In this episode:
Ever been on the receiving end of a hateful glare from your partner’s ex? We’re uncovering empowering ways to navigate such awkward encounters, emphasizing the power of stepping back to weigh our options and potential consequences, reshaping our mindset to construct a more positive narrative, and taking action without shouldering the responsibility for others’ emotions and responses.
Then, I also share a part of my rehab journey from the brink of despair to belting out tunes at a karaoke session in rehab. I share the magic of “snapshot moments” – those randomly profound instances of hope and inspiration that encapsulate the resilience of the human spirit. Join me as I reminisce about Danielle, the staff member who illuminated the possibility of joy sans alcohol, and young Elly, whose bold performance became my unforgettable snapshot moment.
Resources:
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Writing Classes, and Workshops
My Full Rehab Story – Where I first meet Danielle
Transcript:
So today’s episode is going to be a little bit random, even though, honestly, this podcast is in general pretty random, because I just go with from my heart. But there’s kind of two different things that I wanted to talk about and both of them involve sort of some storytelling. But the first topic is more so a recent conversation that I had regarding an incident, and then the second one actually is I did want to share just a brief story with you. So for the first part I’m going to talk about a conversation I’m making up names, a conversation about Jane, her boyfriend John, and Melissa, who is the girl that John used to date. So Jane came to me, she dates John, and then Melissa is the third person involved in the story. So Jane and John like to frequent like a social outing actually to go dancing, to dance salsa, and when they go dancing, what Jane has noticed right, james perception of the situation is that Melissa, who John used to date, gives her dirty looks and, according to her, these looks are full of hatred and she’s like seething while she’s on the dance floor with John and, as a result, the looks make her very uncomfortable, the looks are making her wants to stop dancing and the looks are making her feel like she has to take action and do something about it. So she came to me and she was like Jessica, what do I do in this scenario? With that being said, my first question to her was how do you know that what appear to be dirty looks have anything directly to do with you? To which she responded I don’t know right, because I was like so did she straight up come to you and tell you I’m giving you dirty looks because you are dating the guy that I used to date, or are you assuming that because of their history? And lo and behold, she shared that she was assuming that and I was like so then you don’t know what she’s thinking when it looks like she’s looking at you. She confirmed that.
Then, with regard to her options, I was like so what? What possible options do you have? Because I think it’s important that, before we jump into an action, right, we give us, we give ourselves, the gift of the pause so that we can look at all the possible outcomes and see which of those we’re comfortable with. So I was like what, what might this look like? So she was like, well, option one, I can ignore it, or option two, I can confront her.
So I was like all right, well, let’s talk about your option one, ignoring it. How is doing nothing working for you right now? And she’s like it’s not. And I was like so, in terms of you say not taking any physical action and, quote unquote, ignoring it. You still have to do some work around your thoughts and your thinking. And she was like well, what do you mean?
And I was like because, right now, the story that you’re telling yourself is that this girl hates you because you’re dating her ex and because of that now you are blocking yourself from dancing, you are blocking yourself from having a good time, and you are creating this whole story in your mind where you are now a victim, when this woman did literally nothing but happened to maybe look at you with her eyes, and she was like, oh, that’s true. So I was like what can you tell yourself? Right, what can you practice? Instead of she must hate me, what can you tell yourself when you notice that it looks like she’s looking at you. What can you tell yourself instead? And she was just kind of like well, I don’t, I don’t know what you mean.
And I was like well, first of all, you already made up this whole story that she hates you, with no evidence. So you might as well make up a story that sits better with your spirit, right? So like, how about you tell yourself that this woman is looking at you because she’s admiring higher dancing and maybe the look looks a little bit dirty because she’s jealous? But let’s remember that jealousy is a sign of acknowledging and recognizing something in others that we would like for ourselves. So I was like how about you tell yourself that this woman is just jealous, that you’re a good dancer and you know?
