In this episode:
I discuss how I went from wanting to get sober (but still drinking) to actually becoming willing to do the work to get sober, including information on how I got my bipolar II diagnosis, being willing to use medication, deciding to get off prescription medication, and what I do today to maintain sobriety.
Resources:
National Institute of Mental Health – Bipolar Disorder
Bottomless to Sober – Blog, Writing Classes, Workshops, and Coaching Support
Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas
Hey everyone, so today we are doing my story since sobriety. In episode six, I pretty much told you everything that I could remember in terms of my life up until getting sober. So in this episode, I really wanna dive into the beginning of the alcohol-free journey, what that has looked like ever since, how it’s changed, and then also kind of like where I see it going. So I’ll go ahead and I’ll get started.
My sobriety date is November 28th of 2020. And as I mentioned in episode 6 2020 was the year where I had lost my boyfriend tragically Due to a drug overdose and between my own Shame and my addiction to alcohol that I wasn’t really addressing openly and then that grief Everything I completely just fell apart, right?
And so I had been hospitalized seven to eight times in facilities and hospitals, in hospital stays from three days all the way up to say five weeks. So my final hospital stay, it started on Halloween of 2020. So my own little horror story, right? I was doing another one of my classic relapses where I was staying with my sister because I was working remotely, schools in Kentucky were closed
all fully virtual because of the pandemic. So I was working in Tampa, but you know, working in Louisville, but out of Tampa. And I had ordered alcohol, she found it. I was ashamed, embarrassed. So I got in an Uber and I went to a bar not far from her house and she found me at the bar. I don’t know how I probably texted her to say that that’s where I was. At that point, we get into it and she’s like, you can’t come home. You know, like you have to go get help.
And I was like, well, if I can’t go home, then I’m just gonna be homeless. And I like sat down on the sidewalk thinking I was like big and bad or whatever. So she called 911 and I ended up in the hospital. And at the ER, I remember that I was so angry being at the ER, I just didn’t wanna be there. And everybody had stepped out of the room that I was in and I eyed a bottle of hand sanitizer, like off in the distance. It wasn’t that far off.
I get up, then I grab that bottle of sanitizer, I open it up and I like chug it back. And then I like jump back in the bed, fade to black. And by the time I come to, my sister had apparently Baker-acted me. Baker-acting in Florida is when somebody is a threat to themselves or to other people, you can say this person is a threat to themselves or other people, so they need to go into a psychiatric hold, which is exactly what happened to me. So by the time I come to in the psychiatric hold,
Obviously Halloween has come and gone and it’s like November 1st or so. I’m invited by the social worker that I’m having a conversation with to stay longer. She’s like, you can stay here for your psych hold for three days, 72 hours, or we can do a full psychiatric evaluation and dig into what you’ve got going on because it seems like you’re suffering a lot. Fair enough. Solid point. So I consented to stay. I w-
woke up in that hospital and I was like, this shit is not sustainable. I can’t keep doing this. This is exhausting. So exhausting. It was like I wanted to die, but couldn’t and wouldn’t, but it also just was no way to live. And so I feel like that was the moment where I finally became willing. And I’ve talked about this before in other spaces,
For me, wanting and willing are two different things. I can want sobriety. I wanted sobriety that whole time. Nobody, like I didn’t wanna keep going in and out of hospitals. I didn’t wanna wreck my car, right? I didn’t wanna give up five weeks of my life to be in one of the hospitals and being in the ICU. I didn’t want those things, but I also wasn’t willing to do whatever it took for me to avoid those situations as well.
