In this episode:
I share a story about my mother recently attempting to fat shame me, how I handled it, and I share strategies for how you can handle your loved ones.
Recommended Resources:
Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban
Set Boundaries Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
You’re Fat Honey. You’ve Got to Take Care of Yourself Blog Piece by Jessica Dueñas
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Transcript:
Hey, so today we’re gonna talk about our loved ones because they’re so precious to us. And just as precious as they are, they also have this amazing capacity to really set us off, right? So let’s talk a little bit about some strategies to employ to not cope in a manner that can be hurtful towards you. Like for me, that means not drinking, right? Or even eating in a harmful way, getting really emotional and down on myself. So… Story time. I was recently in Costa Rica visiting my mother. She’s an 84 year old woman. And I was visiting her with my sister and my boyfriend. And again, I highlight my mother’s age because it’s important to understand that she is of a fixed mindset. There are many people in their 80s who are still open to growth and learning and changing. My mother is not one of them. So I just wanted to like put that out there to start. So anyway, I was getting ready to go out and I was brushing my hair. And she just comes into the room and real casually and with like the sweetest voice. She’s like in Spanish, esta gorda mamita tiene que cuidarse. And meaning in English, you know, you’re fat honey to take the edge off, I guess. You’re fat honey. You’ve got to take care of yourself. Now, listen, I love, admire and I embrace several of my mother’s traits. I think she is an incredibly generous woman. She is. very smart, especially with numbers like she will count any whiz kid that I ever taught when I was a teacher under the table. So certain things about her are like these wonderful things. And I see some of those traits in me and I’m like, yay, I’m so glad I have them. But the body shaming part, the fat shaming part is definitely something that I have been working on cutting ties from and like releasing myself from that shit. So you know, my grandmother definitely practiced it. And again, my mother did and does too. And again, they do these things with the best of intentions, but our intentions don’t mean anything if we’re causing harm, right? So we’re still getting some terrible results from this well-intentioned fat shaming. And so I’ve just decided for me, it ends with me. I won’t drink over it, I won’t eat emotionally over it, and I won’t do it to other people just because that’s the way I was raised. I refuse to do that. you know, just because somebody’s aren’t elder, it doesn’t mean that they have it right. So anyway, when she said that though, like I want to put it out there because especially if you are early on in any kind of wellness journey, whether you’re in recovery from addiction or anything else, like I want you to understand that even with me doing this for some years now, two and a half years of not drinking, going to therapy, working with coaches, et cetera, when she called me fat, when she called me gorda the other day, it immediately took me right back in time. It was like throwing me back in Brooklyn when she was yelling at me for going to grab a second plate or throwing me back to that time that I was like caught by a coworker sneaking an extra drink and I was called out for maybe having a drinking problem. Right? Like that sinking feeling for me, that’s how I feel shame in my body. It’s like a sinking feeling. It feels like I’m going on a roller coaster without going for the actual ride. That’s exactly what I felt. And that’s despite the fact that I’ve done a lot of work to grow. And I do in general feel pretty good about myself. So I just say that to say, um, our bodies remember everything, even if we’ve done a lot of work to move past certain hurts. So just saying that. But I also say that because when you feel a feeling and you feel that manifestation in your body, it doesn’t mean that you’re actually in danger. Your body might think you’re in danger, right? Your mind might be processing whatever as a threat, but chances are you’re okay. Anyway, in the past though, when I would have had a comment like that from my mother, old me would have, number one, completely gotten defensive and argued with her. I would have been opening my phone, showing her pictures of me being at the gym and working out and being like, don’t you see? I am exercising. Why would you say that? I need to go exercise. I already do that. I would have just let… I would have been speaking from the wound instead of just not. Speaking of, speaking from the wound or acting from the wound, I would have been crying really hard in front of her, purposely trying to make her feel bad. It’s like, I’m hurt, now I want you to feel hurt. I would have started to spiral into the old narrative I used to really believe, which was that I wasn’t good enough. Then of course, as a result of that spiraling, I would have drank over it or I would have eaten emotionally over it. Frankly, I would have done that in an attempt to show her, which obviously is not showing her anything. So anyway, what I did instead, which I hope you find helpful, is that I walked away from her and I went into the other room. Again, she’s 84, she’s more delicate. Like I already said, she is of a complete fixed mindset, so nothing is changing her mind. And also, right, like when we set boundaries, we don’t change other people’s behaviors. We address our own behaviors in response to whatever they do that’s undesirable to us. So in my case, I can’t control her, but I sure as hell can control. me being in that conversation, so I got up and I left the room, right? The second thing that I did was I allowed myself to feel uncomfortable and feel that roller coaster sensation in my stomach because it’s just a feeling. It’s a temporary feeling and it can’t hurt me. As awkward and as painful as it is, it can’t literally come out of my body and kill me. So I just let myself ride the feeling for a little bit. And then I started to use self-talk to soothe myself. So here’s some examples of some of the things that I was telling myself. I’m safe, there’s nothing to be ashamed of, this one is a big one. My weight isn’t a reliable measure of health because when my weight was at its lowest, I drank a fifth a day. I am heavy because I’m strong. My mom is projecting old thinking passed down for generations that she hasn’t unlearned. And then the last thing I did when I was able to soothe myself and I got out of that mini upset, I celebrated my win and I told my sister and my boyfriend, hey, I didn’t lose my mind, woo, that’s a big deal. Because it is a really big deal, right? If you go through a situation like this with one of your loved ones, and you are able to feel the feelings, set up and hold a boundary, and stay true to yourself, that is a really big win. And again, family dynamics are complicated, so what worked for me may not work for you, but I do invite you to try the following steps. if you’re feeling emotionally set off by a family member. So like number one, set and hold the boundary by either saying you’re not accepting whatever they said that upset you or remove yourself from the conversation. Two, remind yourself that the unpleasant sensation that you’re feeling, right, like that shame or whatever you’re feeling, that is just your body perceiving a threat and you don’t have to drink over it. and you don’t have to use some other maladaptive coping strategy to deal with it. You can feel it and it’s not going to kill you. Three, use self-talk to debunk whatever nonsense your loved one just said. Or use a somatic strategy like breathing or grounding to soothe your body. And then the last thing is share your win with someone whether you are in a support group community and you go to your community or whether you just tell one person, send a text, make a phone call, but let some human know that you just experienced a win. So with that being said, I hope my lovely, uncomfortable situation and how I handled it is helpful for you. It is really hard. It can suck sometimes. Navigating relationships with people that we love can be incredibly difficult, but it’s also really difficult to continue to let them do the things and say the things that hurt us too. So hope you found this helpful and I will talk to you soon.
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