In this episode:
I share my recovery story a lot, but in this episode, I sit down with my big sis, Sofia, to have a raw conversation about her part in my story of addiction and recovery. Several key things we discuss in this episode:
- Professional help. The person with the addiction isn’t the only one who benefits from it.
- Managing guilt.
- Understanding what is in your locus of control.
- Setting boundaries.
- Current worries.
If this episode touches your heart, you MAY feel inspired to follow my sister Sofia or say hello. Sofia’s boundary is she will not welcome strangers following her/adding her as a friend, so if you listen to this and want to send her a message, please message me, and I’ll pass it on to her. 🙂
Resources:
Bipolar I vs Bipolar II: Breaking Down The Differences
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Writing Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas (00:02.204)
Hey everyone, super happy to have you. So this episode is really near and dear to me because my first ever guest is actually my sister, Sofia. I call her Sophie, but you all don’t know her. So she is Sofia to anyone listening to this. And basically just to kind of give you all some context. So I am the youngest of a combined eight kids between my mom and dad. And so my sister Sofia, she’s the seventh, but
Sofia (00:17.134)
Thanks for watching!
Jessica Dueñas (00:30.644)
because our parents came to the US kind of like with already their older kids having been born and staying in their respective countries, Sophie and I really grew up together. And so a couple of cool things, Sophie is 11 years older than me and she got to name me. Thank God, because if I had been a boy, my mom would have named me Eduardo. So I don’t even know what my name would have been if my mom had named me. So Jessica came from my sister naming me. So she did a good choice there.
And honestly, she, thank you. And you know, and really I asked her to come on because I think it’s really important that we also consider the perspective of our loved ones. And when I struggled so much, she was there for me in ways that I, I mean, there’s no repaying it, right? All I can do is just continue to walk the path that I walk. And I feel like that’s the best that I can do. Chrissy, my dog decided to start playing with the bone now.
Sofia (00:58.902)
You’re welcome.
Jessica Dueñas (01:25.788)
But yeah, I thought that having her on would be really helpful if you’re listening and you have a loved one or if you are a loved one and you’re listening and you’re kind of just hoping. So here’s some perspective. I hope that you get something from this. And again, nothing that we’re offering is advice, but it’s just a perspective that may be helpful. So with that, thank you, Sophie, for coming. I appreciate you.
Sofia (01:46.926)
Well, thank you for having me. I’m honored to be the first guest.
Jessica Dueñas (01:50.484)
Yes, you’re always the most special person. So, all right, so the first question really that I have, and again, with my drinking, right, what was it like dealing with me in active addiction, especially when you found out that this was a struggle I was keeping from you?
Sofia (02:08.97)
I mean, it was so much, it was kind of overwhelming because the timeline of it all, we were like in the middle of COVID as well. It was very, very frightening, very scary because our family has a pretty extensive history of alcohol addiction, but I had never…
seen it to this level. And I was very much afraid for your life. And it’s a sense of helplessness because this person that you love so much and you just wanna be able to fix it. And as a big sister, I wanna come in, I wanna save the day, I wanna be able to fix it, but having to accept that there is really nothing that I can do.
Um, it’s, it’s a very kind of helpless place to be. Um, and, and frustrating because, you know, knowing you, and I know what an intelligent, bright individual you are. And I knew that like, intellectually you knew that you needed to stop doing this. And.
Also knowing that you kind of knew how to work the system. You knew the right things to say to let people or make people think that, oh no, I’ve got it under control. Like I’m good, I’ve got this, no problems. Yes, I know I’m drinking too much, but I’ve got it under control. That was just, that was frustrating for me because I knew that you…
You knew you needed help, but you weren’t in a place where you were, I think, accepting how serious this problem was really, was just affecting your life and your health, and that you were really at risk. That was really difficult.
Jessica Dueñas (04:24.84)
Yeah, thank you for that. And I mean, it’s funny because in my writing, I often reflect on how good I am at knowing what the right things to say are. And I have to look out for that today. Like I have to be very intentional with sharing with you or with Rashard or anybody, like I’m not okay because I’m such a good actor, right? And it’s like, I still have to watch out for that today and just…
practice that transparency because it’s so easy. You know, we learned it in our family to just always put up the front of being strong. You know, it’s like I feel like that’s very ingrained in our family history. One thing that kind of came up for me while you were talking, you mentioned helplessness and accepting that you couldn’t kind of like control me or the outcome. At what point did you understand that you were helpless in that or like, you know, that you couldn’t control me? And at what point, like how did that help you kind of?
hope, so to speak, if that helped or was it, did that make that worse?