And I point that out because a lot of times we are in that headspace of, Oh, I want to, I want to be this, I want to do that. But there’s wanting and then there’s willing. And in that moment of waking up full of exhaustion and frustration and anger, I finally had become willing. And so even though in the past, anytime I was in a treatment facility, as you all know, if you listen to the episode, my rehab story, you all know that I was
always paying attention to the social workers to figure out how I could get discharged. And this is the first time that one of them asked me if I wanted to stay and I said, yes, I’ll stay. So again, there’s that big switch from wanting to willing. So in that hospitalization, when I get evaluated, I meet with a psychiatrist and he jumps into my story and we notice that there’s patterns of
not me being depressed all the time, like consistently depressed, but me having these waves of incredibly crippling depression, right? Like starting from college where I stopped going to class abruptly and failed and lost my scholarship at Barnard College, a part of Columbia University, and lost that Ivy League scholarship. So I switched schools. Or times that as a teacher that I would go kill through, like just eat up my sick time and be left with nothing.
and like forced myself to come back to school. But otherwise, there were just always these periods of my life where I just suddenly like disappeared on everybody, right? And there were a couple other things that he noticed kind of talking about my work ethic, periods where I could go with very little sleep on occasion and just have like these moments of massive creativity, et cetera. He also noticed that I spoke really fast.
at the time. And it’s funny because I could talk really fast. I’m very intentional about slowing down how I speak, especially obviously right now I’m recording into a podcast mic, so I’m slowing down on purpose. And this man was like, Jessica, you have bipolar disorder, bipolar two to be specific. Let me tell you, when this man said that, I was like, oh my God,
Back then I used the term alcoholic. Not only am I an alcoholic, I’m bipolar too. I was like, oh, this is the worst news ever. And I started crying right then and there. And he’s like, whoa, like slow down. Like, why are you so upset? And I was like, again, old mindset, old thinking. I was like, because you’re telling me that I’m crazy. Mind you, I was already in a psychiatric facility, but whatever. I was so upset.
And you know, here’s the thing you all right? Like when you hear a diagnosis and you take it in, it’s hard to take it in, especially when you come from a family where people with mental illnesses are made fun of. We don’t talk about the actual mental illnesses that people are dealing with and the trauma that they’re dealing with. We don’t even talk about the people who are blatantly addicted to different substances, right? So obviously for me to sit there and have a man tell me that I have bipolar disorder, like I was expecting him to say that I have depression maybe, anxiety. I was expecting something generic.
quote unquote, run of the mill. But no, he hit me with the bipolar two diagnosis and that was a lot to take in. And he was like, Jessica, all I’m saying is, and he put it in layman’s terms, he’s just like, you go through waves of getting very depressed and it impacts you badly. And you’ve been self-medicating with alcohol to get through it. But he’s like, you self-medicate with alcohol enough times, you eventually become addicted.
When he said it like that, I was like, oh, okay, that makes sense. I can work with that. But then the powerful thing came next. When I said, so what do we do now? Right? Again, that switch from wanting to willing, because I’m asking him, all right, you’re giving me this information, what the hell can I do with it doc? Because I’m really tired of living how I’ve been living.
And so the next step was medication. Before I talk about medication, the other question I wanna tell you all that, the other question that I had for him, I was like, so have I always been bipolar? Like, where did this come from, right? And so basically the way he explained it, he was like, well, it’s kinda like the trick or the egg. He’s like, some people have psychiatric illnesses and they find substances to be soothing to them.
they use the substances, but because they’re addictive, they become addicted, which I kind of already said. And he’s like, on the other hand, some people start using the substances and the repeated use of the addictive substance because it’s so toxic, it changes your brain chemistry, which then creates the mental illness. And so he’s like, I honestly don’t have any way of telling you which one it is, but the point is, he’s like, right now, you can’t stay sober very long.
unless we do something to support the brain chemistry that you’re working with. And so he’s like, however your brain got that way, I don’t know, but we’ve got to medicate you so at least help give you like a fighting chance to overcome the addiction and then you can do the rest of the work. And so when he framed using medication like that, again, I was like, oh, okay. I can do that. It’s almost like if you break your leg, you get a cast on and then you get some crutches, you’re not going to need the crutches forever.
You just need it until your leg is healing, right? Or heals. So when he framed it in that manner, I was like, you know what? Let’s do this. Let, you know, bring on the pills, bring on the medications and let’s see what happens. Because again, I can’t keep living like this. So if you’re listening and you are having this debate about, well, do I use medication? Do I not use medication? Talk to your doctor, have that consultation with your doctor and tap into yourself and tap into your heart.
