In this episode:
Join me as I tackle the challenges of navigating the holidays while maintaining sobriety. This episode takes a hard look at our programmed thoughts, particularly those we’ve clung onto since childhood, and how they might not truly resonate with us. To help you combat these, I introduce a simple, yet profound question to ask yourself: “So what?” This question is a handy tool to challenge your thoughts throughout the holiday season. The second half of this episode discusses the concept of safety in recovery and how to establish it within ourselves. We explore how alcohol can make us feel like we need it for survival when in fact we don’t.
Resources:
Sober Summit Holiday Edition – Get A Free Ticket!
New Year’s Eve Self Forgiveness Workshop
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Writing Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Hey everyone, and somehow, just like that, it’s already November. I literally do not know where the time went this year. I feel like I literally it was January. I closed my eyes and, boom, here we are in November. And it’s also just hilarious because I maybe I feel it stronger this year than in other years, but I also feel like it really feels like it’s the holidays. Maybe it’s because of, like, the never ending jokes online, of like when the clock struck 12 on Halloween, that people are bringing out Christmas trees, et cetera but it really really feels like it’s that time of the year which, for some people, it can be like the most joyous time of year and for many, many others including you, if you’re listening to this, because you’re probably somewhere on the spectrum of addiction, right it can also be just a really triggering and difficult time of year. So I wanted to talk about the holidays. With that being said, first, I wanted to point out a free resource the sober summit holiday edition is featuring myself, but 23 other really like phenomenal speakers. I’m going to have her as a guest on the podcast. Keo Lorraine’s will be one of the speakers, jay Chase, chris Marshall, founder of Sandsbar. Lots of other really phenomenal folks are going to be on there and we’re all essentially telling our stories and also talking about getting through the holidays sober, right. Lots of really valuable tips, et cetera, and all of that is free, and so I will have the link in the bio for you to register for that. It is coming up actually right next week, november 8th through the 10th is when all these interviews and conversations and events go live, and resources. So I will put that in the show notes so that you have an opportunity to sign up for free for that.
But let’s go ahead and let’s transition into the topic, right? So the key question that I want to introduce to you, for you to really having your back pocket anytime you find yourself battling your thoughts this holiday season, is literally asking yourself these two really short, simple words so what? So what as a question is going to be so important for you to challenge yourself? Because one of the biggest barriers that we can often have in our recovery and just in our personal development in general is that we have thoughts that we have been programmed with since we were younger, that we firmly believe are true and, at the end of the day, if we sit with them and push back against them. We realize that they don’t actually resonate truly with us in our spirits. Right, it’s usually something that we were taught either in our family or by society at large. Right, but we have to really sit and examine what matters to us and use that as a way to kind of help guide our path, moving forward as we go through the next two months here, through this lovely human existence. Right, because not only are we going into the holiday season, but also, like the world itself also really feels like it’s on fire, and I feel like the world is always on fire.
And now we have you know, we have crisis and conflict in the world, a lot of people who don’t know, kind of like, how to respond, how to feel about it all sorts of mixed feelings. And, frankly, wherever you are, wherever you are, right, I just want to recognize that your feelings are valid, but it’s also important to recognize that your feelings aren’t necessarily facts. So, with that being said, let’s talk about some different scenarios and how you can use the question. So what, right? So first, let’s say that you, either you have been in an online support group community or you recently joined an online support group community, and you know that during the holidays there will be meetings. Most of these communities do not drop their meetings during holidays because of the importance of being able to have a safe space to go to.
On Christmas, for example, when there’s way too many people talking in your family and you’re losing your mind, you might need to get on a meeting to talk, right. But now you’re worried about getting on a meeting because you don’t want to be caught having a conversation about your recovery journey, right? You don’t want to be caught working on your recovery. You don’t want to be caught getting support from other people. You don’t want to be heard being on any of these calls, right. And so you’re thinking, hmm, maybe during the holidays, even though I would love to get on a meeting and connect with, like my fellow sober peers, I don’t want my family to know that I’m doing this.
And so, first, I hear you. It’s scary. But second, I want to ask you to ask yourself so what if they find out? Right? I really want you to think about that. I want you to follow that.