Sofia (05:22.539)
I mean, to be honest, I ended up having to go to therapy myself because, you know, I don’t want to say I’m a controlling person, but you know, I’m used to being the person, the go-to person when something goes wrong. I fix it. I come up with solutions. And, you know, this was one of those situations where…
I really couldn’t do anything and I didn’t know how to deal with that. So it was affecting me. You know, I was, I had anxiety. I was a nervous wreck. And again, this is just one of those things that was in addition to the whole situation that we were living through at that time. So we just kind of compounded that and you know, I’m in healthcare. So it was just so hard and, and you know, really brought to light.
that life is so precious and it’s fragile. And I really truly, every time the phone rang and I saw that area code, I was always afraid what was gonna be on the other end of that line. Is this gonna be the call telling me that something happened to you? And having the idea of like, how am I gonna explain this to mommy? How do I say it? I couldn’t, there was nothing I could do.
It was, so I had to seek help for myself. You know, I finally got to the point and actually my supervisor told me, she’s like, you know, you have anxiety because I never dealt with anxiety before and I honestly couldn’t recognize it in myself, but you know, I wasn’t sleeping well, I was having trouble concentrating, you know, all the classic signs of anxiety. And so, you know, I did seek help for myself and.
You know, it was hard to accept and I don’t know if I ever truly accepted it, but I just had to deal.
Jessica Dueñas (07:27.839)
Yeah.
Well, thank you for that. I’m glad that you got help. And again, anybody who’s listening, right? Like if you don’t know what to do, like A, it’s okay to not know what to do. And B, there are resources out there. So you did therapy. Any other support systems that you leaned on during this time?
Sofia (07:46.67)
Um, you know, of course I have like, I have wonderful friends, um, you know, that just kind of listened to me, supported me, you know, again, there’s, there’s no right answer. Um, but, you know, they just understood, um, where I was coming from, you know, cause we all have loved ones, you know, and it’s kind of like, you know, you see someone on a train track and you see the train is coming and
that person just will not get out of the way. Like no matter what you do, like you can’t pull them off, you can’t push them off. And that’s all you wanna do. You wanna get them out of the harm’s way. And just, you know, it’s very, it’s hard to watch someone you love spiraling and hurting. You want, you just wanna be able to, you know, make them better, stop the hurt and…
not being able to do that for them, especially in a situation. I think like, you know, and I’m sure as like, if it’s a parent with a child, you know, you want to protect them. And, you know, me being your older sister, like I’ve always kind of been like in that like second mom role, even though obviously, as we’ve gotten older, our relationship has changed and became more of like a friendship than like me, you know, taking care of you. But
you know, that doesn’t ever really go away. And so, you know, it’s difficult to just let someone you love, you know, go through that process, whatever comes and just, you know, I just kind of got to the point where I was like, well, I will just be here, you know, in whatever capacity I can be and, you know, even though I hated it, I had to accept that I can’t, I can’t do this for you. This was.
work that you had to do for yourself.
Jessica Dueñas (09:46.996)
Absolutely. And again, for anyone listening, relinquishing that control is so powerful for whether you’re in recovery or you have a loved one, right? Just understanding that we really can’t control other people and outcomes. And that’s such a hard thing to accept, but I mean, I feel like it’s just super, super critical. Another thing I wanted to talk about was, and also actually to give context, so Sophie
caretaker role. So again, for anyone listening, there’s an 11 year age gap, right? And growing up, our parents were self employed, and they had like this little store in Brooklyn. So oftentimes, Sophie was tasked with being basically, yeah, like a like the second mom, you know, so I spent like, I mean, I used to go on Sophie’s first dates because she had no, there’s no babysitter. So I would go on Sophie’s dates with her.
Sofia (10:36.11)
I’m sorry.
Jessica Dueñas (10:40.564)
So just to give you context, I was always, always there. And we were super close. But yeah, our relationship has changed drastically once I grew. So the other question I had for you was, you know, I now, when I tell my story, right, like I openly admit to having struggled with alcohol for many, many years. You know, and I’ve probably known that I had a problem since.
you know, before I married Chris. So let’s say that’s like, what, 2011, 2010, you all, I’m not married to Chris anymore. Chris is my ex-husband’s name. But before, so if I knew I had a problem since probably say, 2011, 2010, and you didn’t find out about my problem until say about 2019, like that, that winter with the holidays and stuff when, so what, when you realize that I had a problem, right?
