In this episode:
I’m minding my own business when suddenly, my sister sends a bombshell text reminder – apparently, I got married 11 years ago. I forget I have lived what feels like 100 years in less than 40 years. So, in this episode, I reflect on the lessons I didn’t learn from the time I was married and how it took me getting sober to understand what I needed and how to seek it in love and relationships.
Please note there was a weird audio issue with this episode, so if you don’t like it, please skip it because I was not going to re-record.
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Transcript:
00:19 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey y’all, there are some weird audio things going on with this episode and, to be honest, I wasn’t going to go back and rerecord because I don’t go off of a script, so my apologies. If you don’t like the way the sound sometimes goes out, totally welcome to skip. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy today’s episode. Hey everyone, so fun fact, I got married like 11 years ago, and I would not have remembered it if it wasn’t for the fact that my sister sent me a text message and was like I just had shutterflies send me memories from 11 years ago, and I was basically like well, what happened 11 years ago? Ha, I got married. That goes to show you, I have lived so much life in my 39 distance that things like an entire marriage don’t even like register on my brain. It’s like I promise you, I forget that I was once like a married person, right, Like I have to really think about it because my life is so drastically different. Was then right, like 11 years ago, that I completely blur, like blurted block, so I could have gone through the wedding anniversary and I swear I would not have remembered it if it hadn’t been for my sister’s text message. But anyway, the reason I’m bringing up my marriage is because what I have learned from it, now that I’m 39, right, is that there were lessons that the universe, god, there were lessons that I really could have learned and taken away from my marriage and subsequent divorce that I didn’t, that I continue to face in my years after my divorce and even in like very early sobriety when I first started dating. That would have made my life a whole lot easier if I had learned the lessons and applied them Right and I feel like my love life in my existence, this iteration of my existence on this planet, um, just really goes to show that if you don’t apply the lessons that you learn, you’re going to continue to get hit with them, like it’ll be like a little pebble, a little hint, like hey, you might want to learn this, and then it just gets bigger and bigger, you know, until it feels like you’re getting like hit by a truck with this lesson being learned Right. And so I just wanted to share a couple of lessons that I should have learned in my marriage that I didn’t, with the hopes that maybe some of these lessons might be helpful for you as you navigate your personal romantic relations with other people, and not even just romantic, it applies to anything that is a connection that’s with another human being, honestly. So the first one that I want to talk about is this idea of not begging.
03:04
I remember when I met my ex. We’re going to name my ex spouse John his name was not John, but we’re going to go with John, um, cause, honestly, I have no hard feelings and John, you know, and I have not crossed paths in years, so there’s no need to like throw the name out, et cetera. So when we first met, I was in my early twenties and I had just had my gastric bypass surgery, like months before we met. So when I met him, I was adjusting to a body that was changing rapidly in a way that I mentally was not really prepared to. So think about a 24 year old version of Jessica who has lost about 70 to 80 pounds and literally doesn’t know what to do with herself because her entire life she’s been called, you know, fat shamed by her family. And as I’m hitting this new body, I’m slowly getting hit with the reality Like holy shit, like I’m losing a ton of weight and I don’t feel any different. But was I seeking any professional guidance? Of course not. Was I having reflective conversations with anybody? No, all I know is that I was rapidly losing weight and my outside was changing quickly and it was becoming, it was, accommodating what I was always told I should look like. But on the inside I wasn’t feeling any better about myself. But people were looking at me differently and John who we’ll talk about, you know, was this educator at the school that I was teaching at.
04:43
He was a year younger than me and also brand new, you know, pretty much right out of college. And when I met John he was, you know, tall, very fit, athletic, good looking white guy from the Midwest, from Louisville, kentucky, and I remember thinking he was really cute and I remember thinking he was so different from the New Yorkers I had always been around, right, like you know, people I dated throughout college from New York, brooklyn, the Bronx, et cetera. He was just kind of like sparkling and shiny and new and so different Again, me being from Brooklyn back then meeting someone from Kentucky, a world of a culture shock, a world of a difference, especially like me being a first to like Latino parents, right. So he definitely caught my eye and John was a sweetheart, just an absolute sweetheart, and I expressed an interest in John and I remember being really scared to, but John like called me beautiful. You all, and I’m telling you like if only I could remember, have noted, like calling me beautiful does not make a person good enough for my attention. But you know, I had been so starved of being called beautiful. I had been so starved of being told I was worthy that any time a fucking man would call me beautiful, it was just like, well, let me roll out the red carpet for him. And that’s exactly what happened here with John, right.
