Tomorrow I will have 30 months of continuous sobriety, AND it took me fourteen months of repeatedly trying to quit (this includes lots of trips to facilities) before I finally stopped. All the times that I kept slipping and falling, things made zero sense for me, and they didn’t either for my sister, who was my biggest cheerleader and support in the process.
“She asked me why I kept supporting you even though you kept relapsing.” We were grabbing some coffee in the kitchen when my sister, Sofia, shared a previous conversation with a colleague about me from my days of active addiction. Her coworker knew I was repeatedly ending up in hospitals because I kept drinking. In 2020, I would be set for a week or so only to crash and end up back in the hospital with a blood alcohol level of .3-.4. This colleague said she would not have kept helping me if I had been her sister.
“So I told her I understand that choice for her, but I saw you still trying, and as long as you were trying, I said I was going to be there for you, and look at you now.” Sofia looked at me and smiled as she finished pouring her cup of coffee and walked back to her office with her tiny little old man dog trailing behind her.
My sister’s decision to continue to support me was her choice. Had she decided not to remain there for me in the throws of my struggles, she would have been within every right to do so, too.
So, what about you?
You have options.
- You can’t do it alone. In the same way that people with addiction suffer in silence when they don’t talk about what they are going through, you also need to speak to at least one other human being (pets don’t count) about what you’re dealing with. Countless people are touched by addiction either directly or because they love someone dealing with it.
- You can join a support group for people who have loved ones with addiction. For example, there is Al-Anon, a 12 Step support group for loved ones. The Reframe App also has a weekly support group meeting on Wednesday nights for loved ones, and SMART Recovery Family & Friends also has a support program. I’m sure there are other resources, too.
- Remember that someone else’s addiction is not to be taken personally by you, even if you have a role in their history where they may be some past unresolved trauma. The compulsive decision for someone to drink or do drugs over and over is a state that your loved one is in because their body has been hijacked by addiction. Regardless of how and why they started, why they remain where they are is the dark side of neuroscience, plain and simple.
- Become informed and empowered: An excellent text that explains the neuroscience of addiction while remaining an easy read is The Biology of Desire by Marc Lewis. You can watch him give a talk here.
- The boundaries you set with your loved one may not be the same as someone else’s, which is okay. My sister allowed me to stay in her house when someone else may have kicked me out. You have to set the boundaries that are going to work for you.
Give yourself grace. This is hard for anyone involved; you don’t have to do it alone as your loved one navigates this journey.
Updates
- Free Writing for Healing Workshop – July 8th
- Support Group Meeting for Educators – August 3rd
- Listen to my latest interview on The Sober Butterly Podcast and on The Reframe App’s Reframeable Podcast