Sofia (11:13.088)
Mm-hmm.
Sofia (11:27.702)
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Jessica Dueñas (11:36.18)
What was your reaction to me having kept it a secret for so long?
Sofia (11:42.782)
I mean, it was shock, honestly. You know, and now like looking back, looking back, you know, I see that there were signs, but I think, you know, because I just, I could not like wrap my brain around it, or I would always kind of find another reason, like something, you know, I remember there were times.
Very few times but once or twice you called me and now I know you were drunk but because I would I could never kind of Assign that to you like I wouldn’t I would not you know if anyone said to me Oh, if someone’s gonna have a drinking problem the last person I would think would be you know And so I think I was in a little bit of denial. You know, I remember when you were in college
And you would tell me stories about stuff and I’m like, golly, like you’re partying a little hard. But I also like, well, you know, you’re in college, it’s your first time away from home. And, you know, we grew up in a pretty strict household. So I just kind of chalked it up to like, well, you know, you’re letting your hair down and you’re just having a good time. Not, you know, a little concerned, you know, for your safety, but never thinking it was like a real serious problem.
And, you know, so many times like we would travel together and you wouldn’t even have a drink. You know, you would just have so it’s like I never saw you drink. You never drink around me. And so it was all kind of like what I honestly I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. I was like, what is happening here? And you know, the way that I found out, you know, and do you mind if I tell the story?
Jessica Dueñas (13:36.271)
Nope, go for it, that’s fine.
Sofia (13:38.002)
Okay, so, you know, it was, it was the holidays, it was Christmas. And, you know, I am not a drinker. My ex-husband also was not a drinker, but I loved entertaining. Um, so I would always have people over and, you know, people come over, they always bring something and normally it was, you know, a bottle of whatever alcohol. And so I had quite a nice stock of alcohol in my house because I never drink it. And I would just collect.
collect and then I would bring them out whenever I had a party whatever but never even thought twice about it and so you know we had a big Christmas party or holiday party and you were here and you know I’m in the middle of the night you know Olivia my oldest daughter comes in and wakes me up and is like mom like something’s wrong with Jessica you know
So I’m like, Oh my gosh, what happened? And I, you know, run in there and by the time I came in, you were getting up, but she found you like passed out on the floor. Um, and then I, you know, in the kitchen, there’s like bottles and I’m like, what, what is going on? Like, you know, my main concern at that point was like, are you okay? But then once it started sinking in and then you admitted to me that, you know, you’ve been struggling with alcohol. Like.
One, my immediate feeling was a huge amount of guilt because I had all this alcohol in the house. Like, had I known, all of that crap would have been in the garbage because I couldn’t care less about it. You know, so that was my, I felt horrible that I, you know, had all this stuff out here for you to just access. But you know, again, and that was one of the things that I had to work through in therapy was like, you know,
I had no idea. And so it wasn’t my fault that I had alcohol in the house because I just didn’t know. And then, you know, sadness because you were so sad. Like you felt so broken to me when you like finally admitted what was happening. And that made me like that broke my heart. That you were
going through this by yourself and you felt like you had to keep it from me. Um, because you know, my main concern is you and like, doesn’t matter what’s happening, like I’m always going to be there for you. So it was a lot. It was just a lot to take in and to process because, you know, thinking like how long this had been going on and you know,
just finding out this way was just, it was jarring, you know, for like so many different reasons. And then understanding that all of these times that you were telling me, you know, that you were checking yourself in because you were depressed, but it was really you going into rehab. And, you know, feeling bad also that I didn’t probe
more, not to say that you were going to tell me even if I had, because I think, you know, until you were just ready to do it. And I almost thought that had to happen the way that it happened.
for me to fully understand how serious this was. Cause if you had just told me over the phone, again, knowing you, you would have said the right words and you would have made it sound like, oh, it’s not that bad. I know I’m just drinking a little bit too much and I’m gonna, like, you know. And as a matter of fact, you did one time I was visiting you in Kentucky and…
we went to an AA meeting together because you said that you were just drinking a little bit too much and you wanted to get it under control. So again, I was like, oh, that’s great. I’m so glad that you’re doing that. But I didn’t probe deeper because you know, you’ve always been just such a put together person that I assumed like, yeah, you do got this. Like you’re fine. And that’s why like it was just shocking to me because, you know.
