In this episode:
Do your loved ones make decisions you don’t feel are best for them? This episode is for you. to help you manage your frustrations.
Resources:
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Writing Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas (00:01.514)
Hey everyone, I am personally getting ready to travel to Washington, DC this coming week. I’m going to attend the Mobilize Recovery Conference. So for me, it’s really important to, you know, continuously be an active learner in recovery, especially as a coach and as a facilitator for community meetings and different, you know, online sober communities. So really excited for the learning opportunity and to connect with peers from all over the place this coming week.
I go, I did want to stop in, do a quick podcast recording. So I had probably a couple weeks ago written about self-sabotage on my blog. And I realized that I really should have recorded that too. Again, I have been reading this book, which I recommend. It’s called The Mountain is You. It is a part of the book club that I facilitate for the Reframe app, which is an online alcohol reduction app.
They have two tracks, one is to quit drinking, the other one is to moderate your drinking. And I personally don’t moderate, but I do facilitate meetings on there. And so the book club meeting is awesome. So if you haven’t checked out Reframe, you can definitely check it out, do a free trial and see if it’s something that is a community that you would be interested in. So with that being said, the book that I’ve been reading for the book club, it’s The Mountain is You.
And there’s one section about self-sabotage that I thought was really, really powerful that I think I need to give a little bit more voice to. So I’ll read it. It’s from pages 17 to 18 of the text, The Mountain is You by Brianna East. And it goes like this. Self-sabotage comes from what’s unfamiliar. Human beings experience a natural resistance to the unknown because it is essentially the ultimate loss of control. This is true.
even if what’s unknown is benevolent or even beneficial to us. Self-sabotage is very often the simple product of unfamiliarity, and it is because anything that is foreign, no matter how good, will also be uncomfortable until it’s familiar, aka sobriety, right? This often leads people to confuse the discomfort of the unknown with being wrong or bad or ominous.
Jessica Dueñas (02:16.782)
However, it is simply a matter of psychological adjustment. We are programmed to seek what we’ve known. Even though we think we’re after happiness, we’re actually trying to find whatever we are most used to. So I have actually referenced this passage several times in conversations, especially with one-on-one clients. And sometimes we might have a friend or a loved one and they are making a decision.
that we don’t believe is in their best interest, right? Like for example, there was somebody that I know who has a loved one whose husband is possibly cheating, right? And in her mind, she felt that her loved one should walk away from the husband, right? And I get that because maybe like for many of us, we would walk away too. And so after we see somebody that we love, deal with infidelity, right? And what is supposed to be like this monogamous relationship.
we may see our loved ones still choose to take this person back and be like, what the fuck are you doing? Right? And we might be thinking like, you deserve so much better. What are you doing? You should leave. You shouldn’t tolerate that. I would never tolerate that. And you know, as we dive into that thinking, as a result, we start to get angry. We start to get disappointed. And we’re actually taking it personally that the person that we care about chose to take someone else back. When at the end of the day, we have nothing to do with that.
relationship, right? Them choosing to take someone back has nothing to do with us. So that’s the first reminder, right? Nothing that other people do, and this is a very, I would say this is like a foundational tenet in the Four Agreements by Domi Ghebreyes, but you can’t take things personally if you understand that nothing that other people do is because of you, literally like never ever ever, right? You might want to be the most supportive friend.
You might have all the evidence in the world as to why they should leave their possibly cheating partner. Or if you have a friend who’s staying in this job that treats her like trash and you’re like, why are you still working there? Right? Let me just offer you that idea of putting yourself in their shoes first. Now, I’m not saying that I’m supporting, say, like if they’re in an absolutely abusive relationship or in an absolutely.
Jessica Dueñas (04:35.406)
horrific workplace that is damaging to their mental health. But even in those situations, you still have no control. We still have no control, right? And so, but putting aside say, situations that are genuinely harmful to their health and safety and wellbeing, right? Just in general, like crappy partners, crappy jobs that you’re like, why, why don’t you leave? Let me offer you the idea of putting yourself in their shoes first, right? And keep this line in mind from the text.
