Three years ago, I stopped drinking.
It wasn’t a cute or trendy choice, neither was it something I initially desired.
Thrown across the train tracks of my addiction, I felt resigned to an early death. The rumble of the oncoming train grew louder with each stint in treatment followed by a wild relapse.
Shame weighed me down, firmly pressing against the cold, wet tracks, fueled by my false belief that I wasn’t worthy of sharing my struggles. “How dare I be a drunk?” echoed in my mind, silencing me.
As the speeding train neared, a realization dawned—I had to push the shame aside to give myself a chance to stand and seek help. So, I shared my story in an op-ed for the Louisville Courier-Journal, confessing that, as the Kentucky State Teacher of the Year, I had been secretly consuming a fifth of alcohol daily, witnessed my boyfriend die from his own addiction, and spiraled further into self-destruction.
I stood and walked away from those tracks when my story went live.
I concluded my op-ed declaring the following:
“My dream is to attain long-term sobriety, and I believe one day I will, but just for today, I choose to live in recovery until I fall asleep. I will fight my alcoholism daily. I no longer live in fear of anyone trying to “out” me.
There were times this year I felt ready to die, but here I stand to tell my story of choosing to live. I will live a good life. I will have a family, find peace and STILL be of service to others, just not in the way I had planned. My mother has a saying in Spanish, “uno pone y Dios dispone,” meaning we have one plan, but God can have other paths to our goals, which I accept as my journey.”
Today, I stand proud, openly sharing my recovery journey instead of keeping it a secret. The past three years have been a testament to my commitment to living in truth. This authenticity has become my shield, repelling what doesn’t align with me and creating space for the right people and opportunities.
Saying “yes” is now a source of ease because it is grounded in the power to say “no.” The exhaustion of wearing a constant mask has dissipated, and the burden of living a double life is no longer a thing.
If you find yourself trapped by shame, it’s lying to you—you are not alone, and you deserve better. Reach out for support.
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