Recently, Dr. Nicole LePera wrote the following about people pleasing, “At the end of the day, people pleasing is about ourselves. And not wanting to feel uncomfortable emotions. In working with people there’s always a “ah ha” moment when someone understands that they’re not really pleasing— they’re controlling. They’re trying to control how someone perceives them. And how they feel. Once you understand this, you can start breaking the pattern.”
I reflected on this very “ah ha” moment myself regarding my personal experience in an email from March 23rd, where I admitted that I wanted to be in control of the narrative that was out there about me, so I sought to people-please by keeping my addiction a secret.
In rereading that email, however, I realized I did not hold space for multiple things to be true. I did not hold space for the people who practiced people-pleasing, not because they were trying to control others or be manipulative, as people-pleasers are frequently accused of doing, but because they needed to be safe.
On pages 85-86 of the book Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance, Kelly McDaniel mentions other sources of people-pleasing behavior. She writes, “Appeasing behavior may be less risky than fighting or running…As children, many of us learn to appease our mothers as a harm-reduction tactic…Pleasing and appeasing is similar to a trauma response—it’s an automatic, unconscious reaction that can become an engrained personality trait.”
I share this to highlight that the same behavior can have a different origin story and purpose that it serves depending on the individual, their identity, how they grew up, and things that were happening to them over time. As we grow, it becomes our responsibility to recognize what we are getting out of a behavior, and we get to decide if it still serves us when considering the future we want for ourselves.
You may find that you are, in fact, a people-pleaser. Do you have a history of secretly trying to control others’ opinions of you, or have you had to keep yourself safe? It’s so valuable to slow down and reflect on this, so take a look at the questions below:
Questions to Ask Yourself About People-Pleasing:
- If you used to appease people to protect yourself or others, are you still in need of protection? What threats, real or perceived, do you face today? How might your identity connect to this? Think carefully about this one. People from historically marginalized groups do face real threats that may lead to people-pleasing behaviors. I think about conversations I’ve had with family about being extra “careful” with police.
- If you used to appease people to control others’ perceptions of you, what story did you want to live in other people’s minds about you?
- What is the worst that could happen if you allow yourself to disappoint these other people?
- Is this worst thing that can happen, your answer to question 3, something that you can live with? Would you be safe?
Upcoming Opportunities
Life Coaching Schedule a free coaching consultation here!
Mother Hunger Book Study. Register here!
Free Writing for Healing Workshop. Access here.
Six-Week Writing for Healing Program. Monday nights starting in June. Register here!
Podcast Listen to the Bottomless to Sober Podcast. Episodes 1-42 are live!