It really brought home the fact that alcoholism, alcohol abuse can affect anyone. Like nobody’s immune to it. It doesn’t matter how educated you are. If you’re a professional, like, you know, we always assume, I think we have a picture in our minds that, you know, people are people that are downtrodden and, you know, on hard times.
Jessica Dueñas (18:21.907)
Mm-hmm.
Sofia (18:40.622)
are people that are struggling with alcohol abuse, but that’s not true. You know, it’s really, no one is immune to it. It doesn’t matter where you are in your life or how much you have, how educated, how professional you are. It can, you know, it can touch anyone.
Jessica Dueñas (19:01.697)
Yeah, it really can. And I mean, you know, it’s, I’ve been muting my microphone while you’re sharing just to avoid cruise in the background, making random noises. But you know, like when you were sharing the story of, you know, only finding me, you know, it’s like I felt that same like sadness just like wash over me again. And like I got really, really teary eyed. And I mean, I’m just like, I’m so glad I’m not, I’m really glad I’m not there anymore. And I’m so glad to have found like
genuine recovery because I remember that moment. And that also brings me back to, because I went to treatment when I flew back to Kentucky after that incident, I did go back into treatment and winter break was still going on. So no one at work knew what had happened either. And we are like sitting in a staff circle, like our first day back and we’re doing professional development. And they’re like, oh, share something about your winter break. And I just start crying because I don’t wanna say, well, I spent my winter break in rehab.
Sofia (19:36.881)
Yeah.
Sofia (19:53.25)
Yeah.
Jessica Dueñas (19:58.248)
You know, like it was, that was so, so painful. And the other thing too, that you said that stood out, you know, you mentioned that, you know, all those years, like we would travel and you know, you would never see me drink. And it was like, yeah, like I learned to really become a mirror and just mirror people’s whatever, however people were drinking. That’s what I always matched so that I wouldn’t stand out. And then that day, of course, like I had been holding back.
you know, I hadn’t been drinking. And then I got to the holiday party and there was all that stuff there. And I was like, oh, you know, thinking I could do it. And of course I like went overboard. Cause you know, with addiction, it’s just like, it’s that shame and that guilt just cause you to spiral. But yeah, I’m glad. I’m so glad that is not my story today. But the other thing I did want to ask you about is the today, right? Like it’s been, you know, thank God over two and a half years at the time of this recording.
Um, cause we’re recording this in July of 2023. If you’re listening at some random other point in the future. So it’s been about two and a half years since I got sober. Um, what is it like now for you? Like, do you ever worry about me relapsing now? Kind of like, where’s your head space around that?
Sofia (21:12.874)
Um, no. Well, to be honest, I was a little worried, like, of you moving out, because, you know, for background, like, Jessica came to live with me, you know, in what was that, 2020, right? You know, because at that time, everybody was working remote, and it just, you know, she was by herself in Kentucky, and that just was not working.
Jessica Dueñas (21:32.864)
Yeah.
Sofia (21:41.438)
Um, so she came to stay with me and she was working remotely. So it was kind of like an easy transition. You know, she and Cruz came to stay here. Um, and so, you know, I did worry. Like what would happen if you were to move out by yourself, you know, because I do think that, you know, loneliness, um, can play into that sometimes. Um, and so.
Like I was so happy with the way that you did move out because I felt like it was a great middle ground where you’re like on your own but very close to support people as well. So you’re not like by yourself. And if you ever felt like you needed to, you know have interaction with someone, like there’s people all around, so to speak, you know that’s the only thing that worried me but honestly not really.
that you would relapse, but more that you would just struggle a little bit with loneliness and those types of feelings. But I feel like you have really done so much work and learned so many coping skills and just like a self-awareness about yourself that when you are feeling a certain type of way that you address it right away. And that’s one thing. You know.
denial is a terrible thing, you know, and I think really being aware and being honest and open with yourself when you are struggling and you know you’ve come so far in being open and asking for help when you need the help that I don’t worry about that anymore. Like I feel like you you’ve just made and in our family again we tend to
We had to unlearn those things, you know, and learn how to ask for help because it’s always, you know, feelings get squashed, feelings get put away and you just, you know, you know, I’m fine, I’m fine, we’re good, we’re good, even when we’re not. So I think like you have come like, and done a complete 180 where now when you need help, you just ask for help and you’re aware of when you’re feeling that way.