And Jane was kind of cracking up, but she was like oh, I had never thought of it that way. And I was like, exactly, I was like you’re already making up the first story anyway, because you have no evidence. So if you’re going to go that route, make up a story that makes you feel good, so you feel less self-conscious when you’re dancing. And she was like okay, that’s a good thought, so anyway. So then I was like but let’s go back and explore your second route, right?
Because she also said that she could confront her. So I was like so tell me, what would that look like if you confronted this Melissa? And she was like well, maybe I could say hey, I noticed that when I’m dancing with John, I see that you’re looking at me and you look angry, and I just wanted to see if there’s anything that we could talk about. And I was like okay, fair, now tell me, how do you think that that would work out? What are the possible outcomes there? And she was like Jane said well, either she would maybe be more reflective about her facial like, how her face looks, or she might not care, or she might get offended. And I was like bingo, right. And I was like and I was like not, that it’s your responsibility to manage how she feels and responds to things. And I was like but if your original suspicion is correct, that this girl dislikes you, then she’s going to be like perfect, I found a way to make her uncomfortable, right. So I was like really like.
We are not in control of other people. We cannot tell someone how to look at us, how to not look at us, what to say, what not to say Never in your life and I was telling her this and I’m saying it now here never in your life will there ever be a person, even if it’s your own child and your parent, where you can genuinely successfully control them, because there will always come a time when that person will break free from that Right. And so that’s what I told her. I was like so, based off this conversation that we’re having, what are you going to do? And she was like you know, I think that I’m just going to when I see her looking at me, not that I’m going to ignore it, but that I’m going to intentionally tell myself that maybe she’s looking at me because I dance nicely. Maybe she’s looking at me because maybe she is a little bit jealous that I dance nicely. But that’s a better thought, energetically, for me to practice than this woman hates me. And now I don’t want to dance. And now I’m like self-conscious and I was like, exactly, bingo, I’m going to practice that thought.
So, anyway, I just wanted to share that because, again, just for anybody who’s ever like well, what the hell is coaching Like? I hear about it all the time that’s an example of how coaching would operate with me, just for your reference, and I think that again, for any of you who go into situations where you think that someone is looking at you right, and you start telling yourself this whole story in your head, if you’re going to tell yourself a whole made up story, then at least make up a whole story that’s going to make you feel good, because, dang, why are you stressing yourself out so much? You know what I mean. So, anyway, I wanted to share that. And then the second part is actually, I just wanted to read a little like a tiny short story that I had written to my email list and I just, you know it makes me happy to share it, and so I’m just going to go ahead and read it here to you all, and then we’ll close out for today’s episode.
So, for Um, to give you some context, when I was in treatment, I often called certain moments snapshot moments. Right, like literally. I spent my time in treatment thinking like, oh, I really wish I had a camera, and that thought lived in my head the entire time I was in a treatment facility. Every time I was in one in 2020, because no matter how long I was in a space, whether it was three days or five weeks. I always felt like there was always a moment in there, interacting with other folks, where I did feel a flash of hope, a moment of inspiration, right, and so for me, I call those snapshot moments. So I spent five weeks in one of the treatment facilities in Louisville, kentucky, and, honestly, I don’t remember. I vaguely remember how I got there, right, like, my memory of my rival is spotty. But again, there’s several snapshot moments from treatment that I hope I never forget and I’m so grateful to be able to record it because this is one of them.
Right, karaoke here in a rehab. No way, you’ve got to be kidding me. This is what I was saying, laughing. I was talking to my friend, andy. So, andy, is this massive six foot five like radiant, beautiful, personality, human being, and I’m so grateful I actually still get to text with him to this day. But back then in 2020, we were in line for lunch at the cafeteria after, you know, we had finished one of our group therapy sessions and it was funny, because there were eager murmurs among, like, the fellow residents that one of the staff members, danielle, said that she would bring in a mic and a speaker set, if we like the people who had miraculously not killed themselves in recent weeks were willing to do karaoke during her shift. She was gonna supervise this on Friday night. You know it was early summer, like I said, in 2020.
