Submission by Victoria English Martin
Triple-negative breast cancer stripped me of my armor: hair, uterus, and breasts. But eight months out of treatment on New Year’s Eve 2019, I was determined: 2020 would be my year!
I welcomed the New Year at home, in bed, actually. I was recovering from my final surgery. My three daughters were healthy and stable, and my 21-year-old son was finally sober. He was thriving in college.
Getting cancer both required me and inspired me to stop drowning my feelings in alcohol. Going through cancer treatment, I had to develop a new set of coping skills. I faced the trauma and the disappointments of my new reality. I acknowledged the hurt, anger, and fear I had. I learned how to live life on life’s terms.
That New Year’s Eve, I was approaching one year of solid alcohol-free living. I was getting my hair done at that point in life, wearing cute outfits. I even started a podcast. The cluster*&%$ was over.
But by March 2020, instead of looking stylish, instead of building my career, instead of traveling to see my kids, I was doing quite the opposite. I found myself in ratty sweatpants, baking banana bread, and staring at three-inch-long salt and pepper roots. COVID-19 forced the world to pause. We had to sit still, examine our relationships with others and ourselves, and cope with a new way of life. We were either suddenly all things to all people or left in absolute isolation and loneliness. If you’re reading this, you know these scenes because you lived them. Maybe you still are.
My therapist told me that her clients who had been through cancer and addiction were dealing with quarantine much better than those who had not. Perhaps it was because although everyone has experienced challenges, not everyone has had to face a life-threatening crisis head-on. Many individuals lack the tools necessary for managing financial challenges such as caring for ailing parents, one’s own illness, or career uncertainty. Experiencing hurdles like these for the first time, these uncertain and uncomfortable circumstances turned more people into maladaptive behaviors. Drinking and doing drugs became a simple solution. I noticed the marked increases in alcohol sales, domestic violence, overdoses, and suicides. The universe told me it was time to share my secret.
My drinking had been in the closet. Literally. I drank in the closet, so nobody would know I had a problem coping with this disaster. Seeing the impact of COVID-19 on society propelled me to come out of my own closet and share my story. A year ago, if you had told me I would go public with my addiction, I would have laughed in your face. However, a year ago, we would have all laughed if a psychic had told us that this, this is how life would look today.
My drinking did not land me at “rock bottom,” but it made me sick. It made me sad. It wasn’t serving me any useful purpose. Today, I run into people who I know feel the same shame I used to feel. They persist in hiding their precarious relationship with alcohol and drugs from friends, family, and frankly, even themselves. I did, too. I get it. They are not alone.
You are not alone.
Since the start of the pandemic, a growing number of people drink and use to cope. If people like me don’t come forward, the stigma and the impact of maladaptive drinking or drug use will always prevent us from living our best life.
Today, my closet? It has become my office, a safe space where I record my podcast, “After the Crisis.” I share my story, talk to people who have overcome serious life challenges, converse with experts, all while offering healthy coping strategies to others on their journeys.
Before I revealed my secret, I was a highly efficient mom of four, an active PTA member, and was deathly fearful of exposing my weaknesses. After sharing my story, people came forward to admit they were struggling just as much as I was. They confessed to having had uncomfortable relationships with alcohol and asked for help.
Now, I have unmasked the real Victoria English Martin. She has bad moments, bad days, and even bad weeks, but nothing compares to those wretched days when she sought solutions at the bottom of a wine bottle. Today’s she’s free.
2021, I’m ready for you.
Contact Victoria at victoria@afterthecrisiscoaching.com