Jessica Dueñas (23:41.58)
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Sofia (24:02.026)
So I think you have all the tools to maintain your sobriety.
Jessica Dueñas (24:08.628)
Yeah. I mean, I think definitely there’s been a lot of unlearning of previous like programming from like childhood that I’ve had to do. And then yes, like for all that unlearning that I had to do, you know, soaking in all sorts of tools and strategies that have helped me. And so to give anyone who’s listening context, so I guess I live with my sister up until March of 2023 and I do live on my own, but
because of my work, I get to live on a college campus, which is really amazing. And my partner lives really, really close by actually. So, you know, when I first moved in with my sister, I was like, all right, I’m never moving out until I’m getting married. That’s basically what I was thinking. But then this job opportunity came up for me to get back in education and have like a live on staff role, which has been perfect. So I am always interacting with people, but I do have my own living space. So for me, I am literally rewriting the narrative because when I…
Sofia (24:49.421)
Hahaha.
Jessica Dueñas (25:05.524)
first lived by myself was when I got divorced. And that’s when my drinking took off. And so for me, it was like, how do I do this living by myself thing without alcohol? And it’s been really like structuring my time in meaningful ways, giving myself lots of opportunities to rest, seriously asking for help. And yeah, like if I’m feeling lonely, pick up the phone, call somebody, go visit, whether it’s my partner or go swing by my sister’s because thankfully she doesn’t live that far. She’s like 25, 30 minutes away. So
I have really been able to build a new life of living solo that looks totally different from what my life looked like when I drank. I think that has been really powerful and it has been that self-awareness and doing the whole no longer saying all the right things, like letting go of saying all the right things because I’m very good at saying all the right things.
Sofia (25:56.886)
Yes, and I think that was the key. I feel that was the turning point for you really, because like when you came here, your last time, so another story. So Jessica was here, I was still married at the time and I get one night, you know, my house, it’s not a huge house, but you know.
The master bedroom is kind of on one side of the house. The other bedrooms are on the other. And I come out of the shower and I get a text message from Jessica saying, oh, don’t worry, I have a ride home. And I’m like, what? Because when I went into the shower, she was here. And then I had no idea when she left. So I guess she called an Uber and had the Uber pick her up like around the corner.
And she went to a bar and she didn’t know where she was. And, um, you know, we live in Florida and Florida is a very, um, has the highest rate, I think probably in the country for human trafficking. So I kind of panicked and I was like, do not get in the car with anyone. I will come get you. I was like, where are you? Where are you? Um.
You know, she didn’t know where she was. And I was like, just ask somebody, what is the name of the bar you’re at? So, you know, we, we figured that out. My, my ex-husband and I jumped in the car and go get her. And I told him, I said, we’re not going home, go straight to the emergency room. Um, so on our way there, she finally is realizing that we’re not heading to the house. And, um,
we pull into the parking lot and she’s like, no, I’m not going in there. I’m not going in there. And I said, well, you need to come in here because you’re not coming home until we figure something out. Like you can’t keep going like this. Um, and I think that was for me, like my breaking point because it scared me so bad that she was actually going to get into the car with someone that she didn’t know. Like just, it just,
that was it like that was my breaking point um so we’re in the parking lot of this emergency room and she said to me i will go sleep on a park bench before going into that emergency room and i was like the hell you will i was like you’re coming in here i was like i was like you’re either doing this on your own two feet or i will call the police and they will escort you in there
I was like, I’m not doing this again. And so we did end up going in there. Um, and again, it was COVID. They let me stay with her, um, because she was just in such a state. Um, but you know, my ex had to wait in the car. They wouldn’t let him inside. And the ER doctor, you know, in Florida, we have this thing called the Baker act where if someone is.
harm to themselves or others, they get admitted against their will if they’re not willing to go in for a minimum of three days. And so I spoke to the ER doctor and I said, look, like she is not safe. And I said, so either you Baker Act her or I will Baker Act her because as her family member I could Baker Act her. I didn’t want to be the one to do that.
