My stomach sank, and I felt my face tingle from embarrassment. I was on my third drink, and my co-teachers and I had been at happy hour for maybe 45 minutes.
I awkwardly laughed it off, “Oh, you know it’s been a CRAZY day,” and I proceeded to slow down on that last drink. I excused myself afterward, saying I had to go grade a bunch of assignments. My face felt hot as I walked to the train station in the cold. I kept my eyes low to ensure I didn’t trip on the uneven Brooklyn sidewalk, and I held on tightly as I rode what felt like the world’s longest and steepest escalator up to the J at Broadway Junction.
When I got off at Crescent St., I started to cross Fulton to go to my house when I saw the liquor store under the train station.
It caught my eye.
Hmm, I thought. I can get just a little bit. I didn’t get to really drink how I wanted to with everybody back at the bar.
So I stepped into the store and sheepishly asked for a, “Lemme get one of those little bottles.”
I took the half pint of liquor home and felt immediate relief as soon as I locked the door behind me. It was such a relief to drink how I wanted to, without anyone saying anything, no one to make me feel hot with shame.
Little did I know that was the beginning of me learning to drink in isolation, and the beginning of a long toxic relationship with alcohol that later almost killed me.
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A quick note:
My addiction didn’t happen suddenly. And I would definitely say that this wasn’t the moment I knew I had a problem. Neither would I say that this was when my problem started. My problem with alcohol developed over years of repeating many tiny choices like these. Small choices with gradually magnifying consequences eventually led to a full-blown addiction where I drank a fifth a day and got alcoholic liver disease. It didn’t happen overnight; honestly, it sometimes feels like it snuck up on me.
If you’re questioning your relationship with alcohol and having lots of little moments like these, there are so many ways to get help.
You don’t have to do this alone.
Upcoming Opportunities:
Free Writing for Healing Workshop. July 8th. Register here.
Six-Week Writing for Healing Program. July 15th. Register here.
Summer Soul Mid-Year Check In: How Are We, Really? July 16th. Register here.
Free Support Group for Educators. August 3rd. Register here.
Coaching 1:1 is open. Schedule a free consultation here.
