In this episode:
I talk through the process of identifying that which is in our control (or not) in order to help alleviate stress. I also walk through a journal exercise you can do on your own, or you can grab a free worksheet if you prefer to print and do this exercise on a handout.
Resources:
What Is In My Control Worksheet
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Writing Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas (00:01.59)
Hey everyone, in today’s episode, we are going to talk a little bit about how we really have to let go of trying to control things that are outside of our control. And the reason I’m saying this as a message to you in the podcast is because it’s a message that I honestly need. And so it helps me by talking about it on here. Also, to be honest, I’ve noticed that it’s been kind of coming up as a theme, right? Like that we are giving our energy and time and stress over to things.
that honestly are out of our control. And that’s energy that we could be putting into ourselves. Because if we put that energy into ourselves, that’s change that we can actually affect, but we can’t change our jobs. We can change jobs that we can’t change the job that we have. We can’t change the people that we’re dealing with, but we can change who we deal with. Right. And so this episode is really about acknowledging where we have power and where we don’t so that we can take all that energy and use it productively. Because again,
It’s not worth, especially if you’re listening to this and you are a person in recovery, you’re quitting drinking, et cetera, it’s not worth giving your mental energy to a space where it’s just going into the void, right? So this episode is accompanied by a worksheet that I made. You can find the link to this worksheet in the show notes. You’re more than welcome to follow along with that worksheet, or you can just kind of follow along, use a journal, et cetera. But first I wanna start off by reading a quote
from the book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, and this is by Nadra Tawab. And she wrote, “‘Nothing other people do is because of you. “‘It’s because of themselves. “‘All people live in their own dream and their own mind. “‘Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, “‘they really have nothing to do with you. “‘I constantly work with my clients “‘to depersonalize events and interactions with others.
When we personalize, we negate the personal story and history of the other people involved. Personalizing assumes that everything is about us. And I really appreciate that quote because at the end of the day, the world really doesn’t revolve around us. We might feel like it does because obviously we are looking at everything through our lens.
But if we step outside of ourselves, everybody really is just walking around in a bubble of their own personal lived experiences. And so when people do things, it really has nothing to do with us, even when it really feels like it is at us, that there’s always something going on there. So just that invitation that if tomorrow someone says something to you that frustrates you, it’s okay to feel frustrated because you’re a human and that’s a part of the human experience, but I invite you to think.
I wonder what’s going on with them that made them talk like that to me. I’m not saying become a doormat and accept terrible behavior and people talking to you all sorts of ways, but what I am inviting you to do is to work on detaching yourself emotionally from what people might say to you sometimes. But anyway, I digress. So if you have the worksheet, it’s there for you or in your journal or in your brain or in your device, however you wanna do this.
I want you to think about different areas of your life right now that you may be struggling with emotionally. So maybe it’s work has been pissing you off, or maybe it’s your romantic partner or your perspective romantic partner. Maybe it’s a friend or a family member. But I want you to take a moment and just jot down maybe two or three different areas of your life where like right now you are finding yourself struggling with.
Body image is another one that just jumped into my mind, right? So just kind of like a free for all. Now you’re going to do this separately for each area, but we’re going to pick an area and in that area, I want you to draw a T chart. So on one side on the left side, you’re going to title that side. What about this is not in my control? And then on the right side, you’re going to title it. What about this is in my control? Now the reason I’m wanting you to write this out,
and visualize it is because visualization is a really powerful way sometimes for us to wrap our mind around things. And I know a lot of people when they’re told, oh, go journal, journaling seems weird if you don’t really have a structure with how to write. So if I give you a specific tea chart, right, with a specific title, it’s going to help you generate ideas. And then you also see it in front of you and it’s easier for you to digest it in your brain. So what about this is not in my control? What about this is not?
I’m sorry, what about this is not in my control? What about this is in my control? And then skip down, because you’re gonna give yourself some space to write. And at the bottom of the sheet, you’re going to write, what questions can I ask myself when I feel set off? Right? So if you have the handout, there’s a second page where I kind of go through this on my own and just kind of model it, right? So on the second page, I’m pretty much using myself as an example.
And I want to emphasize that this is not an example of a right answer. I just threw something out there. So let’s close our eyes and transport ourselves to Jessica in mid 2022. I just picked a random time. Um, at that point, to give you all some context in terms of what was going on in my life, I was dating, but not in a relationship. I hadn’t met my current partner. Um, I was growing increasingly frustrated at work. I was getting ready to visit my mom at that point in the summertime and
you know, visiting her is always stressful because I’m always waiting for her to comment on something about my appearance. Anyway, I’m gonna pick one of those areas and I’m going to follow the directions that I just gave you. So I have the T chart on the left side. I have what about this is not in my control? And on the right side, I have what about this is in my control? So for, I picked myself as the topic just in general. And so on the left-hand side, I wrote,
Things about myself that I cannot necessarily control. If I have a craving, right? And my cravings are not just for alcohol, but sometimes I struggle, say, with food and other things. So just impulses, right? So cravings, when they pop up, again, I’m a human, and I’m a human who was once fiercely addicted to an addictive substance. So when my brain gets set off on occasion, I can’t help it that it does that.