But in speaking to her, you know, the emergency room doctor said, I’m going to big ractor because, um, by law, if she feels that the patient is not safe, she has to do that. So, you know, she spoke to Jessica and said, I’m going to order a psych evaluation for you because, you know, I just feel like you’re not safe. Like you’re putting yourself at risk. Your life is at risk. Um, and when, and again, because it was COVID the
psychologist was on, they rolled in like a TV screen and he did a virtual visit with her. And when I was sitting there with her, I was like, look, just please be honest. I’m like, don’t say all the keywords. I’m like, just be honest. You have nothing to lose. I’m like, you are at the point where you are telling me that you would rather sleep on a park bench. It can’t get much worse.
So you have nothing to lose by being honest with this person and just tell them what’s really going on with you. And he was a wonderful clinician. He reviewed her chart and he said to her, because again, Jessica has been, at this point, she was going to AA meetings, she had a therapist, she was on antidepressants, and this had been a cycle that had been going on.
for a while where she would go to rehab, not drink for a while, again, have a relapse, and it just kept going over and over and over again. And I think she was exhausted at this point. I could just tell she was kind of giving up, and I’m like, no, we’re not doing this because she kept trying and it just kept failing. And the psychiatrist picked up on that
records and stuff and he’s like look something’s not adding up here he’s like you’re doing all the right things but you still keep relapsing he’s like so get check into a facility let them do a full psychiatric evaluation like let’s figure out what’s going on here he said because I see that you were a person that is trying but something’s not working so let’s figure out why that is and
she agreed. Thank God. And I feel like that was really a turning point, where she just kind of stopped pretending that it wasn’t as bad as it was. And she went into this facility, you know, and of course, it was it was difficult. But I think if she hadn’t done that, you know, we wouldn’t be here having this conversation today because
Jessica Dueñas (32:32.233)
Okay.
Sofia (32:34.53)
I really, I didn’t think she was going to make it to be honest with you. Like she was going to be a statistic. You are going to be a statistic. You know, I’m just.
Jessica Dueñas (32:42.632)
Yeah. And I mean, it’s funny because I don’t remember, you know, I was definitely in a blackout when all of that happened. And I mean, obviously I wasn’t consenting to go to, to get Baker act that happened. But yes, once I got so to kind of fast forward that story, you know, once I got in the facility, when you are Baker acted, you don’t have to really do anything once you’re in the facility, you can just sit there for three days and say all the right things and go home.
Sofia (32:52.319)
Mm-hmm.
Jessica Dueñas (33:12.18)
But once I was there and I sobered up and that fog cleared, that same clinician, or maybe not him, because I don’t remember, but there was a clinician who was very kind and asked me if I was willing to do a more thorough psychological evaluation. And at that time, that was my choice. And yes, I was so sick and tired and exhausted, and it felt like I had been dying without dying, but there was just no way to continue living. So I said, you know what?
F it, yes. I mean, like literally all the light bulbs went off when I was in that facility. Cause while in that facility, I remember I called Sophie and I was like, I think I need to quit my job. I don’t know if you remember that phone call, but I called you and I was like, I think I need to quit. You know, I had already sort of been looking for other options in case I did need to quit. I think I knew it was coming, but I wasn’t ready to let go of my job either. But yeah, I did that evaluation.
Sofia (33:52.481)
Thank you.
Jessica Dueñas (34:05.308)
And that was a wild moment too for me because, you know, he hits me with the diagnosis, which was bipolar too, for those of you who need to Google it or look it up, it’s basically serious, heavy episodes of depression without the full blown mania that someone with bipolar one might experience. So, you know, there was no like breaking from reality, et cetera, but just very, very powerful episodes of depression, which literally lined up to like my story as he was saying it.
And I remember I started crying and I was like, oh my God, you’re telling me I’m crazy. Because of course stigma and ignorance. So that’s that was my initial reaction to the bipolar two react diagnosis. And he was like, well, you know, that’s the missing piece. Kind of talk like what he said to my sister or one of them said to my sister, you know, this is the missing piece. She’s doing all the right things, but chemically, there’s something off in her body and she needs to kind of like restore the balance.
before she can really have any sustained sobriety. And so they did prescribe me all sorts of meds, and I’m not gonna go into that because if you are suspecting that you have this diagnosis, you should absolutely see a psychiatrist of your own and get diagnosed properly. But they gave me the battery of medications. And yes, while I was in there, I decided to resign from my job as well. So when I come out, this was very early November. And remember, my sobriety day is November 28th. So obviously everything doesn’t suddenly click.
right away, the medications do take a couple of weeks to kick in, right? But by the time I had that last drink, it just, it wasn’t the same anymore. And again, because the medicine was doing what it was supposed to do. So even though I went and I repeated the old behavior of sneaking off and buying the alcohol and trying to drink it, it didn’t hit the same. And so I didn’t, I guess I got drunk and had a hangover and things like that, but I didn’t continue to spiral.