If you are feeling like you’re at a point where you’re only fighting chance at beating this damn addiction is to get some assistance, get the assistance. Don’t let anybody, don’t let social media, don’t let somebody who isn’t walking in your shoes make you feel any less than because you’re seeking assistance. Because I use, and I’m about to talk about it, lots of medications to help me get through. And you know what? Today…
I don’t use any medication, right? Because at a certain point, as we said, I didn’t need those crutches anymore. And some people need the crutches for the rest of their lives, right? Some people walk with a cane forever and that’s all good. So everybody just has to walk their own journey. But again, if you’re sitting there and you’re listening, you’re like, hmm, I wonder if I should, go have the consultation with the physician. Like it’s not gonna kill you to go sit in a doctor’s office and have the conversation.
You know, you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do, but I’m letting you know in my story, there was absolutely medication in the beginning. And so let’s dial it back to that time when go back to me being like, all right, well, what’s next? So we go through the medications with bipolar disorder, bipolar two specifically. He gave me a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant.
a sleep aid because I was having like major night terrors. And then he also gave me a medication to assist with alcohol cravings. The other thing that I wanted to mention in case I didn’t, the reason I was diagnosed with bipolar two versus standard bipolar one, in bipolar one you deal with manic episodes. I’ve never experienced manic episodes outside of hypomania. And hypomania is kind of like a more…
quote unquote chill version of a manic episode. So like, yeah, like sometimes I wouldn’t sleep as much. Not, yes, I would get like busy and creative and like produce a bunch of information, like lesson plans that were really creative and things like that. But really, I never lost touch with reality. I was never doing anything very risky. I mean, my drinking was risky, but even my drinking was happening more so in isolation, like in hermit mode in my apartment. So.
I never got diagnosed with a manic episode. So that was what differentiated bipolar one from bipolar two. Bipolar two, again, the heavy depressive waves. Anyway, so I had all those medications given to me. But the other thing that also happened when I was in treatment, again, cause like I said, this is about going from wanting to willing. So I became willing to use medications as a tool, which I was not willing to do before.
The other big thing that I became willing to do was I was willing to walk away from the job that I had. Like I said before in episode six, teaching was my passion. I had literally just won the Kentucky State Teacher of the Year award in 2019. Now in 2020, I’m sitting there and being like, I’ve got to walk away from this? Yes. Here’s why. As I’ve said before, the worst that I felt about my drinking.
the more that I dove into my work. And I did absolutely love my work with all my heart. And because as a kid, my teachers made me feel so loved when I didn’t always feel that. My teachers made me feel that I was more than what my appearance was, that I was more than what the outside could bring. Because of people like my educators that I had, I wanted to be that for my students.
But the problem was I really couldn’t separate in a healthy manner how I could do that for my students and then take time to take care of for myself. And honestly, I don’t even know how public school teachers do that today. So I knew that in order for me to really take the time to figure out this whole not drinking thing, things were gonna have to change drastically. And all that time that I struggled in 2020, I wasn’t willing to quit my job. I wasn’t willing, I wasn’t willing. I’d rather miss a couple days.
do family medical leave, you know, exhaust my sick time, I would do everything but resign. So in this facility, I was like, damn it, I’m gonna resign. I’ve got to, I’ve got to, like, I literally in my mind, while I was in treatment for this week, week and a half, I was like, I’m uprooting everything, everything. Some folks will say, don’t make any big decisions in your first year of sobriety. I made every big decision.
And so while I was in that facility, I wrote my resignation letter. I drafted it out in a little journal that they had so that I could type it up later when I got out. And I decided in that moment, I was done. So it was another thing I became willing to do. Then when I exited, I resigned. I gave in my couple weeks notice and I had accepted a position I applied for and I accepted a position with a tutoring company, something very low key that was not going to be…
taking a lot of my time. So by the time November 28th comes, right? I’d been taking the medications and kind of waiting for them to kick in. Psych meds do take several weeks to kick in you all, so it doesn’t happen overnight. I felt triggered over something and I don’t remember what it was. I did drink, but by that point,
the medications had started kicking in. And so you can say that my last episode of drinking was very anticlimactic, because I thought that by drinking, I was gonna end up spiraling and going to the hospital, but by the time I drank, it was like, ugh, that’s it? Like, that was my reaction.