And that’s okay. And I can be forgiving of myself for that. Next, another thing that I can’t control are my initial thoughts and feelings when something happens, when something is said, when I have a sensory experience of processing something that happens, right? So if I see someone on the road swerve, my initial thought might be, oh my God, I’m gonna crash, right? That’s an initial thought, which leads to feeling fearful.
I can’t help that. That’s an automatic response of mine, but I can control how I react. I can control what I do with that thought or with that feeling, but I’m not on that column yet. Another thing I just threw out there in terms of what is something that I cannot control are the things that happen outside of me, like people’s actions, decisions that are made at my job, et cetera. And you can apply this to dating. You can apply this to anything. But…
I want you to think about what else is outside of your control, right? Especially in any area that might be bothering you. So now I want to focus on what is in your control or in my case, in my control. So what I listed was I’m in control of how I choose to react to cravings or feelings or thoughts, right? I can have that initial feeling and thought and be kind to myself for having it.
And especially with regard to craving alcohol or other things you might be addicted to you all, I really want for you to understand to practice Greece with yourself. Because again, you at some point were heavily addicted, well, maybe not heavily, but you were addicted or struggling to let go of an addictive substance, right? So you were being a perfectly functional human with a perfectly functional brain when your functional brain…
acted accordingly and got addicted or found itself liking alcohol or other substances a whole lot. So when you have a craving, those sit there and be angry with yourself. Say something like, oh, this makes sense. Neurologically, this makes sense. I mean, I don’t know if you talk like that. That might be a little, a bit much to be like neurologically, this makes sense, but you get what I mean. Be kind to yourself when you have an initial craving. Be kind to yourself at whatever feeling or thought jumps out when you experience something. Because again, that’s just…
your brain and your body responding to stimuli. With that being said, you can then control or choose how you react or act based off those things. So if you are feeling fearful and you’re driving that car and something suddenly jumps out at you, you can choose to panic, right? And maybe drive in a slightly erratic manner that may not be safe, or you can pause.
take a deep breath and remind yourself you’re still safe. And the safest thing to do is to drive safely and like keep an eye on your peripherals, right? Slow down, drive defensively, et cetera. Same thing with the craving. You can have the craving and run straight to the liquor store and buy alcohol, or you can have the craving and choose to set a timer, choose to tell yourself, if I’m still having this craving in 15 minutes, I’ll think about it. But for right now, it is not an option for 15 minutes, right? There’s a lot that you can do.
when you are set off to either give yourself time to react or to say, I’m not going to react in any specific way. I’m going to change my actions. And then the last thing that I just threw in there in terms of my notes of what is in my control is that I’m in control of being able to take action to change circumstances I don’t like. So if for example, I’m at a job and I don’t like the way the company is going, I
can choose to continue to stay there and continue to be frustrated, or I can choose to create an exit plan, which might include updating my resume, starting to look online at job postings, et cetera. Right? So I am in control of those things. I can’t change the job. I can go to the CEO and make a complaint, but it’s, I might not be able to change anything, but I can change where I work. Same thing with dating. Right? I may, I can’t control
If someone is into me, I can’t control how someone chooses to communicate with me. I can’t control how someone acts, but I can choose to entertain that person or not if I don’t like what they’re doing. That is what I’m in control of. So kind of transitioning then into the next part of that activity is what questions can I ask myself when I feel set off? And I listed a few, but honestly, I want you to think about what can you ask yourself?
I wonder why I’m upset. What is it about the situation that is bothering me? I wonder what’s going on with that person that they seem upset, right? Again, being curious is really helpful. In terms of what I actually listed on my worksheet, I put, am I trying to manage an outcome? Because that’s a pretty good sign of if I’m trying to control something or not, right? Am I trying to push for a specific outcome? Am I trying to control how someone else is acting, right? Am I getting into
putting expectations on other people’s behaviors because I am not here to control other people. We are not here to control other people. Then the next one is, is this situation in general? Is this situation even in my control? Because if not, let me release it. And if it is, what action can I take to change the situation that it is? And then the last one that I always recommend for folks to kind of think about is
Do I need to take a break and come back to this? So if someone sends you a text message and that text message, your initial reaction is anger and you want to respond, I’m not saying it’s wrong for you to feel angry. Feel the anger, but give yourself a moment to pause and think about if you need to react to it, if it’s something that’s in your control, or if it’s something that you can let go of, right? So food for thought, even just slowing yourself down a little bit.
can be incredibly empowering because if something does warrant your reaction, you can react with confidence because you know you weren’t just jumping the gun with whatever you said in response. So I kind of just wanted to really talk about that because for a lot of people, again, we really can lose sight of what’s important and what really matters when we are trying to control outcomes, control other people’s behaviors.
control how systems that we might be a part of do things. Whereas we can sometimes elect to opt out of dealing with certain people, elect to opt out of working in certain places and really put our energy into that which can grow, that which can change, which at the end of the day, that’s us. So that is all I have for you. Again, I have a worksheet. That free worksheet is available. The link is in the show notes.
And then of course if you want to work with me feel free to schedule a one-to-one coaching session I am open for clients. You can do that on my website at bottomless to sober Calm take care of yourselves, and I hope everyone has an awesome day. Take care
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