I narrowly opened my eyes to find a man I had never seen standing over me. I gasped as I jumped up, only to feel the rip of smoke down my throat and in my chest. Dread filled my stomach. Oh no, what did I do?
“Maam, you left your oven on, and your smoke detector’s been going off for I don’t know how long. I got the call to come in and see what was going on and see if we needed to call the fire department. It’s gonna stink in here for a while, but are you okay? I, uh, I can’t believe none of this woke you up.” The maintenance worker from my old apartment in Louisville kept eyeing the bourbon bottle lying within my arm’s reach. He knew what happened.
“Uh, yeah. I’m so embarrassed, and I’m so sorry. Am I going to get in trouble?” I asked him as I held back tears.
“Maam, that’s outside my pay grade. You take care of yourself now.” He nodded, stepped back into the hallway, and left.
I only remember that it was dark out, and the following day, I got a letter from the apartment complex’s management office informing me that if I caused another fire hazard, they would break my lease. I would have to leave immediately.
Something had to change so that I wouldn’t lose my home. Was it my drinking? I WAS drinking up to a fifth of alcohol at this point. Nah, I thought, Let me just stop trying to cook altogether so I don’t start fires. I will order food delivery instead. What???
My alcohol addiction had distorted my thinking to the point that the “obvious” solution to me not burning down my apartment complex was to stop cooking and order takeout rather than examine my relationship with alcohol. Dopamine had entirely hijacked my brain to make it believe that I needed alcohol over all things to survive, so when deciding between making food or drinking alcohol, I effectively chose to drink alcohol instead.
Some takeaways for you from this are:
- If you are trapped in a spiral of poor decision-making because of dealing with addiction, I know your brain wants you to hate yourself, so you can continue to spiral and feed your addiction, but it’s not you. Neurologically, it makes sense. I recommend this brief YouTube video if you prefer watching a video over reading an entire book. It’s not you. It’s the substance you’re addicted you.
- If you’re reading my story and thinking, “At least I didn’t do THAT,” remember that it’s really about any choices that you may be making that are problematic. Maybe it’s not that you’re almost causing a fire, but you’re driving, blacking out, getting sick, missing work, etc.
- There is support out there. There are free programs, paid programs, mentors, sponsors, and coaches. You don’t have to go through this alone. You can reach out to me for a consultation for coaching here.
