was like, hey, it’s time to share. So, at alexlang22, Instagram, and then you can email me, a lot of my… I do a lot of coaching at, it’s alexlangcoaching at gmail.com, and
Alex Lange: things are evolving. You know, the TEDx, and I’m sure you could speak the same, a lot of opportunities have opened up for me since. You know, a lot of people have reached out asking me to share, and so I do… if you’re listening to this and you have a podcast.
Alex Lange: please reach out. I’d love to share my story. I’d love to have you share your story, because I think at the end of the day, as humans, we thrive on connection. Connection to self, and connection to others. And if you’re going through something that’s challenging.
Alex Lange: there’s a lot more people that are gonna have… your story is medicine to them than the people that think… that are gonna shame you, and be on you, and give you a hard time. And I… and I hid my mom… you know, for a long time, I hid my mom’s addiction, my dad’s alcoholism, because I thought it was something so bad.
Alex Lange: But the reality is, we’re all human, and we’re all going through something. We connect when we come together, and we’re just honest, vulnerable, and we’re there for each other.
Jessica Dueñas: Absolutely. Well, Alex, again, just thank you for sharing Liam’s story, thank you for opening up about how grief has shaped your journey and has you… how you navigated everything.
Jessica Dueñas: To anyone listening, just that reminder that if today’s conversation brought up anything heavy for you, please remember that you don’t have to go through grief alone. I mean, Alex shared his contact information, but also remember that there’s always a trusted friend in your circle, a support group, or even a counselor to help you talk through these things. We don’t have to go through this human experience alone, so…
Jessica Dueñas: Thank you all for listening. Thank you, Alex, for joining. Until next time.
Alex Lange: Thank you so much.
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“When we drank, goal setting felt impossible because we were so trapped by the ‘now appeal’ of alcohol. All we could think about was where our next drink was coming from, itching to get off work so we could swing by the liquor store. We didn’t have the mental capacity to consider goal setting realistically. Now that you’ve been sober for a few months, you can visualize a future, make plans, and set goals. Isn’t that crazy?”
After I said that mouthful, I grinned at my client. She sheepishly smiled back as she processed that what I was saying was true.
Marc Lewis, in The Biology of Desire: Why Addiction is Not a Disease, talks about “now appeal,” which is the idea that choosing our substance of choice instead of abstaining at a moment of craving is driven by dopamine uptake, so immediate rewards (the alcohol and/or the other drugs you want to consume) are more compelling than long-term rewards (not pissing off your partner who you love dearly for the 10th time). Now appeal explains why when you have a craving, you feel like you will die if you don’t drink right then and there because alcohol hijacked your brain. Your brain mistakenly thinks you need alcohol to live instead of essentials like food, so it goes into survival mode and freaks out if you don’t have alcohol now.
Once you’re sober for some time, your brain starts to rewire itself, and this panicked need for a drink eases up. You can come up for air and look out onto the horizon, and what do you see? Your future. What a gift.
Once sober, you can start to set goals for anything you want, which is my favorite thing to do with clients. If we were able to stop drinking one of the world’s most addictive substances, we can absolutely do anything.
Speaking of goals, here is a worksheet to help you walk through goal setting and of course, if you want further support, schedule a consultation for 1:1 coaching with me here.
I’ve been very open about the losses I’ve been dealt and how, early on, I wondered if I could recover from a broken heart. “Getting sober AND working through grief, ha!” I thought.
Despite my doubts, I knew that if I trusted the process of getting sober, everything else would fall into place. I just had to stay the course.
Today I witnessed my partner, a single father who has raised his 12-year-old son by himself, graduate from business school with his MBA. I sat side by side with his son, chatting and taking in the special moment. When the music playing switched to a violin instrumental of Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” I whispered/squealed to his son, “OMG, they’re playing Lady Gaga!” To which he replied, “Lady Caca?” We both covered our mouths to stifle our giggles.
What a silly and precious moment.