06:15
And so John and I were really good friends with really intense feelings for each other. Really intense feelings for each other and like he flew me out to Kentucky to meet his family, right, like I was completely out of my element, like this Brooklyn girl in like Louisville, kentucky and going in the woods. And I did like my first camping trip, miserable and uncomfortable, but I was so happy to do it with this guy because he was good looking and he called me beautiful but wanted and was rushing was that I wanted a boyfriend because I wanted to get married. Why did I want that? Because that’s what I was told that I was supposed to want, right the examples laid before me. You know my sister married fairly young. At the time she was still married to her partner her ex-partner. You know my mom always emphasized how important it was for a woman to get married Right and, being an immigrant, that was one of the big things. It was just like we needed. Like we needed security and security for us as these like American girls was going to school but finding someone also to marry Right. So it’s like double security. And so I really wanted to get married at that time because I felt like that was what I should do.
07:32
I did not have the opportunity again to have reflective conversations with anyone and really examine if this was the right time for me to get married and who would make a good husband right. What would make a good life partner? These were never things that I had explored at all, were never things that I had explored at all when I was like 23, 24. I just saw tall, handsome and not a New Yorker, so had to be better than what I had grown up with and the fact that he had called me beautiful and that he like gave me attention. So when it was time to be like, hey, can we like be boyfriend and girlfriend? I mean, we’re spending all this time together, time to be like, hey, can we like be boyfriend and girlfriend? I mean we’re spending all this time together. Like I met your family, he wouldn’t call me his girlfriend and he, he was very adamant about not being ready to be my boyfriend. And y’all do you know what I did I waited. I completely ignored anybody else who would have given me attention. I completely just focused in on this person who blatantly told me what he wanted and didn’t want, right? He told me he was honest and said I don’t really want this. And I was like, well, I’m going to wait till you’re ready. And and I did that. And I waited for almost a year and then finally, almost, john said all right, I want you to be my girlfriend. And at that point we, john and I, were together for seven years, right? So this was a long, a long time that I gave to this person, but the only reason we lasted that long was because I was sitting there like this little I don’t know, like a sitting duck just waiting patiently for this person to say that I’m worthy of their time.
09:24
Flash forward to when it was time for us to get married. We had moved to Louisville together and but we hadn’t gotten engaged yet. And there was one night that I cried and I was like I can’t believe that. I moved all the way over here and like you haven’t proposed to me. So, like the next day, john takes me to the water, to the river, and proposes with like no ring, and proposes with like no ring, nothing. And I’m just like, okay, sure, right. But on the inside I felt sad again. You, whether or not you need a ring, that’s something to be determined between you, you and your partner, et cetera.
10:05
But here’s the thing there was no conversation, had my. I had never expressed my wishes in terms of like what I wanted it to look like, and so I just said that I wanted to get engaged, right, I just wanted the label. I wanted, you know, to move, move, move so quickly towards that marriage part. So he, he gave me the breadcrumbs, right. And so I walked around, I went to Macy’s, I got myself an engagement ring so that I could look like I was engaged because I cared so much about what everybody else was thinking, right, but I was just accepting breadcrumbs. And so, as we approached our wedding date, his mother, who was like an angel on this earth, she pulled me to the side and she was like Jesse, are you sure he wants to get married? And I was like, yeah, he does, he does. He just shows his enthusiasm like this. But those were all the signs that I needed, right, like someone’s own mother coming to me with love and affection and being like hey, like I don’t know about my son right now, and me completely being insistent and pushing forward anyway. And what did I get?