I was going for the bottle to get some like major relief because again, I was triggered and I wanted to get out of my skin and get out of my head and like escape all the feelings. But when I had it, I just, it didn’t feel like anything. I felt flat because the medications, I mean that whole combination of medication, like damn, it better do something, right? All those meds. And so I like kept drinking and I got somewhat drunk, but it just,
it didn’t feel the same anymore. Something had happened. And obviously, like I said, you take that many medications, like something better be happening, right? And so November 28th came and that was my day one. And when I got to the end of that day one, it was like a fire was lit in me. Cause I was like, holy shit, like I’m not drinking, right?
Like I got through a day without alcohol and I actually didn’t really want it. Right. Do you know how amazing that feels? If you’re listening and you are sober and you are in recovery, you probably know what I’m talking about. If you’re in a space where you don’t miss the stuff to go from a lifetime of feeling addicted, like there were times you all that I felt like a fiend, right? There were times that like.
All it would do was like run through my mind day in and day out. That’s how I felt all the time with alcohol. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t live or breathe without knowing where the nearest liquor store was, how I was going to go get my next drink. Where could I hide it? Is someone going to find out? Am I going to get caught? Going through what felt like a lifetime of that to suddenly have the first 24 hours without an obsession.
for me was otherworldly. And so I was like, what’s next? I don’t wanna lose this. I don’t want to lose this. So suddenly the idea popped into my brain that I should tell my story. I’m going to resign on December 4th. Anyway, December 4th is my last day of work. I should go ahead and tell everyone exactly
what’s been going on. Because then maybe, just maybe, I might be able to break myself free from this. So I contacted a local journalist at the Louisville Career Journal and asked if I could write an op-ed and share my story.
She of course was like, yes. Because of course like, what newspaper is gonna be like, oh no, we don’t want the teacher of the year to tell us about their secret addiction. Like that’s crazy, right? Like of course they’re gonna want the readings and the clicks and all of that. So I got to write it, it was published, it went live December 3rd and it went viral. Like it literally blew up and went everywhere. But more importantly, I was freed.
I kid you not, I was freed. And again, you all, I have not had a drink since. And it was that shift from going from wanting to willing. Wanting to willing. So let’s talk a little bit about what support looked like back then and how it changed, okay? So in the beginning, like I obviously mentioned, I was taking medications.
Throughout the entire time that I was struggling, I was attending AA meetings on and off, mostly online, they were based in Kentucky. It was the only thing that I had ever been exposed to, it was the only thing that I had ever known. So I continued to attend AA meetings early on. I was paired with a psychiatrist, a therapist who was, excuse me, I have hiccups. I was paired with a psychiatrist, damn it, a therapist, when I first quit drinking.
through the clinic that was associated with the rehab that I had gone to, he was sober, but he didn’t attend 12-step programs. And he tried to like open my eyes a little bit to that, but I wasn’t trying to hear it. I was like, no, I’m good with AA. I have a sponsor, I’m good, I’m working the steps, et cetera. And that was fine. But a few months passed and I was five months sober and I got an email in my inbox and it was from a woman named Jennifer. I can’t remember her last name.
but she was like the executive producer of Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith. She’s like, hey Jessica, we read your op-ed that you wrote a couple months ago. We’d love to have you on the show. So I did a Zoom call with her, interviewed with her, and she really enjoyed talking to me, sent it off to the director, they approved it, and they flew me out a few days later to LA. A wild whirlwind, and I couldn’t tell anybody that I was doing this. It was like the biggest secret ever. So.
When I go to a table talk though, the craziest thing is that I met Katie from the Sober Black Girls Club. And then I also met Annie Grace, who is the author of This Naked Mind and also runs that program. And I remember just, again, being amazed to meet these women who I know were pretty high profile folks. And I remember being like, so what do your sponsors think? And they were both like, we don’t have sponsors.
