There’s a difference between wanting and being willing. Both are closely related, but willingness is a combination of wanting AND effort. When I was in and out of rehab, I wanted to be sober, but I kept putting conditions and limits on what I was willing to do to get there, so I kept drinking.
If someone asked me, “Jessica, are you willing to consult a psychiatrist to look at possible medical support?” My response would have been, “No, I don’t want to take meds!” Why not? Because I had somehow adopted societal thinking that to take psych meds is a weakness, and that “real sobriety” comes without needing medical assistance. Note that just because I used medication to start my journey doesn’t mean you need it. This is my personal example.
If someone had asked, “Jessica, what if you talked about your problems with alcohol? Do you think that might help you?” I immediately would have laughed at that person and said, “You’re funny. You think that I, a teacher, an award-winning teacher, can talk about my drinking and let people know I have a problem? I’d rather die.” And seriously, for a long time, I thought I would rather die than let others know I was battling addiction. When a former friend threatened to out me to his nearly 15,000 followers on Twitter, the idea of being caught when I was not ready to disclose hit my body with fear so powerful I wondered if I could stand to live after a betrayal like that. So no, I was definitely NOT willing to talk about it. Note that just because I speak publicly on platforms about my journey doesn’t mean you need to. This is my personal example.
Here is the thing, in both of these examples, I wanted to stop drinking. I really did, but I was unwilling to do some of the work I needed to do to stop, and I was stuck.
Can you work toward becoming willing? Yes! That’s the beauty of neuroplasticity!
So, what can you do to work toward willingness?
- List the action items that are required to be alcohol-free. Be brutally honest.
- For each action item, identify the feeling you associate with it. Fear? Anxiety? Worthlessness? Excitement? Joy? Do any of these emotions make you so uncomfortable that you want to throw your device out the window? Good! Those are the ones you need to work up to doing and will help you the most in the long run.
- For the action items that create feelings that feel miserable and make you think, “I know I need to do this, but I’m not ready.” Let’s think about baby steps. Maybe in your context, you know you need to talk about your problems with alcohol, but you aren’t ready to bring it up to your family. So a baby step would be, “I’m willing to find at least one other human to confide in.” – What actions go with that? Finding a community space to participate in, creating an anonymous social media handle, getting with a coach (I’m taking new clients here), and the list goes on.
- Over time, as you grow your confidence in the baby step, you can reassess your readiness for the “scary” action item and be able to overcome it.
I’ve included a worksheet to help you if you’re more visual and need support.
As always, if you want more individualized support with this work, you can schedule a 1:1 consultation here.
