I got 99 days but I’ve really got just one.
I couldn’t help but be corny, but today’s a big deal. If all goes well, it’ll be the last time I’ll ever be 99 days sober. If it doesn’t and I spiral entirely out of control to a certain dark fate, it will still be my last time being 99 days sober. If I fall and bounce back, then hopefully, I’d make it back to 99 days. At this very moment, all that matters is now.
I finished an interview about a month ago with Vic Vela from Colorado Public Radio for his show Back from Broken. We checked in this weekend, and I shared how I’ve managed to stay sober for this many days in a row.
Immediately I thought of the generic response, “Well, you know, I follow the steps, I follow suggestions, I go to meetings, etc.” Not to say I don’t do those things, because I certainly do. They are a critical part of my toolbox along with accepting that I need medication and therapy.
However, the biggest thing that I’ve picked up on is my writing. Being sober makes it pretty easy to string a couple of sentences together coherently. It turns out that many feelings (especially my grief which triggered me nonstop) that I was always trying to suppress now have a way out. It’s either through pen to paper or by hitting that keyboard. A part of this writing is a part of my program, a part of it is trying to capture others’ stories, and a lot of it is also just letting everything inside me out. No matter what, it just feels really good. It’s a great distraction, and I’m finding joy today in what I create rather than seeking joy grasping onto the external.
Clearly time doesn’t change addiction.
Oh, and a random thought worth sharing. I watched this old 1940’s film, The Lost Weekend, after a friend recommended it. I’ve experienced near end-stage alcoholism through my own eyes. However, I’ve never seen what it looks like from the outside to be nearly dying and to feel ready for it because every waking moment is a nightmare physically and emotionally. I’ve always known what it felt like, but not what it looks like. It’s terrifying, and I hate that several people I love had to see me like that, but I’m grateful not to be there today.
I pray I’m not there tomorrow, and that’s why I say I just have today. The 98 days before today are gone, they’ve vanished. Tomorrow’s not here. If it comes, however, it will be day 100 and that’s a nice number. I do have hopes for tomorrow and for the tomorrows after that.
The hope I carry is enough for me to stay sober, just for today.
I’ll try again tomorrow.