And I was like, what do you mean you don’t have sponsors? And they were like, no, it was like, you don’t do AA? They were like, no, we don’t use AA. We use, you know, we just do our own thing, you know, like support groups, other types of groups. And when I saw these successful women who had been sober for years and realized that they don’t do 12-step programs, it planted a seed.
I didn’t like suddenly change everything that I was doing, but I really noted it because I was like, wow, they’re doing great and they’re thriving and they’re not in a 12 step program. But I thought that if I were to not do a 12 step program that I would die because that was the impression that I was given. And honestly, that was what I would see. I would see people in these 12 step programs that I had befriended and grown to really care for, including my own boyfriend. Right?
relapse and subsequently pass away. So in my mind, I was like, to leave the rooms equal death. But it’s not that black and white. I understand that now, right? So anyway, once I get back from my trip to California, can I start talking to my therapist? I’m like, hey, so I met these women. I was like, hey, they aren’t in AA and they’re doing okay. And…
I decided, well, my therapist was like, well, you’re working with me too, so you aren’t alone in your support. And she’s like, why don’t you see how it feels to not go to a meeting, specifically an AA meeting? Because again, for me, there were times that I didn’t necessarily feel great about the meetings I was attending, but again, it was all that I knew. And so there was one day that I like just didn’t attend a specific meeting.
And I kind of was waiting for the craving to drink to come and overtake me and like make me drive like a mad woman over to the bar or the liquor store, but nothing happened. And then I actually kind of felt happy that I didn’t go to that meeting because again, that specific space, it was just one that I wasn’t comfortable in. And so then it just happened again and again. And then I started getting online and looking at other programs and other spaces.
And over time, I found online community to become really powerful and resonating with me, more so than the 12-step spaces. So at the end, I stopped attending 12-step programs. By the time I hit six months sober, I never got a six-month chip. And again, I think that they save lives and shit. It was a safe space for me many, many times. But
We also always just have to look for what resonates with us. So again, if you’re here listening, look for where you feel comfortable. It’s absolutely okay to be picky about the spaces that you choose to spend your time in. It is absolutely okay. Don’t use those as an excuse to isolate and not be in community, but look around. There’s a lot, a lot of spaces out there.
So anyway, so yeah, so at about six months over, I decided to just like fully dive online. And then as time passed, I also decided to open up, actually at about three months over, I created my blog, Bottom List to Sober, where I decided that Ian, my boyfriend who passed, always talked about his story. And I wanted to dedicate that kind of work to him, the work of storytelling. And so,
My blog initially started off with me just interviewing people about their recovery stories and typing them up and sharing them. And you know, the blog just continued to grow. And I decided at one point, like at about a year or over a year sober, I decided that I also wanted to focus my energy on helping others. And so I learned about life coaching. I took some courses, got certified there. And then…
I just, again, continued to stay online, continued connecting with other people, and eventually stumbled upon Reframe. And I started working on Reframe, and even more time passed. And I started working, this is now more, say 2023, with the Luckiest Club. Other things that I’ve done, I’ve joined the National Association of Addiction Professionals, NADAC. I may be saying that wrong.
But it’s a great source for continued education in terms of just anything recovery based education. And I would say that now my recovery has also changed because about eight, nine months ago, before I hit two years sober, I made the decision with my doctor to stop taking psych meds. I was so scared you all to make that decision.
because I was like, oh my gosh, what if I stop and what if I spiral out of control, right? And like go straight to the liquor store. I always remember when I was checking out of treatment, the last facility, you know, one of the techs, which is like the people that work there, like an assist with everything, you know, he was like, oh, make sure you don’t stop taking those meds, otherwise you’ll end up right back here. And that really stuck with me. So when I was thinking about like, do I really need to still take meds? That guy’s message.
really was stuck in my brain. But my therapist was like, we don’t have to do it abruptly, because that’s not safe, but we can do it, we can taper appropriately, and we did that without disclosing details, so none of you just go off and do this on your own. Again, I want you, any decisions that you make, I want you to do them with a professional working with you. But we transitioned me off of medication, and
Now it’s probably been, yeah, that was in September of 2022, and we’re in July, so it’s been a long time. It has been a long time, you all. And I am here, it’s been 10 months without psych meds, and I haven’t experienced any depressive episodes, and I haven’t experienced anything that I would consider to be manic or hypomanic. And again, that question of the chicken and the egg comes back. Did I?