And I think that’s when I realized that biologically, the medicine did what it needed to, and I felt done. And so once I got through that first day without alcohol, after having like picked it back up after a few weeks of meds, I finally had that glimmer of hope of like, oh, maybe I can do this because something shifted. And so when I had that glimmer of hope,
probably I waited another day or two, and then I was like, you know what? I’m gonna go ahead and like tell my story. And I wrote that op-ed article. So my sobriety date was November 28th of 2020. That op-ed article that has gone viral, which I’ll link in the show notes, that came out live in the Louisville Career Journal December 4th. And my last day of work was December 3rd as a teacher. And then I started working at a tutoring company. So yeah, just lots of…
really important information and a lot came out just from me becoming finally willing, going from wanting to willing. And then again, letting go of saying all the right things and just saying the truth and speaking openly. So Sophie, what would you tell, kind of like as the last question, what would you tell anybody else who has a loved one who’s struggling? Like whether it’s another sibling, a parent.
Sofia (37:06.21)
down.
Jessica Dueñas (37:19.536)
and they have someone struggling, like what would you say to them?
Sofia (37:28.104)
Acceptance that you can’t fix it. You know, the person I’m in a relationship with is in the same situation with his brother. And unfortunately, you know, he’s still struggling. He’s going through that cycle of rehab, you know, being sober for a little bit.
relapsing, all that stuff, and you know, it’s a younger sibling. So the same thing, you know, he wants to come in and swoop in and fix it. And there is no fixing it. Like you just have to accept it. You know, support that person, let them know that, you know, you’re here for them. You love them. And pray that they finally get to the point where they are willing.
to get the help that they really need to make the changes, the permanent changes, to get the tools to get healthy and get sober. Cause that’s really all you can do. And talk to somebody for yourself, like get help for yourself because, you know, if you’re not okay, it’s really hard to help someone else.
or be there for someone else and it’s draining and that’s okay. Um, and it is okay for you to say like, you know, I’m not okay because this person that I love is struggling. So I would say, you know, take care of yourself too, in the process of accepting that you cannot change it.
Jessica Dueñas (39:13.896)
Yeah. The other thing that I would add to what you said, and again, this is me from the perspective of the person who was struggling is I think about the boundaries that you set to. Like for example, me ending up in that last hospitalization here in Tampa was absolutely a result of you setting a boundary. Like you were like, you’re not coming home. So like here’s your options, but you’re not coming back into my house. Right. And so, you know, you putting that on me, like then of course I’d
Sofia (39:24.18)
Mm-hmm.
Sofia (39:35.621)
Yeah.
Sofia (39:40.013)
Right.
Jessica Dueñas (39:43.688)
chose or will at that point, not really, but you know what I mean. Like you, you set that boundary that made a big difference or, you know, even when I was in your house, like there were times that like, you were very clear, like if you’re staying here, then I’m holding your car keys. Of course I, you can’t control everything I did. Right. Of course you didn’t plan for me to call the Uber, but whatever.
Sofia (39:46.818)
Yeah.
Sofia (39:57.674)
Right. Of course, I didn’t realize that was before. Right. Oh, but also I didn’t realize that Uber delivered alcohol. And that was like, I remember one time, the doorbell rings. And you know, normally people let you know when they’re going to come over, they’ll just pop over. So I was like, Oh, that’s weird. And it’s like, nighttime. I’m like, I don’t think you know.
Jessica Dueñas (40:08.849)
Alcohol. Right.
Yeah
Sofia (40:22.966)
Amazon doesn’t ring the doorbell. And I opened the door and this guy’s there with like a brown bag, a brown paper bag. And I’m like, what’s this? And he’s like, oh, I’m delivering this. I was like mind blown because here I think I’m like, oh, I got her keys. She’s like, I’m gonna get alcohol.
