My Mother’s Love Language

“When I was married and needed a new car after a wreck, my ex didn’t want me to purchase it. I felt so stuck, controlled, and frustrated. When I called my mom crying, she said, ‘Te mando algo de dinero para que puedas comprarte algo.’ (I’ll send you some money so you can get yourself something.) She empowered me to get a car without my ex-husband’s permission,” I told my boyfriend over lunch at the airport.

My sister added, “No matter how grown we are, our mom has had our backs. She’s the most generous person I know. It’s like her generosity is her love language. She’s not mushy, but if she loves you, she’ll make sure you’re taken care of.” 

In the recovery/wellness world, I’m guilty of being the first one in a conversation or in a meeting to chime in on ways that my childhood impacted me and played a part in my addiction to alcohol as well as my challenges with body image and food. 

While having this conversation with my sister and boyfriend waiting to board our next flight to go to Costa Rica to see my mother, I realized two things in the middle of our conversation:

One, I am exactly like my mother. 

Two, that is a beautiful thing. 

Now, anyone who has heard me speak and share my story knows that when I talk about my parents, I always share, “They did the best they could with what they had,” which implies that they tried their best, and yes, there was still some harm done. 

Sharing that I am just like my mother doesn’t negate either of those statements. 

However, from this conversation, I wanted to invite myself to open up to this alternative thought, “I am just like her, and it’s a good thing.” It’s a thought that I realize that I owe to myself, future me, and even to little girl me. I deserve to welcome an occasional pause from the mental labor of constantly identifying which generational cycles I need to break and, in turn, point out a few patterns I have inherited from my mother and will continue to embrace. These are the gifts from my mother that I see in me: 

1. She’s generous. As I said before, from helping me with a car to my home, books as a kid, and anything I ever needed regarding a roof over my head and financial safety, she’s ensured I could have it. She grew up living in poverty in Costa Rica and worked so hard as an immigrant in the US. Her mission was to guarantee that her children didn’t struggle as she did. If she could take the shirt off her back for me or anyone in need, she would. You need something, and I have it? Let me share it with you. <3 
2. She’s so bright. My mother has always been excellent with numbers and budgeting, especially when she and my dad were small business owners in Brooklyn. They could save, buy the house I grew up in, and travel. Her mental math matches any whiz kid I have ever taught, and the more I learn about numbers since starting my own business, the more I realize that I have my mother’s strong number sense. 
3. She’s fiercely loyal to the people she’s close to and doesn’t care to force relationships. The few people in her circle are IN HER CIRCLE. I used to want to push myself to have more friends and maintain all sorts of relationships with extended family, but now, I embrace the few intimate relationships I have as gifts to nurture. I am confident in who I have connected with because I trust there is a reason they are in my life. 

If you’re reading this and have a complex relationship with a parent or guardian, I invite you to look at the positive things you’ve inherited from them IF you are open to that. If changing your perspective, even temporarily, will put you at risk of disregulating yourself, don’t. But if you are open to this shift in perspective, even as part of an exercise, ask yourself to reflect on these things:

1. What traits does this person have that are helpful to others?
2. What qualities does this person have that lit them up?
3. How do any of these traits show up in you?
4. How does recognizing these traits in yourself make you feel? 
5. How can you continue to nurture these qualities about yourself? 

I’m go grateful to have had this opportunity to reflect before getting on my next flight. Sending you warm love.

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