We are programmed to seek what we’ve known, even though we think we’re after happiness, we’re actually trying to find whatever we are most used to. So to you, it may be frustrating to see that friend go back to that partner. It may be frustrating to see that friend not put in a resignation letter. It may be annoying to see that friend not even go and look for a new job after they complained about it, right? But…
you have to understand that for them, it is very possible, I’m not a mind reader, but it’s very possible that the idea of something that is unknown to them may be more terrifying than whatever they’re currently dealing with, right? So to you with the loved one who has that shitty partner, they may be like, well, at least I know what I’m dealing with here, rather than cutting off that shitty partner and going into the unknown world.
right, in the unknown world of say like dating again or navigating life on one’s own, or if you go from being in a two income household to a one income household, right? Like let’s not even, I mean that could be a whole other conversation, right, but let’s talk about the rates of poverty that women deal with when they go through divorces, right? It’s like you instantly go from being middle class to struggling. And that in itself is very, very scary. Financial security for a lot of people will trump
say that sense of loyalty. And it’s not us to, it’s not up to us to judge those things. So the other thing that I wanted to say with regard to this passage, again, going back into choosing what’s familiar, even if what is better for us is unknown and scary, is I want you to do some self reflection work, right? Like stop.
Jessica Dueñas (06:54.698)
take a few minutes and either think on these questions or journal about these questions. But how does this passage apply to you as well? So like one, what is a familiar pattern that you keep diving back into because you’re scared of what might happen if you enter unknown territory? So again, let’s apply it to dating. What if you are dating someone who you can already predict that you’re gonna have a certain outcome because you’ve seen all of this before?
Right, you’ve seen all this before, you know exactly what’s going to happen, but it’s familiar so you stick with it because you don’t want to go back out there, you don’t want to get back on these apps, you don’t want to put yourself out there and so you’d rather stick with what you’re dealing with. Right, another question, what do you think is the worst that could happen in this unknown realm? Like, seriously, what is the worst that could happen if you broke up with the guy that you
completely giving you all the red flags that you already have recognized, but you’re kind of turning a blind eye to, what’s the worst that could happen if you had to put yourself back out there? Like realistically, is the worst that maybe you might be single for a while, that’s okay, right? Because what’s the best that could happen if you leaned into the unknown, right? The best that could possibly happen is that because you’re cutting out somebody who doesn’t serve you,
that you’re creating the space to meet somebody who’s actually going to be a good fit for you, a right fit for you. Not someone who’s gonna have glaring red flags that you basically are putting sunglasses on to ignore. And the other thing too, is I want you to think about what’s the worst that could come from you staying in the pattern that you are in today, from choosing to stay in the familiar. So think about that, and then I want you to compare
the worst thing that could happen from what you are familiar with to the worst thing that could happen in your imagined scenario. What are you noticing? Going back to that dating example, if the worst that would happen from you cutting someone off is that you’re alone versus you staying with someone who’s familiar and you already know where that outcome is, right? Is it that you’re constantly feeling stressed, your cortisol levels are raised, you’re losing sleep?
Jessica Dueñas (09:19.926)
You’re crying, you’re missing work because you’re wrapped up in drama. It sounds like the worst that could happen from the unknown seems a lot more mild than the worst for the familiar. So just kind of giving you some food for thought questions for you to really think about, because for many of us, even if we have already quit drinking, we can still be stuck in a lot of old patterns. The work starts with
stopping, right, stopping drinking, right? The first bit of the work comes with getting a handle on a relationship with alcohol, but I really like the whole thriving piece comes from all the work and all the reflection that you have to do afterward. So hope that was helpful. Couple of things, I have a writing workshop, free writing workshop that is coming up on September 23rd, which is followed by the last of my six week program for 2023.
So I highly recommend that you sign up for that. If you’re like, oh my gosh, I don’t really want to, I recommend it. A, the workshop’s free. But then also honestly, that writing class, the six week program is so powerful to help you tell your story. Even if it’s a story that you’re just telling to yourself. You deserve to not be carrying that in your heart. So putting that out there, and I am open to taking one-on-one clients. So all this information and more is available on my site, bottomlisttosobr.com. Thanks so much, have a great day.
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