Jessica Dueñas (40:41.934)
Right. I mean, right. Well, you tried, right? And that’s what matters. But the boundary setting, you know, of course, these are perfectly good examples of like, it’s not perfect, right? But again, like people who are struggling with their loved ones, it is important to evaluate like what boundaries can you set? Like, are they welcoming your home and understanding that it’s okay if not? Like, again, you drew that line at that point when it was time for me to go into that last facility.
I was no longer welcome in your home unless I’d changed certain things and then I was welcome back in your home, right? And so I think that for people, you know, like yes, you’re gonna feel guilty and it’s okay to feel guilty. It’s okay to not feel okay, but you have to make sure that you’re protecting your home, protecting your family, protecting your loved ones, right? Like there was nothing that I would steal, but like if I had been desperate enough, I could have taken like money from, you know what I mean? So I think like it’s really important for people to establish boundaries.
Sofia (41:13.63)
Right. Yeah.
Sofia (41:28.014)
Wow.
Sofia (41:33.978)
Yeah, but I think, yeah, and like I said, for me, the breaking point was just, you know, that realization that you were going to get into a car with someone that you didn’t know from Adam, and who knows what, where that man could have taken you, you know, like the fact that you had such a disregard for your own well-being, you know, that for me was like, oh no, oh hell no.
Jessica Dueñas (41:53.257)
Right.
Jessica Dueñas (42:04.146)
Yeah.
Sofia (42:05.07)
Like, that’s it. Like that was the line kind of in the sand for me. Like I was not, I couldn’t sit by idly and let you just put yourself at risk that way. And you know, it’s funny because you weren’t like a drinking and driving person. Like I felt like you were, yeah, like you were aware enough that you would always Uber to wherever you were going. Like you didn’t try to drive.
Jessica Dueñas (42:22.304)
Thank God.
Sofia (42:31.706)
But you know that just scared you know excuse my language the shit out of me when you were like yeah I’ve got a right I was like what so for me that was the boundary like I just couldn’t I could not just sit by and let that happen you know so that was when I was like oh no this is something’s gotta happen here um you know and I’m grateful like today I’m just I’m so grateful
Jessica Dueñas (42:40.64)
Yeah.
Jessica Dueñas (42:49.889)
Yeah.
Sofia (43:01.098)
and proud of where you are and the fact that you are taking this experience and helping other people having an impact even if it’s one person and then that person pays it forward, it’s a ripple effect and for anyone who has a loved one going through this, I’m fortunate enough that this has been my outcome.
you know, that the person that I love is healthy and safe and happy. And you know, in such a good place that it just, it, it fills my heart and makes me so happy because that’s all I’ve ever wanted. You know, it’s like, that’s all you ever want for the people you love is for them to be healthy and happy. And so I think that you are helping other people get to that place.
And my heart goes out to the people that don’t have somebody supporting them. Because it’s not an easy journey to do on your own. Not that it’s not achievable, but it’s so much easier when you have somebody to lean on, I think.
Jessica Dueñas (44:12.552)
Yeah. And I mean, and I’ll close out by just, I mean, I’ve said it to you personally, but just so that it’s recorded for the internet to save forever. I love you so much. I thank you so much for believing in me. Like I’ll tell you, I know, but seriously, like you believed in me. I know. But you know, like there may have been times when there’s 8 billion people on this planet and you were the one who believed.
Sofia (44:30.614)
So now you’re making me get teary eyed.
Jessica Dueñas (44:41.972)
that I could, and I think that there’s the power of just one. And I think that our relationship, our sisterhood, is a testament to all that can come from just believing in a person. And so, you know, recovery is absolutely possible if you’re listening, and if you have a loved one, cheer them on healthily, work with a professional to set the appropriate boundaries for yourself so that you stay healthy.
And same thing, if you have a loved one who is still struggling, I wish them all the love. I wish you all the love in the world. This is hard. You don’t have to do this alone. If you want to reach out, my sister does not like random strangers reaching out to her, but you are more than welcome to reach out to me and send me a message through my social media or email, and I will happily pass the message on to her. She doesn’t like strangers following her, but you’re welcome to follow me. I take strangers following me all the time.
Sofia (45:37.827)
Yeah.
Jessica Dueñas (45:40.06)
So just thank you all so much, so much for listening. I really hope that you got something out of this. And just again, thank you to my sister, Sofia, for sharing her part of my story with everybody. So thank you everybody for listening.
Sofia (45:53.678)
My pleasure. Bye everyone.
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