When the moment came that I saw my partner walk the stage, I flashed back to this piece that I wrote that I had written as part of a larger piece I published in the newspaper:
“My dream is to attain long-term sobriety, and I believe one day I will, but just for today, I choose to live in recovery until I fall asleep. I will fight my alcoholism daily…I will live a good life. I will have a family, find peace and STILL be of service to others, just not in the way I had planned.”
Today is exactly what I wished for years ago when I wrote those words and put my trust that things get better when we recover. Today is part of a continuing to-be-revealed answer to the question I often asked myself, “Why the hell is this not working out?” or “Why is this so difficult?” The things that didn’t work out for me before didn’t work out because they weren’t supposed to. What was meant to work out for me, is revealing itself daily. I just have to stay the course.
If you’re early on in trying to quit or wondering if quitting drinking is worth it, I’m here to tell you that it’s worth it.
Everything you think you’re going to lose, or everything that you already lost, you only stand to gain it a million times better by taking that leap of faith.
If you’re a teacher, you are working in a climate that has gotten exponentially more challenging with time. Summer was likely a great relief for many, but the lack of structure can lead to more unhealthy behaviors. If you already had a questionable relationship with alcohol, you might have been using your time off drinking even more than you did before. Now that it is time for many of you to start getting ready to return to your school buildings, you may be worrying if your drinking is a problem. Is your alcohol consumption at the point where you may need help but are scared that it’s too late to do anything about it because you can’t miss work?
It is not too late.
“But, I’m a professional. I do well at work and take care of all my responsibilities (finances, kids, family, pets, etc.).” None of that is relevant. When it comes to alcohol abuse, what you accomplish despite your drinking does not negate the fact that your relationship with alcohol is a problem.
The National Institutes of Health (NIH) uses guidelines to determine if a person falls on the spectrum of alcohol use disorder. It is essential to highlight the word spectrum because one person’s problems with alcohol may look drastically different from another. Identifying alcohol abuse is not about comparing your drinking to someone else’s and being tempted to say, “Well, I am not as bad as her, so I must not have a problem.” This analysis is about your health and your life. This reflection needs to be about you solely. Examine what your thought process is and what your behavior is when it comes to drinking. Is it an issue?
Here are some questions the NIH provides to ask regarding drinking.
In the past year, have you:
If, after reading this list, you are uncomfortable with the fact that you may have a problem with alcohol, I first want to say that you’re not alone. I taught successfully for thirteen years and won numerous awards, and at the end of my drinking career, I drank a fifth of bourbon a night and excelled the next day at work. I’ve been sober since November 28, 2020, so I promise you that it gets better and that knowing you have an issue can only serve your higher good.
Maybe you have tried to stop drinking only to find that, for different reasons, you really could not control it on your own. You’ve heard of people going to treatment facilities, but now that school is around the corner, you feel like your opportunity to get assistance is gone. You think that you might have to wait for another break in the school year to come.
“Who is going to cover my classes?” “I don’t want to/don’t have the mental capacity to write these sub plans.” “I worry about my classroom.” “Will this go on file against me?” “I’ve never been to rehab. I’m scared to go.” “I don’t want to leave my kids at home.” “What if I lose my job?” “What if no one watches my children/pets at home?”
I, too, have said most of the above, but it is important to note that eventually if you don’t stop drinking, many of the fears listed will materialize anyway. You will decrease the likelihood of experiencing significant losses and consequences by going to treatment for a week or several weeks.
There are many resources and avenues for getting help outside of a treatment facility, and you can find those here. However, for those considering going into a facility, please be aware that if you have worked in the same district for over a year, you may be eligible to take advantage of the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) program with the U.S. Department of Labor. This program also applies to employees at agencies at the local, state, and federal levels. The specific line of the act that would apply to entering a treatment facility is “a serious health condition that makes the employee unable to perform the essential functions of his or her job.” Mental health IS health, so a problem with addiction IS a serious health issue. In my personal experience, I used FMLA as a public school teacher when I needed treatment.