11:22
We ended up having a difficult marriage, right, we had a marriage where, you know, I started drinking more, where I would drink in secret. I was forcing something to happen that really probably didn’t need to. Obviously it to, so to speak. I mean, otherwise it wouldn’t have happened. But you know, I was really forcing a situation that didn’t need to be forced. And eventually things did fall apart, and a lot of that was my alcohol use. Right, because I was not happy I wasn’t getting my needs met, right, you don’t get your needs met when you’re constantly trying to force something to happen. These relationships, they have to be reciprocal, and me forcing John to try to give me everything that I wanted, it just wasn’t going to work.
12:09
Now, fast forward to sobriety. I don’t beg right. I mean now I’m with my partner, but I vividly remember an experience about two years ago, when I had started dating. There was somebody that I was dating dating again a nice guy and we had been seeing each other for about two months and at that point I felt like I knew him fairly well and I was comfortable with the idea of, you know, being exclusive. So I said I’d like to be exclusive and he turned to me and he said well, I’m still, you know, I’m not there yet.
12:46
And what I’m so proud of myself for sobriety is that when he said that, I was like, okay, well, if you aren’t there yet, then I’m going to go ahead and move on, because I know what I need and you’re letting me know that you can’t give it to me, right. But I’m so grateful for that and I’m so grateful that I could actually say what I wanted and just speak to it and then move on, right. But when I was younger, the lesson that would have been nice to have learned when I was married would have been, from the first part, like from the beginning you don’t beg for people to be with you, you just don’t. And so, again, a lesson I didn’t learn when I was younger, but the important part is that I know it now, right, like I’m not even 40 yet, and today I understand that I don’t beg for people’s company. So I still have many years ahead of me of not begging for people’s company, and for that I am eternally grateful.
13:41
The other thing, the other lesson that I want to talk about, is, um, that expectations really do create resentment. However, it also doesn’t mean that you don’t have standards right, and so you, you have to be. It’s not black or white. So, going back to my ex-spouse, going back to John, right, one of the big things that we often struggled with in our home, for example, was, just say, cleaning.
14:19
I would get resentful at John because John wouldn’t clean up, and so I was always the one cleaning up, but we, I would just like expect John to figure it out that I needed help with certain things, and then I would get really, really resentful because I didn’t like specifically ask for help with certain things Right. So, for example, if I went on vacation to visit my family in New York and he stayed home, I expected him to like clean up the house while I was gone so that I could come home to a clean house, cause I’ve always liked coming home to a clean house but instead what would happen was I would just come home, the house would be messy and then I would get pissed. So then we would have like this sort of like big old argument where I would be like, well, you should know by now that I like a clean house, so why would you leave the house so messy when I’m, you know, when I’m gone, um, but other things, going back to say that engagement piece, right, or that marriage piece, there were a lot of expectations that I was putting on him that, to be honest, he wasn’t expected to meet. But if I had known that he wasn’t interested in say, giving me those things, I could have gone somewhere else where I could have had those standards met, right, those needs met. But instead I kept trying to force things. And so one of the big things that I learned from my relationship with John, right, it’s just that expectations, that whole mind reading thing that’s going to absolutely create resentment. But you do need to have your standards met and so you do want to have that clear communication. You do want to be able to feel safe to voice what you need, what you want, and the right person is going to meet those needs. The wrong person won’t. But you won’t know if someone is the right or the wrong person if you don’t verbalize what you need. You have to speak up, you have to be authentic and let the wrong people fall to the wayside and let the right ones come up and step forward, For example, going back to now or flashing forward dating time.
16:25
I would always let people know that I, who, at about two, three months, I was like I’m, I’m ready for a relationship. In that case, I let him know exactly what my expectations were. I do want a long-term relationship. I do want something steady that can build into something more. And when he wasn’t able to meet those, I understood, I didn’t take it personally and I moved on Right.