Do I have bipolar? Bipolar two? Was it the alcohol? Has my brain healed? I know my liver has healed, right? So many good questions that I’m always gonna explore and I’m always gonna continue to learn and figure that out. But ultimately, at this point, I really don’t want to drink. I hope I never drink again. I don’t see that in my future, but I never like to say never,
You’d never know. But what my recovery looks like today is a lot of being just really in touch with my feelings and letting myself feel my feelings and not escaping them and understanding that everything is absolutely temporary. What I do the most today is dive into texts. Reading is really powerful for me. So is writing. And…
really unpacking the thoughts that dance around in my head has been incredibly powerful. So before diving into my thoughts would be triggering because I wouldn’t understand that so many of my thoughts were not necessarily based in reality, right? Like so many insecurities I thought were real when I realized that I was just believing beliefs that were handed to me that I didn’t examine if they resonated with me. And so…
I know that probably sounds really like wishy washy or like very woo woo, but nowadays that’s what keeps me sober. It’s the ability to really pick apart my own thoughts and kind of like coach myself into like, oh, that doesn’t make sense, Jess, or yeah, that makes sense, but what are you going to do about it? Right? Continuing to work with a therapist. I’m in a group coaching program, so I always have access to a coach also to kind of like
dive into my thinking and my work. But I would say that that’s how my recovery has transformed. Certain things that I tried doing, I once was very into the super structured morning routine. I’ve gotta meditate and journal and pray and do all these different things. I have to do 10 things before my day starts. I stopped doing all that. I sometimes meditate, I sometimes don’t. I let my body be my guide.
If I have to slow down and pause, then I feel the need to slow down and pause, then I do it. If I feel the need to have a spiritual connection and pray to a higher power of my choice, I do, but I don’t force it. And that’s almost been like my greatest takeaway. There isn’t anything that I’m forcing myself to do now. Same thing with exercise. Exercise can feel very therapeutic and…
Sometimes I do it and you know, any of you who follow me on Instagram see that I’ll lift the hell out of something. And then there’s other times that I don’t feel like it and I just don’t do it. And so a huge part of me staying sober today is I do what I feel like doing and I don’t force myself to do anything that doesn’t feel right. And that has been working for me.
and I stay in community. I talk, I share, I stay absolutely connected. And like I said, I spend a lot of time reading about how the brain works. Been diving into books a lot to really just understand the science of this crazy shit. And it’s been really powerful. So as I sit here, I feel pretty content about how I explained my life since recovery.
And honestly, I’m excited to see where it continues. It’s been a hell of a journey. I’m incredibly grateful for it. I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunity to record it and to have you listen. So with that, I’m gonna stop there. If you’re listening to this as it airs, a couple cool things I’ve got going on. This weekend, I am hosting a, I’m starting my six-week writing program, Writing for Healing. You can register.
at bottomliststosober.com for the six week program. It also includes a one-on-one with me in your writing, because storytelling saves lives. So just that reminder, storytelling saves lives. So come join me so that I can help you with telling your story. And then on Sunday, July 16th, I’m hosting a one-time workshop where we talk about goal setting with, I’m co-facilitating that with Dr. Diane Marie. She’s…
phenomenal. She’s a phenomenal coach and I’m really excited for that opportunity. And so if you’re feeling stuck about your goals, I’m like, what the hell am I doing this point in the year? Come join us. Um, it’s 15 bucks to do that. And it’s like literally the cost of what it would be like to get Starbucks for you and a friend, except it’s a self investment and that and other opportunities you can find at my site, bottomlesstosober.com. Thanks you all so much for listening. Have an awesome, beautiful, beautiful day. Take care.
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