So what up with asking yourself what is the absolute worst thing that could happen from your family finding out that you are working on yourself Seriously, like write it out. If you need to get a piece of paper and write out, what is the worst thing that could happen from your family finding out that you’re working on yourself, and then look at the worst thing on that list and you tell me if that worst thing on the list can actually hurt you or harm you more than alcohol, or if it could just hurt you or harm you, period Right. That’s something that’s really really important to focus on because, especially in terms of, say, family members or loved ones right, who chances are if you struggled with an addiction to alcohol or other substances are these family members have seen you struggle, right, even if they didn’t know that you were directly consuming alcohol or other drugs, they probably saw the erratic behavior, they probably saw you acting out. They know, they know the people in our lives are not dumb. They know exactly what was going on. So, without being said, let’s go back to that question If they can see you drink, why can’t they see you recover? And these are hard questions, but I think it’s really important to ask ourselves that because I know for me my old answer to if they can see you drink, why can’t they see you recover, simply because I was ashamed that I had a problem Right.
And where did that shame come from? It came from the belief that used to be instilled in me that there was something wrong with me if I had a problem with alcohol, right. But since then, what have I done? I have done a lot of informing myself and I know that my problem with alcohol was not my fault. Like, first of all, in my case, I was primed ready to become addicted to a substance, right, I grew up in a family where substance abuse was definitely prevalent. So, whether it’s a nature versus nurture thing, the point was that I was primed for it. Second, I had gone through several traumatic events that also primed me to become addicted to a substance.
And then three, let’s talk about the fact that alcohol itself is an addictive substance. And when people, repeatedly, are exposed to anything that’s addictive, their chances of becoming addicted to the addictive substance go up drastically. Right, nowhere in that formula is there there’s something wrong with Jessica, right? Absolutely not. And so, again, if you’re like, I don’t want them to find out that I am struggling with addiction, I I, you know. Sure, they can see me using, they can see me drinking. But they can’t know that I’m working on it, right? I really want you to stop, slow down and do some really serious digging, because chances are is that you, like many of us, are just struggling with shame.
You probably don’t understand enough about the sources of addiction and where they come from, and so you think it’s something that’s wrong with you, when you are a perfectly functional human being, responding to either your environments or, again, addicted substances, right. So again, if you, if you’re like oh my gosh, they can’t find out, ask yourself so what? What’s the worst that could happen from them knowing? And is that worst thing actually a source of danger to you? All, right, let’s look at another scenario, kind of along the similar vein or whatever.
So let’s say, your family always drinks during the holidays and your plan is to not drink. So either you’re going to tell them I’m not drinking today, I’m not drinking right now, or you’re even wondering if maybe you should just say that you’re sober. Right, regardless of how you say it, you are planning on letting them know that you are not consuming alcohol with them, but now you’re in a panic because they’re like oh my gosh, my family. What are they going to say? Right, and that’s what you’re thinking. What are they going to say? How are they going to react? And so those two questions that you’re asking yourself are yet again fueling a lovely spiral, fueling a lovely panic, and you’re not sure what to do with yourself.
So I want you to, in this case, write out all the possible things that they could say, write out all the possible things that they can do, and then I want you to ask yourself those same two words so what, right? So what If they say whatever they’re going to say, or if they do whatever they’re going to do? Here’s where I want you to stop and analyze yet again what is the worst thing that they can say to you, what is the worst thing that they can actually do to you? And you need to evaluate if it’s something that can actually harm you. Right, I don’t know your family. Like, if your family is literally going to Physically hurt you and harm you because you’re not drinking with them, that’s one thing. But if your family is just going to talk shit about you because you’re not drinking with them, is that talking shit going to actually hurt you? Yeah, I might hurt your feelings, but will you be safe? Right, and if you’re going to be safe after you look at what’s the worst that can happen, then. So what? Right now, if you’re not going to be safe with them because there are patterns of abuse right, there is a history of endangerment Then we need to talk about the next scenario, which is you’re not needing to fucking go to spend the holidays with your family, right, like if you are actually at risk.