So what is FMLA? It is a federal program that, upon approval, allows individuals to take up to twelve weeks (or twenty-six, it depends on the circumstances) off of work to take care of different medical needs. This time off is usually NOT paid time off (not ideal, I know). However, the employee keeps all their benefits, and their job is guaranteed for them when they return. You are also protected by confidentiality, so your employer cannot disclose the nature of your absence to others.
When I used it, my employer was only allowed to say that I was “on leave,” my accounts, such as my school email (your district may do something different), were put on pause until I returned. Also, when I say employer, I mean your human resources department. If you disclose your situation to your school principal, that is your choice, but the HR department cannot tell your principal why you are on leave. In my case, I did not write any lesson plans, either.
I share this information about FMLA because I was unaware I could use it when struggling with alcohol. I learned about it when I ended up in a hospital and the doctor on call recommended that I enter into treatment. My first reaction was, “No. I can’t. I’m a teacher.” He proceeded to explain FMLA to me, and when my family contacted my district’s human resources department, the HR staff confirmed that with the proper documentation, I was eligible for it.
Many teachers have lost their jobs due to drinking, and if they haven’t lost their jobs, they have suffered other consequences, too. When I taught, I built my schedule around alcohol so that I could teach, lesson plan, grade, drink, pass out and get up only to repeat the same cycle every day for years. Alcohol dictated everything for me, and it made me physically very sick, yet I still successfully put up appearances of doing well. I was quietly letting it kill me. You don’t have to spend another school year suffering if you are still teaching. I let my problem spiral to the point where I had to leave, but you don’t have to.
The content in this blog piece is not a replacement for advice from an individual’s human resources department, nor is it legal advice in any form.
Jessica Vivian Dueñas, beloved teacher, community member, friend, sister, daughter, and aunt, passed away on May 25th, 2020 at the age of 35 in a tragic car accident. She had a great passion for education and community engagement, and a great dedication to her family. Jessica leaves behind her mother, Amable, her siblings, Sandra, Lorena, Grettel, Victor, and Sofia, and her friends, colleagues, students, and her dog, Cruz …
We have a lot of assignments in treatment designed to teach us to not drink or use drugs, but writing my own obituary wasn’t an activity given to everyone. A tech, this older lady named Lisa, felt I should write it given my “recklessness.” The process of starting to draft it was awkward and in fact painful. The thinking of those “left behind” knotted my stomach as I visualized each crying face. I could imagine my middle school student James. He was usually smiling, often with his hand over his mouth to stifle a laugh at something silly he just did or saw some other kid do. I pictured a woman, his mother, walking into the room he’s in and saying, “I’m so sorry baby. Ms. Dueñas died yesterday.”
Suddenly, his almost-shut-from-laughing squinted eyes soften, his cheeks that stood high from smiling drop down, and water wells up so much in his eyes that the single tear he was holding back slowly starts to roll down his face, past his nose, and onto his lip.
“Whatchu mean, Momma?”
She sniffles. “I’m sorry baby.” She leans over to embrace him and at that moment I’m so broken at the thought of another’s pain that I shake my head like a dog does to bring myself back into the present moment. Phew.
I was in the fireplace room. Our women’s group usually did most of our sessions in that space. Today we had to meditate but instead, we were all doing different things. No one actually meditated because who knew how to sit still unless you were drunk or high and basically knocked out of consciousness?
Some women like Denise decided to take a nap because she was still detoxing. She ended up here after her husband found her on the floor next to a shattered bottle of wine. She had just shared in a group that she was a full-time mom in her thirties who loved “Mommy needs wine” jokes until she realized that in fact, Mommy needed wine. I’m not a mom, but I nodded my head as soon as she spoke because I knew that needing feeling well.
Shanika walked over to the bookshelf, pulled a book at random, sat down, and cracked it open. It was nice seeing her back from the other psych hospital. Calm and settled.