16:51
And then eventually, I did find my partner who, when I said those things that I was interested in something long-term and serious, he that was something that he also wanted, and so he was willing to reciprocate it. So I think it’s important to remember those things right. That, as opposed to what I did when I was married, right, like, I want something long-term, you don’t want to give it to me? Well, I’m just going to sit here and wait and wait and wait until you give me what I want, but I’m going to get resentful as hell towards you because I’m being stubborn, it’s like no, we’ve just got to learn to let those things go. And then the last thing is, it’s really also not up to us to fix and save others right or solve their problems. To fix and save others right or solve their problems when I was married um, you know, I hope John has figured out what he’s wanted to do with himself, say, professionally.
17:41
But you know he went through several transitions in terms of, like work, work situations, and you know one role wasn’t happy with it and then would switch, and so you know, I found myself as the primary like, say, the breadwinner, so to speak, with a more stable work. But I always was kind of waiting for him to like figure things out, or me trying to like step up and take care of like all the bills and things like that, so that that way. You know, he would have time to figure himself out. But John was like that even before we got married and I remember I didn’t like it and it was a concern for me, but I just turned that blind eye to it and I was like, well, I’ve got this. You know, like John can go and figure himself out, but I’ve got this.
18:32
And I was really more focused on John’s potential as opposed to like what he was offering me. And you know he wasn’t necessarily offering me stability, right, and he wasn’t offering me a sense of that. He was happy and comfortable with himself. And so, you know, one of the things that for me, it’s really important now is to not try to rescue someone. If someone is going through a tough time because we’re going to our partners are going to be humans, right, our partners are going to have difficult moments, but we have to recognize that it’s not our job to fix them. We can hold space for them, we can ask them is there anything that we can do to support? We can let them just talk and unload, right. We can offer advice if they’re interested in receiving it, but it’s not our job to pick up all the pieces after them, always just because they’re struggling, and that was the thing with my ex John.
19:28
There were a lot of things that John was struggling with, including some identity issues, and I just kind of kept dancing around everything just so that he can be comfortable, but at the end of the day, I was just growing really resentful, right. And so it’s so important that, when you are with somebody, that you ask yourself if you are okay with them exactly as they are today, or are you hoping that they change? Are you hoping that they become more secure? Are you hoping that they become more stable? And so you’re dating them now with the hopes that they turn out a certain way, because we do not control outcomes. Right, we can always put, in best faith, effort into anything, but we don’t control outcomes, and we especially don’t control other people, and we don’t control how other people turn out. We might be able to influence them, right, but we don’t control them, and so that was a huge thing that I did not learn with John.
20:29
I really thought that I can help him figure himself out, and that was not my place, that was not my job, that was not my role, and so, with that being said, I just kind of wanted to share those things because, again, it’s it’s wild that I was married 11 years ago, right and, and that was a marriage that lasted for four years. Um, my drinking definitely negatively impacted that relationship and I definitely drank to cope with the fact that I kept pushing something to exist that probably really didn’t need to exist, right and. So, um, I’m grateful that we were able to separate and move on with our lives. I hope John is well, wherever John is on the planet and whatever John is up to. But that was all. I just really wanted to reflect a little bit on that.
21:25
And so if there’s anything that you get from listening to this episode if you’re still listening at this point it’s remember what you’ve gone through serves as a learning experience. Seriously, even if at the moment it feels really hard, and even if at that moment it feels like it’s never ending, or you just don’t get why you’re going through something, or if someone that you love just throws you a huge fucking curve ball and you’re like, whoa, where did this come from, just remember that it’s all getting filed away as life experience for you. That will help you in the future when you get presented with a similar scenario again, or it’s going to help someone else when you open your mouth and communicate with another human being, to create connection right. So just keep those things in mind. So with that, I hope you are well.
22:19
Thank you so much for listening and I will catch you on the next one. Hey, if you are enjoying what you are listening to, I invite you to subscribe and share the podcast, but also go to my website, bottomless to sobercom, and find out other opportunities to work with me, from free workshops to writing classes to one-to-one life coaching opportunities. You can schedule a free consultation for that. Everything is available at bottomless to sober.com. See you then.
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