So let’s move into that third question and that third or a third scenario. So maybe you know that in your case, you just all together have no business going to visit your family this season, right, and you’re deciding to stay home. But now, yet again, guess what. You’re now worrying about what they’re going to say about you from a distance, right? What are they going to say? Are they going to cut me off? Are they going to block me? Are they never going to invite me to anything again? Right, like, your mind is just racing with all sorts of things that are just coming up for you. And again, that’s okay to have these racing thoughts, but let’s, let’s slow them down. What is it that your family can possibly say about you? Write it down, what can they possibly do from a distance? And write it down right? And yet again, I’m going to ask you to ask yourself so what? What is the worst that is coming off of that list that you wrote down Right, and can that actually harm you or are you safe, right? Essentially, I really want you to assess if you’re safe or not in these situations, because for so many of us and I do an okay job of explaining neuroscience I’m going to put a link in the chat to some other resources not in the chat, a link in the show notes to some other resources, but essentially right, when we think about alcohol and dopamine, our brains.
Alcohol completely distorts our dopamine and our dopamine has often been used as a signal for us humans as oh, this is something I need for survival. So things that can often like cause spikes and dopamine are things that feel good, that are also directly tied to our survival. So it might be things like food. It might be things like sex right, let’s keep the human race going. It might be things like affection and connection with family right, because, again, these are all things that we essentially need as human beings.
Alcohol totally hijacks those sensors and makes your brain think that when you’re in need of survival, that you need alcohol, right. So suddenly you’re hungry, but you’re not really paying attention to your hunger singles. So you think you want a drink. You’re tired and you need rest, but again those survival signals are totally thrown off. So you want a drink. Instead, you are in need of human connection and you’re feeling lonely, but your brain is hijacked. So your brain is like no, you don’t need people, you need alcohol, right.
So let’s go back to this whole establishing safety thing. The reason why I want you to go back and say so what? The reason why I want you to look at what’s the worst that could happen and if you’re still going to be safe, is because the second that your body and your brain perceive that you are being threatened. If it’s not a real threat, it doesn’t matter. Your default is going to be I want a drink, and so it’s your job to slow down and tell your brain and tell your body hey, I know you think I’m in danger, but I’m actually safe. I know you think that my mom giving me attitude is a total threat to my life and now I have to go drink because my body is perceiving that as a need to survive. But actually my mom talking shit. Despite her doing that, I’m actually still safe, so I don’t need to drink, right. So that is why it’s so important to consistently establish safety all the time. One of the biggest things that I still tell myself at almost three years sober is anytime I get stressed, I quietly tell myself, just, you’re safe. Because I need to remind my body that, even if it perceives something harmless as a threat, that I am not threatened and that I’m okay. So I hope that makes sense In terms of safety, though and I made reference to this a little bit earlier but in terms of safety right, most of the time you are going to be safe.
In this day and age, most of us do have the privilege of not having our lives being threatened just because we say no to a drink of alcohol. What I do want to recognize as I’m saying this, is that there are still some people who do have situations where their safety actually may be threatened and, for example, in cases of intimate partner violence, some people may have partners who intentionally use alcohol as a tool to subdue them and to control them, and In those cases, saying no to alcohol may actually put you at risk. So I will also put a resource in the show notes. If anybody listening does struggle with intimate partner violence, or not even intimate partner violence, it can be just Violence in the home, right. You may have, like I said earlier, you may have family members who Do actually cause you harm, right, and we do need to establish safety. So I will put a link to some resources in the show notes so that you have Access to tools for wherever you are to get out of those situations, because you also deserve to be freed from those situations and you absolutely deserve to be safe and nobody should be using alcohol or other Substances as a tool to subdue and control you and hurt you. So I will put those in the show notes.
The last thing that I wanted to share is before I close out again in this holiday theme yay, again, I want to invite you all to my New Year’s Eve self-requivocist workshop. It is on New Year’s Eve, on December 31st. There’s more information on my website. I will put a link in the show notes to it. But essentially we’re gonna be doing some self-reflection. We’re also going to be doing an exercise on evaluating our guilt, resentment and anger specifically towards ourselves, and then also doing some work on both outreach to our younger self and Outreach to our future self. It’s a 90-more in that workshop. It’s a beautiful opportunity to build some community and support right before transitioning into the new year.
I’m super, super excited to hold it. It’s gonna be an awesome 90 minutes on New Year’s Eve and, chances are right, new Year’s Eve Again, you’re probably gonna want to break from your family. So join me in this workshop. It’s only $15. So you should come join. Can’t wait to see you there. With that being said, I cannot wait to see you all. Next episode I will be having Kiola Raines, my friend and fellow sober sister. Share her story and also just some information on the work that she does and support that she provides. So thanks everybody so much. I’ll see you soon.
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