On her first day here she was under the influence of God knows what. She had the wildest eyes, looked at me and immediately said, “I know you! Where do I know you from?!” Oh no, no, no no no! My secret! I panicked. Then that same night at our evening meeting when we did our prayer circle to wrap up, Shanika grabbed my friend’s ass in the middle of the prayer with no hesitation. She just latched on. I saw his eyes open wide and then we made eye contact. Clearly he didn’t know what to do; shit, I didn’t know what to do, so I just looked at him, raised my eyebrows, and shrugged my shoulders. It was funny, to be honest. We were trapped in a circle of prayer, so what were we supposed to do?
“I’m sorry to interrupt your connection with God here, but Shanika’s grabbing my ass?” Thankfully the circle eventually ended and off she went. He and I looked at each other and laughed, perhaps a bit uncomfortably.
It turned out Shanika was hallucinating and having a psychotic break. Her breaking point with our facility occurred when she climbed onto her roommate’s bed in the middle of the night and picked at her because she was covered in “ants.” The scuffle caused security to run to the room and quickly snatch her up. Shanika was gone for a few days to complete her detox in a higher-security psychiatric facility.
Those are the type of hospitals that take your bra from you so you don’t stab someone with your underwire. You can’t have shoelaces so you can’t hang yourself. It’s the type of place where techs have to lay eyes on you once every ten minutes even when you’re asleep to make sure you haven’t suddenly died. You’d be in a deeply medicated sleep and abruptly wake up to a flashlight in your face.
I’ve been in those places too.
So to see her back with us in the fireplace room, settled, calm, and quietly reading was a testament to how we can slowly come back from the dead after a few days of being in rehab. She didn’t “recognize” me anymore either. My secret was still safe.
Once we finished “meditating,” a social worker came to work with us to discuss relapse prevention planning. Essentially, we were going to sit there and outline everything that triggered us to get drunk or high, and then a list of ten things to do instead. As I listened to her I tilted my head to the side and scratched my scalp a little bit. I raised my hand.
“Yes, Jessica?” She turned to me.
“This isn’t my first time writing a relapse prevention plan, but I just don’t get how it’s supposed to work. I mean, I’ll be honest, if I want to drink, I’m not going to say, ‘Hmm, where is my prevention plan?’ That just doesn’t make sense,” I said.
She paused. “Sure, that’s a great point! So you put it on sticky notes and you place them all over your home!” Alrighty, I thought to myself, shaking my head.
Inside I wanted to scream, Don’t you get it? I’m addicted to alcohol, so my default setting is drinking! If not drinking were as easy as opening up some sort of almanac reference guide, filling out a handout, or looking at a sticky note, we wouldn’t be sitting here filling in the blanks on this paper in this treatment facility right now, would we?!
Instead, I just went ahead and started to fill it out.
Triggers:
grief, sadness, loneliness…anger, darkness…joy…light…anything! Better scratch those last few items. I didn’t want to keep them there and be accused of being cynical. I knew how these places operated. The social workers keep notes on patients, their behavior, their participation. Good behavior gets sent to the discharge team and puts folks on a go home list. Poor behavior keeps you around longer.
You can’t just leave treatment one day because you think you’re good to go. The only ways out are to either hop the fence and run, break the rules badly enough to get kicked out, run out of insurance, or wait until they let you go, and that is contingent on you finishing the program to their satisfaction.
I didn’t have the energy to run or rebel, and as a state employee I had good health insurance, so my only way out was to comply. I was down to my last couple of weeks and it was nice to be on a little sober vacation. I had actually made friends with some people, but I wanted to go home. However, I didn’t know if I was in fact ready to leave. I just knew that if I kept the social workers checking off the boxes on my discharge list, I’d be getting the green light to leave soon enough. I needed to get out and be on my own, away from everyone. Away from the cigarette smoke in the courtyard, the salt-less meals throughout the day, from the lack of privacy. That was my goal, I wanted to be in complete solitude, whether I was really ready or not.
Originally written by Jessica for Love & Literature Magazine.
Read the previous chapter, chapter 2 here.
Read the next chapter, chapter 4 here.