And after I had flipped my car upside down on Barge Town Road in Louisville, kentucky, I ended up at this treatment facility. So you know, for me, the idea of going from barely wanting to be alive to singing into a mic in front of other people without a single drop of alcohol in my body that thought was wild. I mean, I had to be locked away in a treatment facility because I couldn’t bring myself to stop drinking safely, and now these people want to get me to sing along on a microphone, you know. So there were so many thoughts that ran through my mind in response to this idea. Right, like I was thinking what if I’m not fun to others and I just bore them? I’m not good enough to get up in front of others and just be. I like my singing voice, but I’m scared it’s not good enough to be a strong voice and that I can’t be silly enough to be comically bad for karaoke. Is there even such a thing as fun without alcohol? I’d like to watch others try. I love karaoke, but me sober. I have to pass.
As we sat down to eat, danielle, the staff member of the buzz, was about how to approach our table. As usual, she was beaming. Did y’all hear about karaoke on Friday? You ready, jess? She looked me in the eyes and smiled, which slowed the racing panic of my detoxing brain. Danielle had always put me at ease because her lived experience really didn’t still hope in me that this repetitive cycle that I found myself in would one day stop.
In Drowning in Shallow Water, chapter one, which I will share the link in the show notes, I do share how I learned that Danielle had also lost her partner to a drug overdose and despite this loss she was sober, working with others. Danielle gave me hope that I could find joy and love after losing my boyfriend, ian. Her lived experience and confidence in how she conducted herself made me think maybe I can do this karaoke thing. On Friday night. I turned my face to Danielle, smiled while hesitantly shrugging my shoulders, and said I really don’t want to do it, but since you’re putting it together, danielle, I’ll try it. You won’t regret this, jess, danielle declared and damn it, she was right, but not for those reasons. So on Friday night Danielle came in for her shift. She decorated the residential lounge area, turned the overhead lights off and connected her karaoke machine to her phone. As the music started playing and I felt the bass of the music vibrate a little bit, the sensory experiences began to take me back, like the thumping with the darkness and the flashing lights from the machine took me back to being at a bar or a club. But I wasn’t at the club. I was in treatment.
One of the younger residents, ellie, got up to do a song. In our therapy groups she was often disengaged and rarely used her voice. I assumed that she did not want to take up space. So I remember my curiosity when I saw her awkwardly standing before us, her hand on the mic and the other on her hip. We waited for what felt like ages and then the words came. Ellie took a deep breath, closed her eyes, gripped the microphone with both hands and came to life. I wish I could remember the song, but I don’t. Honestly it doesn’t matter. What mattered was that Ellie was freed beyond the walls of the treatment facility in those few moments, as she danced and performed as if she was on stage somewhere else.
I elbowed Andy next to me and I held up my hands as though I was holding up a real camera and took a snapshot of Ellie. So what happened afterward? After letting herself be seen, ellie started to speak up more in groups after that, and me I did eventually sing too, just not on that day. So again, I just wanted to share that little snapshot moment because that’s the thing, right. You go to treatment and you meet these people and you spend so much time with these individuals, getting to know them on such a deep level as you rip your hearts open in these groups and then they’re just gone. So I had the pleasure of still being in touch with Andy, but Ellie I don’t know where she is. I have no idea. But I am glad that for a brief time in my life I did intersect with her, if that’s the right word to use, and I did get to see her light up and I did get to see her connect with herself and her body and feel proud and excited right. And I remembered her when later on, I eventually sang while I was in treatment of that facility.
And now I will happily grab a karaoke mic and without a single drop of alcohol. I will sing my heart and soul out and I will perform. I actually had recently reposted it on my socials, a video of me doing karaoke, so you’ll see that in the show notes. And, yeah, I hope everyone has an awesome week. Thanks for listening and take care of yourselves. Hey, if you are enjoying what you are listening to, I invite you to subscribe and share the podcast. But also go to my website, bottomlesstosober.com, and find out other opportunities to work with me, from free workshops to writing classes to one to one life coaching opportunities. You can schedule a free consultation for that. Everything is available at bottomlesstosober.com. See you then.
Return to Podcast Directory
